To be cross with our childminder?

[ranging]

Name changed.

DD has been going to the same childminder since she was 8 months and she is now 2.5. She absolutely loves it there and she's very kind and friendly, I get lots of crafts home that DD does and they go out and do a lot.

DD is going through a challenging phase, not doing as she's told, very stubborn, sometimes hitting and biting.

When I picked her up on Friday, the childminder said that she had taken her shoes and socks off in the car and was refusing to put them back on, so she took her out the car and put him on the (wet and muddy) ground in her bare feet and told her basically that's what you get for not putting your shoes on. She apparently got upset by this and then finally allowed her to put her shoes back on.

I was a bit taken aback by this, AIBU to tell her I am not happy about this at all? I'm not sure if this is an ok tactic to use with a toddler but I never would and don't want anyone else to treat her like that either.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

Having been a nanny for over ten years and dealing with this type of behaviour in toddlers/young children more times than I can count;

I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

😂😂😂 this

@billy1966

OP,

I think it was a reasonable lesson in consequences.

You have admitted that she is very difficult at the CM's.

I would be cautious about criticising a CM doing her best to manage a difficult toddler, when you are very happy with the general care she provides.

You could find yourself being given short noticed by her and deeply regret it.

Toddlers that are really hard work make for a long day.

I remember a friends child playing up in the morning when he started school and refusing to get dressed and there was drama and upset every morning.

One morning her husband was at home and bundled him into the car in his pjs and brought him to school.

He went to get him out of school and the child was crying etc. He was told by his father if he ever made a fuss again, he would be carried into school in his pjs.

No further problems were had.
He was shown the consequences of his behaviour.

I thought the father was correct.

Exactly what I'd have done.

The "fine, do without" method works every time.

I think a brief moment of discomfort with dirty feet is far preferable to a potential screaming, kicking and wailing 2 year old being bundled into a buggy against her will.
Kids sometimes need to experience the consequence of their irrational decisions, and your CM did this safely in this instance.

Perfect consequence. Literally 2 seconds of cold wet feet. Not cruel or unkind. Toddlers dont have logic, they need consequences. I'd also be happy that your child minder is so open and honest.

She doesn't like the buggy so I'm guessing she'd have to be manhandled into it whilst she does an impression of an ironing board and screams holy hell? That's far more distressing than a few seconds of cold feet.

@BarryFromEastenders

YANBU I agree with you, OP. This is clearly punishing behaviour, not some sort of inevitability or “natural consequence” (what?! So if I decide I don’t want my shoes and socks on, someone much bigger than me is going to force me to stand on cold muddy ground?!). There were other ways of dealing with the incident, which I wouldn’t even notice if my son did... so what if he doesn’t want his shoes and socks on? What’s the big deal if he’s in the car? Or I’d just be trying to think about what the bigger picture is: is the child tired/hungry/overwhelmed? It’s interesting that you mention your daughter is going through a tricky phase and it makes me wonder whether this punishment was done out of anger/irritation at the child, and I’d be wondering if I were you whether this sort of physically retributive (“that’s what you get”) behaviour towards your child is happening in other ways under the childminder’s care (which might help to explain some of her own frustrated physical acting out like hitting and biting). For me, Janet Lansbury is queen of dealing with moments of toddler stubbornness and I’d be looking for a childminder with a childcare practice and philosophy more aligned with my own.

It's a toddler, not a precious little package. Kids learn resilience through minor adversity. Wrapping them up in cotton wool does not do them any favours.

@SoupDragon

If my child was acting like that with me I would put their shoes and socks back on before getting out the car

Yeah... I bet the childminder made no effort to do that 😂😂😂

And if they didn't let you put them back on? What then? Presumably you would have used force to do so...?

The post said the child refused to put them on, not that the child refused to let the childminder put them on so yes, based on the post this is what I'd do but clearly I'm wrong in dealing with the issue this way?😂😂

You know childminder can refuse to have her anymore if she is biting?

You will not change my mind on this which seems like you are trying to by telling me my opinion is wrong

@soditall56

I was saying that your statements about the childminder doing something dangerous was indicative of the disrespect shown to childcare professionals by many parents.

That is my opinion, which as you’ve pointed out were all entitled to (and I never once said you weren’t - simply disagreed with your idea that a childcare professional wouldn’t have checked the ground before placing a barefoot child down).

Look up Barefoot walks OP. I can remember taking my DS to one in Trentham Gardens. He took his shoes and socks off and walked on all sorts of things including mud, pine cones, leaves, water and loads of other textures besides. He loved it so much he went round twice. And then we washed his feet at the end. No harm done! If your child standing briefly on the ground outside in bare feet is the biggest thing you've got to worry about in her life then you'll have a very charmed life!

Yeah... I bet the childminder made no effort to do that 😂😂😂

😂😂

I wouldn’t have a problem with this, but I’m a big fan of natural consequences.

But this is your child, and we all parent differently. You’re uncomfortable with it, and that’s entirely your prerogative.
I wonder if it’s time to consider a different childminder, who’s ethos is more inline with your own?

Childminders tend to have multiple children at a time, they can’t completely adapt their behaviour expectations, discipline style, etc, to each child. That’s why it’s so important to find one that shares your values. Perhaps your family and the childminder are no longer compatible, now that your daughter is older and her behaviour is becoming more challenging.

I don’t think I’d personally have done this as a nursery practitioner as not sure how I’d feel if it was my child but also can see the childminders logic

The child was not being disciplined. It's cause and effect, won't put your shoes on, then you go barefoot. The childminder could have forced her shoes back on, she could have forced her into the buggy but she didn't, she handled the situation better than you would have op. Be grateful that you have someone who knows what they are doing and learn from it.

The post said the child refused to put them on, not that the child refused to let the childminder put them on so yes, based on the post this is what I'd do but clearly I'm wrong in dealing with the issue this way?😂😂

So, you would use physical force to put shoes on your child. What if you hurt them whilst doing so? What if you caught their toe in the sock and pulled a nail? What if you scratched them? All about as likely (probably more likely) than putting them down on glass.

How is physically forcing shoes onto your child using your bigger size as an advantage better than showing them that no shoes means wet muddy feet?

I've ushered 3 through the troublesome years... trust me, I've use pretty much every technique going including physically forcing them to do something! Provided it does not involve physical chastisement or cruelty, I'm fine. Arguing that physically forcing a child into shoes is somehow better than gently showing them a consequence is just daft though.

Obviously "natural consequences" doesn't work with something like "leave your seatbelt on or you might die in an accident" though.

@JustLyra

You will not change my mind on this which seems like you are trying to by telling me my opinion is wrong

@soditall56

I was saying that your statements about the childminder doing something dangerous was indicative of the disrespect shown to childcare professionals by many parents.

That is my opinion, which as you’ve pointed out were all entitled to (and I never once said you weren’t - simply disagreed with your idea that a childcare professional wouldn’t have checked the ground before placing a barefoot child down).

As I have pointed out, it isn't always as black and white when walking barefoot weather it is safe to do so or not due to my own unpleasant experience which is why I wouldn't be happy with this.

That was certainly never meant to be disrespectful toward any childminder, child, parent or otherwise - purely based on experience

Wouldn’t bother me. My toddler went through a phase of kicking off whenever I tried to put his coat on. One day it was cold and drizzling and he refused to put it on, so I said ok that’s fine don’t wear it. By the time we got to the end of the road he was complaining of being cold so I suggested we put his coat on. Didn’t have a problem again.

If the ground was that wet and muddy she wouldn't have been able to use a buggy surely. It's a nightmare trying to push a buggy with a baby in it through mud let alone an almost 3 yo. I don't see anything wrong with what she did tbh. I'd let it go personal ly

Sounds fine to me. It was a quick tactic to make your Dd realise that it's between to have socks and shoes on. She wouldn't have let her walk around like that for more than a few moments. What did you think she should have done? Given up and taken all the children home?

OP the mud and dirt thing is best dealt with by lots of exposure to mud and dirt.

Is it possible she has picked up from you that a bit of mud and dirt is a terrifying thing!

I think it's fine , in fact my kids have been in their bare feet in the muddy puddles & loved it .

It’s absolutely fine, I think your childminder absolutely did the right thing - your daughter needs to learn not to take her shoes and socks off in the car.....in fact, I might try this with my little one!

Oh dear lilliana, shouldn’t have gotten it in the mud eh?