To be cross with our childminder?

[ranging]

Name changed.

DD has been going to the same childminder since she was 8 months and she is now 2.5. She absolutely loves it there and she's very kind and friendly, I get lots of crafts home that DD does and they go out and do a lot.

DD is going through a challenging phase, not doing as she's told, very stubborn, sometimes hitting and biting.

When I picked her up on Friday, the childminder said that she had taken her shoes and socks off in the car and was refusing to put them back on, so she took her out the car and put him on the (wet and muddy) ground in her bare feet and told her basically that's what you get for not putting your shoes on. She apparently got upset by this and then finally allowed her to put her shoes back on.

I was a bit taken aback by this, AIBU to tell her I am not happy about this at all? I'm not sure if this is an ok tactic to use with a toddler but I never would and don't want anyone else to treat her like that either.

So Op, your daughter doesn't like dirt on her?
Doesn't want to wear socks or shoes?
Also doesn't like the buggy?

She sounds quite the little handful. I'm assuming that the cm has other, possibly younger children in her care? While she's locating a spare buggy, unfolding it and getting your daughter to sit in it and do something that yet again she doesn't like doing (so cm possibly getting clawed and bitten by your dd) what is happening to the other children? Or as long as your dd gets her own way is that all that matters?
Good luck with the teenage years!!

@billy1966 My daughter was (is!) the same with getting ready for school. I did actually send her to school once in her pj’s because she refused to get dressed and I was fed up of the daily battles. I feel awful about that now as I didn’t realise what was going on. Sometimes kids react because of underlying issues, not just because they are being naughty. Until my daughters assessment and diagnosis, I didn’t even heard of sensory processing problems, I thought she was just being naughty. Instead I humiliated her because she was having problems coping.
I do agree with you though that if the OP is happy on the whole with her childminder she should let this go.

@EssentialHummus

Natural consequences indeed

Natural consequences. Perfect! It sounds like you’ve got a great childminder there.

Perfect natural consequence to not putting on socks and shoes

Sounds fine to me too. Toddlers learn consequences from direct and clear messages. You don't wear shoes your feet get dirty/cold is clear and concise, it is not like she made her walk a mile with no shoes on.

You are over reacting.

@EssentialHummus

Oh dear lilliana, shouldn’t have gotten it in the mud eh?

These threads always seem to go the same

OP: Am I being unreasonable?

The comments: Yes and this is why

OP: No I'm not.

I see it as a great way of teaching that actions have consequences 🤷‍♀️
Your going to hate it when she starts school and there out in all weathers if you don't man up 🤣

To be honest it sounds like you that needs to go on a parenting course.
If your child is playing up at 2.5 it is time to put consequences in place. You're saying she was 'punished and it doesn't sit right with you'. What utter wishy washy nonsense.
Your child was trying it on by not putting shoes and socks on. Childminder shows what the reality is like without them. Child puts shoes on because they realise it's better than being cold. Job done.

DD is also very sensitive to getting wet and dirty, she hates even having the slightest bit of food or dirt on her clothes or skin and can sometimes get quite distressed. CM knows this
Cm has taught your child that if you don't put shoes on when appropriate you can get wet and dirty. Your child doesn't like being wet and dirty so next time will do as she is told.
You would be ridiculous if you complained.

Although the childminders approach may seem off to you, it's probably much more effective than the approach of not letting her out of the buggy until she puts her shoes on.
Getting cold, wet feet is a direct and immediate consequence of not having your shoes on, whereas not being allowed to get out of your buggy until you've put your shoes on is a bit illogical to a toddler and not really a consequence that she will learn much from.
From the toddlers point of view a big adult is keeping you fastened in a buggy you don't like being trapped in until you put your shoes on, just because they say so.

YABU and very precious. My toddler has a pair of sandals he currently loves and won’t wear anything else. In the pouring freezing rain last week he went to the park in them (with a snowsuit on no less) and I simply took some other shoes and socks. It took half an hour before he said his feet were cold and he wanted the other shoes on. Now if I explain to him that it’s cold and wet so we need wellies he agrees as he has learned what I mean.

I think the childminder was quite right , she has other children to look after and can’t wait all day for yours to do what they are told

My child (with sen) decided to urinate all over the childminders toilet cabinet and walls she made him help her clean it up and he never did it again I didn't complain its exactly what I would have done

Just saying that childminders in our area are in great demand, so if your CM minds other children they may be getting comments from other parents about the behaviour of your hitting and biting child. What if indulging your toddler, as you think they should, makes another child late for nursery/school or for a timed activity don’t you think other parents might complain? Your CM may be lovely but at the end of the day she is running a business, a caring one admittedly, but a business non the less. If you start complaining about an issue that most parents would not have a problem with, you may find that the CM asks you to find another childcare provider.

If you read this far I hope you ignore the catty comments. These are the ones that are like man up/ toughen up/ sounds like a handful/ your precious etc etc

To ask an opinion is not precious, to reflect on an incident that has caused you to think is not precious, to have a tantrum at 2.5 years or even 5 years is not being a handful.

What a bunch of bored and hateful women out there who are set up to breed more bored and hateful people. Seriously I cringe.

And I as I wrote earlier on....I don't think the CM was wrong but it isn't wrong for you to reflect upon the incident either :)

Happy Sunday

You are being ridiculous, precious and PFB. Complain to your childminder and you’ll probably find yourself looking for a new one. Doesn’t sound like your daughter was distressed at all: she learned that stamping her feet won’t get her own way, quickly decided to put her shoes on and all was fine, she doesn’t have hypothermia, pneumonia or trench foot and I’m sure will recover from the psychological trauma of having damp feet for a very short period of time!

@DeathStare

OP A toddler who doesn't want to be in a buggy, twisting and squirming is in far more physical discomfort and for longer, than a toddler whose feet touch damp ground for a few seconds. It is also more stressful and inconvenient for the childminder and the other children and it teaches your DD nothing about why she needs to wear shoes (other than because an adult said so). You really need to get a grip.

I think @DeathStare is absolutely spot on here. A moment or two of bare feet in mud, even on a cold, rainy day, isn’t going to cause your dd any harm at all, @ranging - and if it meant that she put her shoes and socks on without further stropping, and could go and play with the other mindees, that’s actually a better outcome (and therefore maybe a more sensible natural consequence) for her than being strapped into the buggy and not getting to play.

For what it’s worth, we once took the dses to the beach in November, on a really cold, sunny but winters day - we had friends staying with us whose dc were the same age as ours - 4-ish, 2-ish and about 9 months. Their older two ran around on the beach in their wellies and thick coats, whilst my older two immediately stripped off their boots and socks to go and paddle. We warned them that it would be too cold, but as ds1 said ‘the water is shiny, mum - it will be warm’ - and off they hurtled, into the water. They were surprised at how cold it was, but enjoyed their paddling, and came to no harm whatsoever.

YABU.
She should do what she was told.
She won't do it again.

In life, the consequence of not wanting to wear socks or shoes is not a person much bigger than you forcing you onto the wet, cold, dirty ground

But that's not what happened. The child wanted to get out of the car without her shoes. The childminder simply helped her out of the seat. She didn't force anything, she was just letting the child see what the consequences of her own decisions would be.

I would have done what the childminder did but I don’t think either of you are wrong. Riding in the buggy also a reasonable consequence. Perhaps
The childminder just didn’t think of it.

I would personally suggest the buggy as an option for future incidents, mention you were uncomfortable with her being barefoot on cold ground and both of you move into focusing on her sensory sensitivities to mud and being dirty which will hold her back far more than some toddler stubbornness

So you're happy with physical restraint (putting in buggy she doesn't like) but not getting feet a bit wet and muddy? CM was right.

In life, the consequence of not wanting to wear socks or shoes is not a person much bigger than you forcing you onto the wet, cold, dirty ground

In life, the consequence also isn't a much bigger person forcing you into restraints and keeping you there until you change your mind about the shoes and socks

I think she acted perfectly. Your child loves her. She isn’t scared of her or not wanting to go. You have to respect that she did what was best. Your child needs to learn lessons and she did a prefect job in teaching her. Keep hold of her as not all chikdminders are as good.

A childminder is probably used to dealing with sometimes stroppy small children, and this tactic that she used is ok, I would have done the same myself. It is not a nasty thing to, and the child will hopefully learn something from this.. The childminder does not need any iffy comments from a precious parent.