To not invite DF's sibling's partner to our wedding?

[xela21]

DF & I are having a very small COVID-friendly wedding soon. As we didn't know what the rules etc would be and having already postponed once we decided on having a quiet, intimate do. A mini break/wedding weekend away for bride, groom, both sets of parents, only living grandparent, and siblings on both sides. We each have 1 sibling. My sibling & partner are engaged, we have spent considerably more time with and speak to/see often. DF's sibling and partner have probably also been together for a similar duration of time but I could count on one hand the number of times we have seen or spoken to them, the last time being I think about 3 years ago. They do not live together/not engaged etc.

AIBU to not invite their partner? No beef here, just don't really know them at all. The most time we have spent together was 1 family meal 3 years ago. No contact since. DF's sibling doesn't speak to us much/let alone talk about DP.

I am struggling with the moral dilemma - to keep things simple we are not even having very close friend (all very understanding, and will celebrate with separately). It just doesn't feel right to have basically a stranger at our very intimate do when close friends aren't even there especially given its not just a quick event (several days away). We are ofc paying for everyone's meal/accom etc, money is not the issue here just want to do the right thing without it feeling too awkward.

AIBU?

As it is a few days away and not something local / easy yes YABU.

I think you're being a bit precious with the "small, intimate moments" thing and that idea is perhaps over hyped in your imagination. It's not supposed to be a romantic experience for everyone. Unless you're doing mutual footrubs?? Is it a spa thing??

YABVU. All this talk of small intimate moments, I assume you’ve been to a wedding before? You’ll say your vows, have a smooch or a peck depending on your views on PDA and there might be a speech or two. You make out like you’ll be shagging in front of everyone and therefore it’s fine for close relatives to see it but not the long term partner of your soon to be in law. It sounds a bit precious tbh.

If you are inviting your siblings partner then you have to invite your fiancé’s siblings partner or make it very clear to them in advance that the other siblings partner has been invited . I’d be pretty pissed off if my partner was excluded and I turned up and found someone else’s partner was included .

You can't leave them out. Come on - it would be a monstrous snub. How would you feel in that situation? Deliberately left out of a family occasion, made to feel that they aren't considered part of the family even though they've been with their partner for years. Sorry, but YABU - it's really unfair.

Just invite them, without question. Be generous. It's quite likely they won't come but that's up to them - your SIL may feel it's better that way but the insult to her if you don't invite her partner of 4 years is near to unforgivable imo.

Is your DF in agreement. What if your BIL decides it's a snub and decides he will support his DP and not come either, would your DF be happy?

OP, what intimate moments are you talking about? You sound both ridiculous and hard work

I wouldn't want a stranger at my very small wedding. She won't be alone - all her family will be there. He's not even a fiancé, he's just a boyfriend and she'll manage fine without him for one weekend.
No moral dilemma - your wedding, if your friends aren't coming, hers definitely won't be!

You seem a bit too focused on not knowing them, them being a stranger etc. That's missing a point of thinking of your guests, including your partners sibling. So at a wedding, a celebration of love you would leave their partner out because you don't know them well?

@CharlieSocial

OP, what intimate moments are you talking about? You sound both ridiculous and hard work

This

@katy1213

I wouldn't want a stranger at my very small wedding. She won't be alone - all her family will be there. He's not even a fiancé, he's just a boyfriend and she'll manage fine without him for one weekend. No moral dilemma - your wedding, if your friends aren't coming, hers definitely won't be!

DD is not married or engaged, but has been with her partner for years. I can’t imagine under what circumstance her brother would not invite her partner to his wedding! Mumsnet is so odd sometimes; one minute it’s fine to have numerous children without the need to be married ( which is fine), the next you can’t even qualify as a wedding guest because you are not engaged or married.

Anyway, they might both dodge a bullet if they avoid the ‘small, intimate moments’. Cringe.

sharing small, intimate moments.

It’s a wedding, not an orgy.

I was only with my now husband 3 months at the time of his brothers wedding. I did say I didn't expect an invite because I was so new to the family but my husband who was best man wanted me there so I was invited. I think it's your shout at the end of the day but your sibling might not be too pleased their partner isn't invited. Is one extra person a lot more in terms of cost?

I think it would be seen as a snub and YABU on 2 fronts really.
I think it’s unfair to deny her a plus one, she’s a close family member not a more distant member of a friendship group. Also if it’s a small wedding there won’t be lots of other friends to keep her company so it will be really obvious.

Also it’s not a recent thing they have been together quite a long period so an established relationship and it’s a bit arbitrary to say if you’re engaged you’re invited but if not you aren’t.

Your sil will be in your in law family group and any future children will be your niece/nephews and your children’s cousins. Whether the relationship continues or not she may never forgive you.

Are you willing to sacrifice your future relations with the in laws for the price of a wedding meal ?

YABU.

You don't get to decide how 'serious' their relationship is – and cohabiting and/or marriage is no arbiter of that anyway.

"Not even a fiancé" jesus wept. I know right now you think marriage is the be-all and end-all but not everyone feels that way - you say they've been together years - it's not like this relationship is a flash in the pan.

Either you're inviting siblings and partners, or you're just inviting siblings.

To effectively say "We're only inviting siblings partners who meet our criterior for being worthy to be considered as part of the family, and sorry, but you don't make the grade." that's just horrible.

Mind you, it sounds like they're not overly keen on hanging out with you anyway, so quite possibly you could invite them safe in the knowledge they'll decline.

it’s a bit arbitrary to say if you’re engaged you’re invited but if not you aren’t

This, 100%!

OP, what intimate moments are you talking about? You sound both ridiculous and hard work

I’m afraid I agree. Very OTT.

Why won't your DF just ask their sibling if they want their partner invited or not?

I fear inviting them would be quite intense - going from never really seeing/speaking to suddenly spending several nights away together, sharing small, intimate moments. They don't really know anything about us and may also feel very awkward coming but likely would feel bad not coming etc.

What 'small, intimate moments'? What could it possibly be that would be so awful to have this partner of FOUR years at? Not only do I think it's incredibly rude to even consider not inviting this person, it beggars belief that they don't appear to be deemed good enough because they're 'not even engaged'. Who the hell cares? DH and I were together for 10 years before we got engaged.

Leaving someone out like this is just really horrible.

Either invite both siblings and their partners or don't invite either partner. It would be mean to leave one out.
How would you feel if it was you who was excluded?

Yabu, horrible to leave a long standing partner out.

YABU, this is so mean. They’ve been together for quite a while, it isn’t a new relationship. You can’t exclude them unless you want to lose the respect of your sibling.