AIBU for putting her in her place?

[DrJPuddleDuck]

AIBU to think I got the better of this office bully?

Colleague (slightly senior to me) has always been a bit ‘off’ with me, lots of subtle undermining, but nothing I could really put my finger on. More recently though, I was offered promotion in another company (I believe a company they have admired for a while) to a position more senior than her. Perhaps understandably, I don’t think they liked this. I am currently working my notice period.

Anyhow, around three weeks ago, my manager called me in to discuss an error in my work. It was indeed an error/oversight, which I immediately corrected and apologised for. It didn’t thankfully, but it could have gotten me in a lot of trouble. My manager also informed me that “a colleague” had bought this to his attention. I was hurt by this, as I would have spoken to any one of my colleagues first, not least because it was clearly an oversight that was so easily corrected. I immediately suspected this person, but obviously had no proof, which made me suspicious of all my colleagues and really affected me. I discussed the situation again with my manager last week and said how it was affecting me, as I couldn’t understand why whoever had spoken to him, didn’t just speak to me first. I said I felt like I’d been to thrown under the bus. In response to this, my manager informed me (perhaps inappropriately) that it was the colleague I had suspected originally who had spoken to them. For context, this colleague would never have seen this error if they hadn’t been going through my work, as it was not a piece of work they were involved in.

Yesterday I saw this colleague, who wasn’t expecting to see me (as we often work in different offices). She couldn’t very well turn around and walk out, so sat down, but looked extremely awkward and avoided eye contact with me. We were alone in the office which likely made it worse for her. I asked how she was, and got short responses. I then suddenly got this urge to not let her win and to let her know that I knew what she’d done (very unlike me!!) I said “oh, I hope you don’t mind me mentioning it, but (manager) let me know that you reported me for X. I just wanted to thank you SO much for letting (manager) know, or otherwise the error might have gone undetected”. She looked horrified, but it felt so good! Not only does she now know that I know, but she also knows our manager (who presumably she was trying to undermine me in front of) has betrayed her trust and it’s not got me in the trouble she was clearly hoping for. She also must have known that I was being passive-aggressive in thanking her, even though I said it smiling. I leave next week and feel like I’ve won the war.

AIBU to feel proud of myself? Part of me thinks I might regret embarrassing her at some point!

The need for drama on Mumsnet seems to be spiralling and, yes, to pathologise behaviour and to use threads as a way to get your own emotional needs met. I'm finding it increasingly unsettling.

@DrSbaitso

people on the internet are defending them but don't even know why!

Er, they know exactly why. You would too if you'd actually read the posts that covered it. She might have thought going anonymously through the manager to get the error corrected would avoid a nasty confrontation or accusations of bullying since she and OP don't get on, she might have been following protocol at that particular workplace, she might be scared of OP and consider herself the victim. We don't know for sure, but they're all very plausible reasons that have been laid out. There is definitely another side to this story.

You may have missed half the discussion but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

No, what I mean is that we are reading a redacted, third hand version of an event, which might or might not be true.

I think you're kind of over-egging the pudding at the same time as trying to criticise someone else for not taking it word for word.

So all that its possible to do is to have generalised discussions on what we think is the likely cause of this issue. No-one is really more or less likely to be wrong than another.

I probably would have rubbed a bit more salt in and been like " hopefully I don't make similar mistakes in my new job oh did you know I've been offered a job at such a place in this senior position, feels like a dream" or something like that haha well done op, it's the small victories sometimes but I hope your manager doesn't get into trouble.

OP I thought it was good that you said something and I’m proud of you even if no one else is 😂 I’m a worrier myself and I know how much it would have taken you to say that to her

Well done. I think I would have also asked directly why they didn't just let you know instead of going to the manager. I hate people that are always trying to put others in a bad light, it's usually the types that are crap at their job, so try and shift the spotlight onto others.

I'm still stuck on "a bit off" translating to "bully"

Couldn't be that you work with someone who doesn't like you (and we're not to know whether that is justified or not) and you just had to go out 'on top' for some reason.

Pretty cringey PA attempt really, makes me wonder WHY she is a 'bit off' with you if anything

@FanniynLlani

I rarely post because usually everyone has already said it better than me, but I'm quite amazed that you are not getting more supportive comments for standing up for yourself, and not bullying in return, or doing anything sly, or damaging to others. I am in awe that you held your dignity, let the cowbag know that you saw her, did it in such a graceful way that she had no comeback - and that you actually did it in real time rather than thinking what you could have said later. Standing up for myself is something I find hard, it makes me shake and feel sick, so this resonates powerfully with my experience of being bullied.

@FanniynLlani But she didn't stand up for herself.

That's the point.

She let the colleague win, and thanked her.

Well done OP I too have also had a similar situation and for once it felt good to stand up for myself...good luck in your new post.

Given OP's last defiant, in denial, and blissfully socially inept post, it is not out of the realms of possibility that she is the bully and the colleague is the victim.

@Beline4u a proper complaints procedure, an investigation and mediation.

No-one is really more or less likely to be wrong than another.

No, but if this woman was a genuine bully then it's likely that OP would have a little more to say about about colleague than the fact that she 'a bit off.' Also, as PP have said, it would have been far worse for the OP if the colleague had just left the mistake to get the OP in trouble. Actually, it looks like the colleague has spoken to a manager who is obviously sympathetic to the OP and likes her, so it looks even less like troublemaking than needing to get a potentially serious error corrected.

what I mean is that we are reading a redacted, third hand version of an event, which might or might not be true.

This is true, but applies equally to both "sides", so it doesn't invalidate those of us who think there may be more going on any more than it does the "you go girl, show that bitch" cheerleaders. If anything, the ones applying some critical thought to OP as an unreliable narrator (by which I do not mean preposterous leaps that diagnose colleague with personality disorders, decide she invented the error or project their own grievances from elsewhere) are more likely to get nearer the truth.

Offices can be like a playground ...where bullies need to be stood up to. I think l would have done the same . We’re not doormats .

I'm intrigued at how many people think there's any "winning" and "standing up for yourself" when you fucked up and your enemy saved you, in such a way that you didn't suffer any public loss of face.

How is that not a win for her? And possibly an opportunity for reflection for you?

@DrJPuddleDuck

Ah, never mind. Maybe it’s a non-story. I feel proud of myself though. I don’t normally stand up for myself and I should just leave it there probably without boring all of you with it!

OP, I get it, I'm not confrontational by nature so I would find this an achievement too. You made her feel really awkward, that's a win definitely! Good on you.

someone who could easily talk to you about a mistake decides to go to management first is a dickhead.

On the one occasion This happened I went and spoke to the colleague and asked if she could let me know first and I'd rectify. And I'd do the same for her. Got a profuse apology.

Too many people try and undermine others for absolutely no reason and it's terrible behaviour

@CokeDrinker

Given OP's last defiant, in denial, and blissfully socially inept post, it is not out of the realms of possibility that she is the bully and the colleague is the victim.

I looked through the OP's post to find this "social ineptitude" and found nothing of the sort. All the OP has regularly said is that she is poor at standing up for herself. That doesn't sound like "social ineptitude" to me (which is a horrible thing to say to anyone) but simply something that many struggle with.

The OP also said that another colleague has left due to being bullied by the same colleague that she confronted, and that her alleged failing was a missing email attachment to a client. There for the grace of God go all of us.

I'd still be horrified if a colleague went running off to report me to a manager for that, not lest because its the client that counts and a simple reminder that the attachment should now be forwarded saves time for everyone. I would almost certainly peg that colleague as being out to cause trouble, and if we were at the same level, I might well ask them why they hadn't reminded me of the missing attachment instead of reporting me to a manager. You kniw - teamwork, working together in a team, etc.

someone who could easily talk to you about a mistake decides to go to management first is a dickhead.

But clearly these two can't easily talk to each other, as evidenced by OP's own inability to have an honest conversation about what had annoyed her.

If I spotted an error made by someone whose communication style was insincere and passive aggressively combative, I might just take it confidentially to the manager too. Then it could be sorted out quietly with no public embarrassment or risk of an ugly scene. Or so you'd think!

People are saying the colleague was a trouble maker, but OP could have just corrected the error, been silently glad, and left it, no drama. She's the one who attempted to make a scene to "get the better" of someone else.

Oh come on, I can’t believe that anyone think a missing email attachment is something to go to the OP’s manager amount. If this colleague really did find the OP unapproachable, why not simply write a memo and put it on the relevant file, highlighting the relevant correspondence?

She could also have sent an email to the OP about it, so there’s a clear record that she told her about the missing attachment.

I’ve worked as a legal secretary in the past, and that’s how such oversights were handled.

I can totally relate to this thread. I was in a similar situation with a colleague and she did all she could to undermine me. it got so that I had to take a detour to get to my office in the morning so I didn't have to pass hers, as she would inevitably call me for something trivial - just a power wind up for her. I guess you could say she won that as she actually left before I could summon up the courage to tell her what I thought. Incidentally it wasn't just me she undermined but over 50% of the rest of the staff. If you're reading this Pam have a bad life!!

Those worrying about the OP getting the Manager into trouble with HR. The Manager did that all by himself by telling the OP who had brought it to his attention. He shouldn’t have even told her it was a colleague who spotted the mistake in the first place, just that a mistake had been identified. OP would’ve been non the wiser. That’s poor management. The Manager has brought any repercussions, on himself.

Those suggesting that the colleague in question, may have been too scared to go talk to the OP about the error and that’s why she went to the Manager. Did you miss the part where the OP said that this colleague has nothing to do with her work and had no reason or business looking at her work? Why was this colleague looking at the OP’s work in the first place?

The OP knows the dynamics of her workplace better than us and if she feels this person is usually not a very nice person and someone who bullies, then I’m not sure why so many are trying to so fiercely defend this colleagues actions, when they know nothing about her other than what the OP has told us. Lots of negativity towards the OP, however a lot of ‘kind assumptions’ being made about the colleague, with absolutely no substance 🙄

Why was this colleague looking at the OP’s work in the first place?

There's an internal email audit system. Presumably for this kind of thing. Lucky for OP, right?

I’m not sure why so many are trying to so fiercely defend this colleagues actions, when they know nothing about her other than what the OP has told us.

Precisely because we know nothing about her other than what the OP has told us...

Well done OP..

good luck in your new role 🌸