To consider letting DD go to her dad every weekend?

[TheWeekendMum]

Background: Split with Husband in 2017 due to his violence and control. DD who is now 6 was almost 3 at the time. ExH took me to court, initially for full residency with no visitation for me, then 50/50 then back to full residency (this time with visitation for me 1 night for tea a week, no overnights) then he back down after we’d been in court a year but he wanted her every weekend overnight. I said a flat out no to that and he was given EOW for 1 night and 1 night a week for tea.

He never has her in the week, ever. Despite me offering different nights, different arrangements, overnight, reducing CM (even though he pays below CMS recommended amount as it is I was desperate for him to see her) nothing, he will not have her in the week. Never has her for extra in the holidays either despite it being on the order. I believe it’s to try and get out of working weekends, as he works for a major retailer who open every day apart from Christmas Day and Easter Sunday.

DD is desperate to see him more, she asks every weekend when she’s going to daddys, saying she wants to go. She’s told school that she only wants to spend a bit of time with me at the weekend but wants to spend the rest with daddy.

I am gutted but seriously considering giving her up every weekend to keep her happy.

I absolutely love our weekends, baking, playing board games, trips to the park. In the warmer weather we eat in the park too, but my house will never be as good as ExHs. He has contact at his parents, they have a 5 bed house, massive garden. DD has her own room which is quite big. I live in a tiny top floor 2 bed flat on the council/housing association shared garden that I can’t leave her in unsupervised because it doesn’t have a fence and is right next to the main road through our town and I can’t move as we’re not considered overcrowded.

DD has some medical issues (Joint Hypermobility Syndrome mainly but also suspected dyslexic and dyspraxic) but her conditions aren’t enough to get a move – we’ve had OT assessments, Physio assessments, letters from the GP. The housing association rejected it all because I don’t get DLA for DD (that’s a whole other thread).

So do I give her up every weekend to make her happy? If I do it there’s no going back and it will be permanent. But I don’t like the thought of my little girl breaking her heart to see her dad. It will absolutely break me but I won’t show it to her, because it’s not about me it’s about her.

School think if ExH takes me back to court and DD tells cafcass that she wants to see daddy every weekend he’d get it, so it’s do I do a deal with him now or wait and see if he takes me to court again?

I don’t know what to do for the best. I work but only in the week, any catching up is done once she;s in bed. She’s at ASC 3 times a week though.

So WWYD?

@RightYesButNo

If she wants to see him more he needs to make contact in the week. I can't see how a court will award every weekend if the lazy fucker can't e arsed to visit in the week.

I agree with this, with bells on.

And perhaps I’m paranoid, but I think it’s a very strange, strong opinion for only a six year old about weekends, if she’s not being pressurised? That just happens to line up with her father’s demands - ie that she “wants” to be with her daddy at weekends. If he was violent and controlling before, I would imagine or almost fear he might be using some kind of control now, too. While I don’t recommend you questioning her yourself, it might be worth it to take her to a child specialist who can sort of question her in the “right” manner about whether your ex is telling her things like he can only see her on weekends, or that it’s a shame but if she could come on weekends they could be together more, or if she came every weekend, they could do X, Y, or Z, or even something like the only reason she can’t see him every weekend is because mummy doesn’t like him (abusers start rewriting the story very early to young children, sadly).

If she’s specifying to you that she wants to spend time with daddy at weekends, then I really suspect SOMEONE is telling her, as little as she is, that giving her dad every weekend is the only way she’ll get this time (because it sounds like she’s NOT mentioning the bigger bedroom or the bigger garden that you’re concerned about).

She mentions us not having a garden and that she'd like one thats just for her to use (rather than shared with the two other children who live in our block) but she never mentions her bedroom or if she does it's in relation to her bed, so she wants a bed with a den under it to put more teddies underneath her bed (she likes to pretend her teddies and dolls sleep when she does and that they snore and thats what sends her to sleep everynight )

You definitely need to keep your weekends, or you will end up just being the parent that nags her to get dressed in the morning and to do her homework, etc. etc.

I wonder if you are contributing in part to her adoration of her father. I know I was so keen not to let my feelings about my ex affect my child that I overegged my enthusiasm for him when he came to see her.

As my ex was someone given to making lots of empty promises, I decided to cut down on teh enthusiasm, without ever badmouthing him and it helped loads.

I split with my husband due to his violence and control

I absolutely love our weekends, baking, playing board games, trips to the park.

Keep your daughter safe with you .

Did you post before saying that your dd is obsessed with her dad and always saying that she prefers to see him over you? And makes up lies about seeing him when she doesn’t?

@Happycat1212

Did you post before saying that your dd is obsessed with her dad and always saying that she prefers to see him over you? And makes up lies about seeing him when she doesn’t?

Yes that was me

Oh ok I thought I recognised the post, no I wouldn’t do that then as next she will be wanting to live with him, stick to what it is, and also could try a mutual exchange as councils are usually very difficult to get a move with and most will see gardens (especially private) as a luxury

6 year olds don’t know what is best for them.

Stick to arrangements and keep offering midweek. Let him know that DD would like to come midweek.

It has been difficult with covid but does she have weekend activities like dancing or sport? She might just be bored of staying home like all of us.

@Lucked

6 year olds don’t know what is best for them.

Stick to arrangements and keep offering midweek. Let him know that DD would like to come midweek.

It has been difficult with covid but does she have weekend activities like dancing or sport? She might just be bored of staying home like all of us.

She does swimming after school 1 night a week and gymnastics at the weekend but ExH won't take her he brings her back to me early enough for me to take her.

No way would I agree to just doing the drudgery of school runs and homework, early nights and exhaustion while he gets to play fun daddy at the weekends. Id rather 50/50 over that set up, but if he wont do weekdays then id stick to EOW and offer time during the week.
The 6 year old doesnt get to choose.

Op your last post where you say your ex won’t take her to gymnastics because it’s on the weekend is a glimpse into your DDs future if he has every weekend. He won’t be willing to take her anywhere.

Kids parties will be starting up again soon. I bet DD won’t want to miss those.
Yes she likes the big house and garden but as she grows she is going to realise that a parent who truly cares about her and her interests is much more important.

@Rainbowqueeen

Op your last post where you say your ex won’t take her to gymnastics because it’s on the weekend is a glimpse into your DDs future if he has every weekend. He won’t be willing to take her anywhere. Kids parties will be starting up again soon. I bet DD won’t want to miss those. Yes she likes the big house and garden but as she grows she is going to realise that a parent who truly cares about her and her interests is much more important.

He took her to parties pre-covid but more because it made him look better to the chair of the PTA whose a parent in DDs class and feeds back to the Headteacher.

@TheWeekendMum She may well want them at weekends but if she had them at weekends it would be impossible for their dad to see them! We used to live quite close and we had them a couple of weeknights and every second weekend. Then she met her new husband and chose to move to where he lives, this is too far for us to be doing a school run so weeknights are out for us and due to DP work hours he can’t just go see them for dinner. Like I said she has them sometimes on the weekends but they are with us most weekends.

Nope, don’t do it

how will you improve things with your dd if you are the one that has to do all the school stuff and discipline and he doesnt?

I take it the chair of the PTA does not know about his previous violence and control (towards you), as if he or she did then it is unacceptable that information is fed back to the Head teacher.

I think no to the request, others have provided many good reasons.

There is no way I’d give up every weekend and only if the courts directed and I’d fight it every step of the way particularly considering you’ve said it’ll be permanent. I work in this area and in my opinion school have no idea what they’re talking about, their experience in this will be incredibly limited. It really annoys me that they’re giving you advice with no qualification to do so. Yes a 6 year olds views are listened to but at that age they cannot possibly understand the implications of every weekend. You’ll lose your quality time and just be doing the hard work of weekday parenting. If your ex was doing the week day night then this probably wouldn’t be happening which isn’t your fault. Also agree that a court are unlikely to give every weekend if he’s not taking advantage of the time he could have with her currently
Also you don’t know that when your DD is with her dad she’s asking to see you and he’s just not telling you.

Don't give up your weekend with your DD. She needs to have fun with you too; not just whatever you can squeeze in after school.

She's reaching an age where parties, swimming lessons, sports/drama/music clubs start to be important at the weekends. She'll miss out if she's with him.

Start bigging up what you do with her, involve her in making plans for your weekends together. Be a bit Disney mum- I know you already are doing lovely things, but make more of a fanfare about it! Photos, etc. Tell people what lovely plans you have, while she's listening.

She is taking for granted what she has, assuming the grass is greener elsewhere. Help her realise her grass is already green!

@newnortherner111

I take it the chair of the PTA does not know about his previous violence and control (towards you), as if he or she did then it is unacceptable that information is fed back to the Head teacher.

I think no to the request, others have provided many good reasons.

They know but only because I told them the HT hasn't even told DDs class teacher

@TaraR2020

Don't give up your weekends with her.

Its normal for young children to express their favouritism for one parent over another and it doesn't last. When she's older she will treasure these times with you and you don't want to risk her resentment that you gave them up during her awkward teenage years.

Are you able to seek advice from a solicitor about your worries he'll look to change the court order? Many solicitors give half hour or so for free initially.

I'd maybe gently, casually, ask your dd if her daddy tells her to say she wants to be with him more....I wouldn't put it past someone with control issues to attempt to manipulate through their child.

Make sure you're registering with someone official - solicitor or gp, etc, any concerns you might have about her time with her. Eg if she needs physical therapy does he do it with her or only the fun stuff?

As your dd gets older, op, she's more likely to see her dad for what he is. Will she enjoy her time there so much in a few years when she develops more of a mind of her own? When she doesn't always want to do what he thinks they should?

I knew of fathers growing up who were great when their children were young but as they headed towards their teens they just didn't know how to interact with them anymore.

Keep your weekends - and fight for them.

Sorry I somehow missed your post when I intially read responses.

I have a solicitor who checks in with me sometimes who I used to go through court originally, I can email her but it does cost to do so.

I've tried asking her if daddy tells her anything but apparently she's not allowed to talk about me, and daddy never asks questions about me, which I can well believe given when we went through court some of the things he accused me of; including abusing him and DD.

He doesn't do anything like physio with her, and refuses to take her to her groups which help her like gymnastics or swimming, although if she's performing or getting a certificate he turns up to take the credit for that. He won't do any schoolwork with her either which can make my job difficult thankfully her teachers now know not to set anything on a Friday to hand in Monday as if it's his weekend it just doesn't get done.

No-one other than school knows what she's saying because I was warning in court that it could look like I was alienating DD or putting words in her mouth so I won't tell anyone.

Just do every other weekend and tell dd that s the way it is.
Why can't he haVe her Friday to .monday every other weekend?

I’m surprised school said that because I think they are wrong.

Once covid restrictions ease, I imagine there will be a lot of school birthday parties and other fun things that will take up a lot of weekends that your DD will be keen to go to.

@Embracelife

Just do every other weekend and tell dd that s the way it is. Why can't he haVe her Friday to .monday every other weekend?

Child Arrangements order is from Every 2nd Saturday from 9am until 5.30pm on the Sunday, that's all court awarded him.

The arrangement is the minimum.
Does the order say any other as agreed?
Why are you think of sending her every weekend? Makes no sense.
Extend to from Friday pick up after school eow if she needs more time

@Embracelife

The arrangement is the minimum. Does the order say any other as agreed? Why are you think of sending her every weekend? Makes no sense. Extend to from Friday pick up after school eow if she needs more time

No just says "Every second Saturday from 9am until Sunday 5.30pm and Every Wednesday from end of school day until 5.30pm apart from in school holidays when None Resident Father will have (DDs name) from 9am until 5.30pm plus 2 extra days per week around his work" he never has her on a Wednesday though and I've offered other days but he doesn't have her, never has her in the holidays either.