For thinking that if a child comes to your house, you're responsible for them?

[SteveBuscemisRheumyEye]

There's a girl who lives near by who knocks on our front door every day, saying she wants to play with DD. DD does not want to play out so the girl asks to come in. At the moment I've had the reason of Covid for saying no to coming in, but DH thinks I'm BU not to allow them in the garden.

My issue is this - I know nothing about this kid other than her name and that she's 10. I think she lives with her grandparents locally, half the week. I've told her before that I really need to speak to them to check it's okay etc, and she just said "it's fine, they don't mind". Obviously I mind!

DH says just leave them to it and let them play in the garden, whereas I don't want to be responsible for a child that I know nothing about! DH thinks that I'm overthinking, but I work with vulnerable kids meaning my conduct in and outside of work needs to be impeccable. Imagine she had an accident or made a claim against one of us or something?

I asked where her grandparents live but she was quite evasive. She has also told my DD that she was excluded from the school DD goes to, and is now at a PRU. Is this colouring my view?

She's 10, DD is 8 and has ASD (if relevant!).

@krustykittens

I would be worried there was neglect going on. A neighbour of mine found herself parenting by default one year, to a boy who was being locked out of his house when his parents went to work or when they fancied going out. He was 10 and they were not giving him money for food. So he would target the families who had parents at home during the holidays, knock to play and then take up residence, demanding food. Neighbour was the only one who didn't have the heart to kick him out, others rapidly got sick of him, but found it hard for SS to take her concerns seriously as she was caring for him, so they didn't want to get involved. She had to report to the school in the end and refuse to let him in.

Targeting sahps? Demanding food? this is the saddest thing I've ever read in my life. So not only do his own parents not want him or care for him but he was practically begging and was refused by all but one . Sickening. I hope he is okay but let's be real- probably not

[quote Sadsiblingatsea]@Budapestdreams Why do you think that ‘the authorities’ would do a better job?
Since when did being kind hearted become a job farmed out to ‘the authorities’?
I just can’t believe what is happening to this country.
These marvellous ‘authorities’ that you speak so highly of, have been cut to the bone anyway.
When I was a kid we were in each other’s houses all the time. Parents may have thought it was a pain, but at least they didn’t use ‘safe-guarding’ as an excuse not to engage.
Good grief.[/quote]
Ah, I wish I'd written that.
It's a kid who wants to play. Knocking on someones door for that is just what some kids do. It is the normal for many people.
Not suspicious or over protective ones though.

I might just be concerned that the kid's parents/guardians didn't know their whereabouts, so I'd drop what I was doing, take them both to kid's house and ask if it's ok to play at mine. Once done, you don't need to do it much again.

Makes me sad that OPs biggest concern is it's the wrong type of kid, a PRU bod, rather than making sure the important people know where she is. The upshot of this is that DD grows up to look down her nose at certain "types" and learns fear rather than sociability.
Hey ho. Their loss.

@StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear(love the username btw) agree with the ASD part but also even for NT’s children shouldn’t be made to play with anyone!

Including an excluded child in a large group yes but not one-on-one. If the other child is difficult in some way solving the problem by having another child support them is a huge burden on the latter and may cause damage

Yes, it was bloody awful booksandnooks, she was a single parent with a severely disabled child and she couldn't really afford to feed him. Did you also read the bit where SS didn't do anything as long as SOMEONE was minding him, even though his parents couldn't be bothered? She could only get something done when the schools reopened and the school took up the issue. Neglected children need more than the odd meal from kind strangers.

You are putting yourself and your family in a vulnerable position by allowing this girl on your property.
She sounds vulnerable and you do not know this girl. She may have issues. She could accuse you or your dh of absolutely anything. There is also something behind all the other kids and families giving her a wide berth. I also think it's a bit strange her being 10yo and trying to be friends with your 8yo ( seems like she's targeted her).

What's a PRU?

Sounds like you're a good Mum and doing the right thing. I'd feel the same.

"A 10 yo wouldn't normally want to play with an 8 to"

Really though? When I was growing up, local children would be in a mixed age group depending on who was available. I definitely played with children of different ages.

@Gwenhwyfar
Really though? When I was growing up, local children would be in a mixed age group depending on who was available. I definitely played with children of different ages.

Me too but that was 20 plus years ago - and part of a group.

It was not one-to-one and a one-sided unspontaneous development of a friendship.

I think the thread is placing too much concern on the "uninvited" child and not enough on OP's kid

To be fair, the op's child has someone looking out for her and putting her first. The other child doesn't seem to have anywhere near the same amount of care. One day she could be knocking on the door of someone who could set out to harm her.

Putting yourself at risk letting a 10 yr old play in your garden? wtf has the world come to.

Someone mentioned that in previous generations - parents wld have all known each other - yes they would. how did that happen? They spoke to each other and got to know each other - parents were more likely to be at home - mums didn't all go out to work, that's one reason kids don't play out so much now - of course cars are the main reason.

Nobody is suggesting the OP has to let a kid play with her daughter if the daughter isn't keen - but this is sad - if a child kept turning up at my door I would ensure I found out where they lived and whether they might be in need of support.

And - underlying this whole thing is even sadder - the idea that any child out looking for friends is 'feral' 'dangerous' 'abnormal' and 'a threat'

We should all take a good hard look at how we have allowed children to be driven off their own streets by cars / parents fears etc - so that it has become such a vanishingly rare sight to see a kid looking out and about for a friend.

If she is living with her grandparents then they might have grown up when I did in the 1950's and see nothing wrong with a child going to someone's house to play. Back then there was a constant stream of kids knocking on doors asking 'can Lilly come out to play'. No one knew who the kids belonged to and didn't care.

We didn't play inside each other's houses though. We went exploring and having all kinds of adventures until tea time.

@krustykittens yes for sure it is a concern - that's why we need to look out for each others kids in neighbourhoods.

It's as though a child looking for other kids to play with is an alien being.

That's how much children have lost their freedom and playful street life in recent years.

Thanks everyone for thoughtful responses. When she next comes by I'll ask to speak to her grandparents and get their numbers so that there's some communication there.

The whole point of my story is my neighbour was helping but was told to stop by the school so SS would take his case seriously. He needed intervention and her helping him was stopping that happening. Its not as simple as giving the kid a few meals. And feeding him everyday was having a big impact on her and her child. O

@Wondergirl100 it's really not that - it's the persistence after being told no, and not telling me where her grandparents live and just saying it's fine for her to come in.

people seem to have overlooked the bit where the child was evasive when asked about the GPs
to me this suggests either that child has been told NOT to go knocking on strangers doors,
or
there is something not right at the house that the child has been told they mustn't let people find out about/or they know there would be trouble if it was discovered
or both
I think OP is right to be cautious and set boundaries. People may not want to hear this but if you spend your working life caring for vulnerable children, you don't want to be doing it at home as well. Plus there is OPs DD to consider.

@Wondergirl100 -
-mums didn't all go out to work, that's one reason kids don't play out so much now - of course cars are the main reason

Not sure where or when you grew up but most mothers I know (and many generations before me) went out to work

They would find this bloody strange and this idyll you have in your head did not exist then and does not now.

Kids played out (I did in 70s/80s) but they played in groups and on streets - not having a "random" you didn't know show up and knock on "just" for your child. That is not normal or typical in any age

I wouldnt have her in the house but YABU to not let them play in the garden or go to a local park.

I used to have a girl knock on my door asking to play with mine. When my daughter said no thanks, she asked to come in! I didnt know what to say, so let her come in! This only upset my daughter. I had to tell her straight at the door I'm sorry but x doesnt want to play. When she asked to come in, I'd explain, sorry but x doesnt want to play. That's what you need to say.

in the 1950's and see nothing wrong with a child going to someone's house to play. Back then there was a constant stream of kids knocking on doors asking 'can Lilly come out to play'

where I live in 2021 I am pleased to say this still happens

@StillWeRise yes, there is absolutely some of this. Sunday afternoon I actually just wanted to chill out before the emotional onslaught of another week.

SteveBuscemisRheumyEye Before you speak to her grandparents, ask your DD if the reason she doesn't want to play out is because she doesn't want to play with this child for some reason, and tell her is ok but she has to tell you so that you can support her.

I hope you can get to the bottom of this OP. I was a very shy child and had two girls separately decide that they always wanted to play with me. But I didn't like either of them - they both bullied me though I didn't tell my parents at the time. I did sometimes say I didn't want to go out but it was really hard to say no to them.