Page 17 | To be cross with our childminder?

ranging · 2021-05-09T08:29:22+00:00

Name changed. DD has been going to the same childminder since she was 8 months and she is now 2.5. She absolutely loves it there and she's very kind and friendly, I get lots of crafts home that DD does and they go out and do a lot. DD is going through a challenging phase, not doing as she's told, very stubborn, sometimes hitting and biting. When I picked her up on Friday, the childminder said that she had taken her shoes and socks off in the car and was refusing to put them back on, so she took her out the car and put him on the (wet and muddy) ground in her bare feet and told her basically that's what you get for not putting your shoes on. She apparently got upset by this and then finally allowed her to put her shoes back on. I was a bit taken aback by this, AIBU to tell her I am not happy about this at all? I'm not sure if this is an ok tactic to use with a toddler but I never would and don't want anyone else to treat her like that either.

Pumperthepumper · 09/05/2021 19:19

@ranging I’d be finding a new childminder. She’s very little still and if her behaviour is much worse there than at home, I’d be taking that as an indication that she wasn’t happy there.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/05/2021 19:19

This sort of preciousness over a child being upset always makes my eyes roll. If they aren't upset it means the message hasn't gone in/they have got what they wanted/got away with not doing what you wanted

Pumperthepumper · 09/05/2021 19:21

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

This sort of preciousness over a child being upset always makes my eyes roll. If they aren't upset it means the message hasn't gone in/they have got what they wanted/got away with not doing what you wanted

Making them upset so you win is shitty, bullying behaviour.

suddengate · 09/05/2021 19:23

OP come back when you're looking for a new CM because your current one is fed up of being bitten whilst trying to wrestle a child into a buggy 🙄

suddengate · 09/05/2021 19:23

OP come back when you're looking for a new CM because your current one is fed up of being bitten whilst trying to wrestle a child into a buggy 🙄

Friedasunibrow · 09/05/2021 19:23

Is it about winning?

capercaillie · 09/05/2021 19:24

Have done the same as the childminder. DD went outside without shoes on, coat on and pyjamas. Got through very quickly that there is a consequence to that decision. 2.5 year olds test boundaries.

Pumperthepumper · 09/05/2021 19:28

@Friedasunibrow

Is it about winning?

It shouldn’t be, because it’s a grown adult vs someone who has been on the planet for two and a half years and doesn’t have the control over their emotions yet.

Morgan12 · 09/05/2021 19:30

I'd be raging if someone treated my child like this. Its not something I would do to so I wouldn't like it if someone else did. Seems quite bullying to me.

Friedasunibrow · 09/05/2021 19:30

I don’t think it was about winning, don’t want to wear shoes? Don’t wear them and if you are comfortable great and if you are not make a different choice.

Pumperthepumper · 09/05/2021 19:33

@Friedasunibrow

I don’t think it was about winning, don’t want to wear shoes? Don’t wear them and if you are comfortable great and if you are not make a different choice.

To a 2.5 year old? Is it not more likely they were hot and uncomfortable (or whatever) and she’s too young to make the connection between ‘putting them back on and being uncomfortable again or being punished’?

Tayho · 09/05/2021 19:47

Sounds like he was being bold so yes, I would endorse childminder's actions.

Friedasunibrow · 09/05/2021 20:03

In your view, I don’t see that as a punishment so we differ.

WaltzingBetty · 09/05/2021 20:03

@Morgan12

I'd be raging if someone treated my child like this. Its not something I would do to so I wouldn't like it if someone else did. Seems quite bullying to me.

It's bullying to allow a child who doesn't want to wear socks and shoes to not wear socks and shoes until they realise the error of their ways and through their own experience decide that wearing socks and shoes is preferable?

Surely that's an informed choice? How can they make it unless you allow them to experience natural consequences?

What about allowing them that informed choice is bullying @Morgan12 ?

Allthereindeersaregirls · 09/05/2021 20:08

I'm a fan of natural consequences. This wouldn't be an issue for me.

Today DD wanted to wear shorts, she wore shorts, I took leggings and we discussed appropriate clothing choices when she got cold and she got changed.

Pumperthepumper · 09/05/2021 20:15

It's bullying to allow a child who doesn't want to wear socks and shoes to not wear socks and shoes until they realise the error of their ways and through their own experience decide that wearing socks and shoes is preferable?

Surely that's an informed choice? How can they make it unless you allow them to experience natural consequences?

What about allowing them that informed choice is bullying @Morgan12 ?

Is this a serious question?

So if someone much bigger than you decided you should put your shoes back on and you couldn’t articulate why you didn’t want to, and they just lifted you up and plonked you on the muddy ground, you’d be absolutely fine with that?

notacooldad · 09/05/2021 20:15

I'd be raging if someone treated my child like this. Its not something I would do to so I wouldn't like it if someone else did. Seems quite bullying to me
Bullying my arse!!😂
If you don't out your socks and shoes on you get wet feet!
Don't believe it? There you go, wet feet!!

Pumperthepumper · 09/05/2021 20:16

@notacooldad

I'd be raging if someone treated my child like this. Its not something I would do to so I wouldn't like it if someone else did. Seems quite bullying to me Bullying my arse!!😂 If you don't out your socks and shoes on you get wet feet! Don't believe it? There you go, wet feet!!

She wouldn’t have got wet feet if she’d been allowed to stay in the car. You’re expecting quite a lot of cognitive development from a 2.5 year old. And punishing them won’t make them learn faster.

Newkitchen123 · 09/05/2021 20:17

[quote Pumperthepumper]@ranging I’d be finding a new childminder. She’s very little still and if her behaviour is much worse there than at home, I’d be taking that as an indication that she wasn’t happy there.[/quote]
It could also be taken as she's not getting her own way there

Pumperthepumper · 09/05/2021 20:18

It could also be taken as she's not getting her own way there

Give me an example.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/05/2021 20:18

Making them upset so you win is shitty, bullying behaviour.

Where did I say anything about winning? Or "making them upset"? The point is not to set out to make them upset. The point is that the adult needs to get them to do something they dont want to do, because the adult knows better, not for the sake of "winning".

My point being that generally children of this age are upset when they do not get their way - standard emotional response. They do have to learn to do as they are told even when it's not what they want. This is because its important that children accept that a trusted adult knows better how to ensure their needs are met than the 2.5 year old does. If they arent upset its usually that in some way or other, the adult has given in to them. It's not generally a good idea to do that because actually it teaches children that they can always have everything on their terms (hint. They can't).

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/05/2021 20:21

She wouldn’t have got wet feet if she’d been allowed to stay in the car.

How can the childminder just leave her in the car? The childminder has other children to care for. They cannot sit in a car all day because this child refuses to put shoes on and can't be upset.

The child cannot have it's own way all the time!

notacooldad · 09/05/2021 20:24

She wouldn’t have got wet feet if she’d been allowed to stay in the car. You’re expecting quite a lot of cognitive development from a 2.5 year old. And punishing them won’t make them learn faster
So a child should stay in the car no matter what? She doesn't want to put her shoes on so everyone would have to wait until she doess what she wants.
Awesome! Thats a quick way to allow a child to get to do what they want when they want.
How on earth did I manage to raise two lads into adulthood that are respectful and not act entitled.
Oh let me think, that's it! I didn't let them rule the roost, showed them love and limits, let them know they were important but at the same time that the world doesn't revolve round at them and expected them to learn from consequences of their behaviour.

WaltzingBetty · 09/05/2021 20:26

So if someone much bigger than you decided you should put your shoes back on and you couldn’t articulate why you didn’t want to, and they just lifted you up and plonked you on the muddy ground, you’d be absolutely fine with that?

Right @Pumperthepumper

So you'd have left a toddler unattended and alone in the car rather than allow them to explore the world as they have chosen (barefooted)
Yeah you sound responsible

Pumperthepumper · 09/05/2021 20:26

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Making them upset so you win is shitty, bullying behaviour.

Where did I say anything about winning? Or "making them upset"? The point is not to set out to make them upset. The point is that the adult needs to get them to do something they dont want to do, because the adult knows better, not for the sake of "winning".

My point being that generally children of this age are upset when they do not get their way - standard emotional response. They do have to learn to do as they are told even when it's not what they want. This is because its important that children accept that a trusted adult knows better how to ensure their needs are met than the 2.5 year old does. If they arent upset its usually that in some way or other, the adult has given in to them. It's not generally a good idea to do that because actually it teaches children that they can always have everything on their terms (hint. They can't).

You said it here:

If they aren't upset it means the message hasn't gone in

You are expecting a two year old to have the cognitive reasoning of an adult. And you’re punishing them when they don’t. So that you can have everything on your terms.