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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s ok to snoop?

139 replies

Changingtheday · 09/05/2021 15:01

I read DH’s phone last night. I know that is a huge no-no on here (and I’ve name changed in anticipation of the flaming), but other than some tasteless conversations with his friends which were teetering on misogyny, I am so reassured by by what I saw. I don’t regret looking and he doesn’t know, so win-win Blush AIBU?

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 09/05/2021 15:35

I think it’s fine, it’s how I found out my ex was cheating. No regrets for me

UserAtRandom · 09/05/2021 15:41

I do wonder how honest these responses are though - hand in heart, in the position there’s nobody at all that would look?

No - I see this as the electronic equivalent of reading someone's private diary (which I wouldn't do either).
TBH if I was that interested in DH's mail/posts, I'd ask him if I could look at them and he'd most likely say yes. So don't know why you just didn't do this rather than snooping?

Gullible2021 · 09/05/2021 15:41

Ugh. Not on OP. And I’m certainly not perfect, just not as controlling and dishonest someone who has no basic responsibility for their spouses privacy. You feel so close to him? I wonder how he’d feel if he knew the truth Sad

Coyoacan · 09/05/2021 15:41

I live with my adult daughter whom I adore, but I would absolutely hate her snooping through my phone.

Gullible2021 · 09/05/2021 15:42

Respect ffs autocorrect

prsphne · 09/05/2021 15:44

I'm welcome to look through DH phone whenever I want... We use our phones interchangeably and if I asked him to pass me his phone now he would without batting an eyelid.

I've never felt the need or inclination to look through his messages, emails or browser history though. Assuming the conversations on his phone are like the ones on mine, they'll be pretty dull and I have zero interest in reading them and better uses of my time!

Did you have other reasons to distrust him to provoke the snooping?

mrstea301 · 09/05/2021 15:45

@Changingtheday

He fell asleep early and left his phone next to me. I couldn’t resist. I know it’s not great, but I feel so close to him today. He’s definitely benefited from the snooping Blush
That's lovely that you feel so close to him today.

How close to you do you think he would feel if he knew what you did?

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 09/05/2021 15:46

Not okay and I’ve never done it.

WeAllHaveWings · 09/05/2021 15:46

@Changingtheday

I’m not ashamed at all. Some of the things that I read absolutely melted my heart - he says lovely things about me to his friends, who by the way, absolutely do not say nice things about their DWs.
How would he feel if he found out you didnt trust him and felt the need to check up, invading his privacy?
SoupDragon · 09/05/2021 15:47

sometimes he asks why I’m talking about and I show him.

Not even remotely the same thing.

I’m going to stop replying now

"I've not heard what I wanted so I'm off to hide behind my usual posting name again."

saraclara · 09/05/2021 15:50

It's pointless asking the question in your OP because you know the answer. If you thought it was okay, you'd have told your DH that you looked.
You're not going to tell him because you know it's not okay. So you didn't need us at all.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/05/2021 15:50

If you feel you have a justified reason then I think its fine.
If I was fucking some other guy behind my dps back and he was getting a bit suspicious because I was acting strange (which is usually the scenario on here) I would deserve him to go through my phone.

MyDogIsDrivingMeMad · 09/05/2021 15:51

I wouldn't look through my husband's phone, because I trust him, but if I suspected him of something or if he made a point of keeping his phone on him all the time, locked, etc., I wouldn't hesitate to have a look, if the opportunity arose.

Personally, I have no problem with someone going through a phone if they are looking to confirm serious suspicions, but doing it when you don't suspect them... That just seems nosy.

ilovesooty · 09/05/2021 15:52

@SoupDragon

sometimes he asks why I’m talking about and I show him.

Not even remotely the same thing.

I’m going to stop replying now

"I've not heard what I wanted so I'm off to hide behind my usual posting name again."

Spot on.
MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 09/05/2021 15:53

sometimes he asks why I’m talking about and I show him.
You can’t possibly think it’s the same? You consented to him looking, he didn’t. It’s such an invasion of privacy.

I do wonder how honest these responses are though - hand in heart, in the position there’s nobody at all that would look?
I don’t need to. I trust my partner but it’s screamingly obvious you don’t. Which is sad.

I’m pretty sure I’d get a different response from my real life friends
Even sadder that you’ve all got issues big enough in your relationship to invade your other half’s privacy.

sapnupuas · 09/05/2021 15:55

Gross.

MintyMabel · 09/05/2021 15:57

It wouldn’t bother me a bit if OH snooped. Some people just like a nose about. My mum was like that, it didn’t bother me then either.

People can be too precious about this stuff.

Feather12 · 09/05/2021 16:00

I would not want to look just in case I saw tasteless conversations teetering on misogyny. That definitely would not make me feel closer to him.

Hawkins001 · 09/05/2021 16:01

I'd say which is better, being strung along with the possibility that your oh, is possibility of having an affair or looking and seeing if there is anything amiss ? although no evidence is not conclusive, of no affair,

butterpuffed · 09/05/2021 16:03

@Changingtheday

I’m going to stop replying now, I absolutely need to remember how self-disciplined, ethical and perfect other M’netters are Halo
Ignore the saintly replies @Changingtheday . If you'd found anything suspicious they'd have all said you'd done the right thing Grin Grin Grin
IrmaFayLear · 09/05/2021 16:05

How would you feel if you caught him rootling around in your handbag? Or going through your chest of drawers? Or eavesdropping on your conversations?

As pp said, looking for evidence of an affair etc is one thing, reading people’s messages with their friends is being nosey and, I must say, sounds controlling and the behaviour of the sort of person who would increasingly object to their spouse/partner seeing friends and family.

Heatingsystemwoes · 09/05/2021 16:06

@Changingtheday

I really did. I cannot believe I’m the only one that would look. Other people obviously have more self-control than me.
You're not OP but people aren't admitting it here.
bunglebee · 09/05/2021 16:07

So you feel closer to him, but he doesn't feel closer to you because he doesn't know you took away from him the choice of whether or not to share those thoughts with you, just as if you'd read his diary. Now he thinks he has a private space of his own, and you know he does not.

I have nothing to hide morally, but I've written fiction my whole life and it's private to me. I would absolutely consider it a gross violation of DH went on my laptop and read it, whatever his reasons. If I wanted to share it with him, I would share it with him.

ZaZathecat · 09/05/2021 16:07

I think it's excusable if you have serious reason to mistrust them. Just out of curiosity? No.

ElphabaTWitch · 09/05/2021 16:08

I’d be bothered if I’d been trying to plan birthday or Xmas pressies etc. He knows my pass codes for EVERYTHING. banks, savings, all that stuff. He can look if he wants I’ve nothing to hide. I think if I thought he was not very well - has super stressful job- I’d maybe look to be sure he was ok that way. I sometimes
Wonder if the shit hit the fan if he would be that person to leave the house every day until he found a way to tell me.??? If I was worried about him and not getting answers then I’d look, absolutely.