To be cross with our childminder?

[ranging]

Name changed.

DD has been going to the same childminder since she was 8 months and she is now 2.5. She absolutely loves it there and she's very kind and friendly, I get lots of crafts home that DD does and they go out and do a lot.

DD is going through a challenging phase, not doing as she's told, very stubborn, sometimes hitting and biting.

When I picked her up on Friday, the childminder said that she had taken her shoes and socks off in the car and was refusing to put them back on, so she took her out the car and put him on the (wet and muddy) ground in her bare feet and told her basically that's what you get for not putting your shoes on. She apparently got upset by this and then finally allowed her to put her shoes back on.

I was a bit taken aback by this, AIBU to tell her I am not happy about this at all? I'm not sure if this is an ok tactic to use with a toddler but I never would and don't want anyone else to treat her like that either.

Just tell her while you understand why she did it that you would like her not to do that again as it isn’t something that sits right with you.
Tell her how you would of preferred her to deal with it

Some of these replies 😂.

YANBU OP, she shouldn't have done it and you have every right to complain.

A nursery wouldn't do this. In fact I wouldn't do it to my own child.

@ranging

DD is also very sensitive to getting wet and dirty, she hates even having the slightest bit of food or dirt on her clothes or skin and can sometimes get quite distressed. CM knows this.

Ok so now she’s learnt valuable lesson. My dd was exactly the same about getting dirty. At this age I’d have felt protective. But having gone way past this age and having to deal with more demanding behaviour than refusing to wear shoes, I think your cm dealt with it effectively. And there was no punishment. Natural consequences. I try to use them wherever possible with dd as opposed to ‘discipline’, which in nature has to be stepped up.

Oh and just seen PFB thrown in. Mumsnet is so bloody predictable.

YABU, this sounds like a great childminder.

Linking behaviour with immediate consequences is a very good way to learn.

@HowsYourHeadHun

Some of these replies 😂.

YANBU OP, she shouldn't have done it and you have every right to complain.

A nursery wouldn't do this. In fact I wouldn't do it to my own child.

How do you teach the consequences of not putting on shoes and socks then?

"Physical discomfort" 🤣

As has been stated by others, the childminder did not do anything wrong at all.

Your daughter did not experience "physical discomfort" at all. She was obviously having a tantrum and refusing to put on her shoes and socks which is no use especially when other children are there.

Being carried or stuck in a pram means that she gets out of having to put them on and it wouldn't be ideal for her to be carried and others not all because she's having a strop. Childminder could have needed a pram for a younger child.

You need to actually teach and learn your child she doesn't get what she wants all because she refuses to behave. Otherwise you will never manage the teen years!

Be thankful that you have a childminder who is doing these things to try and teach her consequences instead of deciding to not take your daughter anymore due to her strops.

Astonishing. Yes, YABVVU. She sounds like she knows how to deal with this and prevent it from happening again.

And if wet muddy cold feet worry you I wonder if your kid has any fun at all.

I missed your post about putting dd in pushchair...so your dd refuses to wear shoes, i would take that as her saying she doesn't want to walk....so you then put her in a pushchair! You need to review your "discipline" policy op..

Your CM taught her natural consequences about why she needs to wear shoes at a level appropriate for her age . Strapping in a buggy does not teach her that

Children need to learn discipline, it isn't a punishment.
Your child learned to do as they are told and actions have consequences.
Sounds like a good child minder.

Absolutely fine. It’s showing the consequence of not putting your shoes on and the child themselves then decides they WANT to as they have now processed that this is the best option.

The restraining in the pushchair is odd. It doesn’t teach consequences, just a battle of wills on how long they can hold out without understanding why they should choose to do this. I’d be really unhappy if a childminder used this approach as it doesn’t provide any natural teaching whatsoever.

@HowsYourHeadHun

Some of these replies 😂.

YANBU OP, she shouldn't have done it and you have every right to complain.

A nursery wouldn't do this. In fact I wouldn't do it to my own child.

There's always one! Let me guess you angelic little darling are so well behaved that you wouldn't need to teach them consequences?

@HowsYourHeadHun
Nurseries do use this technique

Its not really that odd, Im a fully grown adult and often walk bare footed, it is after all natural (as opposed to shoes which arent) and I would argue wet shoes/socks are far worse than wet feet.

no one ever died from walking over wet grass bare footed and for many children it wouldnt bother them (my boys would love to splash in puddles/mud either wellied or barefooted).

Fwiw it's not something I would want someone else doing with my little one. You are paying her, so she needs to check if it's a parenting method you want used.

Totally different scenario if it's you deciding on consequences for your own kiddie.

Of course not but Christ, letting a toddler out the car in the mud as form of punishment for taking their shoes off, really harsh and I wouldn't be happy with that either.

There could have been glass on the ground or similar sharp objects mixed in the mud and the outcome could have been far worse than wet muddy feet.

@soditall56 As if an experienced and qualified childminder is ever going to let a barefoot child hop out the car onto glass.

I’m amazed some people on this thread use any kind of childcare going by some of the replies. Childcare professionals really do get no respect from some.

Right, so she doesn't like the buggy, doesn't like socks and shoes, doesn't like getting dirty/muddy... Anything else? Assuming your DD is neurotypical OP, I think you need to accept that she's not always going to like what she needs to do. Like the childminder, I'd suggest you give a sensible choice and crack on unless you're up for a lot of pandering to odd whims which get odder and odder as she seeks out more boundaries to push. Obviously we don't have a full picture but the snapshot you've given looks a lot like this, imo.

@nanbread

As long as the CM was calm and explained the process (“I’m going to take you out of the car now. Would you like to put your socks & shoes on so your feet don’t get wet and muddy?” Child refuses, CM takes out the car) rather than doing any of it in anger then it’s fine.

I do think if it was handled more in this way that would be ok, but the way OP described it sounded like maybe it wasn't handled that sensitively? OP will have a better handle on the childminder's manner than anyone else here.

OP I'm interested to hear that your DD behaves WORSE there than at home.

IME that's quite unusual unless the child is struggling with the setting in some way.

Most children save their unwanted behaviour up for when they're at home.

Yes they usually save up their worst behaviour for home. The other thing that happens is CM/teacher reports that DC has had a number of tantrums or bitten/hit another child etc and parent says “that never happens at home” because they ignore it at home or make excuses for it thinking that it must be age appropriate. When they hear it in black and white from a professional they don’t accept it is an issue.

@Laundrydragon

Fwiw it's not something I would want someone else doing with my little one. You are paying her, so she needs to check if it's a parenting method you want used.

Totally different scenario if it's you deciding on consequences for your own kiddie.

Actually parents need to check they’re happy with a settings ways. Not the other way round

If you want childcare that you get to dictate all the methods used then you need to pay for a nanny.

Not expect busy childcare providers with multiple children to tailor their ways specifically to your child.

OP - my reaction to this depends on where CM let your DD stand /walk with bare feet. Safe grassy garden? No problem. On a pavement outside the house - no - potential for glass and dog poo to be present if our street anything to go by. At the end of the day if you didn't like it, tell the CM not to do it in future. FWIW I wasn't always happy with how nursery dealt with things and had to have chats occasionally ....

Unless there had been snow on the ground, I'd have just laughed.

@mam0918. I agree with you. My DC is usually barefoot in the garden as well unless it's very cold. He loves squidging the mud and dirt between his toes. I accept not all children like this, but I struggle to see being made to stand temporarily barefoot on the muddy ground as some sort of awful punishment.

Id do that, even on a really cold wet day. With my own children, or any child I was looking after. If their mum was going to be precious about stuff like this i would not look after them. Too much hassle, pandering to the child or the parent.
Next time they are asked to not take their shoes off, see what happens.

@ranging

Maybe I am being precious/overreacting. That was the whole point to my post.

To me, it seemed punishing and the thought of my daughter being uncomfortable or cold isn't a pleasant one. In life, the consequence of not wanting to wear socks or shoes is not a person much bigger than you forcing you onto the wet, cold, dirty ground.

I would have put DD in the buggy (which she often goes in).

I love our CM and think shes brilliant, I just wanted to make sure I was reacting in the correct way before saying anything.

I am not wishy-washy with DD at all, her current behaviour has me at a loss because her poor behaviour always comes with consequence.

So you'd prefer the consequence of not wearing shoes to be a big person forcing and strapping you in to a seat (which you hate) so you couldn't go and play, then the actual, real life consequence of not wearing shoes - getting muddy feet?

That's makes no sense..