Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop my dd from seeing her bf

376 replies

lanatolater · 08/05/2021 21:51

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

OP posts:
Christmasfairy2020 · 09/05/2021 08:20

When he turns 16 if he is still having relations with her and she is under 16 he can be arrested. I can see you are doing all you can. I was allowed a bf to stop at this age. I also had said bf push me over a wall and treat me like shit. My mum was powerless. We split up when he cheated on me. He wrote me a letter telling me he was running away and would never see him again. I went to school sobbing my heart out. He was an abuser but I loved him so much. She will work it out herself

SamanthaVimes · 09/05/2021 08:31

You’ve had lots of other good advice that I won’t repeat but I have a bit of an off the wall idea.

I used to play a game with my friends where you’d read an advice column question and each give your own answers before reading the “official” answer and chat about if it was good advice. We used cheap magazines back in the day but there’s loads of online stuff you could look at.

Maybe start doing this with innocuous questions and build up to ones more similar to her situation? It might help her realise she wouldn’t tell a friend that this treatment is ok so why accept it herself?

Captain Awkward is really good for explaining boundaries, Dr Nerdlove and Dear Prudence on Slate get interesting questions too.

SamanthaVimes · 09/05/2021 08:32

Kathryn Ryan’s podcast has a bit where she answers letters from listeners as well and she does strong answers but in a funny style

AvantGardening · 09/05/2021 08:43

Can you get her into some evening classes/sports club/volunteer work/youth group like cadets? Sell it to her as bulking her CV so she can get a job and afford a flat with him at 18 if you have to. You want something that builds her confidence and self esteem and opens her eyes a bit. It’s social but structured.

MiloAndEddie · 09/05/2021 09:06

Where is she getting her money from to go to town or the cinema? I’d stop that until she can be trusted.

I’m agog at the boyfriend staying. Even the more lax of my friends parents didn’t let them stay in the same bed. Most of them wouldn’t let them in their bedroom with the door closed during the day!

Original poster
lanatolater · 09/05/2021 10:06

Thanks to everyone for the further replies.

I'm going to sit down with her today and explain that I'm holding my hands up to the fact that I've made mistakes in regards to boundaries. Why I did, and what's going to change from here on in.

I'll tell her I expect her to be cross because change is horrible and it feels like it's come from no where but that I love her and it has to happen.

With regards to not giving her money to go out, that's something that will be hard. As right now she needs her friends and needs that social time. I don't feel like a punishment is needed here as she hasn't been naughty as such. I think I need to pick my battles and focus on the bad boyfriend rather than take away any joy in her life. Remember she tried to take her own life just a month ago and is under CAMHs for school refusal and already missing a lot of what she should be enjoying as a teenager.

I've been through the thread and made a huge list of all the resources mentioned so tomorrow will be a big research day and I'll contact all and anyone who may be able to help.

We do actually have a very loving relationship. I tell her I love her a million times a minute and hug her, tell her all the good things about herself. We watch movies together and cook together. This is dwindling what with the amount of time she spends with her bf so I need to be firm and ring fence some time for us. Today we're going to a friend's house to hang out together.

The more I think about it the more I think this boy will get bored when he realises he won't be able to stay over and come and go as he pleases.

Just to reiterate again, I didn't allow the midnight walk home. She left another friend's home to come back here with her bf and the first I knew of it was her calling me crying saying he'd abandoned her. For that she now has the punishment of no sleepovers for 2 weeks. Meaning she'll suffer but without actually having total opportunity to socialise taken away.

OP posts:
Original poster
lanatolater · 09/05/2021 10:08

@Christmasfairy2020 she's actually slightly older than him so there's no opportunity for him being legally in the wrong here when he turns 16

OP posts:
Original poster
lanatolater · 09/05/2021 10:38

@Puntastic this one is used for behaviour problems but also specialises in anxiety, mental health and school refusal. So there would be other well behaved kids there with similar issues to her, not just naughty ones.

OP posts:
Puntastic · 09/05/2021 10:45

[quote lanatolater]@Puntastic this one is used for behaviour problems but also specialises in anxiety, mental health and school refusal. So there would be other well behaved kids there with similar issues to her, not just naughty ones. [/quote]
Behaviour means, 'the way in which an animal or person behaves in response to a particular situation or stimulus'

So, if one responds in an anxious manner to school, that is a behaviour. School refusal is a behaviour. Ergo, the PRU (even this one) is for pupils whose behaviour makes mainstream education unfeasible. Behaviour doesn't necessarily mean naughtiness.

Original poster
lanatolater · 09/05/2021 10:47

Yes I understand, I'm their breakdown of specialisms they separate "behaviour" from "health" though so I was just making the distinction

OP posts:
Original poster
lanatolater · 09/05/2021 11:22

Now I'm having a wobble thinking he'll dump her using my new rules as an excuse and she'll go in to a downward spiral again

OP posts:
Original poster
lanatolater · 09/05/2021 11:23

The thought of going through another overdose scenario kills me. All tablets are locked away as well as razors etc. But I know she could get creative

OP posts:
Crazydoglady1980 · 09/05/2021 11:28

I know you’ve had lots of good advice already but I think you need to acknowledge where you are now, going back and banning things she has been able to do won’t work.
Make a list of all the risks to your daughter and make plans with her around keeping herself safe. This not only empowers her but shows her that you have her safety at heart. Examples could be making sure that her phone is always charged so she can call for help. Having a code word or something that says she needs help and then a plan on how that can be achieved (someone going to collect her, meeting at a set place, a no questions asked code etc)

Original poster
lanatolater · 09/05/2021 11:33

Problem is I don't have a car and there's no one else who can get her. We have little money so taxis aren't an option and usually have a 15 minute wait so if she calls (as she did when he left her at midnight) all I can do is stay on the phone and try to keep her calm - I can't keep her safe. Same as if she called me from his if there was ever a problem. I put my shoes on and set out to meet her but she was still a good 10/15 minutes on her own. This was a driver for me allowing him here - that at least she was physically safe

OP posts:
Original poster
lanatolater · 09/05/2021 11:36

She has a battery pack for if her phone dies and she has always called if there's been a problem. We have a code that if she ever texts me with a "X" on its own then she's in trouble. She did invoke that in the past when there have been fallouts with friends and once when there was a fight break out near where she was. I suppose the issue is that she doesn't see a problem with their relationship - in her eyes there's nothing to be rescued from most of the time.

OP posts:
Budapestdreams · 09/05/2021 12:12

I don't know what I would do either OP, but you love her and you care about her which counts for a lot. I hope it works out ok eventually 💐

toocold54 · 09/05/2021 12:18

I was wondering if it’s possible if she lives with her dad for a bit?
The bf might be more scared that she’s going home upset if she’s at his rather than yours.

angieloumc · 09/05/2021 12:37

@lanatolater

She has a battery pack for if her phone dies and she has always called if there's been a problem. We have a code that if she ever texts me with a "X" on its own then she's in trouble. She did invoke that in the past when there have been fallouts with friends and once when there was a fight break out near where she was. I suppose the issue is that she doesn't see a problem with their relationship - in her eyes there's nothing to be rescued from most of the time.
She's 14 years old! Why on earth are there these situations where she's needing to text you an 'x'? Once I can get but it seems like there's been more than that. The bf aside I really think you need to put in place some rules and stick to them. It seems like you want to be her friend rather than her parent. This 'she has to socialise', I don't get it. You seem to be allowing her to do whatever she likes, when she likes and with whoever. It doesn't appear like the issues are just to do with her bf either, it's the friends she has too. I have a 16 yo DD so I know it's hard work, but I'm really surprised as this place where you live where there's all this drama and bad behaviour from all her peers.
Original poster
lanatolater · 09/05/2021 12:42

@toocold54 she won't go to her dad's. She rarely sees him and finds going to his house incredibly stressful. I wish upon wish this was an option

OP posts:
Original poster
lanatolater · 09/05/2021 12:45

Yes, it's a very troubled group with lots of drama. Not at all what I want for my dd.

I'm not sure I understand the shock at the concept of kids having to socialise though... what should she be doing? Hanging out with me 24/7?

OP posts:
angieloumc · 09/05/2021 12:55

@lanatolater

Yes, it's a very troubled group with lots of drama. Not at all what I want for my dd.

I'm not sure I understand the shock at the concept of kids having to socialise though... what should she be doing? Hanging out with me 24/7?

No I'm not saying she should be hanging out with you all the time. However, allowing her out whenever and wherever she wants clearly isn't working out is it?
toocold54 · 09/05/2021 13:03

she won't go to her dad's. She rarely sees him and finds going to his house incredibly stressful. I wish upon wish this was an option

But if she’s acting up surely the best thing would be for her to go there then if she finds it stressful as that is her punishment?

I agree she needs to socialise but not with these people. But if she is the type to run away or leave the house anyway then that’s really difficult to do by staying at your home.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/05/2021 13:05

In regards to CAMHS, usually if there is a threat to life you would be prioritised for counselling. Are they aware of the attempted overdose? A six month wait for intervention seems unusual when you're at crisis point.

MintyCedric · 09/05/2021 13:08

surely the best thing would be for her to go there then if she finds it stressful as that is her punishment?

Yes...ideal solution, send a kid who is already suffering from anxiety into a stressful situation as a punishment.

Wtaf?!

Original poster
lanatolater · 09/05/2021 13:10

@toocold54 I can see that argument in some situations but she's a suicide risk so putting her knowingly in to a stressful situation isn't something I'm comfortable doing.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread