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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Is it abuse or not?

105 replies

bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 08:25

I’ve been with my partner for 3 and a half years. We have a baby together.

He speaks to me like shit, constantly calls me a dickhead or a fucking silly cunt or when he’s really annoyed im a fat ugly bastard. He takes money off me and never has his own money. He’s bankrupt me and I’ve had so many arrears with utility bills etc etc. He’s spat at me and hit me several times.

He doesn’t help with our son, won’t get a job and hasn’t ever taken me on any date or even to the cinema. His friends come first. I don’t get Christmas or birthday presents and my mum has to get me a card from my son for Xmas, birthdays and Mother’s Day.
He is so loving with everyone else yet speaks to me and treats me like shit.

Yet despite this he can be nice too. He can be loving and kind. I don’t even know what to call this relationship except a crap one.

OP posts:
MadeOfStarStuff · 07/05/2021 08:26

He’s not nice or kind. He’s abusing you.

KateMuff · 07/05/2021 08:27

Why are you putting up with this. Leave. ASAP. He has no redeeming features

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 07/05/2021 08:27

Yes its abuse. Relationships are meant to be enjoyable why are you putting up with this?

Aprilshowersandhail · 07/05/2021 08:28

Would you tell a loved one how he treats you? Would you want your dc in such a relationship?
So you want your dc to grow up in this environment?
Presumably the answers are all no to the above?
Get rid op.

MyChemicalMummy · 07/05/2021 08:29

Why are you asking this? I think you have answered your own question.

TheMotherlode · 07/05/2021 08:30

Yes, this is absolutely abuse. Being loving and kind to your partner isn’t supposed to be an occasional thing that you’re grateful for. Really good that you’re starting to see this for what it is, next step is to make plans to leave.

Mumoblue · 07/05/2021 08:31

How on earth would this not be abuse?
Get rid of him before your baby picks it up and starts thinking this is an okay way to treat other people. You’ll be better off without this horrible man.

Original poster
bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 08:32

I’m asking because this has been my normal for almost 4 years. Imagining a world where I’m not walking on eggshells or being threatened is like another reality, the threats don’t even bother me anymore as I’m so used to them.

OP posts:
Dipi79 · 07/05/2021 08:33

Is this post for real?!

Cheeseandlobster · 07/05/2021 08:33

Its abuse lovely. Please ask family for help to leave him. He brings nothing to your life and your son may grow up replicating his behaviour if you stay

Original poster
bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 08:34

Unfortunately it is real.

OP posts:
Cheeseandlobster · 07/05/2021 08:35

I voted yabu in error. You are NOT unreasonable

Merryoldgoat · 07/05/2021 08:36

You are absolutely being abused.

I have been with DH 16 years.

He has never shouted
He has never threatened me
He has never hit me

You need to get out. You’re in danger.

skirk64 · 07/05/2021 08:37

YABU. Get the fuck out of this "relationship" - it will only get worse.

Justbeenjabbed · 07/05/2021 08:37

It is definitely abuse, 100% you should definitely, without a doubt, leave him. Call women’s aid, they’ll help you work out how to leave quickly and safely, with your son, even if you have no money. Flowers

MarcelinesMa · 07/05/2021 08:38

He’s abusing you. Completely. The fact you have to ask if he is breaks my heart. He will get worse and worse. Being “nice” to you is part of the abuse. You need to get away from him.

Original poster
bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 08:39

His family know what’s going on and they still act like they’re proud of him etc which confuses me even more. That’s partly the reason I asked too just for clarification

OP posts:
JadedStrumpet · 07/05/2021 08:40

He is abusing you terribly.

You need to leave. If not for yourself then for your baby. This man is both a physical and emotional risk to them.

user1473878824 · 07/05/2021 08:40

Leave. It’s not going to change.

JadedStrumpet · 07/05/2021 08:41

@bethmc93 His family go on like that because to be blunt they are fuck ups too. They created the monster that he is.

Do you have family or friends you can confide in?

BabyofMine · 07/05/2021 08:52

Just leave. Please. There’s literally nothing to stay for and everything to leave for. You’ve wasted four years, don’t waste your entire life.

Original poster
bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 09:05

How do I leave? My mum is my guarantor on my house and I don’t want her liable for the rent.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 07/05/2021 09:09

How old are you? You could claim housing benefit and council tax benefit, you'll be ok. You'll have more money without him leeching off you.
Is his name on the house?

Original poster
bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 09:11

I’m 28. And I am already claiming benefits at the moment, I worked in a shop which ended up in liquidation. No he’s not on the tenancy at all but he’s stated he will not move away from his son, which means if I did leave I’d have to just end my tenancy early which I’m worried about

OP posts:
ElphabaTWitch · 07/05/2021 09:14

Yes abuse. Get out.