For thinking that if a child comes to your house, you're responsible for them?

[SteveBuscemisRheumyEye]

There's a girl who lives near by who knocks on our front door every day, saying she wants to play with DD. DD does not want to play out so the girl asks to come in. At the moment I've had the reason of Covid for saying no to coming in, but DH thinks I'm BU not to allow them in the garden.

My issue is this - I know nothing about this kid other than her name and that she's 10. I think she lives with her grandparents locally, half the week. I've told her before that I really need to speak to them to check it's okay etc, and she just said "it's fine, they don't mind". Obviously I mind!

DH says just leave them to it and let them play in the garden, whereas I don't want to be responsible for a child that I know nothing about! DH thinks that I'm overthinking, but I work with vulnerable kids meaning my conduct in and outside of work needs to be impeccable. Imagine she had an accident or made a claim against one of us or something?

I asked where her grandparents live but she was quite evasive. She has also told my DD that she was excluded from the school DD goes to, and is now at a PRU. Is this colouring my view?

She's 10, DD is 8 and has ASD (if relevant!).

I would be worried there was neglect going on. A neighbour of mine found herself parenting by default one year, to a boy who was being locked out of his house when his parents went to work or when they fancied going out. He was 10 and they were not giving him money for food. So he would target the families who had parents at home during the holidays, knock to play and then take up residence, demanding food. Neighbour was the only one who didn't have the heart to kick him out, others rapidly got sick of him, but found it hard for SS to take her concerns seriously as she was caring for him, so they didn't want to get involved. She had to report to the school in the end and refuse to let him in.

Definitely need to speak to the grandparents. Something is odd about it

There are lots of SEN kids who end up at a PRU through no fault of their own - our education system isn't well set-up for DC with additional needs (speaking as the mum of x2 autistic DC and an ex school governor). I know that it's really easy to judge but I wouldn't automatically think badly of her just because she's at a PRU.

However, being at a PRU is relevant. The fact she has ASD and very clearly must have some significant needs to have been excluded and at a PRU, I think you're absolutely right to proceed with caution. Her autism may mean that she doesn't easily stop knocking as the social implications of the refusals may just pass her by.

I'd want to see the family of any child spending time on my property but a million times more so if I was aware that they had SEN, such as autism.

Ah hang on a second - I may have misread this!

Your DD has ASD, not the child knocking??

Ignore most of the above then haha!

I agree re the child seeming vulnerable if she's always wandering about on her own....seems very young. Maybe a quick call to Social Services?

My view is very warped as my 11yr old twins are very young and vulnerable for their age (ASD) and it's inconceivable that they'd be wandering around knocking on random doors for playmates....

Dose your dd want to play with her? Have you asked her when the child isn’t around? If she’s happy to then the next time it happens take them for a walk on the pretence you want to nip to the shop or something and get her to show you her grandparents house.

The child is obviously being neglected if she’s knocking on strangers houses and disappearing into their homes without anyone checking in her. I’d find out where she lives and speak to who ever lives there and if need be contact the relevant authorities.

I'm wondering if I know this girl too...if not I'm having an identical issue to you, except it's my dog she asks to play with not my DD

Thanks all. My DH is now in agreement with me that it needs to be a clear "no" until we have had a chat with her grandparents.

Re DD, she's kind of not bothered. Her ASD means that she's very happy by herself and doesn't really care if other children are around.

@ExhaustedFlamingo, yes it's my DD with ASD 😀

Your dh is saying a lot, ask if he's sure he wants the responsibility

I just feel so sorry for this poor child. If it were me, I’d invite them in and find what on earth is going on.
Follow your heart, not your head.
People need to look out for vulnerable children, not go into ‘computer says no’ mode.

It would be a straightforward “no” from me. Every time she knocked I would say your daughter isn’t allowed to play out and if she asks to come in I would say “no please stop knocking”.

I think it’s really strange behaviour to go and knock on someone’s door who you really don’t know and ask to play with their child and to come in to their house!

Your dh's stance is quite odd, from someone who actually works with vulnerable children

DH feels sorry for her.

I'd refuse her, but send her home with a note asking her adult/s to call you.

Is this child asking to play or is she in some way asking for help? It just seems very odd behaviour.

This is a safeguarding issue so should be dealt with by the authorities.
OP and her DH could be under suspicion if they invite her into their home.

Funnily enough someone I know had a very similar situation with a girl who was staying with grandparents knocking.Perhaps it is that things were different when grandparents brought up their own children, .However I agree they should keep more of an eye, and understand your misgivings.

It is not odd behaviour though is it? if she lives with her grandparents then they may have different ideas about letting children out to play. It was the norm possibly when they brought their children up. Not saying that is ok but that that may be an explanation. I have to say your attitude is a little uncaring for someone who works with children. That said I don't blame you for wanting the responsibility, particularly if your child does not enjoy the childs company. Also you may not want it to become too much of a regular occurrence.

I would ask her to take you to her grandparent's house and make contact with them either way.

I'd stop answering the door I'm afraid. A 10 yo wouldn't normally want to play with an 8 to. You DD sounds vulnerable, and would need watching all the time with an unknown child.
You are absolutely right that you would be seen as being responsible if an accident occurred. If you don't have anyway if contacting her guardians, you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position too.

In my old estate we had a little boy who was similar and lived a house just up the road. He would be in the neighbours gardens for hours at a time, was very evasive when asked were his parents not looking for him. One neighbour is a police man and took the kid home one night just as it turned dark and his whole house was in darkness. Turned out the parents were going away for hours and hours and locking him out. It was reported and he was never seen again. They packed up and moved. He was such a lovely little kid but you could always tell there wasn't something right and would often see him outside alone. It's a wonder he never went missing

@Budapestdreams Why do you think that ‘the authorities’ would do a better job?
Since when did being kind hearted become a job farmed out to ‘the authorities’?
I just can’t believe what is happening to this country.
These marvellous ‘authorities’ that you speak so highly of, have been cut to the bone anyway.
When I was a kid we were in each other’s houses all the time. Parents may have thought it was a pain, but at least they didn’t use ‘safe-guarding’ as an excuse not to engage.
Good grief.

@Budapestdreams

This is a safeguarding issue so should be dealt with by the authorities. OP and her DH could be under suspicion if they invite her into their home.

This. To be honest I think I'd be calling the police and asking them to check things out. A child of that age should not be knocking on a strangers door, and the potential for something to go horribly wrong is enormous. I wouldn't care if the grandparents like it or not. They absolutely shouldn't be permitting this behaviour. It'll be "somebody else's fault" if that child disappears.

She's out knocking on strangers doors and asking to come into their house? Her grandparents or whoever she lives with need to know- that is a massive risk to her.

I’d want to know if a child who came to play had any allergies or medical issues I needed to be aware of. If she had a seizure or severe allergic reaction and she needed medical attention and I didn’t know a single thing about her I’d feel really uncomfortable with that.