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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it abuse or not?

105 replies

bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 08:25

I’ve been with my partner for 3 and a half years. We have a baby together.

He speaks to me like shit, constantly calls me a dickhead or a fucking silly cunt or when he’s really annoyed im a fat ugly bastard. He takes money off me and never has his own money. He’s bankrupt me and I’ve had so many arrears with utility bills etc etc. He’s spat at me and hit me several times.

He doesn’t help with our son, won’t get a job and hasn’t ever taken me on any date or even to the cinema. His friends come first. I don’t get Christmas or birthday presents and my mum has to get me a card from my son for Xmas, birthdays and Mother’s Day.
He is so loving with everyone else yet speaks to me and treats me like shit.

Yet despite this he can be nice too. He can be loving and kind. I don’t even know what to call this relationship except a crap one.

OP posts:

tenlittlecygnets · 07/05/2021 12:13

Love, of course he's abusing you. Just one of those things - spitting, hitting, name calling - is abusive. Can you leave? Tell someone?

PlanDeRaccordement · 07/05/2021 12:19

Since he’s not on the tenancy agreement, he is only an occupant and he has no right to remain in the home. You can tell him to leave. Legally he has no right to refuse to leave. If he refuses, you call the police and they will remove him from your home.
If you’re worried he will get violent or show up and bang on your door..., then also file for a court order at the same time that he cannot come near you. Then if he does show up, the police will arrest him and detain him.

slashlover · 07/05/2021 12:24

@bethmc93

Yes I thankfully have support. My mum is amazing

Try to think of it like this OP. If a man spat at your lovely mum, made her go into debt and called her cunt so she called the police would you blame her? Would you think she had something to be ashamed of? What if a man punched her in the face and gave her a black eye? Or would you, like 99.9% of the population realise that the guy is an abuser and be pleased she took steps to get away from him?

clpsmum · 07/05/2021 12:30

Get out! My husband was the same! So much happier since we split

nicelyneurotic · 07/05/2021 14:31

This is all kinds of abuse. Physical, emotional, financial.

Google financial abuse.

You need to escape this awful man. I'm so sorry he treats you this way.

Original poster

bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 15:54

Today has been awful. He asked me how much money I’m giving him next month. I’ve stood my ground and said nothing. He’s then launched a tirade at me that I’m sat on my arse “getting paid off the government” and I can’t even spare £200.
I feel worthless. I’m due to start a nursing degree in September and I’ve worked since I was 16, I’ve only been on benefits for the last few months. Apparently his dad asked him if “he’s okay living with HER” aka me. Maybe it is me. God knows.

OP posts:

132orbust · 07/05/2021 16:01

It is NOT you
It is NOT you
It is NOT you
It is NOT you
It is NOT you
It is NOT you
It is NOT you
It is NOT you
It is him - he is a pig and a bully. The fact that this seems anyway normal to you shows he has almost broken you.
Please call the police and get rid of him.

132orbust · 07/05/2021 16:02

Use your Mum and friends. Do not be ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. Use any support you can get.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/05/2021 16:05

Absolutely not you. It’s totally him. He’s an abusive monster

Get him out any way you can. Including police. You don’t need pride or maintaining appearances. You need him out.

132orbust · 07/05/2021 16:06

And please OP do not hang around here if he has already blackened your eyes it will just get worse.
Not to frighten you but women die at the hands of violent men so please do not delay.

eviesmum · 07/05/2021 16:09

You've asked a question that you.already know the answer to. If not for yourself, for your son get out of this fast

Atalune · 07/05/2021 16:17

Is it your home?

Put him out and do not let him back in.

Peace43 · 07/05/2021 16:30

The police don’t judge, my sister is a cop... she never judges! Call the cops, get him out, change the locks, apply for a non molestation order.

Cryalot2 · 07/05/2021 16:34

You are the innocent victim. You are not at fault in any way. He is dangerous .
Ring womens aid and they will help you about your tennacy and everything else.
He has physically and emotionally abused you.
You need to phone the police for your own safety. You won't be the first to have told them you were ok, they are not stupid either. Charlie are your neighbours may be aware and concerned for you.
Things won't get better with monsters like this.
Please before he harms you more phone womans aid and tell them all. They will help you .. I wish you and your son happiness. And hope that you get rid of this monster soon.

Original poster

bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 16:42

I’m gonna give women’s aid a call when he goes out later.

OP posts:

Tossblanket · 07/05/2021 16:54

I think you already know.

Based on your first post it sounds as abusive as it gets.

Hopefully someone shoots the cunt.

slashlover · 07/05/2021 16:54

@bethmc93

Today has been awful. He asked me how much money I’m giving him next month. I’ve stood my ground and said nothing. He’s then launched a tirade at me that I’m sat on my arse “getting paid off the government” and I can’t even spare £200. I feel worthless. I’m due to start a nursing degree in September and I’ve worked since I was 16, I’ve only been on benefits for the last few months. Apparently his dad asked him if “he’s okay living with HER” aka me. Maybe it is me. God knows.

What exactly is he doing for money OP? Sponging off of his girlfriend and taking money away from his baby.

Original poster

bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 17:36

Yeah that’s it, he won’t get a job cos none of his mates work and he wouldn’t see them apparently and it’s “slaving life away”
I fucking hate him and his family.

OP posts:

slashlover · 07/05/2021 18:03

You know what you have to do OP, you're young and will be starting a whole new career in September. He's a layabout who's depending on you to pay for him.

It's been 3 1/2 years, do you want to spend the next 50+ years like this?

Pebbledashery · 07/05/2021 18:05

@MyChemicalMummy

Why are you asking this? I think you have answered your own question.

Everything said here.

CloverHilla · 07/05/2021 18:13

@bethmc93

Yeah that’s it, he won’t get a job cos none of his mates work and he wouldn’t see them apparently and it’s “slaving life away” I fucking hate him and his family.

You hate him! I can feel the depth of your hatred in this post. Is this the way you really want you and your child to live?

Msmcc1212 · 07/05/2021 18:16

Definitely abuse OP and not good for your DC mental health. Stay strong and contact Women’s Aid. Do let the police know. Lots of victims of abuse lie about their injuries. It’s something the police should understand and be trained to work sensitively with. For the sake of your children this needs to change. Good luck. It’s not easy but having worked with women who have made it out of abusive relationships, once the initial grieving is over (for what might have been and the good bits) not one of them regrets it. The effect on children lasts but you can get support to help them with it.

You can do it!

MajorMujer · 07/05/2021 18:20

You are not alone op, use this thread to keep track of what is happening and for support. You are not at fault.
He is an abuser.

Warsawa31 · 07/05/2021 18:21

What an absolute waste of skin.

Leave him as soon as possible please op it's really not you it's him he is a vile lazy spoilt immature little boy

MouseInCatsClaws · 07/05/2021 18:22

Please do call women's aid and let them help you to get strong.

Don't look back in a year, 5 years, 10 years, to find you have wasted your precious life being with this utter waste of skin

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