AIBU for putting her in her place?

[DrJPuddleDuck]

AIBU to think I got the better of this office bully?

Colleague (slightly senior to me) has always been a bit ‘off’ with me, lots of subtle undermining, but nothing I could really put my finger on. More recently though, I was offered promotion in another company (I believe a company they have admired for a while) to a position more senior than her. Perhaps understandably, I don’t think they liked this. I am currently working my notice period.

Anyhow, around three weeks ago, my manager called me in to discuss an error in my work. It was indeed an error/oversight, which I immediately corrected and apologised for. It didn’t thankfully, but it could have gotten me in a lot of trouble. My manager also informed me that “a colleague” had bought this to his attention. I was hurt by this, as I would have spoken to any one of my colleagues first, not least because it was clearly an oversight that was so easily corrected. I immediately suspected this person, but obviously had no proof, which made me suspicious of all my colleagues and really affected me. I discussed the situation again with my manager last week and said how it was affecting me, as I couldn’t understand why whoever had spoken to him, didn’t just speak to me first. I said I felt like I’d been to thrown under the bus. In response to this, my manager informed me (perhaps inappropriately) that it was the colleague I had suspected originally who had spoken to them. For context, this colleague would never have seen this error if they hadn’t been going through my work, as it was not a piece of work they were involved in.

Yesterday I saw this colleague, who wasn’t expecting to see me (as we often work in different offices). She couldn’t very well turn around and walk out, so sat down, but looked extremely awkward and avoided eye contact with me. We were alone in the office which likely made it worse for her. I asked how she was, and got short responses. I then suddenly got this urge to not let her win and to let her know that I knew what she’d done (very unlike me!!) I said “oh, I hope you don’t mind me mentioning it, but (manager) let me know that you reported me for X. I just wanted to thank you SO much for letting (manager) know, or otherwise the error might have gone undetected”. She looked horrified, but it felt so good! Not only does she now know that I know, but she also knows our manager (who presumably she was trying to undermine me in front of) has betrayed her trust and it’s not got me in the trouble she was clearly hoping for. She also must have known that I was being passive-aggressive in thanking her, even though I said it smiling. I leave next week and feel like I’ve won the war.

AIBU to feel proud of myself? Part of me thinks I might regret embarrassing her at some point!

[JMR185]

She sounds very unpleasant, certainly not a team player. I'm pleased you got the better of her, both in your new job and in the little chat you had with her. I think your manager must recognise her for what she is as well.

[Hecksonaplane]

The manager dropped himself in it and hopefully now your colleague will think twice about this mindless tale telling in future.
Pity the manager didn't ask why she was checking...

[DrSbaitso]

@Madamum18

I might have misunderstood, but I think @DrSbaitso was agreeing with you, while making a joke about all the people on this thread who are applauding OP for her oneupmanship.

Yes thankyou, I think I have just clicked into that now ....I blame being knackered after a very long day, though not really an excuse!! We all have those don't we!😏

Oh, definitely.

[HowsYourHeadHun]

Nothing wrong with calling people out but throwing other people under the bus to call someone else out on is just cunty.

[UndercoverIntrovert]

I think you did brilliantly @DrJPuddleDuck - nothing wrong with calling people out. Hope you take this confidence to your new job & good luck

[Madamum18]

I might have misunderstood, but I think @DrSbaitso was agreeing with you, while making a joke about all the people on this thread who are applauding OP for her oneupmanship.

Yes thankyou, I think I have just clicked into that now ....I blame being knackered after a very long day, though not really an excuse!! We all have those don't we!😏

[DrSbaitso]

@Madamum18

...unless ofcourse you were being sarcastic as in agreeing with me and suggesting the OPs approach was as you described! If that is the case I apologise for misunderstanding. 😏

That's the one.

[Madamum18]

...unless ofcourse you were being sarcastic as in agreeing with me and suggesting the OPs approach was as you described! If that is the case I apologise for misunderstanding. 😏

[Madamum18]

I think you misunderstood what I was saying with my post

Oh really! Seemed to me you expressed yourself very clearly! Which I approve of, much better to be straight than play games! .

[DrSbaitso]

@Madamum18

What? An open, honest, mature and professional conversation? Not insincere, passive aggressive and designed to "get the better" of your colleague

It is NOT passive aggressive or insincere. It asks for someones reasons for their actions, it states what one would prefer and hopefully things just move on! |Its not "getting the better of", just communicating and being direct.

Begone ...nope, perfectly valid comment I made ..we can agree to disagree but neither of us have to then clear off!

I think you misunderstood what I was saying with my post.

[bibbidybobbidyboo]

@Madamum18

What? An open, honest, mature and professional conversation? Not insincere, passive aggressive and designed to "get the better" of your colleague

It is NOT passive aggressive or insincere. It asks for someones reasons for their actions, it states what one would prefer and hopefully things just move on! |Its not "getting the better of", just communicating and being direct.

Begone ...nope, perfectly valid comment I made ..we can agree to disagree but neither of us have to then clear off!

I might have misunderstood, but I think @DrSbaitso was agreeing with you, while making a joke about all the people on this thread who are applauding OP for her oneupmanship.

[tigger1001]

I don't get this. And I don't see how you feel like you have come out of this well. You made an error that had gone undetected until it was brought to you managers attention. It was rectified and no further action was taken by management as it was an error and we are all capable of making these.

But why then get so upset about who found it? Does it matter? Surely it's better to be resolved now? It sounds to me like you didn't cope well with it being brought to your attention by management. Were you worried it would affect your reference?

Sorry but you didn't stand up to a bully. You were pulled up for an error, which was fixed.

[Madamum18]

What? An open, honest, mature and professional conversation? Not insincere, passive aggressive and designed to "get the better" of your colleague

It is NOT passive aggressive or insincere. It asks for someones reasons for their actions, it states what one would prefer and hopefully things just move on! |Its not "getting the better of", just communicating and being direct.

Begone ...nope, perfectly valid comment I made ..we can agree to disagree but neither of us have to then clear off!

[Barmychick]

I've always been too daft in the past so part of me says good on ya except for possibly dropping manager in it! At least said manager knows what a conniving snake she is now
Good luck

[Mummabug18]

I think you did what you had to do! People who keep their heads down and suggest others do to are the ones who allow this behaviour to go unchallenged and therefore unchanged.

I hope the manager had/has a firm word with her about not being a snoop and not upsetting others.

You have nothing to be ashamed of (except MAYBE outing manager), the moment presented itself and hopefully she will think twice about being a rat and thinking she can get away with it next time. The manager wasn't forced to name drop but they did and preserved your friendships with others so be thankful for that.

Hopefully it will end here as she only be pushing her own luck.

Be proud that you stood up for yourself and definitely continue to, when you know you're in the right but be slightly better prepared in future so you don't have any possible regrets.

I have been more regrets about not standing up for myself than when I did and practice makes perfect! (Being tactful, calm & picking your battles!) ❤️

[DrSbaitso]

@Madamum18

In those circumstances I think I would have gone to the colleague in question directly and said "*{Manager) mentioned to me about my error with*. I have corrected it. Can I ask why you didn't just mention it to me? I would hate to think we couldn't help each other directly with that sort of thing!"

This gives her a chance to explain herself. Whatever her reply I would then say "Oh well, its a good job it was brought to my attention so I could rectify it. Hopefully it won't arise again but if it does I would really appreciate it if you could speak to me directly so that I can get it sorted as quickly as possible. Thanks!"

The difference with this approach is there are no games. I prefer to ask directly what someone's reasons are for doing something and state what I want to happen in the future .

What? An open, honest, mature and professional conversation? Not insincere, passive aggressive and designed to "get the better" of your colleague?

Begone!

[LizzieW1969]

I really don’t think the OP will be coming back to the thread, so there won’t be any more answers sadly.

[midsomermurderess]

But it doesn't matter what anyone else might have done. It's up there with is 8.30 too early to cut your grass. Who cares. It is the situation, with a degree of unreliabile narrator, , that is in play here.

[Madamum18]

In those circumstances I think I would have gone to the colleague in question directly and said "{Manager) mentioned to me about my error with. I have corrected it. Can I ask why you didn't just mention it to me? I would hate to think we couldn't help each other directly with that sort of thing!"

This gives her a chance to explain herself. Whatever her reply I would then say "Oh well, its a good job it was brought to my attention so I could rectify it. Hopefully it won't arise again but if it does I would really appreciate it if you could speak to me directly so that I can get it sorted as quickly as possible. Thanks!"

The difference with this approach is there are no games. I prefer to ask directly what someone's reasons are for doing something and state what I want to happen in the future .

[DrSbaitso]

Exactly, so that’s just making stuff up isn’t it?

No, it's thinking critically. Recognising that we have only one side of the story, from a very biased person who displays passive aggressive behaviour.

But one with whom many posters identify, that's for sure.

[midsomermurderess]

No one 'makes' anyone feel anything. The strongest argument coming through here is what Psychobike said. Be honest and clear and authentic in your communications with others. I appreciate that might take some practice and courage, but if you can't do that, and you're engagement is passive aggressive, you will always end up in a mess. You're engagements, work or personal, will always be difficult. Encouraging people to be PA is not constructive. It's not a 'win'.

[BlueVelvetStars]

And yet apparently from this, some people have decided that the OP must be the bully and the colleague is the victim.

You're allowed to disagree y'know 😂

[ilovesouthlondon]

Well played. She deserved it.

[browneyes77]

@DrSbaitso

Why was this colleague looking at the OP’s work in the first place?

There's an internal email audit system. Presumably for this kind of thing. Lucky for OP, right?

I’m not sure why so many are trying to so fiercely defend this colleagues actions, when they know nothing about her other than what the OP has told us.

Precisely because we know nothing about her other than what the OP has told us...

Exactly, so that’s just making stuff up isn’t it?

If the OP has told us a number of things about this colleague and people decide to ignore that in favour of their own assumptions of what this colleague is like, that’s based on zero substance.

The OP has said how this woman has always made her feel and how she feels she has behaved towards her. The OP has also said that she lacks confidence in standing up for herself etc. And yet apparently from this, some people have decided that the OP must be the bully and the colleague is the victim.