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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s ok to snoop?

139 replies

Changingtheday · 09/05/2021 15:01

I read DH’s phone last night. I know that is a huge no-no on here (and I’ve name changed in anticipation of the flaming), but other than some tasteless conversations with his friends which were teetering on misogyny, I am so reassured by by what I saw. I don’t regret looking and he doesn’t know, so win-win Blush AIBU?

OP posts:
luckylavender · 09/05/2021 16:09

It's just not ok. You knew it wasn't, and it's not about restraint, it's about respecting your partner which you clearly don't. And the word 'snoop' sounds like a creepy controlling next door neighbour. Bad move.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/05/2021 16:09

@butterpuffed

OP wasn't looking because she suspected an affair she was looking because she fancied having a nosey around. There is a difference.

SoupDragon · 09/05/2021 16:11

Ignore the saintly replies @Changingtheday . If you'd found anything suspicious they'd have all said you'd done the right thing

And if it were a man who'd done this to his partner they would call him abusive and controlling with no grasp of boundaries or privacy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

ThatchersCold · 09/05/2021 16:12

If I was him and I found out you’d done this I would end this. As is exactly what happened with a previous partner of mine. He was instantly kicked out of my house and my life. I had nothing to hide but it was a huge breach of trust.

Meowchickameowmeow · 09/05/2021 16:16

@Changingtheday

He fell asleep early and left his phone next to me. I couldn’t resist. I know it’s not great, but I feel so close to him today. He’s definitely benefited from the snooping Blush
Would he feel the same if he knew you'd invaded his privacy? It's never ok to snoop. How would you like it?
IrmaFayLear · 09/05/2021 16:17

Would it be ok if he read your MN posts?

Some people who say they “share everything” sound a bit weird to me. But at least they share openly. “Snooping” in someone’s private messages leaves a sour taste. It’s just listening outside doors.

Congressdingo · 09/05/2021 16:17

@Changingtheday

I’m going to stop replying now, I absolutely need to remember how self-disciplined, ethical and perfect other M’netters are Halo
Did this once many years ago. Didnt feel so good about myself after. Never done it since. I think if I thought DP was cheating I might possibly try, but I'm more likely to reason to myself that if the trust is gone so much that I need to find the cause, then the relationship is over so save myself the bother.
SunshineCake · 09/05/2021 16:18

@Changingtheday

Oh dear, I felt sure some people would think it’s ok. Maybe not Blush
Why do you care what strangers think?

If you feel you've done nothing wrong you wouldn't care that others do.

thedancingbear · 09/05/2021 16:23

Your behaviour is abusive and controlling, OP.

ShellieEllie · 09/05/2021 16:23

It's a massive invasion of his privacy and that of his friends. I suspect you have a reason to have snooped and think he's up to something...

speakout · 09/05/2021 16:28

It is sometimes OK to snoop.
I often listen into my young adult son's conversations outside his bedroom door.

Sparklemummyx0x0x · 09/05/2021 16:29

I did with an ex of mine.
A strange code name flashed up on his phone I didn't recognise. I snooped that night when he was asleep. Dug even deeper. Name revealed.
They are now married!

Funny but I had never even questioned his faithfulness beforehand.

But that's different as I had suspicions.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/05/2021 16:30

@speakout

Why?

Meowchickameowmeow · 09/05/2021 16:31

@speakout

It is sometimes OK to snoop. I often listen into my young adult son's conversations outside his bedroom door.
I hope you're joking otherwise that's just creepy and weird. Give him some privacy ffs.
Elai1978 · 09/05/2021 16:31

I’d leave someone if I caught them doing that. The trust would be gone. Totally unacceptable.

speakout · 09/05/2021 16:31

sweeneytoddsrazor

MH issues.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/05/2021 16:36

Yours or his @speakout

I understand if you have concerns for him, but even then I would be reluctant. MH issues doesn't mean no privacy.

speakout · 09/05/2021 16:37

Meowchickameowmeow
I hope you're joking otherwise that's just creepy and weird. Give him some privacy ffs.*

Not creepy or weird.
His mood can drop like a bomb. Three attempted suicides this year.
I need to keep on top for his safety.

SarahBellam · 09/05/2021 16:38

If he’d given permission and was aware you were doing it then absolutely fine. You knew it was wrong but you chose to do it anyway. What were you hoping to find. If a woman had come on here to tell us she’d caught her DH snooping through her phone everyone would have told her to LTB.

Aria999 · 09/05/2021 16:39

It's not self discipline I just don't want to.

In any case we have each other's pass codes so 🤷‍♀️

IrmaFayLear · 09/05/2021 16:39

That sounds very difficult speakout, but start a different thread on that problem.

On this thread we have an OP behaving in a creepy way. I don’t think her dp would be too thrilled about it.

UserAtRandom · 09/05/2021 16:43

@Hawkins001

I'd say which is better, being strung along with the possibility that your oh, is possibility of having an affair or looking and seeing if there is anything amiss ? although no evidence is not conclusive, of no affair,
If you don't trust your partner then your relationship is doomed anyway. You'll either snoop and find proof of an affair, or snoop and find no proof but still distrust him. So you can miss out the snooping stage and just move straight to splitting up.
BewtySkoolDropowt · 09/05/2021 16:44

@speakout

It is sometimes OK to snoop. I often listen into my young adult son's conversations outside his bedroom door.
It would be great if he snooped on your mumsnet posts, then had some 'interesting' conversations for you to listen in to.

After all, if it's okay for you to snoop on his private conversations, it should be totally fine for him to snoop on messages that you post on a public forum.

LigPatin · 09/05/2021 16:45

You may feel closer to him after snooping, but I'm guessing he wouldn't feel closer to you if he knew.

Why don't you tell him and find out?

BewtySkoolDropowt · 09/05/2021 16:45

@speakout I do apologise. My last post was a crosspost and I have just seen your update.

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