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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think all men want is to be looked after?

108 replies

ssd · 08/05/2021 20:04

I don't know how its taken me so long to realise this. I now think all men want is for us to look after them. I think I've been in denial, but finally admitted that tonight.
Dh looks after himself first. He's great round the house and does plenty. But he looks out for himself first, i notice this in lots of ways. I look out for the family first, it seems to be my default status. His is me first. I think most men will be like this, deep down. Thats why mn is full of posts from mums sick of doing the majority of household stuff.
I also realised tonight, if i died tomorrow, dh would be married within a year. It sounds strange to say that, but i know he likes to be looked after.

OP posts:

Titsywoo · 08/05/2021 20:10

Yeah I think it is probably very true. Sometimes I wish someone would look after me more. I was watching a Tik Tok video last night and someone was saying how noone does the washing for women etc etc. I'm sure there are some men out there who are much more 50/50 but I'm guessing it is a minority. My son needs pushing to look after himself where as DD took responsibility for herself much earlier on. I'm sure loads of people will descend to call us sexist but just saying what I see!

Thingsdogetbetter · 08/05/2021 20:13

By equating your dh's behaviour to all men, you are making excuses for him, and thus your acceptance of this dynamic. I could just as well say all men are great cake bakers, or all men love Hawkwind, because my dh does.

Yes, there are a lot of men like this on mn posts - but compared to the population as a whole that is actually sod all men.

You are in denial, but it's that your dh specifically puts himself first. It's not all men, or even most men - it's your man. Pretending it's all men means you don't have to face it or deal with it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/05/2021 20:15

Nope. I noticed today my DH looking out for DD (and the dog) before himself.

And I'm a rabid, man-hating feminist according to many.

DrSbaitso · 08/05/2021 20:16

I don't know about "looked after", but I've noticed that generally, men can't be alone. Sex is only part of it. They cannot be alone.

Mumoblue · 08/05/2021 20:17

I think a fair portion of men are like this. My ex certainly was. I even joked that he was “holding auditions for his new mummy” when I heard he’s looking to move on (Godspeed to those women).

I wonder if it’s something to do with not having lived alone. This is just my personal experience but my ex went straight from living with his mum to living with me. There was always someone picking up after him. Which I did for far too long!

Of course not all men are like this, but I think there’s certainly a trend of men making women the household manager even if you both work.

BowserJr · 08/05/2021 20:17

I do think men in generally put themselves first. Even my DH who by MN standards is amazing, does 50% childcare and housework. I don't think he's is selfish, just not as selfless as I am.

It's something we've talked about in our relationship. I've also thought about it a lot in recent years. I do think personally for me, I was brought up/conditioned that having a man like me was the ultimate prize. I do think I was far too easy going when I was younger in our early relationship and was just happy to have someone who liked me, I just went along with a lot of things I definitely wouldn't do now. Even on MN, there are women waiting for men to propose to them because they are scared to ask for it themselves outright.

So perhaps men are selfish. But we are still bringing women to put up with it. Unfortunately.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/05/2021 20:19

I think I put family first. I'm not really sure it's the best thing though I'm always knackered. I think my husband puts himself and the family equally first. So he will get up with the kids and always take them to an activity etc but he will somehow always find time to do something just for him, like watching sport on TV or doing a hobby for a couple of hours. Not excessively but just for a couple of hours at the weekend. I think its healthy to make sure you take that time for yourself and I wish I did it more. He will say 'I want to do x at y time if that's ok' but I never set that time aside for me unless someone offers.

1Morewineplease · 08/05/2021 20:20

I don't recognise this. My husband thinks about all of us , as do I.
We work as a team .

Pan2 · 08/05/2021 20:20

Gross over-simplification.

Echobelly · 08/05/2021 20:24

Yeah, I think women are conditioned so much more to think of others ahead of themselves whereas men are taught to put themselves first. DH is not a particularly bad or selfish person, but I do notice he will sometimes take over the household's space/time without asking or considering how this will impact on everyone else - like things I would have thought 'That will get in people's way' or 'That will make it difficult for DH to do what he was planning' or whatever.

Sometimeswinning · 08/05/2021 20:26

In my case I like to be in control and dh happily let's me do it. That's "team" work! According to people in and out of my social circle we all have the same stories.

DolphinFC · 08/05/2021 20:27

I'm new to Mumsnet.

Is this level of simplistic, over-generalisation typical?

NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC · 08/05/2021 20:27

I think it's a vicious cycle. Women enable it, thus having to step up more and making men more pathetic.

My husband isn't like that at all, but he was raised by a stay at home dad and breadwinner mother and is a kind and intelligent person, not a Neanderthal.

willstarttomorrow · 08/05/2021 20:27

Not all, but there is a certain type. It is such a stereotype but I work with families and there is a 'mums and their son's' dynamic within certain families. Not all but far too many. I have come across a significant number of men who want to remain children, to the extent that their mothers have taken on kinship carer roles because 'they just could not cope' with bringing up their own children if for some reason they cannot be in the mother's care. However there are loads of men out there who are are part of the 21st century OP so maybe broaden yoir friendship group?

emilyfrost · 08/05/2021 20:29

@Thingsdogetbetter

Yes, there are a lot of men like this on mn posts - but compared to the population as a whole that is actually sod all men.

You are in denial, but it's that your dh specifically puts himself first. It's not all men, or even most men - it's your man. Pretending it's all men means you don't have to face it or deal with it.

Absolutely this. You should expect better for yourself, OP.

My DH’s motto is most certainly his family first and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

emilyfrost · 08/05/2021 20:30

@DolphinFC

I'm new to Mumsnet.

Is this level of simplistic, over-generalisation typical?

Yes. There’s lots of “all men this” and “all men that” from posters with low standards.

PermanentTemporary · 08/05/2021 20:33

Im quite selfish. The man I'm seeing likes looking after people, including me. Tbh I think every partner I've had has been quite self sacrificing.

If you don't like your relationship, talk about changing things.

Shoxfordian · 08/05/2021 20:33

My husband isn’t like this but it seems really familiar from all the mumsnet posts about shit men

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/05/2021 20:35

Thats why mn is full of posts from mums sick of doing the majority of household stuff.

It's full of it because we don't come in starting threads about how our DHs do their fair share, because why yeah.
It's like assuming that most people have anxiety based on posts on MN.

Yogatomorrow · 08/05/2021 20:38

Speaking from my experience with dh, i agree with the op. He actually does the majority of household and childcare chores (because of our work schedules). But I am the decision-maker, organiser and in charge of the finances. We have had arguments about how much responsibility i have (i often feel like the family secretary) and how fucked he'd and dd would be if I died.

And I have no doubt he'd find someone else soon. He needs someone to run his life. If we split or he died, i couldn't see myself wanting to bother with a new partner - and certainly not just to wash my dishes!

MadMadMadamMim · 08/05/2021 20:38

I think that's a fairly sad generalisation. It's a bit like saying all women just want to find a man and have children. It's simply not true.

My DH always puts his own needs last. He's a simple soul who doesn't need or want much in life. He would give his last penny to anyone who needed it and would help anyone out. He has always put my wishes and the children's needs above anything he might prefer.

He's got plenty of bad points. He's certainly not a saint.

But I would never describe him as someone who looks out for No 1.

saleorbouy · 08/05/2021 20:38

I don't think your analogy is true. Your man is like this because you allow it in your relationship, so he thinks this behaviour is acceptable.
I would not behave as you describe and your generalisation of "all men" is wrong. There are many people who are selfish both male and female.

shouldistop · 08/05/2021 20:40

My dh doesn't always put himself first. He always makes ds1 and I breakfast before he makes his own for instance.

BiBabbles · 08/05/2021 20:40

Some men, sure.
All men - nope - I've known some who are the opposite, hate being taken care of and prefer to be the one caring for others.
Most are probably a mix of the two, with their lean depending on the area.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 08/05/2021 20:43

Both my ex and my brother HATE it when women try and take care of them. They make comments like “ewwwwwww, you’re my girlfriend not my mother ffs”.

Neither are particularly caring towards other people either. They just hate any “fussing”.

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