AIBU for putting her in her place?

[DrJPuddleDuck]

AIBU to think I got the better of this office bully?

Colleague (slightly senior to me) has always been a bit ‘off’ with me, lots of subtle undermining, but nothing I could really put my finger on. More recently though, I was offered promotion in another company (I believe a company they have admired for a while) to a position more senior than her. Perhaps understandably, I don’t think they liked this. I am currently working my notice period.

Anyhow, around three weeks ago, my manager called me in to discuss an error in my work. It was indeed an error/oversight, which I immediately corrected and apologised for. It didn’t thankfully, but it could have gotten me in a lot of trouble. My manager also informed me that “a colleague” had bought this to his attention. I was hurt by this, as I would have spoken to any one of my colleagues first, not least because it was clearly an oversight that was so easily corrected. I immediately suspected this person, but obviously had no proof, which made me suspicious of all my colleagues and really affected me. I discussed the situation again with my manager last week and said how it was affecting me, as I couldn’t understand why whoever had spoken to him, didn’t just speak to me first. I said I felt like I’d been to thrown under the bus. In response to this, my manager informed me (perhaps inappropriately) that it was the colleague I had suspected originally who had spoken to them. For context, this colleague would never have seen this error if they hadn’t been going through my work, as it was not a piece of work they were involved in.

Yesterday I saw this colleague, who wasn’t expecting to see me (as we often work in different offices). She couldn’t very well turn around and walk out, so sat down, but looked extremely awkward and avoided eye contact with me. We were alone in the office which likely made it worse for her. I asked how she was, and got short responses. I then suddenly got this urge to not let her win and to let her know that I knew what she’d done (very unlike me!!) I said “oh, I hope you don’t mind me mentioning it, but (manager) let me know that you reported me for X. I just wanted to thank you SO much for letting (manager) know, or otherwise the error might have gone undetected”. She looked horrified, but it felt so good! Not only does she now know that I know, but she also knows our manager (who presumably she was trying to undermine me in front of) has betrayed her trust and it’s not got me in the trouble she was clearly hoping for. She also must have known that I was being passive-aggressive in thanking her, even though I said it smiling. I leave next week and feel like I’ve won the war.

AIBU to feel proud of myself? Part of me thinks I might regret embarrassing her at some point!

Well done - I congratulate you

God knows what op thinks she's won when she'd made an error thatcould have gotten her in a load of troubleand the colleague pointed it out to their mutual supervisor.

Yep. Only change for colleague is that she now knows she can't trust her boss, which is useful information. She's not in any trouble, in fact she's probably scored points for saving the company from some bad embarrassment. And OP now knows that colleague knows her fuck up and saved her from a very sticky situation.

A truly vindictive colleague would have let the shit hit the fan with OP's name on it. The thanks was insincere but it shouldn't have been!

There is really no triumph here.

I think this is actually good practice for you in asserting yourself with arseholes. If you are someone who has been affected by bullies before and I guess to some extent a people pleaser this is one step towards asserting yourself and standing your ground against the passive aggressive tactics of people like that.
If you weren't leaving,I'd suggest handling it slightly differently. For example,maybe just outright ask in a non threatening way, with confidence, why they didn't come to you and tell you directly. Without even mentioning the boss.
But, I see how this is a step forward in being less submissive with passive aggressive colleagues and little to lose as you're leaving. So yes,good for you.

Psychonabike has contributed one of the most sensible answers I have ever seen on this site. A adult offering sound, intelligent, adult advice.

Revenge is always wrong, but it is therapeutic, let's face it.

Good luck with your new job and I hope your future colleagues are less toxic.

There was no revenge.

This thread reminds me of those women whose husbands have affairs, and they stay and keep on washing his pants and cooking his meals because they're going to be SO SICKLY SWEET because then it will hurt ALL THE MORE when they throw him out in 25 years' time as they totally intend to do.

It's not an exact comparison, but it's another example of this weird thing where women think they're totally avenging themselves and sticking it to someone by being insincerely nice and delivering no consequences.

A truly vindictive colleague would have let the shit hit the fan with OP's name on it. The thanks was insincere but it shouldn't have been!

I agree. I wonder why the colleague felt the need to look over OP’s work.

I really hope you aren't coming to work with me with that attitude. You are completely focused on your real or imagined conflict with your colleague and not at all on what the company needs to deliver the best service to its clients. That's a toxic behaviour at work and I hope you don't take it into your new role.

Amusingly, upthread a poster accuses another of fabricating a whole shonky backstory, immediately followed by a post suggesting that the 'bitch' colleague had herself fabricated the original error. Utterly bonkers.
I do wonder if all the 'go girl' respondents are quite young and in junior, not very professional jobs.

@PeterOhanrahahanrahan

I really hope you aren't coming to work with me with that attitude. You are completely focused on your real or imagined conflict with your colleague and not at all on what the company needs to deliver the best service to its clients. That's a toxic behaviour at work and I hope you don't take it into your new role.

Really? My work would expect us to act like adults and simply discuss the matter without each other, rather than wasting manager's time with it. The manager would just think you were a bit of a timewaster if you did that. It depends on the field of course, but we are professionals and expected to be competent enough to deal with such things ourselves. At that level, you expect your colleagues at work to have mutual respect.

Mutual respect comes from competence.

She’s obviously reasonably competent, as she’s just achieved a promotion. Yes, she made a mistake, that doesn’t mean that it’s something she’s always doing.

If you weren't leaving then keep schtum but you are so yes, credit to you and who cares whether your (ex)boss should or shouldn't have said the name. He did and you took advantage of that 👍🏻

@midsomermurderess

Amusingly, upthread a poster accuses another of fabricating a whole shonky backstory, immediately followed by a post suggesting that the 'bitch' colleague had herself fabricated the original error. Utterly bonkers. I do wonder if all the 'go girl' respondents are quite young and in junior, not very professional jobs.

I think they're mostly people who have their own experiences of office politics, maybe even bullying, and are therefore inclined to identify with the OP. Who couldn't actually explain why she didn't like this colleague. A fair number of them sound pretty irritating to work with themselves.

But I would LOVE to hear colleague's side of this, and I wonder how the very same "you sure showed her!" posters would respond if she had told this story.

Yes, the other colleague's point of view would be very illuminating.
And if people could learn, or be taught, to communicate openly, assertively and in a mature fashion, so much of this nonsense could be avoided.

And if people could learn, or be taught, to communicate openly, assertively and in a mature fashion, so much of this nonsense could be avoided.

I hope the colleague learned that lesson.Rather than than going through stuff that has nothing to do with them and then running to the manager.

I mean, in many workplaces, the tell-tale would simply get a reputation for being a troublemaker.

It does seem that they were trying to get the OP into trouble.

People who do this kind of thing often have no awareness as to how they come across.

Well done OP. I got bullied at work and it’s the pits! Hope you enjoy your new job.

She looked awkward and horrified to be caught out! Of course she knew she was being underhand! Borderline Personality Disordered types are experts at manipulation and will successfully bully in a series of small ways that you can't quite put your finger on but are extremely stressful and unsettling for the victim. eg Knowing that someone is very anxious about being on time and quite deliberately causing them to be consistently late. Doesn't sound too awful does it? Until you take into account that it is quite deliberate and controlling behaviour and targeted to upset the victim who will also be confused and wonder if it is in their imagination. Toxic. This is textbook! If you've ever been targeted by one of those people then god help you, it is very very difficult to put your finger on but very destructive. Well done OP I think you handled it brilliantly. She didn't succeed in getting you into trouble as intended - or she would have run it past you first - and you were dignified in your response leaving her without any way to accuse you of nasty behaviour. These poisonous people divide opinion, as they are so tricky their behaviours can be seen very differently if you aren't the victim, but they don't improve, and the best thing to do is get away from them. Good luck in your next job!

@criminallyinsane

She looked awkward and horrified to be caught out! Of course she knew she was being underhand! Borderline Personality Disordered types are experts at manipulation and will successfully bully in a series of small ways that you can't quite put your finger on but are extremely stressful and unsettling for the victim. eg Knowing that someone is very anxious about being on time and quite deliberately causing them to be consistently late. Doesn't sound too awful does it? Until you take into account that it is quite deliberate and controlling behaviour and targeted to upset the victim who will also be confused and wonder if it is in their imagination. Toxic. This is textbook! If you've ever been targeted by one of those people then god help you, it is very very difficult to put your finger on but very destructive. Well done OP I think you handled it brilliantly. She didn't succeed in getting you into trouble as intended - or she would have run it past you first - and you were dignified in your response leaving her without any way to accuse you of nasty behaviour. These poisonous people divide opinion, as they are so tricky their behaviours can be seen very differently if you aren't the victim, but they don't improve, and the best thing to do is get away from them. Good luck in your next job!

I was hesitant to label it, but I agree with you.

This type of person is well practised in what they do, and people often fall for it, because when someone says something outlandish, the human tendency is to think they are telling the truth. And they can be vindictive too - which is why its good that the OP is moving on.

Really, what the tell-tale has done here is ridiculous, to any reasonable person, and it just shows how good they are at creating a false impression when people on the internet are defending them but don't even know why!

They are ruinous in the workplace, because people leave jobs because of their behaviour, and then the workplace is left short of employees, recruitment costs increase and employees only stay for a short time. Meanwhile, the manager has to deal with the tell tale sucking up to them and the extra work they create, and then when the manager is no longer seen as an ally, they too will be sidelined and get the toxic behaviour aimed at them.

people on the internet are defending them but don't even know why!

Er, they know exactly why. You would too if you'd actually read the posts that covered it. She might have thought going anonymously through the manager to get the error corrected would avoid a nasty confrontation or accusations of bullying since she and OP don't get on, she might have been following protocol at that particular workplace, she might be scared of OP and consider herself the victim. We don't know for sure, but they're all very plausible reasons that have been laid out. There is definitely another side to this story.

You may have missed half the discussion but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Now a stranger, partially described, and in a way clearly to put the OP in the best light has been diagnosed with BPD. That is a preposterous leap. If you have any qualifications in that field, you know not to do this, if you don't, you are in no position to do so.

What is clear is that the OP has been promoted, so she can’t be all that bad at her job. As I understood it, this colleague is slightly senior to her, but this new post is more senior still.

There could be some jealousy involved here? That wouldn’t be beyond the realms of possibility.

She could have done worse. She could have kept quiet and let you get in trouble for the serious mistake you had already made

@midsomermurderess

Now a stranger, partially described, and in a way clearly to put the OP in the best light has been diagnosed with BPD. That is a preposterous leap. If you have any qualifications in that field, you know not to do this, if you don't, you are in no position to do so.

Ridiculous, isn't it?

There's honestly more projection going on here than at the local Cineworld. Are there really so many professional adult women in the workplace who are so incapable of honest and open communication, and unable to experience a personality clash without pathologising the other person? I guess we can get an idea of why some people struggle with office politics.

The kicker is that OP could just have corrected the mistake, been silently glad it got found out before she got serious egg on her face, and left it at that. Doesn't sound like she was in any trouble over it and she's leaving anyway. No drama, no harm done.