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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think 16 y.o. DD should not be sleeping in all morning on a weekday?

120 replies

PurplePeach83 · 07/05/2021 13:16

Eldest DD is 16. She is coming to the end of her first year at college studying an Art diploma. She seems to be on top of all her work at college, but she is only required to be in college for 2.5 days a week, the rest of the time is supposed to be independent study. Since returning to college after lockdown, she has been treating the mornings of her independent study days as extended lie-in times.

While me, DH, and 3 other DC are up early and out of the door, getting on with school, work etc., she is lying in bed and doesn't even come downstairs until midday, often still in her grubby dressing gown.

One of her agreed responsibilities is to give the dog his breakfast, and we just don't think its fair that he doesn't get it until 11.30/12. Equally, there is often the dishwasher to unload from the night before, washing to put on or hang up etc in the morning. Second DC14 comes home and will often help out with chores etc. when he returns without being asked because he can see what needs doing and likes to be courteous. DD16 however seems only interested in being in her room and doesn't pitch in unless asked and even then it is very reluctant.

When DH and I were her age we had college or study from 8.30 - 3.30 every day plus homework and both worked Saturday jobs too. If she was upstairs working on her college project every morning, I wouldn't mind if she wasn't helping around the house so much, but she has admitted she is just sleeping. I have told her this morning that I think it isn't right to treat her independent study days as lie-in opportunities and that she should be doing something more productive with that time like college work or pitching in around the house, and now she has stormed out saying I'm being unfair and she is all up to date with her work, and as long as she has fed the dog, it shouldn't matter! Now I'm left questioning whether I have been unreasonable...AIBU?

OP posts:

Onedaysomedaynowadays · 07/05/2021 18:27

Not sure about this.
When I was her age I was at college doing my a levels 9-4 everyday and then either playing sport or studying in the evenings. At weekends I played sports matches on Saturday and got up at 6 on Sunday to do stuff with the cadets.
All of that did set me up for my adult life but also was fun and stimulating.
I don't buy this, 16 year olds need to sleep all time. Sometimes I'd lie in during holidays or on the odd Saturday but not until midday!

KurtWilde · 07/05/2021 18:33

I don't think 'when I was her age..' is relevant. She's her own person, there's no right or wrong per say.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 07/05/2021 18:37

@Onedaysomedaynowadays

Not sure about this. When I was her age I was at college doing my a levels 9-4 everyday and then either playing sport or studying in the evenings. At weekends I played sports matches on Saturday and got up at 6 on Sunday to do stuff with the cadets. All of that did set me up for my adult life but also was fun and stimulating. I don't buy this, 16 year olds need to sleep all time. Sometimes I'd lie in during holidays or on the odd Saturday but not until midday!

But that was you. Not everyone is the same.

It doesn't mean that people who behave differently to you are wrong.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 07/05/2021 18:44

There is a weird acceptance these days that teenagers are almost worshipped, and are expected to be given total independence yet almost zero responsibilities.

She either needs to study or, if she genuinely can get away with only studying 2.5 days a week, she should be doing a lot more around the house (like all the cleaning) or get a paid part time job and make a contribution to the family finances or save money for Uni.

There is no evidence that a 16 year old needs more than 8 hours sleep (9 tops). Those who do competitive sport are often up at 5AM to train. In our not too long-ago past, teenagers would all have been up at dawn to get the harvest in.

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 07/05/2021 18:55

@Onedaysomedaynowadays Yes, thank you. This is what I feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 07/05/2021 18:58

@TheReluctantPhoenix Thanks for your take on this. It's good to get a range of opinions.

OP posts:

flashylamp · 07/05/2021 19:03

There is a weird acceptance these days that teenagers are almost worshipped, and are expected to be given total independence yet almost zero responsibilities.

My teens do loads around the house. They can manage their study/work/leisure as they please.

Riapia · 07/05/2021 19:07

If you’d have had me when I was 16 you would be creeping about so as not to wake me.
I was awful. How my DM put up with me is a mystery.

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 07/05/2021 19:10

@EveningOverRooftops. DD and DS driving force for dog. Had several meetings to discuss involvement/ expectations and this arrangement was agreed in advance. 'No family dog BS' is your opinion, but realistically we all live with him, we all love him and we each have our agreed responsibilities to which everyone except DD has honoured.
She does do her own art, but not very often for someone who claims to want to do it for a living.

OP posts:

KurtWilde · 07/05/2021 19:15

I don't think allowing a 16/17 to self regulate is a bad thing as long as they're attending college and keeping up to their course work at home. The dog breakfast has been addressed so perhaps just have a chat about different chores or responsibilities.

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 07/05/2021 19:21

Thanks @KurtWilde. The trouble is, when we discuss chores/responsibilities she steps up for a few weeks to get us off her back, then things start to slide again. Constant reminding is exhausting and boring for all concerned. I just wish she would keep to the bargains she agrees. I feel at this age she shouldn't need sanctions etc. just to do basic help such as laying table, wiping table putting washing in machine. It's just common decency, isn't it?

OP posts:

MizzyFizz · 07/05/2021 19:22

"DD16 however seems only interested in being in her room and doesn't pitch in unless asked and even then it is very reluctant."

Fucking hell, I wonder why that is. I'd be hiding out in my room as much as possible too, if you were my DM.

Judgemental, hyper-critical and controlling. Why would she try to stay away from that?

Why don't you mind your own sodding business and let her grow up at her own speed.

katy1213 · 07/05/2021 19:28

I'm not surprised she stays in her room. The last thing you want at 16 is 'family life.'

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 07/05/2021 19:28

@MizzyFizz 'Judgemental, hyper-critical'.
Have a look at your own post.

OP posts:

Ladywinesalot · 07/05/2021 19:32

OP I agree it’s an awful habit to be in.
Does he have a her phone in her room? As in why is she sleeping till noon?

Can she get a job for n her non college days?

KurtWilde · 07/05/2021 19:32

Purple I totally see where you're coming from but that's the structured chore list of my 10 year old. Your DD is a young woman, at college, almost 17, not a small child.

When my older ones reached that age there were no chore lists or sanctions. When dinner was ready if they were eating with us, I'd just say grab the plates out please or oh can you lay the table? And after dinner I'd say right who's washing up? And invariably they'd crack on. Same on washing day I'd shout upstairs that if their washing wasn't down and in the washer they'd be sorting it themselves. You really do have to evolve and develop a new dynamic or you risk coming across as a nag and nothing gets done.

Ladywinesalot · 07/05/2021 19:35

@TheReluctantPhoenix

There is a weird acceptance these days that teenagers are almost worshipped, and are expected to be given total independence yet almost zero responsibilities.

Agree.

There is a lot of strange ideas on this thread of how it’s ok for teenagers to sleep till noon and not have any responsibilities.

Wonder what all these posters will do when their dc is 25 and still sleeping in till noon, no job, no friends and a waste of space.

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 07/05/2021 19:38

@KurtWilde Yes, I agree. Your suggestions are generally how I approach this day to day eg. 'Could you please...?' Rather than 'why haven't you?' and there are no sanctions as like I said, I feel she is too old for that. But I'm usually met with tuts, eye rolls or an argument about what she's done instead. The argument today was the culmination of weeks of this behaviour.

OP posts:

Sunflowers095 · 07/05/2021 19:38

[quote PurplePeach83]@BiBabbles Thank you so much, yes this is exactly it. The sleeping in is just the tip of the iceberg really. It's the lack of motivation for anything that worries me and the sleeping in is a part of that. Thanks for your helpful advice. I'm glad your DS has turned a corner and your relationship has improved.[/quote]
But why are you making everything so difficult?

You decided to give her a morning chore (feeding dog) despite knowing she's not a morning person. You nag her because she sleeps and doesn't live on the same schedule and productivity scale as you.

She's a teenager. As an adult I stay up late and sleep in when I don't have to get up early. That doesn't mean I don't have a good job or ambition. I think YABVU

TheReluctantPhoenix · 07/05/2021 19:44

@PurplePeach83,

If someone is having all the privileges of being fully supported, there should be sanctions. It is not ‘time out’ aged 16, but removal of some of her allowance.

If she wants complete independence, she can do some paid work.

By law she should either be in full time education or some kind of apprenticeship. Sounds like she is in part time education...

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 07/05/2021 19:47

@ladywinesailor. Her room is directly above ours and she was regularly keeping me and DH awake until 1.30am talking and laughing in normal volume on phone to her boyfriend. After several conversations about how it was disruptive to us and probably our neighbours, and she continued regardless, we now just take the phone downstairs when we go to bed. Again though, I really just don't see why she can't just have some bloody respect for other people. Why push things until we have no choice but to intervene? I would have expected a bit more awareness by now.

OP posts:

Stuckhere2021 · 07/05/2021 19:48

YABU. Read up on the teenage brain and sleep - there is a physiological reason why they stay up late and sleep on in the morning.
www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/body/articles/lifecycle/teenagers/sleep.shtml

Doghead · 07/05/2021 19:48

Jeez! Give the girl a break and stop being so controlling!

alwayslearning789 · 07/05/2021 19:50

YANBU

Stuckhere2021 · 07/05/2021 19:51

Cross posted with your most recent post. My DC are teens - early 20s and stay up half the night sometimes but they really take steps to keep the noise down - DD even puts her glass on a tea towel when pouring a drink to avoid it hitting the worktop.

YANBU for addressing the noise issue.

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