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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s ok to snoop?

139 replies

Changingtheday · 09/05/2021 15:01

I read DH’s phone last night. I know that is a huge no-no on here (and I’ve name changed in anticipation of the flaming), but other than some tasteless conversations with his friends which were teetering on misogyny, I am so reassured by by what I saw. I don’t regret looking and he doesn’t know, so win-win Blush AIBU?

OP posts:
speakout · 09/05/2021 16:46

BewtySkoolDropowt

Fair point.

Daphnise · 09/05/2021 16:49

Shame you didn't see some uncomplimentary references to your nosiness.

Perhaps he's doing the same to you- I hope so.

Ohpulltheotherone · 09/05/2021 16:51

Well the reason it’s not ok is that it’s his private and personal belongings and he has not given his permission.

This is no different to looking at someone’s bank account, reading their diary or evesdropping on what you know to be a private conversation.

Where would your boundary be? You probably would be able to justify anything if you felt it gave you peace of mind.

Trust has to be given without proof - that is why it is so hard but also why it is special. That you are taking that person at their word.

It’s understandable to want that trust to be proven and to feel that you are right and correct to trust them, that’s definitely a normal feeling. But you really shouldn’t invade someone’s privacy to get it.

If you feel insecure then you need to ask for reassurance or communicate how you feel.

Also - just because you found nothing on his phone that doesn’t automatically make him trustworthy. You either trust him or you don’t, you can’t base it on random searches of his belongings

speakout · 09/05/2021 16:51

BewtySkoolDropowt

My last post about a fair point was about your comment regarding my DS privacy. It is fair to point out he should be able to read here.
But sometimes it is helpful to get support on a forum like this. And hopefully one he won't read- or recognise me.

I am simply making the point that " snooping" isn't always so cut and dried.
If I suspected my OH was having an affair- someone was abusing my trust, someone in danger then snoooping can be justified.

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 09/05/2021 16:55

I've looked at a partner's phone when I felt insecure in a relationship and my instincts were right, but it was so horrible dealing with the fallout.

I would never check out my DP's phone out of sheer curiosity - if it's a good relationship, why would I need to violate his privacy?

tentosix · 09/05/2021 16:57

Sometimes we all feel the need for a little reassurance. We don't all live in perfect Mumsnetland where every DH is loyal and honest, ditto the DWs.

Its human nature to be curious. Looking and finding nothing is all good to me.

Bluedeblue · 09/05/2021 17:03

Well, looking at my first husbands phone, was how I found out that he and my best friend were shagging, so I'm all for looking if you feel something is off.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 09/05/2021 17:07

I'd snoop if I got a chance, just out of pure noseyness tbh! I wouldn't care one jot if he looked through mine.

MysteriousMonkey · 09/05/2021 17:07

I don't have a problem with it, and I wouldn't have a problem if DH looked through my messages. It's your relationship.

Iyland · 09/05/2021 17:07

Have done in the past when I've been looking for something and the few times I have I found something.

Wouldn't ever with DH because our relationship is good and I don't feel I have any reason to not trust him. I've never looked to just he nosey more that I've suspected something (and was correct to do so)

HopingForOurRainbowBaby · 09/05/2021 17:20

No it bloody isn't!

Jux · 09/05/2021 17:34

Would you read your teens' diaries? My aunt did - my cousin knew she had and started writing lots of how much she hated her mum, how she despised her and what an idiot she thought she was etc. My aunt was beside herself with misery and horror when she next had a nose. Served her right too.

LadyLolaRuben · 09/05/2021 17:35

For those saying snooping breaches the privacy of those her boyfriend is messaging, this is a poor reason not to snoop. We all have to accept that when messaging others we have no idea what security the recipient's phone has. So if the phone got lost there's a chance anyone could pick it up/find it. If I get a message that's sensitive and wouldn't want a third party reading it, I delete it after I've read it to protect the sender. And for my own messages that need to be relayed, if they are that sensitive, I call the person not message them so the info doesn't get into the wrong hands.

Thewiseoneincognito · 09/05/2021 17:43

If he was up to something and had a brain he’d have another phone you had no clue about. 👀😏🤐

hparkins · 09/05/2021 17:45

it shows a blatant lack of trust though OP doesnt it? you feel so close to him now as opposed to say this time last week because you didnt know if he was wronging you in some way?

are you very insecure in general? funny you call others self entitled yet think it's your right to go down someone elses phone....

cantgetmyheadroundit · 09/05/2021 17:46

I am by no means perfect - but if I found out that my partner had done this, I would finish the relationship.

hparkins · 09/05/2021 17:46

oh my bad you said self disciplined - I dont think its disciplined to have enough respect for your partner not to snoop through their conversations.

tentosix · 09/05/2021 18:22

Sometimes we all feel the need for a little reassurance. We don't all live in perfect Mumsnetland where every DH is loyal and honest, ditto the DWs.

Its human nature to be curious. Looking and finding nothing is all good to me.

JenerationH · 09/05/2021 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MilduraS · 09/05/2021 18:27

I don't think it's ok. I know my DH's password and he knows mine but it's for things like setting the satnav while the other is driving. Neither of us would expect the other to snoop through our messages or be ok with it if they did.

sammylady37 · 09/05/2021 18:44

I would not stay with someone who thought it was ok to do this. It’s a horrible invasion of privacy and breach of trust

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/05/2021 18:47

No, if I was snooping my relationship would be over as
I obviously had no trust. Ditto the other way round.

Wallywobbles · 09/05/2021 18:48

I don't think I'd mind or DH. We are very open. He might not like everything he read. I use I love yous quite liberally with my friends. But he knows that too.

Id rather he asked first but I don't see an issue.

Veryverycalmnow · 09/05/2021 18:53

Me and DH use each other's phones all the time, sometimes we know, sometimes not. If we had something to hide we would lick them I guess...

Veryverycalmnow · 09/05/2021 18:54

LOCK them