To think it’s ok to snoop?

[Changingtheday]

I read DH’s phone last night. I know that is a huge no-no on here (and I’ve name changed in anticipation of the flaming), but other than some tasteless conversations with his friends which were teetering on misogyny, I am so reassured by by what I saw. I don’t regret looking and he doesn’t know, so win-win AIBU?

From the privacy aspect some people mention, my WhatsApp’s and text conversations with friends don’t cover anything that I would need to be private from my husband, so if he snooped I’d not worry about that aspect. I know he feels the same. If you feel better for doing it I don’t see any great harm. Of course there will be many who say how wrong it is on here, don’t you trust him etc.

@PatsyJStone

From the privacy aspect some people mention, my WhatsApp’s and text conversations with friends don’t cover anything that I would need to be private from my husband, so if he snooped I’d not worry about that aspect. I know he feels the same. If you feel better for doing it I don’t see any great harm. Of course there will be many who say how wrong it is on here, don’t you trust him etc.

Maybe your friends want their messages to be private from your husband?

You could have asked him about the issue you were concerned about,why did you not do that?
You shouldn't have looked through his phone.

DH and I are very open and happily look through each other's phones if there's info we need. I wouldn't read a message that was clearly private though (e.g. he had a friend going through a hard time and I certainly wouldn't have read those messages, mainly out of respect for the friend's privacy). Snooping implied behind your partner's back though which I wouldn't be comfortable with. I guess if I didn't trust DH I would probably snoop but I wouldn't like to be in a
marriage with a lack of trust.

I did this once to my now DH. In my defence we'd not been dating very long and I was a very insecure 21 year old. He was going away on a lads clubbing weekend and I read his phone.

One of the 'lads' arseholes had messaged him asking if he wanted his own room as he knew of 'loads of fit easy girls up there' when DH was supposed to be sharing with his (nice) married friend.

DH has replied 'nah you've got the wrong end of the stick mate. I'm there for the music and beer. I'd never do that to Remy. I'm sharing with Steve'.

I was thoroughly ashamed of myself and have never done it again. Fifteen years later we're happily married parents.

I would be furious if he did it to me (hypocrite) and I wouldn't dream of doing it to him either. It's basic respect.

I also can't imagine that I'd be interested in his waffle with his mates anyway (he is no longer mates with said arsehole!). I've nothing to hide at all but I wouldn't like it if he read my phone regardless.

Do people think snooping through phone messages is different from listening outside a door?

I occasionally did this in the early days of my relationship with DH. I'm not proud of it and it wasn't right - it was the result of crippling insecurity and an inability to trust, but I recognise now that it was a totally unreasonable invasion of his privacy.

That was around 25 years ago, and it wouldn't occur to me to do it now. I trust him, and I genuinely don't feel the need.

I think you need to reflect on what this is telling you about your relationship, how secure you feel, the extent to which you trust him, and the extent to which you treat him with respect and dignity etc. It's good that you liked what you found, but it isn't good that you invaded his privacy.

There is nothing on my phone that I wouldn't want DH to see, but I would feel really violated to know that he was secretly reading all my messages. It isn't very nice if you think about it.

Sammylady37 my husband would never read my messages, but my friends and I have conversations by phone or in person if there is anything particularly sensitive etc. to talk about. In theory there would never be anything private for him to see, in practice he would never look. Often he can’t be bothered reading long WhatsApp messages from his various groups and will say to me have a look as I read much faster.

Ofc YABU. The thing with this is it’s not just his private thoughts you’ve snooped on either, his friends could have confided any number of things. I know my friends divulge sensitive things to me that they definitely wouldn’t if they knew someone else was reading their Messages. I can’t abide this kind of entitled behaviour. It’s not ok, AT. ALL.

I put YABU even though I’ve read two Exes phones.

However both times had a reason that I considered were important, and both times they were hiding the truth from me and I needed to know. I think this is the only reason that you can snoop - if there is quite solid evidence that they are either cheating, or gambling or something and you are more than casual, that it’s a marriage or something more serious.

You can’t ‘just snoop’ out of curiosity, that is an invasion of privacy.

I’m glad you found out nothing upsetting OP but it could’ve very easily gone the other way. I have snooped through ex’s phones before and ended up finding out that I was being lied to and that I was being cheated on. I already had suspicions that I was being cheated on from the way he was acting so going through his phone helped me to confirm what I already knew and gave me the push I needed to get out of the relationship. I’m now married to my wonderful DH and I have never snooped through his phone but we have nothing to hide from each other there are no secrets and he has never snooped through my phone either. Is there a reason why you felt the need to go through your DH’s phone has he given you a reason to suspect him of anything?

Also, I ONLY looked at what seemed suspicious and did not look at anything else. You really can’t read their conversations with their friends!

And I do not regret doing that to this day and I told my Exes. Both times unfortunately it did confirm cheating. And I didn’t look at the phone again.

Yeah it's not right is it, but you know that. I'd be pissed off of my friend's partner read her phone because I've sent her private things that I wouldn't want him seeing. Weird-mark-on-boob-what-is-it? type stuff. It's not fair on him or his mates.

Caveat - I'd snoop if I had strong suspicions something was up