To consider letting DD go to her dad every weekend?

[TheWeekendMum]

Background: Split with Husband in 2017 due to his violence and control. DD who is now 6 was almost 3 at the time. ExH took me to court, initially for full residency with no visitation for me, then 50/50 then back to full residency (this time with visitation for me 1 night for tea a week, no overnights) then he back down after we’d been in court a year but he wanted her every weekend overnight. I said a flat out no to that and he was given EOW for 1 night and 1 night a week for tea.

He never has her in the week, ever. Despite me offering different nights, different arrangements, overnight, reducing CM (even though he pays below CMS recommended amount as it is I was desperate for him to see her) nothing, he will not have her in the week. Never has her for extra in the holidays either despite it being on the order. I believe it’s to try and get out of working weekends, as he works for a major retailer who open every day apart from Christmas Day and Easter Sunday.

DD is desperate to see him more, she asks every weekend when she’s going to daddys, saying she wants to go. She’s told school that she only wants to spend a bit of time with me at the weekend but wants to spend the rest with daddy.

I am gutted but seriously considering giving her up every weekend to keep her happy.

I absolutely love our weekends, baking, playing board games, trips to the park. In the warmer weather we eat in the park too, but my house will never be as good as ExHs. He has contact at his parents, they have a 5 bed house, massive garden. DD has her own room which is quite big. I live in a tiny top floor 2 bed flat on the council/housing association shared garden that I can’t leave her in unsupervised because it doesn’t have a fence and is right next to the main road through our town and I can’t move as we’re not considered overcrowded.

DD has some medical issues (Joint Hypermobility Syndrome mainly but also suspected dyslexic and dyspraxic) but her conditions aren’t enough to get a move – we’ve had OT assessments, Physio assessments, letters from the GP. The housing association rejected it all because I don’t get DLA for DD (that’s a whole other thread).

So do I give her up every weekend to make her happy? If I do it there’s no going back and it will be permanent. But I don’t like the thought of my little girl breaking her heart to see her dad. It will absolutely break me but I won’t show it to her, because it’s not about me it’s about her.

School think if ExH takes me back to court and DD tells cafcass that she wants to see daddy every weekend he’d get it, so it’s do I do a deal with him now or wait and see if he takes me to court again?

I don’t know what to do for the best. I work but only in the week, any catching up is done once she;s in bed. She’s at ASC 3 times a week though.

So WWYD?

Is your DD even safe with him ? I'd stick to your current arrangement and not let her go every weekend. You need your quality time with her as well. 6 is too young to decide, when she's a teenager maybe but hold your ground until then.

I also think you should push for the full CM. You need to be tougher.

Wait and see.

Of course she wants to see him more, he is a novelty and has a big house! This is important to a 6 year old desperate for affection from a father she only sees every other week.

But, you know he is a violent, controlling bully. Don’t relinquish more than you have to. Your daughter may be sad in the short term, but you are protecting her in the long term!

@SittingAround1

Is your DD even safe with him ? I'd stick to your current arrangement and not let her go every weekend. You need your quality time with her as well. 6 is too young to decide, when she's a teenager maybe but hold your ground until then.

I also think you should push for the full CM. You need to be tougher.

I have CMS won't chase him for it because he's contributing and I don't have the energy to fight it.

With the greatest respect to your daughters school, they don’t know how Cafcass make assessments and it isn’t all based on what the child says. Otherwise why would they need senior social workers just to report on the child’s wishes? They’ll take into account all of the other aspects of this too and really there would have to be a very good reason for a child not to have equal quality weekend time with both parents. Having a bigger house and bedroom is not that reason.

(Will also point out that Cafcass don’t get involved to that extent with every case - only where there are significant and disputed welfare issues that need a full welfare report to resolve)

@FenellaVelour

With the greatest respect to your daughters school, they don’t know how Cafcass make assessments and it isn’t all based on what the child says. Otherwise why would they need senior social workers just to report on the child’s wishes? They’ll take into account all of the other aspects of this too and really there would have to be a very good reason for a child not to have equal quality weekend time with both parents. Having a bigger house and bedroom is not that reason.

we had full section 7 last time, then 2 addendums S7s so I think school think we might have to go through that again.

And well done for escaping an abusive relationship. (flowers)

stick with your current arrangement. your DD needs time with you, not just a big house. And as she grows, she will appreciate that.

Don't give up your weekends with her.

Its normal for young children to express their favouritism for one parent over another and it doesn't last. When she's older she will treasure these times with you and you don't want to risk her resentment that you gave them up during her awkward teenage years.

Are you able to seek advice from a solicitor about your worries he'll look to change the court order? Many solicitors give half hour or so for free initially.

I'd maybe gently, casually, ask your dd if her daddy tells her to say she wants to be with him more....I wouldn't put it past someone with control issues to attempt to manipulate through their child.

Make sure you're registering with someone official - solicitor or gp, etc, any concerns you might have about her time with her. Eg if she needs physical therapy does he do it with her or only the fun stuff?

As your dd gets older, op, she's more likely to see her dad for what he is. Will she enjoy her time there so much in a few years when she develops more of a mind of her own? When she doesn't always want to do what he thinks they should?

I knew of fathers growing up who were great when their children were young but as they headed towards their teens they just didn't know how to interact with them anymore.

Keep your weekends - and fight for them.

Keep the weekends. They sound lovely and child focused.

I do not agree that a court would give him every weekend. DD is too young for her wishes to be taken into account. He has the option for midweek but wont take it. Kids need down time with each parent.

Think about DD over her whole childhood to the age of 18 not just what she is like now. Will your ex facilitate her spending time with friends on weekends as she grows older, take her to activities etc? How will he cope with a stroppy teen?

Offer him the midweek night again. Keep everything in writing.

At 6 your dd can't know or realise her relationship with you needs opportunity to grow and flourish. Having no weekends would impact on that. I doubt a judge would give him every week end on that basis.
And also a judge may agree your exh is being abusive trying to deny his dd a stable relationship with her dm..
My exh tried to eliminate me from our dc's lives. Even telling school I was dead.. He made excuses in court on why the dc weren't available to maintain the court order I had.. He wasn't looked upon in a good light..

If she wants to see him more, she can see him in the week. You need some downtime with your DD to maintain your own relationship with her. Plus, she probably hasn't fully understood the implication that if she has every weekend with her dad she gets no weekends with you. She's six, she can't truly forsee the what the reality of what she says she wants would look like.

Leave it as it is and if he does go back to court, cross that bridge when you come to it.

Don't give up your weekends with your DD, the time is precious and you won't get that back. Your DD will thank you for it in the long run.

To your DD her father is a novelty and seeing him once a fortnight means he is fun and exciting with none of the dreary day to day stuff. And of course she would like to him see him more because really he isn't seeing her enough. But that is not yours or your DDs fault, it's his.

Don't sacrifice your relationship and good times with your DD to try and fulfil her relationship with him when he can't be bothered.

He's violent and controlling?

He's clearly still the latter so I'm guessing still the former.

Why do you desperately want her to see a violent man more often? Weekends or not.

Do not give in, I'm quite sure having been through this myself that he is being super nice to her in the hopes she will persuade you and once he has his way it will be back to control.
You don't have to do anything. Stick to your current agreement which suits you and do not budge.
If you start wavering he will get in there and manipulate you and make your life hell through your daughter.

we had full section 7 last time, then 2 addendums S7s so I think school think we might have to go through that again.

If that’s the case your ex would have to have a bloody good reason to come back to court or indeed to put you all through more S7 reporting - unless there’s been any significant changes I can’t imagine the judge or Cafcass would look positively on repeated proceedings.

I absolutely would not do this. He’s a violent and controlling bully. Right now at 6, your dd is what I would class as the golden years for the most part. This is a time when children in my experience are most likely to be loving, caring, compliant, look up to their parents and be in awe of them.The more time you spend with your dd, the more chance you have of him controlling and bullying her.

Children don’t stay little and compliant forever. Once they hit the tween and teen years, they change dramatically. My dd is almost a teen and in the past year has gone from being a cuddly, loving, empathetic and compassionate child to one, who thinks pretty much only of herself. She holes herself up in her bedroom when she spent zero time in it before. It’s a normal developmental stage as the brain rewires and will pass. It’s bloody hard right now though. The fighting, the defiance, the boundary testing, the strops, the cruel words....

How do you think her dad will mould her? And how do you think he’d cope with the tween / teen years? More manipulation? Violence? He could cause your dd serious emotional damage.

Also you are the adult and you make the decisions, she is a small child you is unable to see the big picture and if daddy is being great to her it would not occur to her why this is.
My ex still manipulates my son like this and my DS is 38 years old. I have learnt to ignore it 100% or I'd go batshit.

The courts would generally never give every weekend even in 50/50 cases as child needs down time with both parents not one parent doing all laundry supervising homework etc and the other doing the disney days out thing the more scenario is more time in week but given that this is offered but never taken as is the half holidays slot; may not work in his favour anyway it is difficult to argue for more contact when you don't use the contact you already have you can argue he just want sthe disney dad stuff but not the homework and getting ready for school bit, courts generally don't like parents that think RP should do all grunt work and NRP just does fun stuff which is why EOW is so common,

Putting aside some of the other issues. My step kids are with me and DP every weekend (and half the holidays, though the last holidays DSS stayed with us the whole time). They might have a few of weekends a year with their mum for weekends away, Mother’s Day, etc. Their mum moved some distance away when she met her new husband which means we can’t do weeknights as the drive to school in the mornings is too long.

So you get the homework, the drudgery, the rushing to and from school, the dark evenings (in winter) the after school play dates and extra curricular and he get the fun, light, chore free weekends. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

If she wants to see him more he needs to make contact in the week. I can't see how a court will award every weekend if the lazy fucker can't e arsed to visit in the week.

Absolutely not. Your DD is 6, you are the adult. There are lots of things we don't allow our children to do because it would not be in their best interests, even if it would make them happy to do it. From what you have posted, I don't think spending every weekend with your ex would be in your DD best interests.

She’s saying this because he gets to play the role of Disney Dad in his parents lavish home twice a month. If she actually had to spend more time with him, I’m sure he wouldn’t be a novelty to her anymore. If he actually had to make her get ready for school, brush her teeth and hair every day, do homework, take her to school, dentist and all of the other very boring things we do on a daily basis- she wouldn’t actually be bothered about seeing him as much. It’s literally because he gets to be the fun one twice a month so she just wants more of that. You’re the actual parent doing the day to day boring stuff so to a six year old, you’re not as fun but she’ll grow out of this and realise how much more important the things you do are!

If she wants to see him more he needs to make contact in the week. I can't see how a court will award every weekend if the lazy fucker can't e arsed to visit in the week.

I agree with this, with bells on.

And perhaps I’m paranoid, but I think it’s a very strange, strong opinion for only a six year old about weekends, if she’s not being pressurised? That just happens to line up with her father’s demands - ie that she “wants” to be with her daddy at weekends. If he was violent and controlling before, I would imagine or almost fear he might be using some kind of control now, too. While I don’t recommend you questioning her yourself, it might be worth it to take her to a child specialist who can sort of question her in the “right” manner about whether your ex is telling her things like he can only see her on weekends, or that it’s a shame but if she could come on weekends they could be together more, or if she came every weekend, they could do X, Y, or Z, or even something like the only reason she can’t see him every weekend is because mummy doesn’t like him (abusers start rewriting the story very early to young children, sadly).

If she’s specifying to you that she wants to spend time with daddy at weekends, then I really suspect SOMEONE is telling her, as little as she is, that giving her dad every weekend is the only way she’ll get this time (because it sounds like she’s NOT mentioning the bigger bedroom or the bigger garden that you’re concerned about).

Thank you everyone. I absolutely love our weekends, I don't work Monday or Friday so it often feels like I have a long weekend with her, I worry that her dad never gets that. I've offered him the weekday contact every time we speak since we came out of court, he never takes it. He did when we first came out of court then just stopped.

@TwoShades1 does their mum not want them weekends or has it just evolved like that?