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Original poster

Moral Dilemma

425 replies

freerunner75 · 08/05/2021 15:56

My partner and I have been together 12 years. Both married previously, my marriage ended horrifically, my husband blew a tonne of my savings and left me in £25k debt. My partners marriage was similar, his ex left with an extremely large settlement.

We moved in together to a rented place with a view to buying something together. His marital home was sold to settle the divorce agreement, but he had one other property in his name at the time which he kept and rented out. The house we now live in - was bought at an extremely low rate from family. I had no say in this and was not given the option to be a part of it as he classes it as his 'inheritance' and is protective over the equity given what happened with his divorce. I pay half towards the bills and we have both designed and improved the house since we have been here - i have paid for only soft furnishings and a few bits of furniture as I earn a lot less than him and most of my money goes towards the bills and my kids. The house we live in has tripled in value since we have been here and made improvements.

So, we are not married, no mortgage together, no life insurance for each other, nothing. Together 12 years.

The whole lack of financial security is a big issue to me and has caused us endless arguments over the years. But he won't budge. Recently we had a huge bust up and I was looking into my options but they are few given my current situation and budget limitations.

Am willing to take a bashing on this - however am I being unreasonable to request for him to set aside some money for me in case our relationship does break down irretrievably so that I have a safety net? I was thinking perhaps £1000 per year for every year we have lived together - signed and agreed by both and by a solicitor so we both know where we stand?

I am currently earning more than I have for a while and am starting to be able to save again - but my biggest concern is that if we do finish.. i am out on the streets with nothing to my name despite contributing for years... yet he is sitting pretty. I know it sounds bloody awful, but it would take a lot of stress off me and our relationship and I don't think I am being unreasonable.

But I am expecting to be told that I am..... thoughts please.

OP posts:
percheron67 · 08/05/2021 20:18

Please seek legal advice and start putting away as much as you can -even if it is only a few pounds per week - into a "You" fund and keep that quiet. I can see it from the other side now after being caught out twice (I know!) by unscrupulous husbands. Put these two things in motion before you make any decision.

Viviennemary · 08/05/2021 20:18

Regardless of the fairness of unfairness of the present situation you need to look to the future. If you split up where will you live. You have no claim on the house.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 08/05/2021 20:22

Personally I’d move out.

I live separately from my partner because we didn’t want both sets of respective children to have the upheaval. It’s great. We got married a few years ago too. Should we divorce the finances won’t be problematic - he doesn’t need to give me anything but as I’m totally independent I don’t need it.

Move out. He may love you more than the house to marry you. Or you can carry on as unmarried but as least you don’t have to worry about what happens if it does end.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/05/2021 20:22

He doesn't owe you a bean. You did this all of your own volition, sadly. There's no contract or written agreement between you. Unfortunately, you allowed yourself to get into this situation and for it to continue by not insisting on marriage and blending of finances before moving in, by not insisting on fair split of lifework and by giving him free labour of your own free will.

The only thing you can do now is focus on the future.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/05/2021 20:23

Stop enabling men in order to be in a relationship.

Blossomtoes · 08/05/2021 20:31

Please seek legal advice

On what?

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 08/05/2021 20:37

Sorry, but I don’t see how he owes you anything. If you need more savings, you should get a better paid job or a second/third job. Let him know that’s what you are doing. I am sure you’ll only be respected for it.

UserAtRandom · 08/05/2021 20:37

Personally, I'd move out

Financially, I suspect this will leave OP and her 2 adult children significantly worse off.

Which is, of course, not a reason to do it.
Staying where she is and saving while she is in a position to do so, might be a better longer term option.

Ladydayblues1 · 08/05/2021 20:37

percheron67 they are not married so what would she need legal advice on?

MiddleClassProblem · 08/05/2021 20:48

How can you be broke each month in this arrangement but also claim you could afford to live on your own with your kids?

I think you just write whatever makes you feel in the right like the utter bollocks of saying you paying half the bills and raising it to 75% although in 2019 you paid £600 vs DP’s £500.

If you came here to see id you were being reasonable, listen. If you came here just to have people on your side, you’re not in the right place, head to a mirror.

Whyareblokesonhere · 08/05/2021 20:55

@MiddleClassProblem

How can you be broke each month in this arrangement but also claim you could afford to live on your own with your kids?

I think you just write whatever makes you feel in the right like the utter bollocks of saying you paying half the bills and raising it to 75% although in 2019 you paid £600 vs DP’s £500.

If you came here to see id you were being reasonable, listen. If you came here just to have people on your side, you’re not in the right place, head to a mirror.

👏👏👏
BlackDaffodil · 08/05/2021 21:19

OP you must stop working for Him for Free, stop paying 75% of everything, and SAVE.

He's taking the PISS. 🌸

neveradullmoment99 · 08/05/2021 21:22

Sounds like he is protecting himself just in case.
The evidence is clear. He is unwilling to commit on anything.
You are not married.
He owns the house!
I can imagine that asking for £1000 just in case will go down badly.
You badly need some for of financial independence. If i were you, I would seek a better job and start putting money away.

neveradullmoment99 · 08/05/2021 21:23

Oh yes and stop paying 75% of the outgoings.
He is definitely taking the piss.

BlackDaffodil · 08/05/2021 21:23

Yes a JOB that PAYS you 🌸

Saltyslug · 08/05/2021 21:31

Get a better paid job and save a deposit for your own home to rent out or live in if you split up. You need to take control of the situation and create your own financial security. Please don’t depend on others for this.

Lollipop25 · 08/05/2021 21:31

If you are paying rent to him, he has been very clever as technically you are a tenant and entitled to nothing if you break up. I don't blame him if he has been stung before but you really need to sort yourself out for that possibility. I grew up with the attitude never financially depend on a man.

UserAtRandom · 08/05/2021 21:36

@neveradullmoment99

Oh yes and stop paying 75% of the outgoings. He is definitely taking the piss.
OP is paying for herself and 2 adult children. Why is 75% of bills "taking the piss"?
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 08/05/2021 21:38

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Stop enabling men in order to be in a relationship.
This is sound advice in relation to 99% of threads on the relationships board. Women need to start putting themselves first, ahead of trotting after a man who is busy lining up what he wants in life and being left with fuck all after he decides it’s no longer her! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!!!
Redwinestillfine · 08/05/2021 21:39

If you want security get married. If he won't personally I would move out. Live somewhere you can afford, let him sort out his own house, cleaning, admin etc. If you think the relationship will go somewhere then by alleans carry on dating him but draw a one in the sand. If he wants casual he can have it. If he wants serious then that comes with commitment.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 08/05/2021 21:40

Oh yes and stop paying 75% of the outgoings.
He is definitely taking the piss.

OP is paying for herself and 2 adult children.
Why is 75% of bills "taking the piss"?

Don’t forget she and her two adult children are also being housed for free. She has a cushy set up which is exactly why she found she couldn’t afford to leave when she decided to throw her toys out of the pram because he doesn’t want to sign over half the house he inherited to his girlfriend Hmm

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 08/05/2021 21:44

@Redwinestillfine

If you want security get married. If he won't personally I would move out. Live somewhere you can afford, let him sort out his own house, cleaning, admin etc. If you think the relationship will go somewhere then by alleans carry on dating him but draw a one in the sand. If he wants casual he can have it. If he wants serious then that comes with commitment.
Bloody hell there are some embarrassing posters on this thread! Do so many grown women actually expect men to just hand them money and assets?! He has put a roof over the OP and her children rent free for more than a decade! They’re not his children-this isn’t a set up where she has sacrificed her career to bring up their shared children....she is being grabby as fuck! Also, she’s considered moving out and funding herself but found it’s too expensive so I somehow don’t think flouncing and threatening to move out is the solution! Why should he provide her with this security you speak of? She’s a grown woman with her own children, he doesn’t owe her ‘security’ in fact he’s given her ample years of rent free living which she could have used to get herself a secure nest egg...but she didn’t. That’s on her.
Original poster
freerunner75 · 08/05/2021 21:45

Thank you all.

I do now have a better paid job and as the kids are more independent I am finally in a position to start putting some money away for me.

I do resent the fact that people have said I am living ‘rent free’ .. as I see it both people pay into a pot to enable us all to live under one roof regardless of what that money physically pays.

The house was bought at a small fraction of the market value.. hence his inheritance being the equity that it had straight away. With all the work that has been done since.. the value has trebled. I have had a lot of involvement and say in that work, even if I haven’t been able to physically pay for much of it myself.

I understand totally his protectiveness over his equity. But how is it fair that if we were married, and we divorced I could technically (if I wanted to) claim x amount of pounds and walk away, yet as we are not.. I can’t. Despite for the most part.. being in exactly the same relationship. That’s my point.

I get everyone’s opinions from both sides and I appreciate it, that’s why I posted here. Not to talk ‘bollox’ as someone suggested just to hear the answers I wanted.

I’m not a bad person, or a gold digger, or anything like that.

I just feel a little bit crap and frustrated.

Thanks all again!

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 08/05/2021 21:51

But how is it fair that if we were married, and we divorced I could technically (if I wanted to) claim x amount of pounds and walk away, yet as we are not.. I can’t. Despite for the most part.. being in exactly the same relationship. That’s my point.

There’s a very simple way to get the protection and benefits you’re looking for, it’s called marriage.

But you’re not married so none of this applies to you.

Marriage is a legal contract. One that you decided not to have in place before moving into this man’s house.

mobear · 08/05/2021 21:54

I do resent the fact that people have said I am living ‘rent free’ .. as I see it both people pay into a pot to enable us all to live under one roof regardless of what that money physically pays.

The point is OP, if you were living anywhere else you would be paying mortgage or rent and what you are currently contributing towards your bills, food, etc. As you live with him, you don't have that cost, so you are living 'rent free' irrespective of whether you resent the term.

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