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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite DF's sibling's partner to our wedding?

121 replies

xela21 · 08/05/2021 12:28

DF & I are having a very small COVID-friendly wedding soon. As we didn't know what the rules etc would be and having already postponed once we decided on having a quiet, intimate do. A mini break/wedding weekend away for bride, groom, both sets of parents, only living grandparent, and siblings on both sides. We each have 1 sibling. My sibling & partner are engaged, we have spent considerably more time with and speak to/see often. DF's sibling and partner have probably also been together for a similar duration of time but I could count on one hand the number of times we have seen or spoken to them, the last time being I think about 3 years ago. They do not live together/not engaged etc.

AIBU to not invite their partner? No beef here, just don't really know them at all. The most time we have spent together was 1 family meal 3 years ago. No contact since. DF's sibling doesn't speak to us much/let alone talk about DP.

I am struggling with the moral dilemma - to keep things simple we are not even having very close friend (all very understanding, and will celebrate with separately). It just doesn't feel right to have basically a stranger at our very intimate do when close friends aren't even there especially given its not just a quick event (several days away). We are ofc paying for everyone's meal/accom etc, money is not the issue here just want to do the right thing without it feeling too awkward.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/05/2021 12:30

Yes.

Over what you're saying about not knowing them well but everyone else will be with their partner and splitting the cost of accomodation. SIL will be alone because you don't want to bother getting to know their partner.

If they were no31 on the list then maybe, but they're not.

milinhas · 08/05/2021 12:30

If you invite one siblings partner but not the other it will be seen as a clear snub (which tbf it is). How much do you like family drama?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/05/2021 12:31

Sorry I reread and missed you're paying for all the accomodation and meals. But I still think you keep it structurally even. Your sibling and their partner. Partners sibling and their partner.

Michaelangelo467 · 08/05/2021 12:31

Yabu absolutely.

MindyStClaire · 08/05/2021 12:32

It would be very unfair to invite one sibling's partner and not the other. I would be very hurt in the partner's shoes, and very unimpressed in the sibling's.

titchy · 08/05/2021 12:34

Wow. Yes of course yabu. That's quite nasty, to leave your fiancé's sister on her own.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 08/05/2021 12:34

@SleepingStandingUp don’t think we read the same post, especially since op said they were paying for the accommodation and not the sibling Hmm

YANBU - you don’t know this person, they’re not living with or engaged to sibling and you last saw them 3 years ago.

emilyfrost · 08/05/2021 12:34

YANBU. It’s your wedding and you don’t know them.

They’re not even married or engaged.

DungeonKeeper · 08/05/2021 12:37

Leaving her on her own? Shes going to be with her family, not a bunch of strangers.

supersonicginandtonic · 08/05/2021 12:38

YABU! I think it would be a pretty horrible thing to do to be honest. Everybody else had their partner there and a person to talk too but she doesn't. If I was her I wouldn't come for that reason alone.

AllThatisSolid · 08/05/2021 12:40

Generally speaking, I think it’s really odd that when people are celebrating their lifelong commitment and partnership, they can be very mean and judgemental about other peoples partnerships.

In specific terms, YABU. And mean and judgemental.

Original poster
xela21 · 08/05/2021 12:41

Interesting views.

I am finding it awkward either way:

  1. Not inviting just feels uncomfortable even though we have never really spoken (I think maybe 1-2 conversations in the perhaps 4 years they have been together, and seen in person once). I don't want to offend DP's sibling either.

  2. I fear inviting them would be quite intense - going from never really seeing/speaking to suddenly spending several nights away together, sharing small, intimate moments. They don't really know anything about us and may also feel very awkward coming but likely would feel bad not coming etc.

100% would rather have close friends but this going down a slippery slope.. with covid restrictions etc it is just easier to have it "close family only" yet seems wrong to have essentially a stranger.

OP posts:
MaudebeGonne · 08/05/2021 12:41

YABU. We had a tiny wedding (not Covid related, just didn't want a big do). There was 13 of us including our 2 children - no friends, just immediate family. My brother brought his then partner (and her teenage son). They had been together for 4 years but weren't living together. They broke up about a year later and I haven't seen her since. I have no regrets about inviting her, she was a big part of my brothers life at that time and it would have been so mean not to include her.

NewjobOldme · 08/05/2021 12:41

How will you ever get to know them if they are excluded from family events? Think of it as an opportunity. You can't ask one sibling's partner and not the other.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/05/2021 12:43

It’d be a bit shit to be the only person at a family function who wasn’t allowed to bring their partner.
I’d think you were very spiteful if I were your in laws.

Original poster
xela21 · 08/05/2021 12:46

To clarify: DP and in-laws have also spent very little time with DP's sibling's partner. DP also not sure what the right thing to do is.

Perhaps we ought to just invite and leave the ball in their court? That's probably what I am leaning towards but feel quite awkward about it.

OP posts:
KizzyMoo · 08/05/2021 12:47

Yanbu op it is your wedding. Invite who you like. Why invite someone you are not close to.

MustBeTheWine · 08/05/2021 12:48

YABU.

GreenClock · 08/05/2021 12:49

I get the impression that this isn’t even the wedding you want OP. You (naturally) want your best mates there and I imagine you’d be perfectly happy to have the sibling’s partner there under those circumstances too. Why not wait until 2022?

AnUnoriginalUsername · 08/05/2021 12:50

You can't exclude one person's partner. I understand you don't know them as well as the rest of the group but it really doesn't matter.

Notaroadrunner · 08/05/2021 12:50

I think you'd have to invite neither or both. If your df hasn't seen or spoken to their sibling in 3 years do they even want to bother inviting them to the wedding? If definitely inviting the sibling then the partner should also be invited. Doesn't seem like there's much of a relationship there so they mightn't even bother accepting the invite.

ThatIsMyPotato · 08/05/2021 12:50

@xela21

To clarify: DP and in-laws have also spent very little time with DP's sibling's partner. DP also not sure what the right thing to do is.

Perhaps we ought to just invite and leave the ball in their court? That's probably what I am leaning towards but feel quite awkward about it.

If you are on the fence could your DP ask her? Say would you like your partner to come or not? That way you won't be inviting them and putting them on the spot.
NoSquirrels · 08/05/2021 12:51

Just invite them. I think you risk making it more not less awkward and you’ll be focused on each other mostly. They’ve been together 4 years - that’s a permanent arrangement not a boyfriend you’ve never met. We had a smallish wedding and one of my good friends had just started dating the guy who would become her husband - I’m glad we invited him although he was technically a stranger to us then. Think long-term family relations not just ‘wedding’.

Hadalifeonce · 08/05/2021 12:54

This might be the perfect opportunity for you to get to know your new in-laws. You might find you actually like each other.

sbhydrogen · 08/05/2021 12:56

YANBU. My (now ex) BF wasn't invited to my cousin's wedding but EVERYONE else was. We'd been together for eight years, and they knew each other well and got along like a house on fire. Even though my family is something like 40 people, they just couldn't accommodate him. Neither of us were particularly offended.

I'm sure it'd be fine. You hardly know them!