To not invite DF's sibling's partner to our wedding?

[xela21]

DF & I are having a very small COVID-friendly wedding soon. As we didn't know what the rules etc would be and having already postponed once we decided on having a quiet, intimate do. A mini break/wedding weekend away for bride, groom, both sets of parents, only living grandparent, and siblings on both sides. We each have 1 sibling. My sibling & partner are engaged, we have spent considerably more time with and speak to/see often. DF's sibling and partner have probably also been together for a similar duration of time but I could count on one hand the number of times we have seen or spoken to them, the last time being I think about 3 years ago. They do not live together/not engaged etc.

AIBU to not invite their partner? No beef here, just don't really know them at all. The most time we have spent together was 1 family meal 3 years ago. No contact since. DF's sibling doesn't speak to us much/let alone talk about DP.

I am struggling with the moral dilemma - to keep things simple we are not even having very close friend (all very understanding, and will celebrate with separately). It just doesn't feel right to have basically a stranger at our very intimate do when close friends aren't even there especially given its not just a quick event (several days away). We are ofc paying for everyone's meal/accom etc, money is not the issue here just want to do the right thing without it feeling too awkward.

AIBU?

Extremely rude not to invite them imo

You don't get to decide how 'serious' their relationship is – and cohabiting and/or marriage is no arbiter of that anyway.

@whycantwegoonasthree They do get to decide when it’s their wedding they’re inviting people to.

We didn’t have unmarried couples at our wedding who weren’t engaged. They fall into two categories: the relationship is young and therefore we didn’t know the other person well, or the relationship is long and they haven’t committed to each other, so wouldn’t understand the importance of a marriage.

Being married or engaged does not mean your relationship is any more solid than those who aren't married or engaged. For goodness sake it's not 1950.
You said yourself they've been together as long as your sibling has been with their partner. Why don't you use it as a way to get to know the partner?
Or just don't invite them and always be that person who snubbed them because their relationship wasn't secure enough for an invite

they haven’t committed to each other, so wouldn’t understand the importance of a marriage. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

My brother told me he had a girlfriend a week before the wedding. She was immediately invited and placed with family. It was a brand new relationship. They stayed together for 5 years and we got on well. I'm glad I didn't judge her importance of an invite by how long she had been with my brother

What does your DF's sib think? Surely the easiest thing to do would be for him just to ask her what she's thinks?! "Hi Sis! Looking forward to seeing you for the wedding. We're thinking it might be a bit intense for [boyf] with the whole family for 3 days, what do you reckon?" And then invite or not based on what she says?

It always amazes me when people say they aren't engaged or living together so no need to invite them. Would it be ok to invite a siblings partner if they had moved in after 6 weeks and not another siblings partner if they had been in a relationship for 3 years but living independently? If both siblings are in long term relationships you either invite both partners or no partners

@emilyfrost

You don't get to decide how 'serious' their relationship is – and cohabiting and/or marriage is no arbiter of that anyway.

@whycantwegoonasthree They do get to decide when it’s their wedding they’re inviting people to.

We didn’t have unmarried couples at our wedding who weren’t engaged. They fall into two categories: the relationship is young and therefore we didn’t know the other person well, or the relationship is long and they haven’t committed to each other, so wouldn’t understand the importance of a marriage.

They don't get to decide whether someone else's relationship is serious or not, no. Getting married isn't an excuse to be judgemental, high handed and rude.

They can of course choose who to invite. Their question was "AIBU" - and yes, they very clearly are. (As were you.)

You do realise that you can be completely committed to someone without feeling the need or obligation to marry them, right?

And a person can understand that marriage is important to other people and be happy for them, and yet equally know that it's not something they would consider for themselves?

But looking past the end of their own nose is clearly too difficult for some.

The thing is that sharing small, intimate moments will be a lot more awkward if only one person doesn't have their partner there. Small and intimate is third wheel central.

And as usual, trust @emilyfrost to come along and insult people.

My cousin has a long-term partner who has been there since she was 15 as a friend, then as a partner. I never see my exH.

I am not married @emilyfrost.

I can assure you we are both very committed have been together nearly 30 years, far longer than many marriages last.
Plenty of people I know are the same. Most people view marriage as a legal contract ensuring some sort of financial security for the partners rather than a romantic til death do us part thing. Commitment to a relationship isn't governed by signing a marriage certificate

Perhaps we ought to just invite and leave the ball in their court?

Yes, this.

Being the only person whose partner is not invited is really not a good feeling. Inviting them and letting them choose whether they accept is obvs. The right thing to do.

@emilyfrost

I honestly hope your criterion is just some kind of misplaced joke. It's really not up to you to judge someone else's commitment.

It’s a wedding, not an orgy

As you want to invite the sibling (whom you rarely see), I'd suggest you definitely invite the partner (whom none of you really know). The pair of them will amuse each other and the rest of you won't have to entertain either "stranger". GL with the wedding plans.

I got flamed on here for only inviting my cousins partner to my reception (not whole day) after having only met him once.
So good luck!

For me, it's either all partners or none. It's not like she's with him a wet week. I wouldn't be happy if my partner of 4 years wasn't invited but someone else's, of the same duration, was.

DP could ask their sibling whether they actually want an invite for their partner. This wold involve a conversation, not a load of text messages which can be misinterpreted.
I think there may be a reason why sibling doesn't bring their girlfriend/boyfriend to family events- maybe they are not heading towards engagement/living together, maybe there are other issues.
DP should just say that you will be sending out invites shortly for this event, explain the long family weekend thing, and ask them do they want to bring bf/gf.( I don't actually think partner is necessarily the right terminology here, and it may actually muddy the waters.) Then you can go with whatever sibling wants.

Of course you invite them. If / when they get married would you mind being excluded? I think its rude when wedding invites discriminate between married/ engaged and LTR partners.

how about you and dp have an equal number of guest choices each, and since thats his side of the family, it should be up to him if he chooses to invite some people singly instead of as couples and deal with any fall-out that causes rather than you.

if you do decide to not invite one half of a couple then you have to accept that theres a high chance theyll decline, and if its family, a reasonable chance that it will cause hard feeling. You might get away with it due to covid restrictions, but its really up to your dp to work out his guest list

You keep mentioning intimate moments. What intimate moments?!
YABU to invite your sibling’s partner but not your DPs. They’ve been together 4 years not 4 months.

I just re-read that you are having an event over several days. This is kind of unreasonable if you expect the sibling to take this time off without their partner. I think you havent really thought this through.

or the relationship is long and they haven’t committed to each other, so wouldn’t understand the importance of a marriage are you deeply religious @emilyfrost

@Howshouldibehave

sharing small, intimate moment

It’s a wedding, you’re not inviting them to watch you have a dump!

I think it would be massively bitchy and a big snub not to invite them. How would you feel if they got married and didn’t invite you because she hasn’t seen you much over the last 3 years?

Hahaha I was going to say,

You are aware that we don’t have the wedding guests witness the consummation?

Ask DF sibling if they would like partner to attend.. Explaining that trying to keep numbers low, close contacts and haven't really had time to build up a relationship with his partner but dont want to cause an issue.

There answer will likely give you an idea if DF sibling sees the person as a long term partner or not... If does will likely invite