To consider letting DD go to her dad every weekend?

[TheWeekendMum]

Background: Split with Husband in 2017 due to his violence and control. DD who is now 6 was almost 3 at the time. ExH took me to court, initially for full residency with no visitation for me, then 50/50 then back to full residency (this time with visitation for me 1 night for tea a week, no overnights) then he back down after we’d been in court a year but he wanted her every weekend overnight. I said a flat out no to that and he was given EOW for 1 night and 1 night a week for tea.

He never has her in the week, ever. Despite me offering different nights, different arrangements, overnight, reducing CM (even though he pays below CMS recommended amount as it is I was desperate for him to see her) nothing, he will not have her in the week. Never has her for extra in the holidays either despite it being on the order. I believe it’s to try and get out of working weekends, as he works for a major retailer who open every day apart from Christmas Day and Easter Sunday.

DD is desperate to see him more, she asks every weekend when she’s going to daddys, saying she wants to go. She’s told school that she only wants to spend a bit of time with me at the weekend but wants to spend the rest with daddy.

I am gutted but seriously considering giving her up every weekend to keep her happy.

I absolutely love our weekends, baking, playing board games, trips to the park. In the warmer weather we eat in the park too, but my house will never be as good as ExHs. He has contact at his parents, they have a 5 bed house, massive garden. DD has her own room which is quite big. I live in a tiny top floor 2 bed flat on the council/housing association shared garden that I can’t leave her in unsupervised because it doesn’t have a fence and is right next to the main road through our town and I can’t move as we’re not considered overcrowded.

DD has some medical issues (Joint Hypermobility Syndrome mainly but also suspected dyslexic and dyspraxic) but her conditions aren’t enough to get a move – we’ve had OT assessments, Physio assessments, letters from the GP. The housing association rejected it all because I don’t get DLA for DD (that’s a whole other thread).

So do I give her up every weekend to make her happy? If I do it there’s no going back and it will be permanent. But I don’t like the thought of my little girl breaking her heart to see her dad. It will absolutely break me but I won’t show it to her, because it’s not about me it’s about her.

School think if ExH takes me back to court and DD tells cafcass that she wants to see daddy every weekend he’d get it, so it’s do I do a deal with him now or wait and see if he takes me to court again?

I don’t know what to do for the best. I work but only in the week, any catching up is done once she;s in bed. She’s at ASC 3 times a week though.

So WWYD?

He does not want more contact. He isn't interested.

You are keeping up excessive contact with him and letting it fill your head with doubts and concerns.

For all you know his parents do 99% of the care and DDs means she really doesn't see her Dad or that she loves me doted on by her grandparents.

It may all be her processing that you are divorced and don't live in a nuclear family .

You are taking what DD says and thinking you need to make her fantasy wishes a reality in order for her to be happy which isn't true! You can hear them, you can reflect her wishes back to her so she knows you acknowledge them and that is usually enough.

You really need some therapy to crate some boundaries around what is in your and DDs best interests. Giving DD what she says she wants is insane unless it's the simple choice between x or y cereal for breakfast.

You haven't processed the abuse yet you think a 7 year old can read the situation and make a wish and know what is best for herself?

I think you need to ask WHY you are 'desperate' for her to see him more?

You can't make him become the father you would like your daughter to have. Sadly.

You can give her a secure, loving home where her abusive father has minimal impact on her life. The more time she has with you, rather than him, the better for her, and as she gets older she will see for herself just how much he (doesn't) care about her, and how much you do.

My partner does one night Fri-Sat sleep over for two weeks and on the third weekend he has his son Fr-Sun. This seems to work well for them both.

She’s very little to be making this decision. My DSD at nearly 7 got excited that her mum and dad both like the same colour and in her head that means they might get back together. She talks about sleepovers and friend meet-ups constantly. She’d live on Nutella if we let her. Etc etc
All this to say that a six year old isn’t wired fir making important decisions!
I can imagine how tough it is to have her constantly make you feel like she’d rather be with her dad. But there’s no logical reason to agree with her request.
Also, in the most recent court judgement for living arrangements for DSD the judge noted very firmly that a child is easily manipulated and completely rejected all evidence around her ‘preference’ for her mum.

He is manipulating her keep your time with her dismiss her saying to you she wants more time with him by changing the subject

Is it daddy this weekend? No its me we are going to do xyz etc just dont engage

@Theunamedcat

He is manipulating her keep your time with her dismiss her saying to you she wants more time with him by changing the subject

Is it daddy this weekend? No its me we are going to do xyz etc just dont engage

She gets upset if I say it's my weekend and what we're doing as in proper meltdown "I want daddy" upset.

Interestingly though my mum mentioned to DD I could die if I eat a certain food and DD went sad and said "But how would I get to my school? I don't want to leave my school"

@JCWildWest

Don't give up your weekends with your DD, the time is precious and you won't get that back. Your DD will thank you for it in the long run.

To your DD her father is a novelty and seeing him once a fortnight means he is fun and exciting with none of the dreary day to day stuff. And of course she would like to him see him more because really he isn't seeing her enough. But that is not yours or your DDs fault, it's his.

Don't sacrifice your relationship and good times with your DD to try and fulfil her relationship with him when he can't be bothered.

I’d argue she may also be trying to placate the scary unstable parent.

Don't give up your weekends. You desperately need that time to connect with your girl. It is vital for her to have a close bond with you, I promise. Who cares if she doesn't get that at this moment in time. She'd probably eat bubble gum for breakfast if she could! She's in no position to realise what she needs.

I think you sound worn down and you're diminishing your importance because you don't realise your own worth and have been hurt by her comments. Put your bruised feelings aside, chin up and tell yourself you're the most important person in her life, because you are.

Big houses and gardens don't come into it. Lucky girl that she gets regular overnights at Grandma's house. Of course she thinks she'd like to go more and of course she's sad her dad doesn't make an effort throughout the week. That's beyond your control so step back from it.

I agree she could be either desperate to placate him OR is he so disinterested in her she isn't to get a few crumbs from him by being in his presence.

Does he do the looking after or is it doting grandparents?

Don't give up your weekends.

Does he live close enough to you to facilitate weekend parties when they restart?
Wouldn't you want the option to take her to see relatives at the weekend ? (Possibly overnight)
Would he host sleepovers ? Parties for her birthday ? (These are at weekends)

I'd start with asking if he'd like to make his weekends Friday night to Sunday evening or if he could take her to school on Monday? Would he like Bank Holiday Mondays? What about making half terms a long weekend?

Your dd is expressing a preference for Dad as it's a novelty at the moment. It sounds like you have great child orientated weekends which she won't realise the value of until she's older and it's gone.

She is old enough to be told she is hurting your feelings and that she is being unkind the biggest change fir my son was when he lashed out at me over something his dad said or did and I turned around and told him I love you more than anything I hate it when you hurt me and I walked away (just to the kitchen to wash up) he stopped seeing me as a punching bag and realised I had feelings too broke my heart but he began to process that its not just "dear daddy" and "nasty mummy" that actually I'm always there for him im not saying it improved things overnight but it helped

Get proper advice from a child and family therapist on how to handle this.
You don't tell a child "you are hurting my feelings". They are not responsible for your feelings.
The child is acting out a situation she is trying to understand
she is very young.
A family therapist can help both of you Talk thru and devise strategies
You need to talk thru everything with a trained professional
I found sessions with family therapy v helpful for me and dc in a separated situation

Her dad could also say "you hurt my feelings by staying at mum .that would be wrong too
Children are not responsible for adults feelings and should not be made to feel so.
It was exp who tried this in my dc.."but I feel so sad you won't see me on Saturday..." at some point he was told not to by social worker involved.

Don't tell her she's hurting your feelings over this. That's for 6 year old issues like if she uses an unacceptable tone of voice.

She's 6 and wishing for more interest from her Dad which is sad but there's nothing that OP can do to change that.

I think it's unusual for a NRP who works Monday-Friday to want all weekends. They will want to see their child but will also want to do adult stuff like socialise, see their partner or do their hobbies too