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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider letting DD go to her dad every weekend?

116 replies

TheWeekendMum · 07/05/2021 11:01

Background: Split with Husband in 2017 due to his violence and control. DD who is now 6 was almost 3 at the time. ExH took me to court, initially for full residency with no visitation for me, then 50/50 then back to full residency (this time with visitation for me 1 night for tea a week, no overnights) then he back down after we’d been in court a year but he wanted her every weekend overnight. I said a flat out no to that and he was given EOW for 1 night and 1 night a week for tea.

He never has her in the week, ever. Despite me offering different nights, different arrangements, overnight, reducing CM (even though he pays below CMS recommended amount as it is I was desperate for him to see her) nothing, he will not have her in the week. Never has her for extra in the holidays either despite it being on the order. I believe it’s to try and get out of working weekends, as he works for a major retailer who open every day apart from Christmas Day and Easter Sunday.

DD is desperate to see him more, she asks every weekend when she’s going to daddys, saying she wants to go. She’s told school that she only wants to spend a bit of time with me at the weekend but wants to spend the rest with daddy.

I am gutted but seriously considering giving her up every weekend to keep her happy.

I absolutely love our weekends, baking, playing board games, trips to the park. In the warmer weather we eat in the park too, but my house will never be as good as ExHs. He has contact at his parents, they have a 5 bed house, massive garden. DD has her own room which is quite big. I live in a tiny top floor 2 bed flat on the council/housing association shared garden that I can’t leave her in unsupervised because it doesn’t have a fence and is right next to the main road through our town and I can’t move as we’re not considered overcrowded.

DD has some medical issues (Joint Hypermobility Syndrome mainly but also suspected dyslexic and dyspraxic) but her conditions aren’t enough to get a move – we’ve had OT assessments, Physio assessments, letters from the GP. The housing association rejected it all because I don’t get DLA for DD (that’s a whole other thread).

So do I give her up every weekend to make her happy? If I do it there’s no going back and it will be permanent. But I don’t like the thought of my little girl breaking her heart to see her dad. It will absolutely break me but I won’t show it to her, because it’s not about me it’s about her.

School think if ExH takes me back to court and DD tells cafcass that she wants to see daddy every weekend he’d get it, so it’s do I do a deal with him now or wait and see if he takes me to court again?

I don’t know what to do for the best. I work but only in the week, any catching up is done once she;s in bed. She’s at ASC 3 times a week though.

So WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWeekendMum · 09/05/2021 17:41

Sorry thats 2 extra days per week in the school holidays only, until 5.30pm.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 09/05/2021 18:01

Presumably when she stays with her Dad she sees her grandparents who probably do a lot with her. It may be them she wants to spend more time with. Do you have any relationship with them at all.

Original poster
TheWeekendMum · 09/05/2021 18:04

@Mindymomo

Presumably when she stays with her Dad she sees her grandparents who probably do a lot with her. It may be them she wants to spend more time with. Do you have any relationship with them at all.
No, they hate me, blank me if I walk passed them in the street even if I have DD with me and have offered me money to hand DD over to them on a permanent basis (yes I did contact the police but decided not to pursue it but they were warned).
OP posts:
Rejoiningperson · 09/05/2021 18:10

The first sentence made me think - no this is not a good idea. And don’t be led by your child, she’s only a child, be led by what is best for her.

If your Ex is indeed controlling and violent, then why do you want her around him more?

My oldest DS was always on at me to see his Dad more when he was 6 until 12. It was his Dad speaking through him, every time he saw his Dad, he would hype it all up saying ‘if only you could come more often, I miss you so much, we could have so much fun’ etc. Except he didn’t, like you, want him more in holidays and never school time.

Now DS is older and able to make his own decisions more, he sees his father once every 3 months.

MoesBar · 09/05/2021 18:16

The judge gave him a small amount of contact for a reason.

Stick with it

Starlightstarbright1 · 09/05/2021 18:23

Your Dd needs you.

Be aware she will be teenager then a woman- you know what he thinks of women.

Put it in written history Email/ text offering the days
. You need evidence.

I am absolutely certain it isn’t the right place for her. She is too young to understand. Offer what the courts demand nothing more.

If he got every weekend what do you think would happen if there was a family wedding- you wanted to take Dd on holiday. He would hold all the cards.

CarelessSquid07A · 09/05/2021 18:40

Could her paternal grandparents have her for his weekday contact?

That partly fulfils her request to spend more time there and its fantastic that she feels able to share that with you but doesn't eat into your weekends.

Original poster
TheWeekendMum · 09/05/2021 18:45

@CarelessSquid07A

Could her paternal grandparents have her for his weekday contact?

That partly fulfils her request to spend more time there and its fantastic that she feels able to share that with you but doesn't eat into your weekends.

As I said above they hate me so they'd be unlikely to do it.
OP posts:
Original poster
TheWeekendMum · 09/05/2021 21:30

@MoesBar

The judge gave him a small amount of contact for a reason.

Stick with it

We saw 4 different judges for the 4 different hearings, he was supervised for a period of 3 months before moving to unsupervised, each judge took a different decision on what was right for DD, a different judge on a different day could of made a totally different decision.

I don't necessarily agree the amount of contact stated in the order is whats currently best for DD, she is almost 7 now and was almost 4 when the order was made in 2018.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 09/05/2021 21:37

Don't deviate from the current arrangement without going to court. Just because its what your DD wants doesnt mean its in hers or your best interests.

The risk is that its the thin end of the wedge, if he is controlling he'll use it against you. He can claim you dont stick to the arrangement, and as an excuse to question how much maintenance he has to pay.

GettingItOutThere · 09/05/2021 21:45

no no no! you are the adult. He is disney dad! weekends only!

so no, she only sees that - as she gets older she will want to spent more time at home anyhow, with you! so no, absolutely not. stick to the court order.

if she gets to 8/9/10 and says this then mabey listen to her, but for now no shes 6

Original poster
TheWeekendMum · 09/05/2021 21:47

@GettingItOutThere

no no no! you are the adult. He is disney dad! weekends only!

so no, she only sees that - as she gets older she will want to spent more time at home anyhow, with you! so no, absolutely not. stick to the court order.

if she gets to 8/9/10 and says this then mabey listen to her, but for now no shes 6

She's almost 7, school year 2. So only another year really.
OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/05/2021 22:19

Whatever DD thinks/wants spending more time with an abusive nasty arse hole at the expense of quality time with her Mum is NOT in her best interests.

She craves more time with him because he is a fantasy figure that she is desperate to get approval from.

If he wanted more time with her he would see her during the week or ask if the EOW could be extended to including Friday and Monday.

The court was all about power and winning.

That man is poison to your DD.

BluebellsGreenbells · 09/05/2021 22:41

Why are you desperate to please everyone?

So you really want to do this? You count too!

LittleOwl153 · 09/05/2021 22:54

My ds is 7 and in yr 2. There is no way he knows enough about the world around him to make those kind of decisions. Nor are any of his friends and they are a bright group of kids at the older end of the school year. I'm not certain I would say my 11yr old is. She has the same set of health issues as you describe.

If you give up weekends you will give up connection with her as she gets older. They get involved in so much - clubs, friends, homework, that weekends are the only time you get quality time with them. She will need your support as she gets older to keep onto over everything with those health conditions. Her dad risks damaging her future if he is unsupportive of exercise etc.

It must be awful for you getting this from your daughter and it is hard to retaliate given the court set up. I wonder if saying to dd that she can go on Wednesdays if daddy wants might help her see he actually doesn't want her? You have a long haul fight (teenagers are definately no less headstrong!) But keep fighting for her - she needs you!

Original poster
TheWeekendMum · 10/05/2021 07:47

@BluebellsGreenbells

Why are you desperate to please everyone?

So you really want to do this? You count too!

I don’t count at all not really, it’s about DD and what’s best for her. I want her to be happy and I question everything I do especially while I still have to have so much contact with him.
OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 10/05/2021 07:52

You are her mother - you count in buckets!

She’ll soon be old enough to realtor this herself and then you’ll kick yourself making her go!

He clearly has other ideas!

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 10/05/2021 08:03

I wouldn’t give him more time with her.

  1. he’s abusive so the less time your daughter spends with him the better for her sake and yours
  2. This is about control. Once you give in and let him have his way he will simply find another way to control you. Probably by cancelling last minute/not showing up/showing up very late to collect her or similar.
  3. He isn’t sticking to the midweek contact. He’s not interested in his daughter. At least not enough to put her needs first- not paying the appropriate amount of child support is proof of that as is not sticking to the court appointed contact arrangements. He cares more about himself and getting one over on you. This is very familiar to me- my ex is depressingly similar in his tactics.

Fair play to you, wanting to do what’s best for your child but spending more time with her human garbage father is not the best thing for her even if she does miss him. Concentrate on making your time with her as fun and enjoyable as you can.

RandomMess · 10/05/2021 08:05

You really need some therapy/CBT to get his voice out your head.

You need to understand that DDs long term happiness is not created through exposure to such an awful man. The courts are very clearly that minimal contact is on her best interests.

When she says she wants to see Daddy more what's her real truth? Probably "why doesn't Daddy love me?" She has probably already worked out that she is just a pawn in his game.

Most children want to eat chocolate, crisps, sweets rather than proper meals but we know best.

A secure warm relationship with her primary carer is what will give her a foundation for a happy future. She goes to bed early you need weekends together to have laughter and fun and good times together.

He doesn't want to have her, stop asking him, she was just a pawn in his game.

Have you read "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk". You can acknowledge her wishes and write them on a wish list without ever actioning them and knowing for sure increased contact will be to her absolute detriment.

UhtredRagnarson · 10/05/2021 08:06

To consider letting DD go to her dad every weekend?

Split with Husband in 2017 due to his violence and control.

Yes YABU. You don’t try and increase the time children spend with violent controlling abusers. You try and reduce it. Protect your daughter.

RandomMess · 10/05/2021 08:15

Also you can go back to CMS and evidence that all the CAO says x he only has her EOW for one night so please recalculate the claim.

Allington · 10/05/2021 08:21

Having your daughter every weekend is not going to turn him into the father your daughter wishes he was. It will give him more time to manipulate her and control you.

If he wants more time with her he could use his weekday slot, and take her to and from gymnastics. Until he is doing that, plus using the extra holiday time (and spending that time doing child focussed activities), then he doesn't actually care about your daughter, he is using her.

RandomMess · 10/05/2021 08:22

Also what contact are you having with him? You don't need any.

School can provide him everything they should. You can ask the same of the hospital explain it's a very hostile situation and he uses it to abuse you.

You make her available as per terms of the CAO. Don't message him there is no need to there is nothing to discuss with him.

Original poster
TheWeekendMum · 10/05/2021 08:39

@RandomMess The court order states that I will send him a weekly email detailing anything important, so upcoming appointments, anything she's done well at school, upcoming performances, any appointments she;s had that week. He;s on the mailing list for school (they told me that much) but they don't send anything confidential via email it all comes via bookbags, so I have to tell him if there's a letter for him and arrange for him to pick it up (he usually takes it when he picks DD up).

OP posts:
BoyTree · 10/05/2021 08:48

She deserves a loving, close special relationship with her mother. You are THE most important person in the world to her, and you should prioritise that relationship for her benefit even if she doesn't appear to value it yet.

You wouldn't let her eat sweets all weekend or only watch TV because you know it's not good for her - why let her make a choice that could be just as damaging just because she says she wants to?