To consider letting DD go to her dad every weekend?

[TheWeekendMum]

Background: Split with Husband in 2017 due to his violence and control. DD who is now 6 was almost 3 at the time. ExH took me to court, initially for full residency with no visitation for me, then 50/50 then back to full residency (this time with visitation for me 1 night for tea a week, no overnights) then he back down after we’d been in court a year but he wanted her every weekend overnight. I said a flat out no to that and he was given EOW for 1 night and 1 night a week for tea.

He never has her in the week, ever. Despite me offering different nights, different arrangements, overnight, reducing CM (even though he pays below CMS recommended amount as it is I was desperate for him to see her) nothing, he will not have her in the week. Never has her for extra in the holidays either despite it being on the order. I believe it’s to try and get out of working weekends, as he works for a major retailer who open every day apart from Christmas Day and Easter Sunday.

DD is desperate to see him more, she asks every weekend when she’s going to daddys, saying she wants to go. She’s told school that she only wants to spend a bit of time with me at the weekend but wants to spend the rest with daddy.

I am gutted but seriously considering giving her up every weekend to keep her happy.

I absolutely love our weekends, baking, playing board games, trips to the park. In the warmer weather we eat in the park too, but my house will never be as good as ExHs. He has contact at his parents, they have a 5 bed house, massive garden. DD has her own room which is quite big. I live in a tiny top floor 2 bed flat on the council/housing association shared garden that I can’t leave her in unsupervised because it doesn’t have a fence and is right next to the main road through our town and I can’t move as we’re not considered overcrowded.

DD has some medical issues (Joint Hypermobility Syndrome mainly but also suspected dyslexic and dyspraxic) but her conditions aren’t enough to get a move – we’ve had OT assessments, Physio assessments, letters from the GP. The housing association rejected it all because I don’t get DLA for DD (that’s a whole other thread).

So do I give her up every weekend to make her happy? If I do it there’s no going back and it will be permanent. But I don’t like the thought of my little girl breaking her heart to see her dad. It will absolutely break me but I won’t show it to her, because it’s not about me it’s about her.

School think if ExH takes me back to court and DD tells cafcass that she wants to see daddy every weekend he’d get it, so it’s do I do a deal with him now or wait and see if he takes me to court again?

I don’t know what to do for the best. I work but only in the week, any catching up is done once she;s in bed. She’s at ASC 3 times a week though.

So WWYD?

The only thing I would offer is for the well-known contact to be overnight and on a Friday every week that way she doesn't go two weeks without seeing him, the weekend they have together is longer, perhaps grandparents can pick her up from school on a Friday. That is being generous and flexible. Make sure all offers like that are in writing text/email so if he does go back to court you have evidence that you've more than tried to facilitate contact.

*weekday not well-known

with your updates, im honestly surprised youre even considering it. It would absolutely NOT be in her best interests to spend more time than she has to with people that actively hate you and try and alienate you.
The court ordered a specific amount of time, and I think you should stick to that.
If your dd asks, you just say no, this is mummys weekend, and next week is daddys weekend and thats the rules.

I wonder if you can distract her with doing up her room and the garden

Tell the school they need to send him stuff by post.

Seriously only tell him only stuff that is truly important. Performance at school dates etc that aren't in newsletters etc

In the email you can say all info in newsletter.

Absolute bare minimum.

You are divorced it is not your job to pass on school communication to him tell the school they need to send it to him direct or email him to pick it up from them.

The purpose of the CAO email is so he is informed of things that aren't included in newsletter or by formal school contact.

@Branleuse

with your updates, im honestly surprised youre even considering it. It would absolutely NOT be in her best interests to spend more time than she has to with people that actively hate you and try and alienate you. The court ordered a specific amount of time, and I think you should stick to that. If your dd asks, you just say no, this is mummys weekend, and next week is daddys weekend and thats the rules.

I wonder if you can distract her with doing up her room and the garden

I live in a housing assocation place with a shared garden so not allowed to touch it.

I can do her room but it's an awkward shape, I am looking at getting her the bed she wants though.

Sorry, to be blunt I think you would be mad to do this.

Your Dd is 6. Of course she misses him but doesn’t and can’t know how she would miss you if she was away every weekend.

She doesn’t know how she will feel as a pawn, wanted for the weekend work Rita issue, wanted as a child trip and point scoring exercise against you.

If he cared about her feelings of missing him he would see her in the week.

It must be tough hearing her say that she misses him etc, but parenting is tough sometimes.

If she was obsessed with candy floss you wouldn’t let her eat it all weekend long to make her happy.

It must be hard hearing your DD say that but do you really think it would be best for her to:

*Spend every weekend with a violent, controlling bully

*Never spend any down time with her mum

*Miss her weekend activities

*Not do her physiotherapy

I would explain to DD that it's best for her to have fun time with both of you and that's why it's one weekend each but you will speak to daddy and see if he would like to have her over for tea on a Wednesday so it wouldn't be as long between seeing him.

@RandomMess

You are divorced it is not your job to pass on school communication to him tell the school they need to send it to him direct or email him to pick it up from them.

The purpose of the CAO email is so he is informed of things that aren't included in newsletter or by formal school contact.

I have asked school time and again to send it to him but they don't have his address officially on record, and me telling them they won't accept it has to come from him. He will not contact school at all for any reason, her teacher this year doesn't even know what he looks like as due to covid there's been no school sports days or concerts etc.

And they won't send anything by post unless it's requested, I can't not send him her school reports or the results of her spelling tests.

The court will want to know why your ex is breaching the court order by not taking her in the holidays etc. It's also not in her best interest long term as when she gets older she will potentially miss out on birthday parties, playdates etc. She is also missing quality time with you. If your daughter wants more time with her dad get him to adhere to the court documents. Do this through a solicitor to evidence you have tried to get him to see her more

I would include in your next email that the school need to send him confidential items such as x y z by post as you are no longer allowed to pass them on so he needs to supply them with his address as they will not accept it from you. In fact I would put it in writing to the school that you are no longer able to pass on the documents as you are not prepare to leave yourself open to accusations from your violent and controlling ex that you have done so and it's not appropriate that they expect you to do so as surely that is also a breach of past practice in confidentiality!

Put the responsibility back on him.

Hi op,you sound like a lovely mum,the size of your home doesn't matter a jot.
Please don't change your weekends,your dd may say she wants to be with her df but that comes from the stability YOU have given her,knowing you will always be there for her.As she gets older she will be less sure if spending all that time with her df and it will be very difficult to get him to agree.
Carry on with your happy weekends which she will always remember with a smile.she belongs at home.🌈🌻🌻🌻

OP, have you had any support in the aftermath of a violent and controlling relationship?

It might help you to do the Freedom Programme.

Being subject to abuse leaves a very long after effect, and in some ways it sounds as if you are anxious to please, to avoid ructions, in order to appease this man. This is absolutely not a criticism or blame.

@UpTheJunktion

OP, have you had any support in the aftermath of a violent and controlling relationship?

It might help you to do the Freedom Programme.

Being subject to abuse leaves a very long after effect, and in some ways it sounds as if you are anxious to please, to avoid ructions, in order to appease this man. This is absolutely not a criticism or blame.

I did the freedom programme but didn't find it that helpful to be honest, I initially didn't think he'd abused me though so when I did it I don't think I was open to accepting it. It's taken me until this year to really accept what happened and that was only due to realising I was pleased not to be stuck in lockdown with him, until then I'd been saying what he did to me wasn't as bad as what other people went through.

@TheWeekendMum

Thank you everyone. I absolutely love our weekends, I don't work Monday or Friday so it often feels like I have a long weekend with her, I worry that her dad never gets that. I've offered him the weekday contact every time we speak since we came out of court, he never takes it. He did when we first came out of court then just stopped.

@TwoShades1 does their mum not want them weekends or has it just evolved like that?

Don't give up your weekend. With the EOW is it only one night? Maybe you could offer Friday after-school to Monday school drop off. Then on holiday on his weekend he could pick her up in the morning and drop her back Monday afternoon. This would allow them a block of time together each fortnight. If he pushes for all the weekends I'd just reply in writing as per our conversation today I would like to reiterate that I am happy for you to have DD on X week night/s as per court order or to discuss a mutually agreeable week night if you want more contact time. Show willing in writing. As PP said it's very important for DD to have down time with both parents, not just her dad. And given he's not working away or doing shifts or lives far away to preclude DD staying with him for a regular week night the court will look dimly on someone who was offered more time and refused it because it didn't suite them. Don't give him more weekends, that really isn't in your DDs best interests. EOW and if he wants more he can have her a regular week night.

He refuses contact in the week and holidays? But you want to give him more of a Weekend?! Can't you even see that this is not about your child but aaaaall about HIM and what HE wants. He doesn't care about your daughter, he fought for custody but doesn't even follow through with visitation as HE not going to benefit YOU or his daughter. And you want to give him more?!

Good Lord. Keri your time with your daughter. Your ex has shown that he has no interest in even part time parenting. He does one night so he can get a day off work for gods sake.

Your daughter does not knit what is in her best interests. You do. Should it go back to court they can ask him why on Earth he didn't take the mid week contract that was offered repeatedly . Not to mention the holidays!!

^
Don't give up your weekend. With the EOW is it only one night? Maybe you could offer Friday after-school to Monday school drop off. Then on holiday on his weekend he could pick her up in the morning and drop her back Monday afternoon. This would allow them a block of time together each fortnight. If he pushes for all the weekends I'd just reply in writing as per our conversation today I would like to reiterate that I am happy for you to have DD on X week night/s as per court order or to discuss a mutually agreeable week night if you want more contact time. Show willing in writing. As PP said it's very important for DD to have down time with both parents, not just her dad. And given he's not working away or doing shifts or lives far away to preclude DD staying with him for a regular week night the court will look dimly on someone who was offered more time and refused it because it didn't suite them. Don't give him more weekends, that really isn't in your DDs best interests. EOW and if he wants more he can have her a regular week night.^

@SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3 Court order only gives 27 overnights a year which is EOW for 1 night (Sat to Sun) and noon on Christmas Day until Boxing Day morning (although I've never ever complained or minded if he kept her until 27th).

It is very rare for court to give such little overnight contact, seriously they recognise her best interests are only maintaining a light touch relationship with him.

I wonder if there is some sort of course you can do to grow your confidence around parenting DD that you are enough for her? That toxic damaged people are not good for her which sounds like it includes ex and his parents?

Oops, exhausted. Was thinking the Wednesday were overnight. Plus the Saturdays. If youre trying to get more time she can spend with her father would a longer EOW be an option? So Friday after school to Monday school drop off or Sunday evening.

@RandomMess

It is very rare for court to give such little overnight contact, seriously they recognise her best interests are only maintaining a light touch relationship with him.

I wonder if there is some sort of course you can do to grow your confidence around parenting DD that you are enough for her? That toxic damaged people are not good for her which sounds like it includes ex and his parents?

I was thinking this. It's a very limited amount of contact. Maybe maintaining the status quo would be best for DD.

I will reoffer the Wednesday or whatever night is best for him, I'd even compromise and do overnights in the week as long as he gets her to school ok.

Just deciding how to word it in my email.

Court order reads:

"This is a Lives with Child Arrangements Order unless bought before the court at a later date.

DDs Full Name, DOB will live with Mother at (address) from hereon until (date of 18th birthday) upon which the child may decide.

Contact:

A) None Resident Father will have contact from end of the school day until 5.30pm in School Term Time - end of school day is designated as either 3.30pm or the time at which (school name) finishes for (DDs name).
B) None Resident Father will have contact every second Saturday from 9am, overnight and must return to the child to her resident address by 5.30pm.
C) None Resident Father will have contact every Wednesday from 9am until 5.30pm in School Holidays
D) None Resident Father may have contact on 2 other days per week during School Holidays from 9am until 5.30pm or any time within those times that work around his work. Child must be returned to resident address no later than 5.30pm.
E) None Resident Father will have contact from 12pm/Noon on 25th Decemeber overnight until 12pm/noon on Boxing Day. Child must be returned to resident address no later than 12pm/noon.
F) (DDs name) will spend Father's Day from 9am until 5.30pm with None Resident Father and spend Mother's Day with Resident Mother. If these dates fall on the contact time of the other parent then clause F takes precedence over any other contact.

E is the one I'm not bothered about him having her longer for and he generally takes her but it’s the only time he has her for extra, he never does any other time. Doesn’t have her in the week or school holidays.

But that’s it, it’s literally one side of A4.

We settled out of court on the order, this was what he agreed, I offered more than this after he wanted 50/50 but this is all he’d agree too, which is why I’m desperate for him to see her more.

Why are you offering him anything in the first place?

He has the CAO it's up to him use the opportunity he has been given.

What are you trying to achieve by pestering him to have DD when he doesn't want to? You seem to be setting yourself and DD up for more rejection?

Something in your mindset needs to shift?

If you believe more contact is in DDs best interests you are wrong, in the circumstances you describe keeping him far far away is in her best interests.

Sorry a says on a Wednesday from end of school day...