To think all men want is to be looked after?

[ssd]

I don't know how its taken me so long to realise this. I now think all men want is for us to look after them. I think I've been in denial, but finally admitted that tonight.
Dh looks after himself first. He's great round the house and does plenty. But he looks out for himself first, i notice this in lots of ways. I look out for the family first, it seems to be my default status. His is me first. I think most men will be like this, deep down. Thats why mn is full of posts from mums sick of doing the majority of household stuff.
I also realised tonight, if i died tomorrow, dh would be married within a year. It sounds strange to say that, but i know he likes to be looked after.

My husband works longer hours than me and does majority of the housework as he's up before me and just has more motivation than me. He is not the stereotypical man and I'm very lucky to have him

Yours might just like some women want to be looked after.

There is no way you can make such a big sweeping generalisation

Lots of women, mothers especially, like to martyr themselves, especially on mn.

It's a bit like saying all women want a man to keep them OP. You can find lots of examples to back you up but it's still sexist claptrap.

My dad is 100% the opposite, as is my brother. So not all men.
I worry about my dad as he cares for my mum, but neglects his own needs, and would never consider his own wants. The only way I can get him to do anything for himself is to be really forceful about the consequences for my mum if he goes under.

My DF didnt. He put my DM and I first with his every breath. My DM put herself first, last and always.

My ex definitely put himself first and above everyone and everything. He now has nothing.

I've always put DS first sometimes to my detriment but I cant help it. But I'm more selfish now with others as it appears that those who are get more, are less disappointed and less resentful.

@Thatisnotwhatisaid

Agree. I only really realised a few months ago but my DH seems to constantly be focused on his own needs rather than DC and I.

Main example would be the fact when he gets up in the morning he only sorts himself out. I change, dress and feed the toddler and baby as well as micromanaging the older three to make sure they don’t forget anything. He goes for a shower for at least 20 mins to start with then gets dressed, comes downstairs and gets himself breakfast then leaves. No cleaning, no helping with the DC in any way. Just sorts himself out and goes. Plenty of other examples of this, it isn’t the only thing. When he has something important on at work that’s honestly all he thinks and talks about. No real interest in me or the DC, just wants to talk at me about his work and I’m not really interested!

And you have 5 children with this waster?

Or are you skivvy step mother to his 3 then added your own 2 to the mix?

If so, you were recruited for your skivvying skills to look after HIS children and then were silly enough to have two of your own.

If the above is true, you have really low standards and that's why he chose you.

Any woman with a scrap of self respect doesn't get used like this.

Agree, not selfish as in total arseholes bit less likely to martyr themselves.
However I’m like a man... we have household chore agreements and if I do something extra I’m very vocal about it. Also put myself first 😂 probably as a consequence of not wanting to be a pushover especially since I’m very lazy. If I see a mess id be able to walk past it , true man style

I disagree with this, based on my own experience.

My dh would absolutely put me and ds before himself every single time. It’s his raison d’être to care for us and look after us.
Of course, it’s reciprocal and we do things for each other, but I completely disagree that all men are like that.

I think regarding this women need to look at how they bring up sons. Im older I think than many here, and could not believe how many women run after their adult sons like they are still children. In this respect my MIL was fantastic, she had many sons, one daughter but her husband worked away, so ALL the children helped with chores, including the boys. Now adults, they all work, all do housework, cooking and baking. In my day girls were expected to do housework and boys were run around after. I treated my children equally with chores and hoping that if/when my son meets a partner,that they will be on an equal footing. My son lived alone for five years, so yes that helped. My son does all his laundry, cleans, cooks, bakes, does dishes etc. I know men who cannot cook, live off microwave meals and cannot work a washing machine. It doesn't help them. The saddest aspect is the long- term marriages where a man ends up on his own. They often don't have a clue how to look after themselves and then usually have their families having to run about after them. It's not fair on the family as families have their own lives. If not that, then it's usually looking for the replacement housekeeper (wife). Im not saying ALL men, but I have seen these scenarios often.

These threads are always full of women falling over themselves to tell us how the split of housework in their home is exactly 50/50 and DH loves loading the dishwasher and if yours doesn't then you've done something wrong along the line and why did you have children with a man child as if you can just shove the kids back into the womb and turn back time. I wish women could just have a discussion about the division of labour in the family without this endless bragging and finger pointing. It's as simplistic and boring as the endless 'I'm a size 8, just eat less and move more and you'll soon shift that 7 stone you have to lose' comments on weight loss threads.

I wish women could just have a discussion about the division of labour in the family without this endless bragging and finger pointing.

This, OP, is why MN is full of JUST negatives about husbands and partners. Anything else is bragging🤷🏻

My DP would say he puts me and our DD first and I think he does on occasion. When it comes to food though he is so greedy, he’d take it out of our mouths!

I have lost count of the times he’s taken her to school without a coat on a cold, even wet, day or he hasn’t given her breakfast or even a drink but he is tucking into his. She is 7 now so can look after herself a bit more but he still prioritises feeding himself over her.

@Wishihadanalgorithm behaviour like that would be a huge turn-off for me tbh - he can't even be responsible for his own child!
For all his faults and selfishness in other things my own father was very meticulous about making sure that I was fed with and had warm clothes on

@Definately

These threads are always full of women falling over themselves to tell us how the split of housework in their home is exactly 50/50 and DH loves loading the dishwasher and if yours doesn't then you've done something wrong along the line and why did you have children with a man child as if you can just shove the kids back into the womb and turn back time. I wish women could just have a discussion about the division of labour in the family without this endless bragging and finger pointing. It's as simplistic and boring as the endless 'I'm a size 8, just eat less and move more and you'll soon shift that 7 stone you have to lose' comments on weight loss threads.

It's not remotely the same as just saying eat less and move more. People have health issues and different bodies.

Being a lazy twat is being a lazy twat which ever way you look at it. I don't blame women, although repeat bad choices are frustrating. It is what is socially acceptable that needs to change. That men think this is OK and women think they should accept it.

But getting incredulous at women who have equal partners isn't the answer.

www.theguardian.com/inequality/2018/feb/17/dirty-secret-why-housework-gender-gap

@MrsTerryPratchett

Nope. I noticed today my DH looking out for DD (and the dog) before himself.

And I'm a rabid, man-hating feminist according to many.

Snap.

Other way around in my relationship. My partner looks out for everyone else, me in particular. I am naturally quite selfish. Not a trait I admire in myself but instinctively it’s me first.

@Definately

These threads are always full of women falling over themselves to tell us how the split of housework in their home is exactly 50/50 and DH loves loading the dishwasher and if yours doesn't then you've done something wrong along the line and why did you have children with a man child as if you can just shove the kids back into the womb and turn back time. I wish women could just have a discussion about the division of labour in the family without this endless bragging and finger pointing. It's as simplistic and boring as the endless 'I'm a size 8, just eat less and move more and you'll soon shift that 7 stone you have to lose' comments on weight loss threads.

what do you want them to say?

It's not falling over yourself to point out that not everybody has the same experience.

Being a man does mean you have a penis. That's biology. It doesn't mean you "expect to be looked after".

Being a martyr and being houseproud from your first date is unhelpful.

We look after eachother.

I think these threads are often started by woman who are unhappy with their lot in life, and are looking for reassurance that this is the same for all woman, so there's no point questioning if this is the right man for them, because after a while, all men will be the same.

It might make you feel better to have lots of other people say that yes, this is just what being an adult woman is like, so don't feel bad about it being impossible to change, but its not true.

Many woman are in relationships with men who don't treat them like the staff/their mum. It might feel like bragging, particularly if you are at a stage with your relationship when leaving is going to be very tough. But its a bad lie to continue that most men are shit, so if straight woman want a relationship, this is what they have to put up with. It helps noone, except shitty men who have been lucky enough to find a woman who accepts this as normal.

@DrSbaitso

I don't know about "looked after", but I've noticed that generally, men can't be alone. Sex is only part of it. They cannot be alone.

Of course they can. DH lived alone for 17 years before we met. Relatives and friends of mine have lived alone all their adult lives into their 70s plus

Also, what @MargosKaftan said.

Put it like this: I think its the default for men to want to be looked after. I think there is a subset of more progressive men or men who were raised by unusually forward-thinking mothers who have got past that but its a conscious effort of will to buck the trend.

Every man I have been in a longish-term relationship with has, to a greater of lesser extent, wanted some looking after. Ranging from the basically sorted bloke who has slightly self-indulgent tendencies to the full fat cocklodger/mummy's boy. I've yet to meet a man who is instinctively and immediately selfless and will reflexively take control of the domestic agenda.