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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with our childminder?

785 replies

ranging · 09/05/2021 09:29

Name changed.

DD has been going to the same childminder since she was 8 months and she is now 2.5. She absolutely loves it there and she's very kind and friendly, I get lots of crafts home that DD does and they go out and do a lot.

DD is going through a challenging phase, not doing as she's told, very stubborn, sometimes hitting and biting.

When I picked her up on Friday, the childminder said that she had taken her shoes and socks off in the car and was refusing to put them back on, so she took her out the car and put him on the (wet and muddy) ground in her bare feet and told her basically that's what you get for not putting your shoes on. She apparently got upset by this and then finally allowed her to put her shoes back on.

I was a bit taken aback by this, AIBU to tell her I am not happy about this at all? I'm not sure if this is an ok tactic to use with a toddler but I never would and don't want anyone else to treat her like that either.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/05/2021 14:44

[quote TwiceAsNice22]@billy1966 My daughter was (is!) the same with getting ready for school. I did actually send her to school once in her pj’s because she refused to get dressed and I was fed up of the daily battles. I feel awful about that now as I didn’t realise what was going on. Sometimes kids react because of underlying issues, not just because they are being naughty. Until my daughters assessment and diagnosis, I didn’t even heard of sensory processing problems, I thought she was just being naughty. Instead I humiliated her because she was having problems coping.
I do agree with you though that if the OP is happy on the whole with her childminder she should let this go.[/quote]
This child didn't have any issues, he just liked to take his time and go at his pace in the morning which was in no way compatible with getting to school on time.

His siblings were left waiting by the door until he eventually got dressed.

His mother was getting the house up earlier to accommodate him, which wasn't fair on her or his siblings.

Your child clearly had other issues going on.
You were doing your best at the time.
Don't waste your energy on guilt when you were doing your best with the information you had.
I have heard of others who have done the exact same after loosing patience with all the faffing around.

Flowers
SonnyWinds · 09/05/2021 14:53

YABU.

Legoninjago1 · 09/05/2021 14:58

Im sure I've done the same with mine. Unless there's broken glass around what's the problem?

a8mint · 09/05/2021 15:02

You need to stop being so precious.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/05/2021 15:38

At the end of the day, you have to allow the childminder to use her own judgement in these situations. The fact that you would have done it slightly differently is neither her nor there.

sunnyblackwidow · 09/05/2021 15:44

Childminder: 'please put your shoes back on, it's wet & muddy outside and your feet are going to get wet'

Child: 'no'

Child's feet get wet and muddy, so put shoes back on (learns a lesson)

I really don't see a problem here, if you continue to be so precious and let your child call the shots you are in for a very long and rocky 'challenging phase' here OP. Trust me I have teenagers.

badatcrochet1996 · 09/05/2021 17:04

OP, you sound really silly.

The childminder used natural consequences that worked. Why bring a buggy into it which just confuses things? You should have to put her in a buggy, she should do as she's told.

Your DD learnt a valuable lesson, you should try it with her in other situations where she's being difficult as it clearly works.

Devlesko · 09/05/2021 17:48

Perfect situation for a sahm, like all the others who want it doing their way Grin or not at all.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/05/2021 17:56

What are we talking, 5 mins on a brisk may day?

I've done this several times. I'd be fine with my CM doing this.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/05/2021 18:01

Putting her in the buggy teaches her that if she doesn't want to put her shoes on she doesn't have to.

Your CMs life doesnt revolve around your DD. She has other children to mind. If she tells your DD to push shoes on it's because she needs her to put them on, now, and this is an effective way to show her why.

Your DDs behaviour is probably "worse" for the CM because the CM doesn't give her what she wants all the time - there are more boundaries for her to push against.

Tal45 · 09/05/2021 18:15

So the childminder should try to make her go in the buggy and try to strap her in when she knows she doesn't like it and is going through a hitting and biting stage? I think what she did was much more sensible because your dd actually learnt natural consequences for herself.

midnightstar66 · 09/05/2021 18:32

What are we talking, 5 mins on a brisk may day?

No, a split second. 2 seconds at the most it sounds. Didn't get as far as walking as dc then decided shoes were the best option and put them on as was the result hoped for with the technique

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/05/2021 18:39

I have done the same as a nanny

Sure I will as a mum if I need to

Your child wasn’t in any danger

She did what cm wanted in a few mins

What would you have done

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/05/2021 18:42

Oh you would have used the buggy

Well maybe cm didn’t want to use buggy

Doesn’t like buggy

Doesn’t like dirty feet

What the cm did means your dd now will wear her shoes and socks

2bazookas · 09/05/2021 18:44

Your dd is old enough to understand simple consequences. No shoes= cold wet feet. Shoes on = comfy feet. Your CM is doing just fine.

Onesnowynight · 09/05/2021 18:47

I done this with both my ds’s when they were toddlers. They learnt quickly. They joy of natural consequences.

Hagqueen · 09/05/2021 18:47

I’m really confused OP - surely the buggy is a punishment?? Its not a consequence and it doesn’t directly correlate to the not wearing of shoes so a toddler would be hard pressed to link the two - especially if prolonged because of shoe refusal.

I get the whole PFB thing and of course, noone likes to think of their child upset but honestly, you’re overreacting.

WrongWayApricot · 09/05/2021 18:50

I don't think you ABU to feel cross with the childminder, you can't help how you feel. I don't think the childminder did anything wrong but I can imagine how it can make you feel angry or sad that your DD was without you and uncomfortable. I also think that it's up to you how you want your DD to be taught. If you don't like the childminder's techniques then I think you should find one that better suits the way you want your DD looked after and taught. I don't think you should complain to the current childminder though because it's a preference that she probably wouldn't be able or willing to accommodate and it works for her and the other children she looks after.

SunshineCake · 09/05/2021 19:04

This has reminded me of when I was a nanny to a child of about 20 months and he wouldn't put his mittens on to play in the snow. I said okay and went to take him outside figuring he'd soon feel how cold it was and put the mittens on.

Parents sacked me for not having the authority to potty train him if I couldn't get him to put mittens on. Hmm.

Hesma · 09/05/2021 19:06

@ranging

Maybe your pandering to DD is making her behaviour worse? She needs to learn that actions have consequences.

Precisely this!

Friedasunibrow · 09/05/2021 19:06

@SunshineCake

This has reminded me of when I was a nanny to a child of about 20 months and he wouldn't put his mittens on to play in the snow. I said okay and went to take him outside figuring he'd soon feel how cold it was and put the mittens on.

Parents sacked me for not having the authority to potty train him if I couldn't get him to put mittens on. Hmm.

Parents like that should try raising their own kids, just to see..
Kokosrieksts · 09/05/2021 19:07

Huh? You are being very precious.

sanityisamyth · 09/05/2021 19:08

I'd have done exactly the same as the CM.

midnightstar66 · 09/05/2021 19:13

Parents sacked me for not having the authority to potty train him if I couldn't get him to put mittens on.

I imagine you dodged a bullet there 😆

IWantWhatShesHaving · 09/05/2021 19:16

So what would you have done OP?

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