To not invite DF's sibling's partner to our wedding?

[xela21]

DF & I are having a very small COVID-friendly wedding soon. As we didn't know what the rules etc would be and having already postponed once we decided on having a quiet, intimate do. A mini break/wedding weekend away for bride, groom, both sets of parents, only living grandparent, and siblings on both sides. We each have 1 sibling. My sibling & partner are engaged, we have spent considerably more time with and speak to/see often. DF's sibling and partner have probably also been together for a similar duration of time but I could count on one hand the number of times we have seen or spoken to them, the last time being I think about 3 years ago. They do not live together/not engaged etc.

AIBU to not invite their partner? No beef here, just don't really know them at all. The most time we have spent together was 1 family meal 3 years ago. No contact since. DF's sibling doesn't speak to us much/let alone talk about DP.

I am struggling with the moral dilemma - to keep things simple we are not even having very close friend (all very understanding, and will celebrate with separately). It just doesn't feel right to have basically a stranger at our very intimate do when close friends aren't even there especially given its not just a quick event (several days away). We are ofc paying for everyone's meal/accom etc, money is not the issue here just want to do the right thing without it feeling too awkward.

AIBU?

YABU and very mean. This is definitely a snub. You expect sil to come away with you on holiday, but she can’t bring her partner even though every else is bringing theirs. Your wedding will only be for part of this break. What are you expecting sil to during the non-wedding days? It’s not like you’re just going to the local registry office for an afternoon. But to be honest even if you were I still think you should invite them.

I'm not too sure what is so intimate about a weekend away in hotel, during which you get married - some meals together, a nice service, getting a bit sloshed in the bar, reminisces about other family do's. I can't actually think why that would be a problem for someone who is in a serious relationship with one of the family - isn't it precisely events like this that might make them feel a bit more welcome.
Talk to your sibling first - wouldn't that be the most logical thing to do. There may be a bloody obvious reason - your sibling is an idiot that doesn't invite them, or they are very shy and have felt its too much, or have commitments that make it difficult - but if you don't speak then you'll never know. Rather than getting the feedback of mumsnet who at best can guess the reasons - maybe some good family communication would be the right thing to do.

We had quite a small wedding - 15 guests - also a weekend away, also we paid for all the accommodation etc.

Everyone's partners were invited, even one who we had never actually met (for boring reasons). Our view was that if our guest was important enough to us to be at the wedding then their 'person' should be important enough too - regardless of whether we were actually close to them. The one we had never met didn't come and another who we didn't know we'll at all did come, she was great fun and I'm glad we included her even thought that couple have actually since split up.

You do you OP, but I would be pretty miffed in the siblings position and I really wouldn't want the drama when you've already had to compromise on your wedding.

are you deeply religious @emilyfrost

That should be irrelevant. I’m a committed Christian and believe in marriage (I’ve been married for 18 years), but it wouldn’t occur to me to judge another couple’s relationship on the basis of whether or not they planned to get married.

Personally I couldn't not invite a long term partner of a sibling. If they'd been dating for less than a year, or weren't really serious then I'd say yanbu. However they're clearly in a serious relationship, and to invite one siblings partner but not another just wouldn't sit right with me. Though your wedding, your day and you have to do what you're comfortable with.

YABU. You need to invite neither siblings partner, or both.

If they got married, do you think youd feel ok if they invited your dh but not you for a several day event.

Yes YANBU. Sometimes you invite the other half for the person you do know/care about rather than for yourself or the 'plus one's' benefit.

It feels a bit cliquey - invite them and they’ll decide.
How would you feel if they got married and invited your DP but not you?

You are overthinking this, and causing difficulties.
V anti-social.
Invite the sibling and partner, be welcoming and look upon it as a chance to, you know, act like family.

They will only feel awkward at not knowing anyone all that well I everyone makes as bug a deal if this as you.

@LizzieW1969

*are you deeply religious @emilyfrost*

That should be irrelevant. I’m a committed Christian and believe in marriage (I’ve been married for 18 years), but it wouldn’t occur to me to judge another couple’s relationship on the basis of whether or not they planned to get married.

Quite but there was a follow on which is I can't see what else would make you see a couple who have made an emotional commitment differently to someone who's got married bar the religious significance. I didn't mean to suggest all religious people were the same as Emily

Another vote for YABU, if I was your sibling / siblings partner, I’d feel really upset and slighted.

Invite them. You might all get to know each other better.

Sorry, I think you have to invite them.

You could ask the sibling first along the lines of, Do you see yourself staying long term with your DP and want them included as part of the family? But that would be a bit of an awkward conversation, so I'd just invite.

UPDATE: Thanks everyone for your input - discussed with DF and agreed we would feel most comfortable leaving the ball in his dear sibling's court to decide (having not brought partner to other events).

DF had a frank conversation with his DB (talking about feelings/partners does not come naturally to either of them, at least to eachother) and it transpires that they had actually split up a long while ago! Has chosen not to inform the family as they'd only met a couple of times and hoped "it'll fizzle away" as to not be questioned about relationship status. She is still somewhat in his life - I think alluding to a FWB set up. He does not wish to bring her! (and mentioned if he meets someone worth introducing to the family, we would know about it).

A slightly awkward but necessarily conversation.

awks!
Well at least you know now.

As much as you would like to I don't think you can do this.

I was in a similar situation, very small wedding.
My BIL was dating someone the family disliked, he has the worst taste in women. I had never even met her due to them living abroad, so she was a stranger to me but we still invited her to keep the peace.

Of course they split not long afterwards and I've a stranger in my wedding pics but it would have caused a huge rift if we didn't invite her.

Just seen your update, worked out well in the end OP.

Good news!

Sad they’ve split but at least you have your answer now!

On an unrelated subject, I'm starting a new venture called "Small Intimate Moments" if anyone would like to invest.