to think 16 y.o. DD should not be sleeping in all morning on a weekday?

[PurplePeach83]

Eldest DD is 16. She is coming to the end of her first year at college studying an Art diploma. She seems to be on top of all her work at college, but she is only required to be in college for 2.5 days a week, the rest of the time is supposed to be independent study. Since returning to college after lockdown, she has been treating the mornings of her independent study days as extended lie-in times.

While me, DH, and 3 other DC are up early and out of the door, getting on with school, work etc., she is lying in bed and doesn't even come downstairs until midday, often still in her grubby dressing gown.

One of her agreed responsibilities is to give the dog his breakfast, and we just don't think its fair that he doesn't get it until 11.30/12. Equally, there is often the dishwasher to unload from the night before, washing to put on or hang up etc in the morning. Second DC14 comes home and will often help out with chores etc. when he returns without being asked because he can see what needs doing and likes to be courteous. DD16 however seems only interested in being in her room and doesn't pitch in unless asked and even then it is very reluctant.

When DH and I were her age we had college or study from 8.30 - 3.30 every day plus homework and both worked Saturday jobs too. If she was upstairs working on her college project every morning, I wouldn't mind if she wasn't helping around the house so much, but she has admitted she is just sleeping. I have told her this morning that I think it isn't right to treat her independent study days as lie-in opportunities and that she should be doing something more productive with that time like college work or pitching in around the house, and now she has stormed out saying I'm being unfair and she is all up to date with her work, and as long as she has fed the dog, it shouldn't matter! Now I'm left questioning whether I have been unreasonable...AIBU?

@Stuckhere2021 It doesn't excuse the generally unhelpful, unmotivated attitude at other times though.

[quote PurplePeach83]@Stuckhere2021 It doesn't excuse the generally unhelpful, unmotivated attitude at other times though.[/quote]
Honestly it seems like you are just a controlling nagging mother constantly finding things to have a go about with her behaviour. Let her have a life.

@stuckhere2021 Thanks for the support on the noise issue though.

@Ladywinesalot what a ridiculous sweeping generalisation. My eldest DC are 22 now, both in excellent jobs, have their own homes and partners. But at 16 they were much like OPs DD wrt sleeping, although they did pull their weight in the home.

@Sunflowers095. You are entitled to your opinion of course, but it would be more helpful to me if like some other posters you could share some positive advice. Have you raised teens? If so, I would love to know what worked for you?

DS 16 has gone nocturnal over the last 6 mnths. Lockdown hasn’t helped. He has been socialising via PS4/Xbox with his friends which I don’t begrudge him considering the exceptional circumstances. But has been fine going back to school and weekend sports, although the rugby coaches (who all have same aged sons) are happy to do training sessions from midday at the weekends.
I do remember being the same as a teenager and at every opportunity as a young adult. After having children though my body clock has definitely reset itself and 6am is now my default and I struggle to stay awake beyond 11pm but I was well into my 40s before this happened.
As a teenager 2-3am was the earliest I could sleep but I could survive on 4 hours of sleep quite easily.
After the year they have had I think we should definitely allow teenagers a bit of slack. They have missed out on so much and it is really starting to show. Hopefully a return to normality will allow them to bounce back quickly and we can start nagging again. Maybe it will make them more resilient as they mature. It has certainly made my DS realise how important face to face contact is and he really does prefer to talk to his friends using FaceTime rather than other social media routes. They have also had to learn how to make themselves properly understood via social media and are more aware of its limitations in social interaction.

Re “the noise”, a good pair of ear plugs solve the problem.

I would leave her be. Allow her some space and time because the society we live in now is totally ruled by the clock, that's why we' re all so stressed and miserable. This is just a stage, and what's the harm in her laying in? Sometimes it's actually a positive thing to have down time, l think you would enjoy a much better relationship with your daughter if you relaxed more, have more faith that she will become a totally responsible capable adult, in her own way, in her own time. I feel you are worrying unnecessarily.

@Angrymum22 But that would mean ear plugs for me, DH, DS14 and two younger DC as well as the neighbours probably!

What do you all do for fun

I find it sad that so many parents seem to forget what it was like to be a teenager when they become a parent to one. I regularly slept in late at that age and still managed to become a fully functioning adult capable of getting up. Let her lay in, she’ll soon be old enough and stuck in the world of work like the rest of us and no longer be able to enjoy that luxury!

How is her mental health?

I find it sad that so many parents seem to forget what it was like to be a teenager when they become a parent to one.

Oh I remember, I also remember my parents not letting me get away with it

None of us were allowed to miss lunch, that's how late we were allowed to sleep in.

Thanks for comments everyone. Going to spend Eve with DH now. I'll check in tomorrow.

Leave the poor girl alone. My mum was like this and I hated her for it. It took until I was in my 40s to repair the damage.

I have a similar thing going on . My 17 year old dropped out of 6th form as he hated it. He doesn’t seem to be keen to look for a part time job even though he’s not back at college till September. I’ve gone back to the office now as its making me very angry bring in the house with him all the time. He does nothing around the house sleeps in until lunchtime and eats me out of house and home. Also one thing that annoyed me today is it’s my birthday and he didn’t even get me a card 😡 I need to toughen up I think

[quote PurplePeach83]@PlanDeRaccordement. Yes, I agree being a student is a full time job, or should be if you are doing it properly. I don't care how she works it, 3 x 12 hour days, evenings, weekends, whatever. But it is clear she is doing this very much part time and unless she finds something else to devote her time to like a job, volunteering, putting more into her course, I feel the least she should do is help at home. Letting her coast along and sleep all morning for the rest of her teens I think would do her a disservice in setting her up for adult life.[/quote]
Thing is being a student isn’t full time. I did my degree as a mature student and was completely shocked at how part time it was. She’s doing her work and getting the grades, that’s all I’d ask. She’s going to have 40 odd years on the treadmill, there’s no need to climb on it before you have to.

I don't think it's adults forgetting what it's like to be a teenager, there seems to be a lot of remembering of our own teen years in the comments and people trying to either emulate what they liked or do differently to what they hated. For some it was nagging parents with unrealistic strict expectations. For others, like me, it was parents entirely uninvolved and having really low expectations. There is a middle ground of giving a teenager control while still expecting them to be part the household - I don't see how that expectation is anywhere close to the work grind that many seem to compare it to.

The two other adults in my house are night workers who keep to the same schedule when not working, and they manage to go about their living at their hours without keeping everyone else awake and we go about our days while they sleep by being respectful. We've a few bad days/nights now and then, but my 9 year old can manage that even when he's been the most restricted of everyone in the house, why would I expect less from my college teenager? The idea we should have ear plugs rather than have the teenager socialize in an appropriate volume is just ridiculously low expectations unless you're walls are super thin and I don't see with young adults living longer at home that it's a great dynamic to develop that they don't need to consider the rest of the house.

@BiBabbles,

I agree with you. I could not believe the comment about earplugs. So, working adults should tiptoe around in the morning so as not to disturb the 16 year old Queen of the House’s beauty sleep but they should buy earplugs so that the 16 year old is free to make noise all night.

Sometimes, on here, I feel I have wandered into an ‘Alice Through The Looking Glass’ world.

Adults should set expectations and boundaries and lead by example. Those who live in any house, regardless of age, need to be considerate of others. Keeping the neighbours up could actually be reported to the council as noise nuisance. Of course, teenagers are not little children, but not are they adults. They should be making an age-appropriate contribution to the household.

You cannot call it ‘self regulation’ when a teenager is clearly failing to regulate. Sure, she might get away with it ‘academically’ on a soft arts diploma, but she won’t at any proper university or workplace.

There are such low expectations for teenagers now! How depressing to see the results of this poll.

I got away with staying up crazy hours during the summer hols but I always did my chores. I got in earlier than my parents from school and would therefore cook dinner every evening plus generally doing tidying up, walking the dog etc by the time I was 17. She's a lazy mare! I'm only 30 btw.

I wouldn't be giving her lifts anywhere or any other privledges tbh. How will she learn to respect people when she is so used to walking all over you OP?