To stop my dd from seeing her bf

[lanatolater]

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

@Voomster953 it's very sad 😞

Being the bad guy is the right thing to do but I don't want to lose the openness and trust we have

There is a big difference between being the bad guy and having rules. Most teens tho i their parents rules are unfair even if they’re really lax. And if her bf is abusive and her friends are coercive then she might actually thank you in the future.

I know it’s easier said than done but I’d try and encourage her to go to the after school clubs if possible. Which would keep her away from her bf and any wrong friends a bit more and hopefully would lead to her going back to school properly.

@toocold54 that's exactly what it's like. I've never seemed to get the hang of a middle ground. I mean, she's had the curfews... which are more strict than many of her friends. She hated having to be home before dark in the winter. without a car to be able to collect her it restricted what she did a lot. But in regards to the boyfriend staying and who she hangs out with, I felt powerless to dictate out of a fear of pushing her away.

I think we all bring a bit of our own upbringing to these situations. My parents were incredibly strict and as a result I had no friends growing up because I couldn't join in with what they were doing. Then as soon as I was old enough I figured out a way to lie to them and put myself in all sorts of dangerous situations, never feeling I could tell them when the shit hit the fan. I never wanted dd to feel like that

@toocold54 I wonder if she'd be allowed to do after school clubs if she's not attending school. That's one for me to look in to, thank you

I was thinking today that one day she and I will look back at these rows and she'll thank me and apologise for making it so hard. But it all seems like such a long way in the future

I wonder if she'd be allowed to do after school clubs if she's not attending school.

It’s definitely worth an ask. I know some do part time timetables as some school is better than no school so it might improve her confidence so she can go in for a couple of lessons a week.

It is obvious you are trying your best and you are doing what you think is best for her so she will definitely thank you and feel bad about her actions in the future.

Could you do more dog walking and take her with you? Just the walking and being with the dog and nature could help her so much.

I know that being with horses can have a wonderful effect and there are some charities for helping troubled teens through being with horses. I just tried to look some up and don’t know how to copy a link onto here, but saw one you could look up to get the idea: “Ride High” in Milton Keynes.

While school is waiting isn’t she getting a long way behind? If home-school courses are expensive could you get some of those key-stage work books to go through with her from the library?

Do you know any elderly person who could do with a visit and you and she could do that together? Then she could maybe bake cakes etc for that person.

Do you ever go to church? Or have your own beautiful, quiet ‘spiritual’ place you could both go to.

Anything to not be in a vacuum as it can make anxiety so much worse.

Does her Dad visit her? Could he pay her attention in a way that does not cause stress? Take her out for a meal next week when lock down is eased? Give her male attention and respect?

You have been so brave. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you both.💐🐎🐈‍⬛🐈

@toocold54 I will definitely ask

@ScrollingLeaves I'm advertising for more dog walking so fingers crossed for that as she does enjoy it. She's a terrible baker though! Will add the horse sanctuary idea to my list of things to investigate too! Oddly, although I've never been religious, such is my desperation at this stage I have considered a trip to the church!!

Her dad will only see her if she goes there and it fits in to his and his family's lifestyle. It's infuriating.

@lanatolater
I have read all your part of the thread but not all replies so maybe someone gave similar advice.
I have 3 teenagers but only 1 goes out due to covid19 restrictions
Dd1 is 17 has had a few bfs none of them a bad boy but a couple like the party life and dangerous areas this caused alot of arguing with me and her.
Since November she has a new bf and has completely changed for the better.
Hopefully it lasts when restrictions are lifted in my area over this month.
No point in giving you a lecture you already know you shouldn't have started letting him stay but you where doing it to make your dd happy.
Just keep talking to your dd even she doesn't want to listen she will eventually see you are looking out for her.
Tell her if she goes in for the main subject she will see her friends and eventually meet a nice boy.
Teenagers break up don't blame yourself it's not because of you change rules if he loved her as much as she loves him nothing would keep them apart.

I understand what it's like to have a teenager who has attempted suicide. Trying to get help for mine has been like getting blood from a stone.

Op if your child is too ill to attend school then the LA have a legal duty to make provision for a child too ill for school after 15 days. You should write to the LA and remind them of this requirement under Section 19 and the LGO report "Out of School Out of Mind"
My daughter has autism and anxiety and was out of school for a while as well. I don't like the term school refusal because that suggests won't attend rather than can't attend.
I can tell you that with what you suspect is autism and high anxiety that boundaries are crucial, it helps them make sense of the world and ensures they feel safe. You have done your daughter no favours here by being so lax.
You need to put structure and routine into her day, out of school provision will help this dd had a tutor visit three times a week. You also need to be much more involved in her socialising, she is vulnerable and people will take advantage. Have her friends over. be visible whilst they are there have rules and curfews for what they can do and when they must leave.
It's not going to be easy because you have allowed her too many freedoms and now need to be a parent and put her best interests first before your desire to be her friend and have an easy life.

To be honest, I can't see how this can be completely blamed on her bf. He may be all the things you're saying he is, however he too is only 14. You do need to be stricter, regardless of whether her friends parents are. I'm surprised that social services aren't willing to be involved, maybe you ought to try and speak to them again.

It sounds to me like you're very lax in boundaries across the board tbh. I'm not the Covid police, but there's just so much talk in your posts about weekends away with friends and going round to a friend's house this afternoon, and your daughter going over her friends houses and for sleepovers, let alone your daughter's boyfriend being over and having sleepovers. No wonder she doesn't respect your rules when you are showing her yourself that you ignore the rules to socialise.

I appreciate she's having a really hard time, and I'm not saying that all socialising should be out, but your whole approach seems to be about being her mate and not her mum.

And no, most 13 year olds aren't bonking in bushes, or allowed their boyfriends to stay. Most 13 and 14 (and even 15 year olds) aren't having sex.

@elliejjtiny I'm sorry to read that. I've been shocked and disgusted but the la k of support

@hiredandsqueak problem is, she does go in every now and then so the clock resets. Makes me tempted to not encourage her too hard to go in at all.

@angieloumc I don't actually blame him. He's had a horrible upbringing and is a child. But fact is - he is an abusive prick. Whether that's his fault or not.
I'm not sure what social services remit would be here. They work with vulnerable children to ensure they are safeguarded and get the support they need. Because I'm in constant contact with the school and CAMHs, and dd isn't being abused or neglected at home, there's nothing further they can offer. I may not be perfect and I've made mistakes but ss arent interested in less than perfect patents. Letting her have her boyfriend stay over doesn't meet the threshold for intervention.

@lanatolater, no you aren't paying heed to the law the fifteen days are cumulative the clock doesn't reset. You need to contact IPSEA or SOSSEN and get clued up because until you do the LA (you can include social care here as well) are going to walk all over you as well like your daughter and her BF.

I think you might find a 14 year old having sex with her 14 year old boyfriend would meet the threshold for intervention. Your daughter IS vulnerable whether you like that or not. The fact you say you're different to other parents by not been concerned she's having sex is quite bewildering to me.

@Pinkyavocado

My daughter has just turned 15. There’s no way on gods earth I’d let her boyfriend sleep at our house or her sleep there. I’m her parents and it’s my job to protect her and parent her, not be her friend.

Exactly this.

I've read all OP's posts. What is your fear around being strict with your DD?

It is not unreasonable to put clef boundaries in place to keep your DD safe.

My DD is 14. She is only allowed out with people I know, for short periods. No sleepovers (that's also due to Covid restrictions - we're in Ireland).

What do mean she'll just walk out of the house if you say no to her?

Allowing a fourteen year old to have a sexual relationship with an abusive boyfriend and not recognising where you have gone so terribly wrong is well within the boundary for intervention. Just because they can get away with not intervening doesn't mean that they shouldn't put in place support. It really is a case of who shouts loudest gets the help. You are much too passive, stop asking and start demanding and get your daughter the support she needs.

@lanatolater

The door is a twist lock so you can't lock it. It would be easy to get out when I'm in bed. Also, the mental health thing means she has to socialise. Being locked in the house is not something that would help her and I'm not even sure it's legal?!

Oh for God's sake! Her MH will be far more profoundly affected by being in a massively unsuitable relationship at 14.

My DD is the same age, and very nearly the same height. I'm 5"3.

Not even the remotest chance she's leave without my permission. If she did, I'd be out after her.

I am so sad to see how few boundaries you have in place for your DD

@hiredandsqueak really? I was told by the school that it's 15 days in a row!

@angieloumc well they know and they said there's no case for them. They said what they would do if I wasn't getting any support is to refer to camhs for counselling but I'd already done that. I'm not sure what else they could do?

she tried to take her own life just a month ago

Sorry OP. I thought I'd read all your posts before I posted but I missed this.

That's awful; I'm so sorry.

But 100% reaffirms my belief that clear boundaries are needed, and I simply would not let this relationship continue.

But you're not getting any support and more importantly neither is your daughter.
Where is this place where 14 year olds as you do eloquently put it are 'bonking in bushes', staying out as and when they want, fighting, having their bf sleep over, are unable to go to school and yet social services just do nothing about it?

But in regards to the boyfriend staying and who she hangs out with, I felt powerless to dictate out of a fear of pushing her away.

This is desperately sad. I wish you had had the confidence in your own parenting not to allow such dangerous behaviour.

I understand about your parents being strict. Mine were too.

But I'm strict with my DD, but different to my parents, I'm very clear why. I have no problem articulating what concerns me & why there are boundaries in place.

A 14 yo is a child. I am really shocked you are ok with her having sex. She is so vulnerable, and so young.