To think all men want is to be looked after?

[ssd]

I don't know how its taken me so long to realise this. I now think all men want is for us to look after them. I think I've been in denial, but finally admitted that tonight.
Dh looks after himself first. He's great round the house and does plenty. But he looks out for himself first, i notice this in lots of ways. I look out for the family first, it seems to be my default status. His is me first. I think most men will be like this, deep down. Thats why mn is full of posts from mums sick of doing the majority of household stuff.
I also realised tonight, if i died tomorrow, dh would be married within a year. It sounds strange to say that, but i know he likes to be looked after.

Clearly not every man. My husband and i don't have a ridiculous relationship with no communication or bitterness so we actually like each other, care for each other and look after each other. He always puts me first, he comes second, and I do the same for him.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Would it make you feel better about your revelation to think other women are with men who are as selfish as yours is? Mine isn’t like that. I know loads of men who aren’t like that.

Happy content women married to decent men don’t tend to post about things going well. Partly because when it’s occasionally been attempted in the past they’ve been torn to shreds and branded smug. So you get massive confirmation bias and misery loves company instead. Not all are useless, lazy, selfish arseholes. If you’re unlucky enough to have one of those then deal with it. Thinking other people are as put upon as you are might help in the short term but won’t make you any happier in the long run.

I think this is fair.

I think alot of men see earning money as looking after the family

I agree that most men are like this. They don't want to be alone even if a relationship isn't ideal because that would mean they have to look after themselves. And they move on quickly (or want to) when a relationship ends.
A generalisation of course. Nothing wrong with generalisations so long as it's not assumed that all men are like this.

Surely it's up to mothers not to raise entitled men

@Macncheeseballs nothing to do with their fathers then?

The bar is clearly very low for being a brilliant dad then. If he can put himself first and still be thought of as a brilliant dad. That's not what I'd call a great dad.

Yep.
That and getting their leg over.
And beer.
That just about covers it.

No, DH always puts us first, I’ve never seen him put himself first before us.
And he’s the better parent than me, with endless patience and dotes on our DC. He’ll take time out of meetings to go pick up my DC (not his kids) from the station, I tell them to walk fresh air and exercise is good, so they never ask me and he will go haring off to give them a lift.

He’ll cook, clean I get every single lie in ever and he’ll try and be really quiet so as not to wake me.

At one point during my maternity leave he was so busy taking care of everything I started ironing his work clothes as he was on his knees (I don’t usually iron).

He spent many years living alone and I don’t think he’d go racing off to remarry if I died, or maybe he would 🤷🏻‍♀️

But living alone has never bothered him.

I know he enjoys living as a family.

I reckon he’d be a crazy cat man if I wasn’t around.

Now ex, always put himself first, before me before the DC. he’s an ex.

@ssd

I don't know how its taken me so long to realise this. I now think all men want is for us to look after them. I think I've been in denial, but finally admitted that tonight. Dh looks after himself first. He's great round the house and does plenty. But he looks out for himself first, i notice this in lots of ways. I look out for the family first, it seems to be my default status. His is me first. I think most men will be like this, deep down. Thats why mn is full of posts from mums sick of doing the majority of household stuff. I also realised tonight, if i died tomorrow, dh would be married within a year. It sounds strange to say that, but i know he likes to be looked after.

Maybe you’re a bit of a martyr.

I'm new to Mumsnet.

Is this level of simplistic, over-generalisation typical?

Yes.

@Macncheeseballs

Surely it's up to mothers not to raise entitled men

You’re aware that most children have a mum and a dad, or do you think only mums are responsible for how their children turn out?

@SimonJT it's the usual, blaming women for some men's bad behaviour. In the same vein as blaming mums if their sons won't do housework, blaming wives for staying with abusive husbands, blaming that girl for being drunk and wearing a short skirt....

Got it!
Four legs good, two legs... sorry women good, men bad.

Well obviously not all men are like this!
But quite a few are.
The biggest and best example was an ex of mine.
Lived with his mother until mid-30s, never worked. Just liked to sit about smoking and doing vague 'projects'.
His mother -having quite rightly had enough of his ways- found him a course to do which meant manning up and moving across the country.
He conned a fwb into letting him stay at her's for 6 months.
When he 'got home' his mum -now expecting him to do something with his qualification- wanted him out.
Miraculously, he is at this point now in love with former fwb. He moves in and continues to be useless.
She eventually got shot of him. Good for her.
I know all this as we recently met up and he told me all about it.
I was so upset when he dumped me but by God I had a lucky escape.

If this guy doesn't win biggest mummy's boy of the thread then there's no justice. Lol.

My DH does all the washing and the majority of the cooking. Other stuff is 50/50.

However, he is better at ensuring time to do what he wants and he doesn’t let dad guilt get in the way of that, whereas I can’t tolerate mum guilt. Men are better equipped when it comes to boundaries.

Agree. I only really realised a few months ago but my DH seems to constantly be focused on his own needs rather than DC and I.

Main example would be the fact when he gets up in the morning he only sorts himself out. I change, dress and feed the toddler and baby as well as micromanaging the older three to make sure they don’t forget anything. He goes for a shower for at least 20 mins to start with then gets dressed, comes downstairs and gets himself breakfast then leaves. No cleaning, no helping with the DC in any way. Just sorts himself out and goes. Plenty of other examples of this, it isn’t the only thing. When he has something important on at work that’s honestly all he thinks and talks about. No real interest in me or the DC, just wants to talk at me about his work and I’m not really interested!

I think in general you have hit the nail on the head. My DH and I have had this conversation and it’s got to be in the hardwiring. We were discussing if it was left over from animal instincts, a female would have to nurture the children and gather food etc. The males would have to protect / fight and is higher in the hierarchy so was if bred into males to be more self centred?

I’m not say all men are self centred or awful / don’t help out. I just think it’s their natural default and doesn’t come as easily maybe? My DH is lovely and helps out with the childcare and cleaning but he has said it’s not his first thought it’s generally about himself first and others second

@Thingsdogetbetter

By equating your dh's behaviour to all men, you are making excuses for him, and thus your acceptance of this dynamic. I could just as well say all men are great cake bakers, or all men love Hawkwind, because my dh does.

Yes, there are a lot of men like this on mn posts - but compared to the population as a whole that is actually sod all men.

You are in denial, but it's that your dh specifically puts himself first. It's not all men, or even most men - it's your man. Pretending it's all men means you don't have to face it or deal with it.

Excellent post!

My father and brother are selfish men who needed looking after, A’s was one of my ex’s.

DH and the men in his family are completely different. My FIL puts the family first and every opportunity and cares for MIL when she gets ill, this is regularly due to long term conditions.

DH puts our pets first (as do I) and then we put each other next on the list so we both look after each other. He loves to cook for me and will make amazing vegan food even though he secretly would love to be eating steak, he will get up earlier and de ice my car, I get tea in bed every morning and he will clear up downstairs before I get up. He really is a great guy.

I suspect he had probably picked up and disposed off a lot of deceased wildlife so I don’t think badly of the cat as well, but he won’t admit to it.

He even goes to the opera with me without moaning and I know he isn’t keen on it and lots of other silly things like that.

Not all men are selfish and inconsiderate!

Another saying no, my DH (and my dad) puts everyone else's needs first. He seems to see it as his job to look after us all.

I'm not lucky, this is very normal.

Most of the men i’ve known will prioritise their needs above anything else in lots of ways, big and small. Whether that’s sex, drinking, their social life over family life or parenting, their career or their want to play on a playstation over and above being a father or sorting housework or spending quality time together. The one man I dated that couldn’t do enough in terms of being helpful also had big expectations around sex and how much time we should spend together when dating, kind of like a subtle quid pro quo.

I’ve carried the emotional and practical (and in two cases financial) load in every long term relationship i’ve been in and struggle to imagine a man who actually pulls his weight and doesn’t put himself first. Even the men i’ve known who live alone and have successful careers - ones i thought therefore were more able to sort their shit out and take responsibility were very much about their own desires and wants and someone catering to those as a general baseline.

But i don’t know whether that means it’s a man thing generally, because I see other people who say - like on this thread - that they have men in their life who aren’t this way. So i’ve got to assume it’s been my own choices and not having higher standards. Mind you, I did break up with every single one of these men sooner or later rather than stick around and continue to put up with it.

I have been in relationships where it’s quite the opposite

It was suffocating

I have also been in relationships where it’s balanced

Lazy or child like men I walk away from very quickly I do not need to mother a partner

Tbh women should learn something from them.

@DolphinFC

I'm new to Mumsnet.

Is this level of simplistic, over-generalisation typical?

All the time.

And I'll add 'blatant intellectual laziness, hypocrisy and double standards' too.

"My dh/all the men I know are x,y,z = all men are x,y,z. We must rope all men into every complaint but don't you dare do that to women! We're not a monolith and it's MISOGYNY" - a normal day on MN.

Same with everything else - just change "men" to anything and you'll get the same over-generalisation. Best to roll your eyes and keep scrolling if you don't wish to engage.