To stop my dd from seeing her bf

[lanatolater]

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

@Hellodarknessmyoldpal it's unbelievable isn't it. I thought the overdose would have her right at the top of the list. although I wouldn't have wished for it of course, I did have a moment where I thought thank god someone will help us now - but no

@angieloumc they're not all bad. A lot of them are troubled but if she goes out with one friend and they meet up with others whilst out, I don't necessarily know until something goes wrong and I want her to feel she can always contact me without judgement if she finds herself in a bad situation

The social dynamics of her friendship circle sounds toxic. Maybe focus on her helping her distance from that rather than just bf. No more sleepovers with any of them.

I've been asking him to leave all morning. I finally shouted and told him to get out. He left. She pushed me and shouted at me. Saying now he's going yo break up with her and she'll kill herself and it will all be my fault. I locked the door buy it's easily opened.

She put shoes on etc to go out. I stood in front of the door but she shoved me out of the way and left.

Last week she told me I was the only person who understood her and had her back and now she doesn't even have that.

Well done on telling him to leave. She doesn’t realise that his behaviour is toxic but will in time.

Really feel for you OP. This is a good book if you can stretch to it:
How to Talk so Teens will Listen & Listen so Teens will Talk

I would bet money that this nasty boy is making your DD do sexual things that she doesn't enjoy or finds painful/scary. I hope you can protect her. Sometimes teenagers need us to set the boundaries, particularly when they are under pressure from others. You being the bad guy makes it easier for them to say no.

Not sure where in the country you live but Barnardos can often help in cases with teenagers who need support with emotional health and relationships. Google the number of your local office and give them a ring.

She knows that you care about her; she just doesn’t believe he is doing anything wrong at this point.

I think its so complicated at this age. I also have a teenager that I can totally imagine being this way if I try to lay down the law too hard. I also have 2 others who it would be totally different with, so those who just say "shes a child" or "i wouldnt allow it", doesnt really mean much.
Some teenagers you have to be really creative about teaching things, and causing confrontation just escalates things and makes the situation worse. It feels like a lose/lose situation.

At the moment, id be concerned that if HE is trying to control her already, and then you come down too hard with the control from the other side, then your daughter has nowhere she feels at ease. I think you need to concentrate on letting her talk to you and you giving her advice on what is normal in relationships and what is abusive. I (think) id try balancing being supportive and empowering her, yet vocal when he was taking the piss and being abusive.

I think id also consider if I knew any scary looking men that could offer any advice or support or to be aware of the situation

@lanatolater

I've been asking him to leave all morning. I finally shouted and told him to get out. He left. She pushed me and shouted at me. Saying now he's going yo break up with her and she'll kill herself and it will all be my fault. I locked the door buy it's easily opened.

She put shoes on etc to go out. I stood in front of the door but she shoved me out of the way and left.

Call the police- she's a missing child who is a suicide risk and is currently in an abusive relationship. At 14 if they find her they'll bring her back home.

@Puntastic that's exactly what I'm about to do

Yes...ideal solution, send a kid who is already suffering from anxiety into a stressful situation as a punishment.

@MintyCedric
What do you think is going to happen if she continues hanging around with these “mates” and an abusive boyfriend?
She doesn’t go to school, OP can’t control her or what she does, so what’s the alternative?

She’s out too late for a 14 year old regardless of everything else.

[quote lanatolater]@Puntastic that's exactly what I'm about to do [/quote]
What did they say?

The important thing is to make it so she can talk to you. He will already be telling her that you dont understand her like he does. He will already be trying to alienate you. If you come down too hard, you may push her further into his arms.

I get fed up with people always seeming to suggest treating teenagers as if theyre children. It rarely works. She has to see herself that he is bad news and that she deserves better

Now I'm having a wobble thinking he'll dump her using my new rules as an excuse and she'll go in to a downward spiral again

It’s a worry as many abusers make grown women feel small and inadequate so I can only imagine the impact they’d have on a young vulnerable girl.
He may very likely dump her for her to rebel/give into what he wants even more. Like men do when they threaten to break up with women knowing they’ll do anything they want and stop contact with their own family.

It’s so hard, half of me thinks you need to be a lot stricter as she does have very lax rules but the other half of me thinks you should ‘treat her like an adult’ so she knows you’re not the enemy.

@toocold54

I don't know what the perfect solution is, but I know damn well that punishing a teenager by putting them I'm a stressful situation is utterly barbaric, and trying to lock them in the house will certainly not work.

@Puntastic I sent her a message saying I was calling the police. Then as I was on the phone to them being told it's not a missing child if she has just gone out, she walked back in.

Says she hates me, it's cruel to move the goalposts now after she's been allowed to do something. Hes told her he can't see her anymore because obviously I hate him amd of course she's blaming me. She's in her room and I'm pretty sure there's nothing in there she can harm herself with but she says I've fucked up the one thing that was keeping her from killing herself

So in a way it seems I have got my way re her not seeing him as he has broke up with her due to not being able to stay anymore.

I've explained to her that if he wanted to be with her they could make it work with trips out, dinner round here, films etc. Then he goes home at 10 but he says my actions are an indication that I hate him and therefore he wants nothing to do with her/us.

My fear now is he is planting all this in her head and it will just push her closer to him with me seen as the big baddy and I will have even less control. Or, that he will stick to the break up and she will spiral through the upset of it all

I've sent an email to camhs, school and another charity we were taking to updating them and begging them to hurry up with the counselling

Why on earth would you encourage a 14/15 having a sleepover its encouraging them to have sex. If your not careful she will end up pregnant. You seem very lax when it's coming to a 14 year old staying out late not going to school having her bf sleeping over. We're they sharing the bed aswell?

I'm not lax about her nor going to school, she has a serious anxiety issue which we're working with the school and camhs to overcome.

I'm not lax about her staying out late. She absconded from her friends house where she was sleeping over without my knowledge.

Yes I have been lax about the boy staying over, my belief was that I wanted her to be where I could keep her safe and under my roof as opposed to shagging god knows where. But I see now where I went wrong and have put a stop to the sleepovers. The sex doesn't bother me as it does some. Teenagers have sex. In many counties 14 is the age of consent. What has become clear is the sleepovers have led to this relationship being much more intense than it should be and I take full responsibility for that

I don't know what the perfect solution is, but I know damn well that punishing a teenager by putting them I'm a stressful situation is utterly barbaric, and trying to lock them in the house will certainly not work.

I would usually agree with you but it seems OP is in a lose-lose situation.

Most teens have stress/anxiety issues but I don’t think that should be an excuse to have a free pass and no consequences for her actions. If she’s not listening to her mum and running away when being told to stay in then there needs to be some form of punishment.

You got zero boundaries op and she's running circles around you. You ground her lock to door and take her devices off her. She's manipulating you to get her own way. You should not be encouraging a child of 14 to have sex especially one in an abusive relationship. 😒