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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for putting her in her place?

326 replies

DrJPuddleDuck · 07/05/2021 22:36

AIBU to think I got the better of this office bully?

Colleague (slightly senior to me) has always been a bit ‘off’ with me, lots of subtle undermining, but nothing I could really put my finger on. More recently though, I was offered promotion in another company (I believe a company they have admired for a while) to a position more senior than her. Perhaps understandably, I don’t think they liked this. I am currently working my notice period.

Anyhow, around three weeks ago, my manager called me in to discuss an error in my work. It was indeed an error/oversight, which I immediately corrected and apologised for. It didn’t thankfully, but it could have gotten me in a lot of trouble. My manager also informed me that “a colleague” had bought this to his attention. I was hurt by this, as I would have spoken to any one of my colleagues first, not least because it was clearly an oversight that was so easily corrected. I immediately suspected this person, but obviously had no proof, which made me suspicious of all my colleagues and really affected me. I discussed the situation again with my manager last week and said how it was affecting me, as I couldn’t understand why whoever had spoken to him, didn’t just speak to me first. I said I felt like I’d been to thrown under the bus. In response to this, my manager informed me (perhaps inappropriately) that it was the colleague I had suspected originally who had spoken to them. For context, this colleague would never have seen this error if they hadn’t been going through my work, as it was not a piece of work they were involved in.

Yesterday I saw this colleague, who wasn’t expecting to see me (as we often work in different offices). She couldn’t very well turn around and walk out, so sat down, but looked extremely awkward and avoided eye contact with me. We were alone in the office which likely made it worse for her. I asked how she was, and got short responses. I then suddenly got this urge to not let her win and to let her know that I knew what she’d done (very unlike me!!) I said “oh, I hope you don’t mind me mentioning it, but (manager) let me know that you reported me for X. I just wanted to thank you SO much for letting (manager) know, or otherwise the error might have gone undetected”. She looked horrified, but it felt so good! Not only does she now know that I know, but she also knows our manager (who presumably she was trying to undermine me in front of) has betrayed her trust and it’s not got me in the trouble she was clearly hoping for. She also must have known that I was being passive-aggressive in thanking her, even though I said it smiling. I leave next week and feel like I’ve won the war.

AIBU to feel proud of myself? Part of me thinks I might regret embarrassing her at some point!

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 09/05/2021 18:04

@Matildalamp

I think anyone who doesn’t understand how good you feel about this, hasn’t had to deal with a work bully. They make things miserable, it’s not just office politics, they can damage mental and physical health. Good for you, OP!
I really dislike the idea that anyone who isn't impressed by a useless insincere PA remark that achieves the square root of fuck all (except for displaying OP's ongoing inability to own anything she does) hasn't experienced workplace bullying. Do you think there is no other way to handle it? And that that might be precisely why we're unimpressed with this?
ToniHargis · 09/05/2021 18:15

Not sure what was sly or Machiavellian about what you did. You let her know that you knew what she'd done. Why shouldn't you? She went around you and snitched like a 10 year old. You didn't accuse her of anything, you didn't call her names, you merely pointed out what she'd done.
Sounds like there's something going on between her and your manager but that's not your problem, and maybe the snitcher might learn a lesson from this.

Matildalamp · 09/05/2021 18:18

One thing that amazes me about MN is the ability of posters to read a massive back story into a post that contains nothing that supports their interpretation!

See @DrSbaitso’s “OP's ongoing inability to own anything she does” Hmm

BorderlineHappy · 09/05/2021 18:20

Are you sure @DrJPuddleDuck your nemesis didnt create the mistake.
Seems convenient she found a mistake in your work that she shouldnt have been looking at.

Also liked the way you said it with a smile.She cant accuse you of anything.

And if the collegue was worried about the op,the normal thing would have went to her about it.But instead went straight to the boss,hoping to get the op in trouble.

Chichiboo · 09/05/2021 18:21

Is your manager providing your reference for the new job?

Purpl · 09/05/2021 18:21

Well done. I hope it boosts your confidence a bit for your nee job. I’ve been badly bullied and undermined at work so know exactly how you feel.

Passenger42 · 09/05/2021 18:21

Just forget about it and move on as you might need your old boss as a reference in the future

Ussernayme · 09/05/2021 18:24

She went around you and snitched like a 10 year old.

Once again. It's perfectly normal and professional to report a mistake to a manager. The OP said herself that the mistake could have got her into serious trouble. Likelihood is then that it's a mistake that needed to be rectified urgently. The OP never said that this woman bullied her, rather that there was something she 'couldn't put her finger on.' But I imagine the colleague knew that the OP didn't like her and thought it best not to approach her directly, something that may have looked far more like bullying than using the proper channels. I think that many of the posters here who are congratulating OP are thinking of their own experiences of office bullying and not looking at what the OP has actually said.

LizzieW1969 · 09/05/2021 18:25

The OP said that her manager has already given her a glowing reference leading to a more senior post in a different department. So all is well for her going forwards.

Wheresthetimegone · 09/05/2021 18:25

Good on you op, she was trying to be sneaky and cause trouble.
I absolutely agree, why on earth didn't she approach you first.
She might think twice about trying to drop somebody in it next time.

I was a manager for 20+ years and there's many ways to skin a cat. I wonder whether your manager already had some issues with her and she was being 'strategic' in letting you know who'd been "telling tales"

The manager would much prefer 'issues' to be sorted at the first point rather than being escalated.

Beline4u · 09/05/2021 18:27

It pisses me off when bullies aren't held accountable, they just seem to get worse! I think you did a good job, while you both were alone and although passive, you got a point across, basically f you!

DrSbaitso · 09/05/2021 18:28

All you "go girl, you sure showed her, high five!" people...

Why would you not have just said to the colleague, "I understand that you're the one who reported my mistake to the boss. Thank you for spotting it, but was there a reason you didn't talk to me about it?"

If you're so keen on standing up for yourself and putting that bitch in her place, why wouldn't you do that? What are you scared of?

DrSbaitso · 09/05/2021 18:31

@Matildalamp

One thing that amazes me about MN is the ability of posters to read a massive back story into a post that contains nothing that supports their interpretation!

See @DrSbaitso’s “OP's ongoing inability to own anything she does” Hmm

But she didn't own it. That's the point. She's pissed off because her error was brought to the boss, but when talking to the colleague about it, she pretended that she was grateful. She deliberately engineered an insincere conversation to try to avoid being confronted over what she was really trying to do.

It's nothing to do with any back story. It's the absolute facts of the encounter. If OP was so brave and so ready to stand her ground, why didn't she have an honest and open discussion?

WeightyMama · 09/05/2021 18:35

@Wheresthetimegone

Good on you op, she was trying to be sneaky and cause trouble. I absolutely agree, why on earth didn't she approach you first. She might think twice about trying to drop somebody in it next time.

I was a manager for 20+ years and there's many ways to skin a cat. I wonder whether your manager already had some issues with her and she was being 'strategic' in letting you know who'd been "telling tales"

The manager would much prefer 'issues' to be sorted at the first point rather than being escalated.

Do you really think this is good management @Wheresthetimegone? As a manage myself I don’t at all. I think it’s really unprofessional to discuss such a complaint. Sometimes you need to address who has made the complaint. In this case, she didn’t. Plus the OP was leaving so she had no reason to know. I think this is piss poor management skills.
Lndnmummy · 09/05/2021 18:36

I don’t think you did put her in her place. The smiling and thanking is something she can easily distort in her head that again, you were incapable of doing her work and that you are so thankful she told tales on you...
I’d have said “oh manager mentioned the error. All sorted now. Manager and I also agreed it would have been better if you’d spoken to me directly. It’s a little odd that you didn’t. Obviously no big deal for me as I’m leaving but just so you know for next time that manager would have preferred you sorting with the team directly.

MintyMabel · 09/05/2021 18:37

For context, this colleague would never have seen this error if they hadn’t been going through my work, as it was not a piece of work they were involved in.

As well they did, given there was an error in it.

Lndnmummy · 09/05/2021 18:40

As a line manager this sort of tit for tat is getting on my nerves, it’s really unproductive and sorts a time killer.

Mary46 · 09/05/2021 18:42

I do think the colleague was a bit sneaky how she did it. I dont miss office politics since I left it.

Supergirl1958 · 09/05/2021 18:53

@Matildalamp

I think anyone who doesn’t understand how good you feel about this, hasn’t had to deal with a work bully. They make things miserable, it’s not just office politics, they can damage mental and physical health. Good for you, OP!
💯!! I’ve been in a similar situation myself at work! The bully left not long ago and I’ve felt relieved ever since! If I felt strong enough or ever had the opportunity to, then I would have stood up for myself to her! About 3 weeks before she left she yelled at me quite publicly for being in ‘her area’ despite it being public domain, then slammed a door! I would have persued a complaint but for her leaving weeks later! Rumour has it she’s quit her new job after a few days... karma has ways and means!!
Deedyn · 09/05/2021 19:01

As she should not have been going through your work, she was clearly looking to stir up trouble as it was!

Good for you OP!

Bullies need to learn.

Beline4u · 09/05/2021 19:02

@WeightyMama what actually happens to the office bully?

Mollymoostoo · 09/05/2021 19:07

I love the way you told the person, almost thanking her for identifying the mistake you made whilst she would have known full well you were being ironic.
I hope your new job goes well.

lovemelovemydogs · 09/05/2021 19:22

I think your response was perfect. You didn’t demean her but you let her know that you know and that she hasn’t achieved her objective. Congratulations on your promotion.

GreyhoundG1rl · 09/05/2021 19:26

@Barbie222

Either I've missed something because it was such a long op or I'm just being dense because I'm tired but I honestly can't see how you've put your colleague in her place or how you've won some kind of war.

I agree with this I'm afraid. I think I feel sorry for your manager most out of this. You both sound petty and difficult.

Second this. God knows what op thinks she's won when she'd made an error that could have gotten her in a load of trouble and the colleague pointed it out to their mutual supervisor. Let's hope it's not included in your reference, op, or your colleague will be having the last laugh after all.
LizzieW1969 · 09/05/2021 19:30

Let's hope it's not included in your reference, op, or your colleague will be having the last laugh after all.

The OP already has the new job, so that won’t be happening. Apparently she saw the reference and it was a glowing one. So that isn’t something she needs to worry about (which might be a disappointment to you Grin).