If you don't have or want children, why are you here?

[pepsicolagirl]

Disclaimer: I do not mean this in a rude way. I just couldn't think of a better way to phrase it.

I have seen a few messages across the mumsnet forums from women who are happily child free which is great and of course there is nothing wrong with at all.

But it always makes me wonder why you would be a member of a website called mumsnet if you are not and have no wish to be a mum?
So, if this is you, do you mind me asking why?

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll but that wasn’t what the op asked or said, she was simply interested in what led people to mumsnet if it wasn’t children. Nothing more.

@HoboSexualOnslow

If you Google ANYTHING a mumsnet post will come up about it. I came for the (non child related) advice, stayed for the LOLs

This re Google searches for almost anything! Product recommendations, illness related questions and of course parking / employment topics. Loads of stuff leads people here. And the FWR board now too.

@BilboBercow Yes! Also here because of the infamous “penis beaker”. Then, sucked in by the ridiculousness of AIBU?!

but that wasn’t what the op asked or said, she was simply interested in what led people to mumsnet if it wasn’t children. Nothing more.

No, she did admit she worded it badly so that it sounded goady, but said it was a genuine question. Maybe I'm projecting/expanding, but it's such a tediously common question and I'm likely drawing together all of the near-identical questions of this sort we get - many of them are a lot more accusatory.

Possibly, we're helping to perpetuate it by responding and not simply ignoring. Anybody who's been on here for any length of time will know it's a pointless question and, if you're newly signing up, there's a massive self-explanatory 'Advanced Search' button that you'd think people might try first for the answer to what is obviously topic/question 101. It does seem rather like asking a very tall person "What's the weather like up there?!" and genuinely assuming that nobody else might ever have thought to ask them that question before.

Yes to the Google search results. Would never have occurred to visit MN until a search landed me on an AIBU thread. I became totally addicted to AIBU in short order. Like reading magazine problem pages, but instead of responses from an agony aunt you get a mixture of compassionate, crazy and just plain weird answers and debates.

Less keen on aibu these days (relationships too) as it gets nasty. Too much judgement. Too many self-appointed experts casually waiving away the possibility of DV, etc. I discovered the other boards - property, gardening, feminism, litter tray and prefer those now. All really useful. I enjoy wasting time on chat too.

The parenting boards and the other content on MN may as well not exist for me!

(Apparently my DF reads MN sometimes too! Assume it was Google there too.)

Yes because I don’t look at every single thread and this has never come up in active for me before. Just another reason why this is legit question. I’d hate to think I can’t ask a question in case it’s been asked before or must I check in the (crappy) search function before I do so. This could have and in some parts has been an interesting question as some bothered to actually answer it.

Oh dear 🙄 This topic comes up frequently on MN. Any regular user knows this. It isn't a one off question but an often discussed topic. A basic search reveals this also.

Basically what @HoboSexualOnslow. MN is a fountain of knowledge! I’ve received & read some really great advice on here on all manner of topics.

That aside, there’s a couple of posts on Classics that make me fucking howl with laughter when I’m feeling shit. I’m actually laughing now about ‘Snapped and Farted’

I was searching for reviews on a beauty product, and ended up on Style and Beauty. I found a lovely, friendly community, who welcomed me, despite being childless - not by choice.

I clicked on this post from the sidebar but mainly hang out in S&B, books, and the Litter Tray, where the conversations are not generally about children and parenting.

I googled a question about stain removal and found MN. Then I discovered it was a lovely forum full of women from many ages and backgrounds. Female-majority forums are few and far between and the Mumsnet name tends to keep men from taking over.

It's not a totally daft question though it does come up really often. I suppose the answer is that the site, well the forum in particular, has evolved past what the original purpose or vision was. now its mumsnet in name only really and would probably be better renamed as 'womansnet' although that's not as catchy and would attract more men, they seem to be a bit put off by the mumsy image.

@WrongWayApricot

Lots of posts saying the threads aren't about pregnancy and children so it's a free for all. But that gives the impression that that's all mums would desire to talk about. Just because there are various topics doesn't mean that the site wasn't intended for parents as the tagline states. I'm guessing the site started because parents wanted parents' views about a wide range of topics. I'm not saying it's a bad thing that anybody can post here but to outsiders and new people it seems weird. I avoided mumsnet until I knew I wanted children because I didn't want to take space away from parents. I did look around, especially if it came up on a Google search. But, I never thought to post here. Admittedly I never looked at the rules about who can post here - I just assumed from the title that this is a place for mums and I should respect that. If I was a step mum, godparent, guardian I'd have thought this was probably also okay. Being childfree would not make me feel comfortable to post here, especially not on parenting topics.

I don't understand the logic of, other things are discussed besides being a mum so it doesn't matter who uses the site. By that logic sites would be full of people that have nothing to do with the title. Are mums not allowed to discuss things outside of parenthood amongst themselves? Do they have to invite everyone to contribute to their discussion just because it's not about their children? If lesbians talk about their pets and hobbies can we all join lesbian groups, if runners discuss travel and diet can we all join runners groups? Obviously mumsnet is a company that wants to make a profit, they're not going to turn people away that bring them growth and money. So they will never say yes this should be a place for just mums. And they couldn't police that anyway while granting anonymity.

I find the anger towards mums asking this question strange. If you're childfree on a site called mumsnet I think it's fair that people will wonder why you're there. Just like if I announce in a running group how much I hate running and never intend to run I'd be expecting people to say 'why did you join runners-r-us?' I could then say 'you have great recipes and I like the photos you post, I also collect trainers' or I could say 'jeez it's a free world, I can be wherever I want, the rules say I can be here, stop asking, the world doesn't revolve around running you know'

Are mums not allowed to discuss things outside of parenthood amongst themselves?

This is laughable. So you essentially want to exclude childfree people from the other talk topics? God forbid you might have a conversation about gardening with a non-parent! Oh, the horror!

Allotment thread. It’s the best I’ve found anywhere. Don’t post much but the tips and advice is second to none.

Because even though we have empathy for people dealing with the difficult aspects of parenthood, there are enough realistic insights and horrors here to remind us why we stay childfree!

I joined for the Christmas bargain threads and stayed for the conversation and the company.
I have kids, but that’s really not why I’m here

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

but that wasn’t what the op asked or said, she was simply interested in what led people to mumsnet if it wasn’t children. Nothing more.

No, she did admit she worded it badly so that it sounded goady, but said it was a genuine question. Maybe I'm projecting/expanding, but it's such a tediously common question and I'm likely drawing together all of the near-identical questions of this sort we get - many of them are a lot more accusatory.

Possibly, we're helping to perpetuate it by responding and not simply ignoring. Anybody who's been on here for any length of time will know it's a pointless question and, if you're newly signing up, there's a massive self-explanatory 'Advanced Search' button that you'd think people might try first for the answer to what is obviously topic/question 101. It does seem rather like asking a very tall person "What's the weather like up there?!" and genuinely assuming that nobody else might ever have thought to ask them that question before.

You are projecting, and pretty unfairly imo. It’s as valid a question as any other asked ok this site, the OP isn’t responsible for other people’s rudeness in prior threads. I’ve been here a very long time and have seen a couple of the goady types, but this post actually generated a lot of interesting reasons and routes to the site.

MindtheBelleek they were analogies. To demonstrate that there are lots of groups of people who come together for one purpose but also discuss other things. Groups that often people will self exclude out of. Of course lesbians and runners are often parents too? Not sure what you were getting at there. I certainly didn't say they weren't?

I don't have a set of rules, I only described how I didn't want to take space from parents especially as there are lots of places that also discuss things that are discussed here. I think I have only really found AIBU to be quite unique but not completely so. I do find it concerning that as time goes on women are pushed to question less and less who is in their spaces whether that be digital or physical. I see some pp are wondering why men are here. How long before there is a group of men replying that they have every right to be here and stop asking. How far this site must have come that a mum on mumsnet is getting shamed for asking what brought childfree people here. I think questioning is a good thing and if anyone is berating I think it's those complaining that OP has asked a question that many newcomers would have on their minds.

Like I said in a reply to someone else, I enjoy the mix here and wouldn't want to change it. I was happy to find out that there were lots of perspectives here.

You are projecting, and pretty unfairly imo.
It’s as valid a question as any other asked ok this site, the OP isn’t responsible for other people’s rudeness in prior threads.
I’ve been here a very long time and have seen a couple of the goady types, but this post actually generated a lot of interesting reasons and routes to the site.

OK, I apologise if I unfairly labelled/accused this OP. To be fair, the actual OP itself made it clear that the question wasn't meant to be goady, but the title is a great example of how you need to understand the lack of body language in the written word and make sure that it doesn't potentially come across as aggressive. "Why are you here?" may well be intended to mean "What first brought you here?" but can equally (if not more so, subjectively) be interpreted as "Why are you somewhere you have no right/reason to be?" You have to be very careful not to instantly rub people up the wrong way with what can appear to be a goady/accusatory title.

Also, I'm assuming OP is quite new and might not realise that there are other topics, but the very nature of AIBU is to ask sometimes very divisive and/or reactionary questions. Had she posted "What first brought you to MN - especially if you don't have kids?" in Chat, it would have been clearly a friendly query, as OP intended, and not, from the title at least, easily interpreted as a demand to justify your use of a general public discussion board that has long outgrown merely matters of parenting.

Either way, whether goady or not (and I'd say the endless threads on it that we have are 50/50 at best - probably more towards the accusatory end), here's where an algorithm (if it were possible) might be useful - opposite to the one for the zombie threads. Whereas with the latter, you get the message "This hasn't been posted to in over a year, why not start a new thread?", for the very, very common questions that come up time and time again, an auto message saying "This us a very frequently-asked question - why not do an advanced search to see how it's already been answered?" could be helpful. That way, as well as avoiding annoyance, newbies would see lots more of the responses in one thread rather than spread across a hundred threads.

Because 90% of threads aren't child related.

I spend 0% of my time on MN taking about my children.

MN is a place for women to talk.

Why does it even matter why child-free people come here? They come here to talk - the exact same reason parents come here.

I don’t mean to be rude - but it’s pretty obvious.

Because 90% of threads aren't child related.

And even for the 10% or whatever that are, plenty of people have children in their family or work/associate directly with them, even though they aren't actually parents themselves.

HelloOldSport nope, that's not what I want. If a group of mums did want that, then I feel they should be allowed to without explanation. It's not up to wider society to dictate what mums can talk about amongst themselves and who they should include. As you can see from the context of my post I was questioning the reasoning that if parents discuss things other than parenting they should include everyone. I don't agree with that. It would mean that parents that want to connect with only other parents would have to do so in a very limited way - by only talking about parenting.

Again, I don't want to exclude anyone from anywhere, I even said I don't think it's a bad thing that anyone is welcome here in my first post and in replies have said that I like it. Asking questions and discussing things doesn't mean I want anything to happen. It just means I'm curious about what is happening.

I had heard of MN. but assumed it was for parents of young children. Then we were having our kitchen done and I Googled something about the pros and cons of granite work surfaces and came across a brilliant MN thread with advice on new kitchens.

At the time my dc were teenagers, they are now in their 20s. I rarely look at any of the parenting boards although sometimes comment on baby names threads if they come up in Active threads. However, I read the Feminism boards avidly and also a selection of other boards.

Mostly for the drama and judgemental posts really. AIBU never disappoints. Why @WrongWayApricot would mums want to exclude childless people from discussing parking disputes, mother in laws, selfish brides. Does having a child make a bit bloody difference for any of the above?! The Daily Mail and other sites often use mumsnet disputes as material, google results often bring up mumsnet with an answer for any query you may have. That’s how people get here. We stick around for the charm It gets me also that people think they can decide who is allowed in their gang. Leave that to mumsnet team eh?

They should change it to Peoplenet. 😂