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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for putting her in her place?

326 replies

DrJPuddleDuck · 07/05/2021 22:36

AIBU to think I got the better of this office bully?

Colleague (slightly senior to me) has always been a bit ‘off’ with me, lots of subtle undermining, but nothing I could really put my finger on. More recently though, I was offered promotion in another company (I believe a company they have admired for a while) to a position more senior than her. Perhaps understandably, I don’t think they liked this. I am currently working my notice period.

Anyhow, around three weeks ago, my manager called me in to discuss an error in my work. It was indeed an error/oversight, which I immediately corrected and apologised for. It didn’t thankfully, but it could have gotten me in a lot of trouble. My manager also informed me that “a colleague” had bought this to his attention. I was hurt by this, as I would have spoken to any one of my colleagues first, not least because it was clearly an oversight that was so easily corrected. I immediately suspected this person, but obviously had no proof, which made me suspicious of all my colleagues and really affected me. I discussed the situation again with my manager last week and said how it was affecting me, as I couldn’t understand why whoever had spoken to him, didn’t just speak to me first. I said I felt like I’d been to thrown under the bus. In response to this, my manager informed me (perhaps inappropriately) that it was the colleague I had suspected originally who had spoken to them. For context, this colleague would never have seen this error if they hadn’t been going through my work, as it was not a piece of work they were involved in.

Yesterday I saw this colleague, who wasn’t expecting to see me (as we often work in different offices). She couldn’t very well turn around and walk out, so sat down, but looked extremely awkward and avoided eye contact with me. We were alone in the office which likely made it worse for her. I asked how she was, and got short responses. I then suddenly got this urge to not let her win and to let her know that I knew what she’d done (very unlike me!!) I said “oh, I hope you don’t mind me mentioning it, but (manager) let me know that you reported me for X. I just wanted to thank you SO much for letting (manager) know, or otherwise the error might have gone undetected”. She looked horrified, but it felt so good! Not only does she now know that I know, but she also knows our manager (who presumably she was trying to undermine me in front of) has betrayed her trust and it’s not got me in the trouble she was clearly hoping for. She also must have known that I was being passive-aggressive in thanking her, even though I said it smiling. I leave next week and feel like I’ve won the war.

AIBU to feel proud of myself? Part of me thinks I might regret embarrassing her at some point!

OP posts:
Iamthewombat · 08/05/2021 18:55

I had something similar happen to me, I discovered on a shared drive a list of my faults, errors and conversations recorded in a Word Document, going back to when I started in a role

Except this is not what happened in the OP’s case. Don’t let that stop you from projecting, or hijacking the thread to moan about your own problems, though.

This thread is an eye opener in many ways. So many resentful, spiteful people cherishing grudges against colleagues based on...er...something they can’t quite put their finger on and waiting for their chance to stick the boot in, to the detriment of the business. No wonder the Germans and the Japanese wipe the floor with us when it comes to productivity.

Chillychangchoo · 08/05/2021 19:03

OP avoid all the saints and martyrs on here and well done for sticking up for yourself.
If her actions weren’t spiteful she wouldn’t have looked so horrified.

You’re leaving anyway, and you put her in her place. Good for you.

OldBean2 · 08/05/2021 19:05

@Iamthewombat

I had something similar happen to me, I discovered on a shared drive a list of my faults, errors and conversations recorded in a Word Document, going back to when I started in a role

Except this is not what happened in the OP’s case. Don’t let that stop you from projecting, or hijacking the thread to moan about your own problems, though.

This thread is an eye opener in many ways. So many resentful, spiteful people cherishing grudges against colleagues based on...er...something they can’t quite put their finger on and waiting for their chance to stick the boot in, to the detriment of the business. No wonder the Germans and the Japanese wipe the floor with us when it comes to productivity.

I am sorry, but I thought I was empathising with the OP. Obviously not from your point of view, but I can assure you that was my intent. As far as I can see the OP responded for the most part in a professional manner, apologising for her error etc. Perhaps calling her colleague out on it, might be considered by some as crossing the line and by others as understandable but we have no idea what happened before this only the OP will know that.
ZenNudist · 08/05/2021 19:06

Are you 12?

Ussernayme · 08/05/2021 19:09

If her actions weren’t spiteful she wouldn’t have looked so horrified.

I imagine any one of us would look horrified on learning that a manager had betrayed our confidence in such a way. If I was the colleague I would be considering putting in a grievance.

DrSbaitso · 08/05/2021 19:14

But she didn't call her colleague out on anything! Colleague saved OP from severe embarrassment (horrible when you owe someone you hate, isn't it?) and OP was still too scared to talk to her directly about her going to the boss. She chose instead to deliver an insincere thanks, the irony being that she owed colleague a sincere one!

Colleague hasn't sustained any damage in this at all except the dubious possibility that she's embarrassed that OP knows...but even then, that just means OP is aware that colleague knows she cocked up, and saved her bacon. So who's got reason to be embarrassed? As for this idea that the whole pathetic episode will teach colleague some sort of moral lesson, don't make me laugh.

notanothertakeaway · 08/05/2021 19:15

You stood up for yourself, but may live to regret it if you ever work with / for the colleague or manager again, or come across them in business

CharlotteRose90 · 09/05/2021 08:35

You didn’t stand up for yourself though. You made a mistake and the colleague found it and mentioned it. No need to be goady at all we all make mistakes and it’s certainly not bullying to mention it you’ve just made yourself look an idiot now.

ConstanceGracy · 09/05/2021 09:11

Don’t really understand all the shitty replies you got, op but well done and good luck in the new job!

longwayoff · 09/05/2021 09:17

So pleased I don't work with you. So pleased I don't work with your colleagues. Sounds like a completely unprofessional nest of vipers.

CirclesWithinCircles · 09/05/2021 10:38

@ConstanceGracy

Don’t really understand all the shitty replies you got, op but well done and good luck in the new job!
Because the OP had the temerity to say she stood up for herself and felt good about in her OP - and some people just cannot resist the urge to try and ruin anyone else's confidence.

What the OP said to the colleague was very mild, cand a lot of posters must work in some strange workplaces, where their colleagues don't simply discuss these issues with each other first, instead of running to a manager to tell tales, and crating more work for said manager. What a bloody weird thing to do.

Lizbob1 · 09/05/2021 17:28

You absolutely did the right thing. She deserved it! Go forth and conquer at your new job!

Trixie78 · 09/05/2021 17:32

Well done OP, hopefully she's learned a valuable lesson, no-one likes s snitch 🤣🤣🤣

LILLYPRINT · 09/05/2021 17:33

Well done you. That put her in her place.

NoMoreBananas · 09/05/2021 17:40

@thirstyformore

I think you handled it perfectly OP!
Agree
TrixieMixie · 09/05/2021 17:46

I agree with the earlier posters who have said 'put her in her place' is a horrible phrase. You sound like you relished getting one up on her even before this episode - the way you start off by mentioning that your new job has leapfrogged her, for instance sounds very gloaty. I'd be interested to hear her side of the story. And just a thought, but many professions are fairly small worlds, so it's really not worth falling out with people if you can avoid it.

Supergirl1958 · 09/05/2021 17:47

I think it’s clear here! The colleague had absolutely no right going through the documentation and as you said her admission could have gotten you into some serious trouble! I think your colleague knew what they were doing when they did that! So well done! I think you did the right thing calling her out on it! Your colleague sounds petty and your better off in your new job! Good luck xx

Supergirl1958 · 09/05/2021 17:48

*you’re

CrisPbacon · 09/05/2021 17:49

As a manager, I want to say rise above it, be the better person etc but I really admire your courage.
I currently have a team member who constantly undermines and reports her colleagues. She thinks I'm unaware. She thinks it makes her look good. She is destroying team morale and despite initial kind and empathetic handling of her, making many allowances for her behaviour, she has no insight.
I bet your manager is well aware of her behaviour and is giving her enough rope.
I certainly am with our little Ray of sunshine
Well done you, it must feel fab

Cuethatcumber · 09/05/2021 17:50

Go on lass! I'm proud of you too! That's what I've got to say! I see it from your side! Been there.. Still there.. Hopefully one day il have the opportunity to open the lid too. Enjoy the new career BTW.

Hazylazy · 09/05/2021 17:52

I think you handled it very badly. Being passive aggressive, which you have admitted, is very immature.
If instead you had recounted that on finding out your colleague had spoken to your manager about your error, rather than directly to you, it would have been a much more appropriate to hold an assertive and factually accurate conversation.
Something like
‘colleague, I understand you spotted my error. I know I we will not be working together much longer, but can I ask that if you spot any of my errors again you talk to me about it first, so I have an opportunity to correct it. By going directly to our manager I feel undermined and it damages our working relationship.’

caspersmagicaljourney · 09/05/2021 17:58

@Pebbledashery

I think you could've been the better person and just left it.. I work with a narcissist and I would never make her feel like she's made me feel because I'm a better person than her.
Totally agree - I'm in a similar situation to the OP and I wouldn't bother to fight this. Sometimes you have to pick your battles, this isn't one I would pick as then I'm sinking to her level. I prefer to think that I'm the better person.
Matildalamp · 09/05/2021 18:00

I think anyone who doesn’t understand how good you feel about this, hasn’t had to deal with a work bully. They make things miserable, it’s not just office politics, they can damage mental and physical health. Good for you, OP!

FanniynLlani · 09/05/2021 18:01

I rarely post because usually everyone has already said it better than me, but I'm quite amazed that you are not getting more supportive comments for standing up for yourself, and not bullying in return, or doing anything sly, or damaging to others. I am in awe that you held your dignity, let the cowbag know that you saw her, did it in such a graceful way that she had no comeback - and that you actually did it in real time rather than thinking what you could have said later. Standing up for myself is something I find hard, it makes me shake and feel sick, so this resonates powerfully with my experience of being bullied.

Cakeandcoffeea · 09/05/2021 18:02

Good for you I say!!

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