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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think 16 y.o. DD should not be sleeping in all morning on a weekday?

120 replies

PurplePeach83 · 07/05/2021 13:16

Eldest DD is 16. She is coming to the end of her first year at college studying an Art diploma. She seems to be on top of all her work at college, but she is only required to be in college for 2.5 days a week, the rest of the time is supposed to be independent study. Since returning to college after lockdown, she has been treating the mornings of her independent study days as extended lie-in times.

While me, DH, and 3 other DC are up early and out of the door, getting on with school, work etc., she is lying in bed and doesn't even come downstairs until midday, often still in her grubby dressing gown.

One of her agreed responsibilities is to give the dog his breakfast, and we just don't think its fair that he doesn't get it until 11.30/12. Equally, there is often the dishwasher to unload from the night before, washing to put on or hang up etc in the morning. Second DC14 comes home and will often help out with chores etc. when he returns without being asked because he can see what needs doing and likes to be courteous. DD16 however seems only interested in being in her room and doesn't pitch in unless asked and even then it is very reluctant.

When DH and I were her age we had college or study from 8.30 - 3.30 every day plus homework and both worked Saturday jobs too. If she was upstairs working on her college project every morning, I wouldn't mind if she wasn't helping around the house so much, but she has admitted she is just sleeping. I have told her this morning that I think it isn't right to treat her independent study days as lie-in opportunities and that she should be doing something more productive with that time like college work or pitching in around the house, and now she has stormed out saying I'm being unfair and she is all up to date with her work, and as long as she has fed the dog, it shouldn't matter! Now I'm left questioning whether I have been unreasonable...AIBU?

OP posts:

MissingTheMoonlight · 07/05/2021 13:20

Teenagers need A LOT more sleep than children or adults and this is normal behaviour, surely?
If she can get up on the days she had commitments it wouldn't worry me.
Maybe switch the dog feeding for a different chore so the dog doesn't have to suffer?

Backtoreality1 · 07/05/2021 13:22

I think her college work is her responsibility and you 'nagging' her about it is not going to change her mindset.

However, the chores are another matter. If she is not up, could someone else not feed the dog before you go to work, and set her the chores for later in the day? I know its frustrating but she is at the difficult stage of learning to be an adult and prioritise her life. She needs to be left to get on with that so far as college is concerned, but their must be set guidelines and responsibilities while she lives under your roof....but these shoudl be worked out between you so that it works for everyone.

DeweyWilkerson · 07/05/2021 13:24

Admittedly my DDs are a couple of years younger so I'm no expert, but I'd be inclined to be a bit indulgent. She has her whole adult life ahead where she'll have to get up early and go to work, why not enjoy her lazy time now provided she's up to date with her college work. I agree chores should be switched so the dog doesn't suffer.

Hiphopopotamus · 07/05/2021 13:26

she’s up to date with all her work - why does it matter if she lies in? Surely that’s her choice. I’d just maybe give her a different chore to the dog’s breakfast - maybe she can give him dinner!

LaurieFairyCake · 07/05/2021 13:28

I only care that your dog gets fed - mine would go NUTS with hunger if they didn't get it by 8am

Switch all chores to evening ones and let her sleep - it's totally normal for teenagers

AbstractHeart · 07/05/2021 13:29

Teenagers have a different circadian rhythm to adults; it's perfectly normal for her to sleep late. Just give her chores that she can do in the afternoon or evening.

SarahAndQuack · 07/05/2021 13:32

Agree; give her different chores.

I slept so much at that age, I remember it was like being hit with a tonne of bricks and I just couldn't cope.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 07/05/2021 13:41

So because you're up, she has to be too?
She's up to date with her work so not slacking.
Honestly it's kinda stupid to give the morning chore to the only person not getting up in the morning. So you all walk past the dog bowl and can't take a few seconds to fill it but she has to get up specifically to do that task?

She should have chores but you plan your chores around your work and sleep, not the other way around.

KadirDemir · 07/05/2021 13:43

Give her different chores?... so basically instead of fix the problem just work around it

Great advice MN!

Sunglasses2 · 07/05/2021 13:45

Why aren't you feeding the dog when you know it won't get fed til midday.

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 07/05/2021 13:46

Thanks everyone, ok, we will officially change the dog feeding chore. DS does the evening feed as he has to leave the house by 8am so they agreed between them that it made sense for her to do his breakfast. However, evening chores are neglected too. She does a hurried job of wiping table down so there are still blobs of food etc and goes to her room before we've had time to ask her to do anything else. I think basically DH and I feel used as she spends all her time in her room and doesn't really contribute to family life at all. She doesn't even bother putting her clothes in the washing, only knickers. It just seems like she has a bit of a selfish attitude atm. Will she outgrow it?

OP posts:

Comefromaway · 07/05/2021 13:46

Ds's btec is 2.5 days per week too. I doubt he gets up before lunchtime on his days off but as long as the dog has been let out regularly, the dishes are done and his work is up to date I don't really care.

19lottie82 · 07/05/2021 13:47

If she’s up to date with her college work and is generally a good kid then what’s the problem? As mentioned give her different chores, I don’t think you should insist on dragging her out of bed to feed the dog, or let the dog go hungry as you know she won’t be up in time, what’s the point in that? It’s a thirty second job and it sounds like there are others in your house that are up at that time.

I have 2DSDs in their late teens and wouldn’t even think about making them get up early if they didn’t have any reason to be. It just seems mean!

19lottie82 · 07/05/2021 13:49

However, evening chores are neglected too

That’s a different issue then. If she doesn’t want to contribute to the household then don’t give her any money, lifts etc. Simple.

Graphista · 07/05/2021 13:52

Teens both need more sleep than adults AND their clock tends to the night owl schedule during this period too.

Your younger one (a boy?) Seems simply not to have hit this phase yet, doesn't mean they won't.

Give her chores that fit in with her rhythms so she is still contributing to family life and comfort, and as long as she's doing well with college work, not complaining you're disturbing her and not disturbing the rest of the family at night I'd leave her be to be honest

Yea she'll outgrow it. Mines now 20 and late teens were tricky but we're out the other side now. Pick your battles.

Retreating to her room also normal it's part of separating from the family emotionally in preparation for the physical move to come in adulthood

My dd did her own laundry though, came about due to a daft argument but once I'd shown her how she preferred to do her own as then she could wash what she wanted to wear for when she wanted to wear it (that's what argument was about - I'm not psychic!)

She should contribute to the family/smooth running of the household but other than that leave her be

Likeroses · 07/05/2021 14:01

I'd say she has to do some chores but I wouldn't really care if she was up later. She has her whole adult life having to get up early.

motherloaded · 07/05/2021 14:04

Give a strict list of chores, with consequences if they are not done. That's part of living in your house and that's normal.

Don't time them, and be clear that as long as they are done properly, you are happy.

IF they don't get done on time (but at whatever time of the day she chose), you get her up in the morning to catch up.

It's fair and her own choice if she sleeps morning or not.

TaraR2020 · 07/05/2021 14:04

will she outgrow it?

Yes, probably, once she's going off to uni / otherwise moved out and has to start running a household herself, many ppl become oddly houseproud. She might even start critiquing/advising you

You can certainly pull her up on her contribution to family life etc but I wouldn't hold your breath for a drastic change.

ZenNudist · 07/05/2021 14:08

I'd be more worried thats shes doing f all with her life. 2.5 days of work and then 4.5 days to relax. She will never have it so good again.

Not against lie ins but I suggest she gets a job or volunteers or something that would contribute to her cv!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/05/2021 14:10

She needs to do her bit - but I do think swapping her chores round makes sense.

If she doesnt put her clothes in the laundry basket then dont wash them.

motherloaded · 07/05/2021 14:13

I used to sleep all day when I could when I was her age and at uni. I could then study all night. It never stopped me from getting my degree.
It was easier at uni as I didn't have parents around

Ted27 · 07/05/2021 14:19

My son is 16 nearly 17, also at college only 2 days a week. Also sleeps a lot on his days at home.

I was concerned about his assignments but having spoken to his learning support he is getting merits so whatever he is doing its more than enough.
His regular chores are to take out and bring in the wheelie bins, do his own washing and change his bed, as long as he does it on a Tuesday I don’t care when. He will do other stuff as and when I ask him. As long as he is up by late morning I don’t mind too much. He does have a Saturday job though.
I wish he would do more but its still very difficult for young people now. Most of his friends stayed on at sixth form and are in school 5 days a week and restrictions at college have really got in the way of making new friendships

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 07/05/2021 14:22

@ZenNudist Yes. I agree with this. She seems to be totally drifting and she will have a massive shock when she needs to get a paid job. I don't expect her to have her whole life planned out, but some direction for the next few years would be something.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/05/2021 14:24

She has time for a part time job though. Has she been looking?

Branleuse · 07/05/2021 14:32

If she needs the sleep then she needs it and may as well take the opportunity while she has some days off, as once shes older and working full time she wont be able to.

Theres already plenty of time for life to be shit later

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