To not invite DF's sibling's partner to our wedding?

[xela21]

DF & I are having a very small COVID-friendly wedding soon. As we didn't know what the rules etc would be and having already postponed once we decided on having a quiet, intimate do. A mini break/wedding weekend away for bride, groom, both sets of parents, only living grandparent, and siblings on both sides. We each have 1 sibling. My sibling & partner are engaged, we have spent considerably more time with and speak to/see often. DF's sibling and partner have probably also been together for a similar duration of time but I could count on one hand the number of times we have seen or spoken to them, the last time being I think about 3 years ago. They do not live together/not engaged etc.

AIBU to not invite their partner? No beef here, just don't really know them at all. The most time we have spent together was 1 family meal 3 years ago. No contact since. DF's sibling doesn't speak to us much/let alone talk about DP.

I am struggling with the moral dilemma - to keep things simple we are not even having very close friend (all very understanding, and will celebrate with separately). It just doesn't feel right to have basically a stranger at our very intimate do when close friends aren't even there especially given its not just a quick event (several days away). We are ofc paying for everyone's meal/accom etc, money is not the issue here just want to do the right thing without it feeling too awkward.

AIBU?

How do you ever expect to get to know them then? It would be really mean and quite pointed to not invite them. Would you be happy if they got married and to be the only one not invited?

Invite them both, it’s a snub otherwise.

@titchy

Wow. Yes of course yabu. That's quite nasty, to leave your fiancé's sister on her own.

Completely agree. How awful! Op if you do this you will be causing drama when there needs to be none.

I hate it when people get left out. It's not on.

Just invite him, it doesn’t sound hugely likely he will come.

Have a lovely wedding.

It’s incredibly rude.

Look at it this way, if it was your fiancé’s sister getting married and you were not invited how would you feel ? Shitty probably.

Surprised at the responses suggesting as your fiancé’s sister is not engaged or
Living with her partner that some how invalidates their relationship many many couples are in long term commitment relationships and are not married, engaged or living together.

@GreenClock - absolutely if we had the scope to invite friends then ofc no issues at all with sibling's DP.

As I say, its "close family only" and hence why it feels uncomfortable.

@Notaroadrunner Sorry, DF has seen his sibling in the past 3 years just not their DP. We have all spent many a christmases together etc, said partner has never been there.

@ThatIsMyPotato yes that is probably a good idea.

@Hadalifeonce have been with DF for almost 10 years and know the in-laws to be really well! all get on well. DF's siblings DP is newer on the scene and as they dont live together etc or for whatever reason have met DF's sibling (without partner) on many occasions usually at DF's parents place.

I think it would be really rude not to invite them.

Chances are they won't come along anyway though, if their partner generally doesn't bring them along to things anyway.
But you should still invite them.

Yabu. I don't see my sil partner often and they don't live together and are not engaged but he is her long term partner and would be invited to any family event.

I suggested asking before sending invites so that partner doesn't see it and insist on coming if DH's sister would rather they didnt.

My partner (of 4 years) & I will not be living together till our kids leave school, & hopefully go to uni. It's financially better for us for a few reasons, plus we didn't want our young teens to have to cope with a patchwork family. However, we very much see ouselves as a family unit. I don't see his family much, because he doesn't either. But I have always been invited to events (the few there were before Covid). . And we would both be hurt if I wasn't.
Your family could take this opportunity to get to know the siblings partner, rather than ostraciding the partner, & upsetting them both.
Just because they are not engaged, married or living together doesn't mean they aren't a family unit, when it's a long term relationship.

If her partner hasn't turned up to loads of other family occasions, then no, I wouldn't be inclined to invite them. You could explain to DP's sister that it's not a snub, you just don't know them. I think that's entirely reasonable. Like you said, you'd rather have close friends.

They've been together for four YEARS!!?? That's longer than I'd known my husband when we got married! They're obviously not just a flash in the pan (regardless of them not being engaged or living together). If they had been together for four weeks then you might have had more of a leg to stand on, but if your fiance doesn't invite his sibling's partner of nearly half a decade to his wedding (but does invite the sibling) then I would imagine offence will be taken and feelings very hurt. Because it would be a massive snub - especially when your sibling's partner is invited, because that's the equivalent relationship.

If your reasoning is that you don't know them very well then you shouldn't invite your DF's sibling either, but your actual invite criterion is "close family only" not "people we know the best". Why not go with the latter instead, have parents, grandparent, siblings and two best friends? Or postpone until you can invite whomever you like as suggested by a PP, although I appreciate you may prefer to get married sooner.

P.S. Don't worry about the small intimate moments thing. Unless you mean that you plan on getting jiggy in front of your guests then distant guests at a wedding are usually pleased to be there in a respectful and appreciative manner, like Prince Phillip's relatives at his funeral. They were invited to respect his side of the family and accepted the invitations thus. I've been a (married) plus one at one of my husband's university friend's weddings (pre-COVID). I had maybe met the couple twice, the guy perhaps a little more but when we got together my husband mostly just carried on seeing him with the group of (male) friends they both had in common. I remember we all went to a sporting event together in a bigger group. I'm not sure how many times my husband had met his friend's fiancee. It was a small wedding, around 30 people at the ceremony. I sat with my husband, made polite conversation with his friends during the photographs and chatted with one of their girlfriends who I had never met before (I guess their invitation criterion was "friends plus other halves"). We made friends with the fiancées friends at dinner as we were on the same table. I think I was included in the "everybody" photo but not the photo of the couple with the groom's mates (including my husband) which I thought was totally fine and normal. Most weddings have a few people present who aren't well known to the couple (we had my mum's best friend's new husband at ours, I'd never met him because they got married later in life and lived abroad).

It won't be awkward if they do come, but it'll be massively awkward if you don't invite them, would be my advice.

I guess the thing is if you do exclude them and they get engaged, you couldn't be annoyed if they don't invite your husband. So as long as you're happy with that potential that's alright. I'd invite the partner, it's not short term if it's been a few years, it's an established relationship.

Rude not to invite the partner, but they probably won't come anyway.
Just invite and see what happens.

If you having guests at a wedding you need to consider the comfort of your guests and in this case how your sil is going to feel about her partner not being invited when your sibling's partner is. Otherwise don't have guests.

You have to invite him.

People came to my wedding who I'd never met before because they were the partner of someone we wanted to be there.

I know people say it's your day do what you want. But the way I look at it is I will enjoy the day more if all my guests are happy and comfortable. If having my guests happy and comfortable means allowing them to bring their partner then so be it.

Invite them both and if he's as much of a stranger as you say, he might not come anyway.

sharing small, intimate moment

It’s a wedding, you’re not inviting them to watch you have a dump!

I think it would be massively bitchy and a big snub not to invite them. How would you feel if they got married and didn’t invite you because she hasn’t seen you much over the last 3 years?

Discuss it with sibling and see how they feel about it.

I agree, ask the sibling whether they'd like to bring the partner. If yes, then include them.

'It’s a wedding, you’re not inviting them to watch you have a dump! '

😂😂🤣

Just invite them. If they felt that they’d be uncomfortable they’d just not come.

@xela21

To clarify: DP and in-laws have also spent very little time with DP's sibling's partner. DP also not sure what the right thing to do is.

Perhaps we ought to just invite and leave the ball in their court? That's probably what I am leaning towards but feel quite awkward about it.

If you don't you will be incredibly rude.

You might actually find that you like them...

I agree with others - you invite both partners or neither.

On the basis that DF's sister's partner hasn't been to many family events in the past, there's surely a strong possibility that they won't want to come anyway ... but still polite to invite them.

Your wedding is only intimate in the sense of not having many people there - not that what you will be doing is extremely private!

I think you’re likely to cause a rift by not inviting them and is that something you want realistically?

Either invite them, or your partner should ask his sister whether she would like to bring him before you send the invitations. It's not up to you to judge someone else's relationship. And having to have someone you don't know that well is sometimes necessary to make sure your guests are happy.
The fact that it's a whole weekend makes it more important really. I would happily go to a one day wedding without my partner but would feel weird to be the only person partner less for a whole weekend.