To think all men want is to be looked after?

[ssd]

I don't know how its taken me so long to realise this. I now think all men want is for us to look after them. I think I've been in denial, but finally admitted that tonight.
Dh looks after himself first. He's great round the house and does plenty. But he looks out for himself first, i notice this in lots of ways. I look out for the family first, it seems to be my default status. His is me first. I think most men will be like this, deep down. Thats why mn is full of posts from mums sick of doing the majority of household stuff.
I also realised tonight, if i died tomorrow, dh would be married within a year. It sounds strange to say that, but i know he likes to be looked after.

Funnily enough, my DH likes looking after me - bringing me cups of tea/glasses of wine, making sure my car has correct tyre pressure/screen wash etc, making sure the house is maintained, just general care. I like being looked after by him, so it works well. Conversely, I look after the (now adult) children with little bits of care. It work s because DH looks after me and I look after the children, so we are both nurturers in different ways.

Happily, my DH has never conformed to Mumsnet stereotypes- he was the one that was keenest to have kids etc. Shock revelation - men are human beings too.

I understand your point and agree there’s a lot of this about. But I also think (myself included) a lot of women’s ‘putting the family first’ is really putting ourselves first in a different way. Women are socialised to do this and we often feel guilty as a result when we are not being everything to everyone. Like my DH will go to a room and lock the door when he is having a break from the kids. He knows how to put boundaries around his wishes and will suggest I do the same. But it’s not that easy for me. I feel like a bitch if the kids come looking for me and find a locked door, and I can’t tolerate those feelings. For myself. I have some sympathy for the kids of course in a way that he doesn’t in a situation like that (or they are just used to him not always being available to them in the way I am) but I think my reaction is primarily based on my motivations and desire to feel like a good mother. That all sounds a bit terrible written down but do you know what I mean? I think men’s self serving can look more selfish because their motivations are different to women. But as a sex class, I believe there is good evidence of men being self serving as a generalisation.

I think there are social influences that encourage men to prioritize their needs and women to prioritize other people's needs. But it is not as clear cut as saying all men are selfish.

My DH is thoughtful and considerate. Genuinely cares about other people and I would never want to live with anyone else.

But he would get up and have a shower whenever he felt he needed one and I would wait for the kid to be asleep before I had a shower, so as not to skip out on childcare time. I've come to realise that it's ok for me to have a shower whenever I want to, and that it isn't selfish. And of course DH had no idea that I was choosing to wait to shower because I felt irrationally guilty about leaving him to parent alone.

DH enjoys patenting, does the leg work,takes DD out to the park and stuff all the time but I still have this socialization that encourages me to be a martyr when I don't have to be.

It’s such a weird one @ssd

I know some people who’s relationships are the definition of what you have posted. I find it hard as I don’t have that. I can’t understand women who almost mother their partners.

Mine & Dh certainly isn’t, in Dh’s world me and the children always come first, I have to actively encourage him to take time out and do something without us/me. He’s the type of man to make sure the kids (kids are always first) never go without, he does more than his fair share of childcare, housework, he always makes sure we have everything we need first. He always checks before spending money (no idea why it’s joint money and I don’t ask him) he doesn’t conform to the mn standard.

However I do see a lot of this on here.

OP, I think you are right. Obviously not all men, but holds for everyone I know closely enough to state this. Even the most selfless ones still put themselves first. And not necessarily from the chores / housework perspective, that can be split fairly. But outside of "contractual" terms, for many of them it seems to be impossible to actively give up even a little bit of their space in order for someone else to benefit (possibly, with the only exception being that early infatuation stage).

I think a lot of them are inherently selfish and many also conditioned to be.

Would it make you feel better about your revelation to think other women are with men who are as selfish as yours is? Mine isn’t like that. I know loads of men who aren’t like that.

Happy content women married to decent men don’t tend to post about things going well. Partly because when it’s occasionally been attempted in the past they’ve been torn to shreds and branded smug. So you get massive confirmation bias and misery loves company instead. Not all are useless, lazy, selfish arseholes. If you’re unlucky enough to have one of those then deal with it. Thinking other people are as put upon as you are might help in the short term but won’t make you any happier in the long run.

I mean, speaking in generalities and averages, of course you are right. Men are conditioned to put themselves first, men are more important, men should be taken seriously etc etc.... Women historically have been in servile roles in the family, the workplace, the community. Obviously this does not hold true at all for all men or all women. But if it wasn't generally true then we wouldn't have feminism.

See, the thing is, dh is a brilliant dad who has done literally loads over the years for the dcs. And he does tons at home. Hes a good guy. But i think putting himself first comes more naturally to him than it ever does to me. And i imagine a lot of men are similar.

Its interesting really. Maybe its more to do with nature than i thought.

I don't know about "looked after", but I've noticed that generally, men can't be alone. Sex is only part of it. They cannot be alone.

Well that's gonads. You don't notice the ones that want to be alone (and have succeeded) because they are... well. Alone.

I also don't recognize this. My husband prioritizes "us" - as in me, the kids, him- rather than just himself. As do I. We look after each other and pull in the same direction. It makes for a happy, easy life despite all the usual shit of not enough money, not enough sleep, health problems etc etc. At the core we are a team.

Saying "all men are selfish, that's just how it goes" means you dont expect better and probably wind up compensating for their shortcomings.

No no no no no. It's not nature. It's millennia of male supremacy.

No.
My DP looks after me in every way.

He is happy for me to work as little or much as I wish (no kids).
He pays all the bills, buys me small gifts all the time. He’s buying us a house to live in and gets me a new car when I need it.
He always gives me the best piece of fish, steak, pie etc when he’s cooked a dinner.
He brings me tea in the morning before he leaves for work and gives me a foot massage every evening on the sofa.

I am very lucky and am looked after like a queen.

It's not just about women complaining on MN.

Plenty of women say in my own daily life and on social media generally how they just love that their partner is so great at 'helping out" with the 'boy jobs" - meaning he does the once-a-week and every-so-often stuff like bins, lawns and DIY, while she's doing all the planning, school stuff, daily cooking etc, often with a baby or toddler on one arm and equal or close to equal working responsibilities.

I also see a lot on here with women posting about their higher earning DH and how he's far to busy and important to be home for dinner, do his share etc - and I know that's often bs that he's fed them, because I earn the same or more, and as a single mother absolutely do all those things. I also work with many men who are great colleagues and apparently loving husbands, but who also seem to be mysteriously busier than women at the same level at school dropoff time or bedtime. Bet they don't even admit it to themselves (my ex certainly never has). It's really endemic.

My mum drives me bonkers saying That It's Just The Way Men Are. Ex mother in law was the same. The unspoken subtext is "and you better get used to it".

Just because you're married to a selfish man doesn't mean we all are or they're all selfish.

Do you not find this trait massively unappealing?

@DolphinFC

I'm new to Mumsnet.

Is this level of simplistic, over-generalisation typical?

Yes And it is accepted by mnhq but if you said the same thing in a generalised manner about anther protected characteristic (sex is) like race or religion or even turned it to women then expected to be deleted or banned.

@ssdI agree with @HairyPits but he doesn't bring me tea in bed as he's always sleeping and we each put money into our joint account that pays for bills.

He always puts me first and I'm sure he will also put out son before me when he arrives. So I don't relate to what you said at all, all my friends are treated like queens and will settle for nothing less.

I've never met a man who isn't completely self serving which is why I'm single now. My husbands weren't even good earners.
I asked my last husband to cook dinner as I'd be home from work late, he cooked himself a lovely dinner and there was nothing for me when I got home despite me cooking for us both every night. This is just one example of many.
I'm much happier single, I come first now.
My ex moved in with another woman immediately.

So in what way is he prioritising himself?

I disagree. There will be many men like this, but certainly not all. there are also plenty of women who like to brand themselves as people-pleasers and enjoy playing the martyr.

Both my Ex's were like that. One came home from work, slobbed on the sofa, watching TV, expecting his dinner cooked, his clothes washed and the DC removed from disturbing his TV Viewing, My next Ex was very honest, he said, when I cooked him a full english one morning, "I worry you will end up like my ex wife and stop looking after me, and rebell" So he is now an Ex and I am so happy being single, I can be the slob if I want :)

Mine does in many ways put himself first. He will make sure that everyone is fed and watered and all basic needs met but doesn’t do all the little extras.
I do his washing but leave him to do his own cooking and shopping other than once a week.

Totally agree, op. My dh is a lovely man, a great dad and all that goes with it but his day to day decisions on anything that will impact on him regarding the kids are immediately assessed in context of him and him only. I'm the opposite and the first thing I'll be assessing is impact of a decision on the kids, and only myself last. Drives me absolutely potty.