To stop my dd from seeing her bf

[lanatolater]

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

OP for you. I have a headstrong DD but she's a preschooler right now so I can't say I'm looking forward to her being a teen.

I think you've gotten a lot of unnecessary shit for allowing your DD have sex, where you felt she was safest, in her own home. I think most of the people on here forget just what they were like as teens!

I think you've also done the right thing. The issue here as you already know isn't that you've allowed her to have sex with her BF, it's that sadly he's turned into an arsehole and she's (And you) didn't feel able to stand up to him.

My mother had the opposite approach. She wouldn't allow me BFs over, and rather than keep me safe, her priority was 'out of sight out of mind' so she didn't have to worry. But you can only imagine the danger I regularly put myself in, and as a result of her kicking me out I ended up shacking up with said BF who was an abusive arsehole.

It's going to be a rough few weeks, but you've done the right thing. You've taken steps and kept her safe. I do think you need to consider changing the locks though...

I’m aghast that you thought allowing him to sleep with her in your home was a good idea!!
The parents saying better under your roof are referring to teens above the age of consent.
That’s where you lost your power by starting this shite.
I have 4DC; 3 DD from 15-26 and not one has never had a bf overnight, your DD is underage and by the sounds of far too immature and yet there’s her bf having sex with her in the next room.
You have massively failed her here and you need to change things.

Expect pushback, OP- you've changed the status quo and she doesn't like it. Keep calm, keep channels of communication open, apologise- tell her you appreciate that it's not fair to take away freedoms she is used to, you realise this and you realise you never should have given her that freedom in the first place. That you did is on you, you're sorry but you're still learning how to be a parent (you never stop) and you made a mistake which you're now correcting.

That is to say, don't apologise for stopping him sleeping over, apologise for ever having let him do it in the first place. Stay firm in the new boundary that romantic partners must now be gone by 10 p.m. I'd stick with this one boundary for now and make further changes slowly from here.

And in response to accusations that you don't like him, just say that you don't like the way you've seen him treat her and you don't like the way she feels responsible for his behaviour.

I'm letting her calm down for now. There's absolutely no talking to her. I'm getting a barrage of horrible texts - she says she was always so happy to have a mum she could talk to when she lost her virginity because most of her friends can't talk to their mum about it and when things have gone wrong they've had no where to turn. She says now she can't trust me and has no one.

But I keep checking on her and no self harm as far as I can se and that's the main thing. She's angry I've removed everything so she can't even have the release of hurting herself now

If anything her reaction has. Emended even more in my mind that she does need firm boundaries. It's like a toddler

Cemented

@lanatolater

If anything her reaction has. Emended even more in my mind that she does need firm boundaries. It's like a toddler

Basically, yeah. She's got, 'big feelings,' as my toddler calls them. Ultimately though, boundaries, fairly and consistently enforced, do make kids feel safer. I think she'll get over it.

You have fully done the right thing, it is hard but hang on in there.

I work with exploited and groomed teens, teens involved in gangs and county lines and so on. It is very common for another teen who was in the process of grooming them to "dump them" when an adult starts to pay attention to what is going on. Because teens with adults who keep an eye on them aren't as easy targets.

It is awful now, bit you are keeping her safe from an inappropriate relationship.

@toocold54

I don't disagree with much of what you're saying, but I've seen so many girls similar to OPs DDs properly run away and do all sorts in situations like this that I would be wary of coming down too hard and it having the opposite to the desired effect.

I also have a 16yo daughter of my own who is mercifully untroublesome but has a less than stellar relationship with her dad and there is no way on God's green earth I'd force her to stay with him...she'd never forgive me, probably rightly so.

I'd get a hold of the wee shit and put the fear of death into him.

You need to remove her phone and devices. If exbf is texting her he will be manipulating her against you, bully and control her and likely others will join in. You need to create a safe space from all this peer pressure at home. What is school doing to support her and you? Is there a student counsellor , safeguarding lead or inclusion officer you are in contact with? Has she ever been assessed for additional needs?

LIZS alongside all this I've been looking in to Aspergers as I think there's a real possibility it could have been missed and could account for a lot of her anxiety.

I'm in close contact with school (inclusion, counsellor) etc. But the waiting lists for any meaningful help are absolutely ridiculous

Sorry, autism

Christ OP what a distressing situation, but I agree with everyone, you had you had to do this and it was for the better good. 🌸

I have no advice but im dreading situations like this x

Gosh Lana, I really do feel for you. I have read your posts but not all the relies.

I can relate somewhat, but my dd is 18 and also in an abusive relationship. It has to be the hardest thing I have been through and there has been some shit along the way.

She too doesn't want to know about breaking up with him, he phsycially hurt her, but said all the right thing so she believes he won't do it again. I only found out about it after it happened for a 3rd time.

She too suffers with depression a a anxiety so we were lucky enough to already have a mental health team in place, and I have to say it's been helpful. They too won't tell her what to do, but they are working on helping her with boundries so she can see for herself what is happening. I also could not make her break it off with him as she would just go behind my back. I feel so awful sitting and waiting for him to break it off, but that's not happening either. So here I sit on the sidelines preparing to pick up pieces and this cannot carry on. I have put limits in place which he isn't keen on. Like visitation to our house only, and only when I am home. Not allowed to go into her bedroom etc etc. Some will say it's ridiculous and that she is 18 and old enough, but I don't think those people have been in this type of situation. If he hurts her again, how will I have protected her if I allow him free reign. Also I have banned her from going to his house, I am ashamed to say I used threats of laying charges and calling police if she goes there. But I had to let her know I was serious to help her. She did tell me what was happening and I have taken it as a cry for help. So no, I'm not all that popular, but I don't care. I know she's home doing her work and she is safe. I don't believe she is safe with him.

Watching from the sides and being the bad guy is heartbreaking OP. But being open, laying down boundries and acting on them if they are broken, and letting her know you are there is what id advise. Also yes pushing that she get to see someone from mh team should be helpful. But it's not going to be an overnight thing. I've been watching from the side for a month now, she's seen psych 4 times (once a week) since and she's still not got the headspace to see what he's doing.

Although it seems like she really doesn't like me a lot of time, I know it's the rules she's fighting. I know she does really love me, and I tell her I love her all the time.

Do you have an older male in the family who she may open up to. One maybe in her age group, or a bit older. My dd spoke to my nephew (age 19) and told him stuff none of us knew, and I do know he got through to her that this stuff just isn't OK, much more than any of us older females did.

Just a thought as like you, have tried to think of anything to help.

💐

Thank you I'm so sorry to read your post. In some ways it must be harder as she's older and therefore any rules will be even less welcome.

We've all done pretty badly on the male role model front in our family unfortunately. They're all either absent, or total dicks.

I'm praying this doesn't turn physical but also in some ways I sometimes have the thought that if he hit her it would be harder for her to defend him. Although I know that's not how it works. Part of me wanting to keep her "onside" is knowing she'll tell me if that did happen. Being the bad guy is the right thing to do but I don't want to lose the openness and trust we have

I’ve not RTFT yet but my god, it’s like A Taste of Honey meets Lord of the Flies. 😳

Minus the alcoholic mum, pregnancy, gay bf...

“what should she be doing? Hanging out with me 24/7?”

Yes, on weekdays, it f she won’t go to school. That would seem normal to me at her age.

Otherwise it would be go to school, come home, have a snack, maybe watch a programme, do homework, chat to you and have something to eat, go to bed. Weekends would be doing things with friends.

If she won’t go to school could she do an on-line home school programme?

Shouldn’t she start thinking of what she might be interested in in the future? You could build up information about it together.

Is she interested in animals? Anything outside the bf or friends’ dramas?

She's usually in on weekdays. All her friends are at school. Now the evenings are longer she'll go to the park but after being indoors with me all day I think she needs that.

Online schools are very expensive unfortunately. I'm looking in to if we can get funding for one but at the moment they want to keep her in mainstream school or a PRU rather than give up and take it all online

She doesn't have any other interests. Before l lockdown she was in a football club but it's tied to the school so now she's having these anxieties she's refusing to go.

I try and get her to read but she won't, she loves animals and I do some dog waking so she'll come with me on those buy it's no where near enough to keep her occupied unfortunately. I wish she had interests

@lanatolater

Minus the alcoholic mum, pregnancy, gay bf...

It wasn’t a slight on you, the mother in ToH was a wreck. Just elements of this situation put me in mind of both. The young obsessive relationships, pregnancy risks, and the way the kids seem to be ruling the roost in your area. It’s all rather sad.

@MintyCedric yes you are right.

It just seems that at the moment she has no boundaries/punishment for if she does something wrong but if OP tries to punish her then it makes it worse and she becomes the enemy.