To be cross with our childminder?

[ranging]

Name changed.

DD has been going to the same childminder since she was 8 months and she is now 2.5. She absolutely loves it there and she's very kind and friendly, I get lots of crafts home that DD does and they go out and do a lot.

DD is going through a challenging phase, not doing as she's told, very stubborn, sometimes hitting and biting.

When I picked her up on Friday, the childminder said that she had taken her shoes and socks off in the car and was refusing to put them back on, so she took her out the car and put him on the (wet and muddy) ground in her bare feet and told her basically that's what you get for not putting your shoes on. She apparently got upset by this and then finally allowed her to put her shoes back on.

I was a bit taken aback by this, AIBU to tell her I am not happy about this at all? I'm not sure if this is an ok tactic to use with a toddler but I never would and don't want anyone else to treat her like that either.

OP you seem very argumentative. The responses are pretty clear. If you are so unhappy with the CM's techniques just take your child out of that setting - saves the CM a lot of hassle, allows you to pander to your child as you wish and saves the rest of us massive eye rolls.

You really, really need to read all the responses and digest them. It's not often that these threads are so heavily weighted in one direction.

Yes, but the buggy isn't causing her physical discomfort.
Neither is standing on slightly damp ground for a few seconds.

She didn't make her walk over hot coals!

She used a natural consequence of choosing not to wear shoes to show the value of shoes.

You by comparison would punish your child by forcing her into a buggy, physically restricting her movement and stopping her social interaction with her friends. A much more severe punishment that teaches her no natural consequences

But you're clearly convinced that you are right and you CM and everyone on this thread is wrong 🤷‍♀️

Honestly - a couple of mins on the ground would have done her little harm and to describe it as physical discomfort. Well is a consequence you don't enjoy not automatically uncomfortable? Does it matter if its physical discomfort or emotional/mental discomfort like being in a buggy you don't want to be in? As long as either is not excessive enough to be traumatic of course.

Oh for god sakes. You are paying for your CM's services. If you dont like what she did- go find another childminder!

I work with teenagers who still struggle with the natural consequences they should have learned when they were toddlers.

Do we really know what 'hot' means until we feel it on our fingers?

I think it’s fine and have done similar with my own dc. The CM may have had other dc in need of the buggy more than your dc who is perfectly able to walk.

@Atalune

Post withdrawn

Hey Atalune what does "working at EY as an advisor" have to do with it? I think you should be careful quoting your employer on social media in unrelated contexts.

Yes, but the buggy isn't causing her physical discomfort.

How do you get her in it? How do you keep her in it? Thinking back to when mine were small forcing them into a buggy was certainly briefly uncomfortable for them! Probably the same level of discomfort as standing on the wet ground with bare feet.

To me, it seemed punishing and the thought of my daughter being uncomfortable or cold isn't a pleasant one.

I would have put DD in the buggy (which she often goes in).

She doesn't like going in the buggy.

So you would have given your DD a different punishment that would make your DD uncomfortable. Is what you’re saying. You wanted the CMer to make your DD uncomfortable, but in a different way.

OP A toddler who doesn't want to be in a buggy, twisting and squirming is in far more physical discomfort and for longer, than a toddler whose feet touch damp ground for a few seconds. It is also more stressful and inconvenient for the childminder and the other children and it teaches your DD nothing about why she needs to wear shoes (other than because an adult said so). You really need to get a grip.

I assume @ranging that you'll never take her to paddle at a British seaside, play in the mud, help in the garden or build sandcastles?
All involve the dreaded 'damp'

The childminder knows your child very well, and the child knows the childminder well too. The childminder understands what makes your child tick, and the child understands that the childminder means what she says.

I can’t see that this incident will have ruined that good relationship.

I think it was a good tactic, she wasnt hurt and it worked. I've done similar myself with coats, left the house without a coat (it's been refused by the child). They've said its freezing so wanted to go back to get coats.

Being strapped into a buggy that she does not like going in, whilst her friends get to run and play freely? That is a consequence

A consequence that didn’t suit the childminder, probably for safety reasons (lots of mindees to watch) and because she didn’t want your toddler thinking she gets a buggy ride to the house every time she acts up! Offering a buggy instead of shoes or wet feet is a weak consequence however much child dislikes the buggy!

Why should the childminder get the buggy out, unfold it, drag a tantruming toddler out of their car seat into the much-hated buggy, strap her in by force and wheel her to the house? All whilst minding other children, maybe some of the others actually needed buggies or needed carrying as they were babies/younger toddlers? How many buggies should she push? Who then carries all the stuff that has to be lugged around with kids?

Your daughter was perfectly capable of walking. She chose not to wear her socks and shoes. Rudely refused to put them back on or let childminder put them back on. Natural consequence is she has to walk barefoot to the front door as she won’t do as she’s told. Trust me, next time she’ll keep her shoes on!

I’d be concerned if the childminder offered choices like ‘buggy or walk’ to a walking toddler going from car to house!

@movingquandry

If it helps OP I was advised to do this exact thing by a health professional when I was struggling to deal with my very feisty daughter.

Sadly for me it didn't work ("she'll give in eventually" advised said professional, "probably before you're down the front path"). She walked 1 mile to school in just socks on a filthy wet day, steadfastly refusing further offers of dry socks and her shoes. and then refused for an hour at school to change out of the wet filthy socks. I didn't give in though , or force her (as advised ) but the looks I got from other parents , I just ignored and walked on. Jesus. She's a lovely young woman now (just as feisty ).

Your DD sounds awesome

Presumably she is taking care of other kids and not just yours so won't have time to indulge as her as you would! When I had just the one child I would have picked them up, moaning and just taken them in. When I had two and was out and about on my own I would have done similar to the childminder. What would you have had her do exactly? If you have an issue with the actions of someone who cares for your child you should raise them there and then.

Children learn through consequences. She now knows why we need socks and shoes outdoors compared to indoors. This is the very way children learn.

When DS was a toddler and refused to put his coat on to go out, I'd let him go out without one (and bring the coat anyway) Then he would inevitably get cold and ask for his coat. No harm done, lesson learned and fewer stressful arguments. This is the same.

@DoItAfraid

I think she means early years advisor rather than working at Ernst Young...

Cm handled it great tbh. Your child now has a real life example and understanding of why she needs socks and shoes.
Putting her in a buggy until she relents and gets the shoes on is pointless. It's just prolonging the sock shoe stand off.

What would you have preferred the CM to do?

I used to run playgroups through the week. Dozens of local kids and they all l came from birth and stayed throughout nursery age.
You could tell pretty early on which kids would be regular biters, hitter, snatchers and tantrummers. It was almost always in direct correlation with the style of parenting their mums used (I could say dads too but none ever came).
It was the mums who dismissed, excused or accepted certain behaviours by
a) age,
b) phases
or c) things that happened that day/week/month.

I learned plenty from that.it's served me well parenting. Passive parenting causes negative behaviour.

How cold was it? Here it was around 10 degrees and I would have done exactly the same, muddy slightly chilly toes teach a lesson. If it was snowing perhaps not, too cold

I can't see she did anything wrong, if you keep pampering to her she will be running rings round you. She's learnt why we wear shoes and socks now.

I think she sounds like a great child minder. If you're not happy with what she did, talk to her and tell her gently that you'd rather she used a different technique next time, and tell her what you would prefer her to do. Don't sit and fume over this, it's not worth it.

If you wouldn't do it as a parent then it isn't ok for someone else to do it