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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it abuse or not?

105 replies

bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 08:25

I’ve been with my partner for 3 and a half years. We have a baby together.

He speaks to me like shit, constantly calls me a dickhead or a fucking silly cunt or when he’s really annoyed im a fat ugly bastard. He takes money off me and never has his own money. He’s bankrupt me and I’ve had so many arrears with utility bills etc etc. He’s spat at me and hit me several times.

He doesn’t help with our son, won’t get a job and hasn’t ever taken me on any date or even to the cinema. His friends come first. I don’t get Christmas or birthday presents and my mum has to get me a card from my son for Xmas, birthdays and Mother’s Day.
He is so loving with everyone else yet speaks to me and treats me like shit.

Yet despite this he can be nice too. He can be loving and kind. I don’t even know what to call this relationship except a crap one.

OP posts:
Iluvfriends · 07/05/2021 09:15

He's not on the tenancy so tell him to leave, if he doesn't leave phone the police.

Original poster
bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 09:17

In general I wanted to avoid phoning the police as I don’t want a big kick off in front of my son. Not to mention the neighbours

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 07/05/2021 09:19

Does he live with you?

Anyway, the house is in your name, if you ask him to leave he has no legal right to remain.

Iluvfriends · 07/05/2021 09:20

Ask him politely to leave, if he doesn't get someone to mind your ds away from your home, then phone the police.

Themadcatparade · 07/05/2021 09:21

Op you need to leave. It sounds like you are thinking about it too. When I say leave I mean leave the relationship, not the house, you keep that.

Contact woman’s aid and they will help you. Keep a record of when he hits or is abusive to you, try and get evidence in case you need it. Contact a solicitor for some free initial advice and see if you can get a restraining order or something against him to leave you at peace.

This is so so so important for the sake of your son. Also equally as important for the sake of yourself. By staying with this man you are denying yourself the chance to be with someone who truly truly loves and adores and cares for you.

Palavah · 07/05/2021 09:22

I'll be blunt: would you rather your son witnesses this man abusing you, and potentially is himself abused by this man in future, or learns that this is how men treat women?

Please call Women's Aid. Can you call from your mum's house? The police can help too. What you've described is financial abuse which is a crime.

Themadcatparade · 07/05/2021 09:22

@bethmc93

You can get the police involved without your son being in the middle of this. Can any friends or family look after him for a night or two whilst you break up? I’d be chucking his stuff out and changing the locks me. Ideally at least have someone there with you when you end it

MarcelinesMa · 07/05/2021 09:26

Honestly fuck the neighbours. Easier said than done but if you ever need to call 999 don’t hesitate. You probably will at some point as he’s already hitting you as well as everything else.

Phone either the phone the helpline 08082000247 or google your local area and women’s aid and there will be a local number. They can give you advice and help. Please be honest with them about everything (not that you’re lying but don’t feel like you have to hold anything back, you really don’t). Do this when he isn’t around, never tell him, delete the search and the number afterwards just incase.

Merryoldgoat · 07/05/2021 09:27

@bethmc93

In general I wanted to avoid phoning the police as I don’t want a big kick off in front of my son. Not to mention the neighbours
If you were my neighbour I’d be happy you called them and I’d support you however I could.
Merryoldgoat · 07/05/2021 09:30

When men are this abusive the point you end the relationship is the most dangerous. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t, it means you plan it properly.

Get advice. Call Women’s Aid and see what the next steps are. Tell people what he’s like. Tell your doctor. Tell your family. Document the abuse. Call the police if he starts being aggressive.

It’s time to act.

ILoveMondayMornings · 07/05/2021 09:40

In the kindest way possible ... if you don't call the police and have this man removed you (and he) will damage your child emotionally. Domestic violence is awful for a child to watch and hear, really really damaging. You are clearly the only responsible adult in your child's life so it is your role to keep them safe. Currently they are not safe.

Do you have some support ? You can do this. It's totally abuse and he will never change.

Original poster
bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 09:45

If I call the police I’ll feel like such a dickhead. Someone phoned them last year when he blacked my eyes and I fucking lied to them and I’m so ashamed this is happening and I don’t know why I’m ashamed

OP posts:
Original poster
bethmc93 · 07/05/2021 09:46

Yes I thankfully have support. My mum is amazing

OP posts:
FuckyouCovid21 · 07/05/2021 09:48

What's really upsetting about this post is that you have to ask if this is abuse? Damn right it's abuse, he's emotionally abusive, financially abusive and if he hasn't been already, physically abusive. I'd have been out of there the first time he called me a name like any of those.

You need to get out and get out now, protect yourself and your child from this vile scumbag

pinkyredrose · 07/05/2021 09:52

If he's not on the tenancy he has no legal right to be there. Please call Womens Aid, they'll be able to give you good advice.

Shoxfordian · 07/05/2021 09:52

Ask your mum to help so you can leave him

BilboBercow · 07/05/2021 09:53

OP I I didn't read beyond the 4th line of your op. Of course it's abuse, very serious abuse.

bookworm20 · 07/05/2021 10:03

Please don't feel ashamed. He is abusing you, but that is not your fault or shame at all. That's all on him.

The fact you know you need him gone is a good step.
Honestly, if he won't leave, please call the police.

Your neighbours will not bat an eye, and if I had a neighbour who had to do this to get her abusive partner out, I would be there supporting them, not judging them and yours are likely the exact same OP.

Someone was concerned enough for you to call the police previously. The police will not judge you for lying that time, because you are in an abusive relationship and they see this all the time. And they will understand.

Whats important, is you need help now, and you need to get help now.
If you're worried about your dc, can you have someone watch them when you ask him to leave?
If you think he may get violent, make sure someone is with you, or certainly within earshot and can get in and help you/call the police for you.

maddening · 07/05/2021 10:11

Yes, this is abuse, organise your escape plan and implement it.. You will look back and be so relieved. Your life will be better, you can be happy, you don't need this in your life.

VegCheeseandCrackers · 07/05/2021 10:14

He's a monster OP. Get out of there. Can you take the wee man and go stay at your mums for a bit?

Iooselipssinkships · 07/05/2021 10:43

It will never get better OP, never. He won't change, he'll only get worse. As plenty have said it's important to protect your child. Leaving isn't easy but you've taken the first step by coming on here and seeking advice. Be proud of yourself OP and keep making those steps. Speak to family, friends, Women's Aid, police, your GP and get the support to leave this horrible bastard. Start living the life you and your child deserve.

slashlover · 07/05/2021 11:56

Sorry to be blunt but it will hurt your son more if his dad kills his mum.

Leafy12 · 07/05/2021 12:04

@bethmc93

If I call the police I’ll feel like such a dickhead. Someone phoned them last year when he blacked my eyes and I fucking lied to them and I’m so ashamed this is happening and I don’t know why I’m ashamed
It's ok, you don't want this to be real, that's understandable. But it is OP, his family think he is the shit and he does too, but you know he is an abuser and you need to get away right now. You are emotionally neglecting the need your child has to live in a safe space the longer you remain in this hell. Fuck the neighbours, just get out.
Leafy12 · 07/05/2021 12:07

Also, drop the confusion about why you are ashamed. We live in a country where we still struggle to talk about difficult subjects like domestic violence, mental illness, abuse, yet it still goes on. Don't question yourself on that one, just look at your daily reality and ask if you are safe. Your post implies you are not.

Aprilshowersandhail · 07/05/2021 12:11

Better to feel like a dick head than actually be one.. No police officer will judge you op...
Nobody on here does either..
Never too late to get out and get a new life..

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