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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can my ex claim back maintenance?

145 replies

ConfusedCarrie · 06/05/2021 21:32

My DS is 10. His DF left in 2013. When he left, he contacted the CSA and told me he would voluntarily pay me £350 per month. I have no idea what he earned. He did say that he had rounded it up to make it a better number. By how much, I don't know. FF to 2021 and I am struggling financially. My hours have been cut drastically and my DS has outgrown all his clothes and I have our mortgage to pay. I asked if ExH would just consider an increase in his maintenance. He said he couldn't afford to, he's struggling financially because of Covid (he's a keyworker so no change in wages and he has no mortgage or rent). He says he has been in contact with the CMS and he has been overpaying me, I'm entitled to £210 per month. The CMS have said he can claim back all the money he has over paid.

YABU - of course I should pay it back, I wasn't entitled to it.
YANBU - he knowingly and voluntarily overpaid so I should not have to pay to back.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/05/2021 13:44

Bollocks.

He's lying to manipulate you.

sofato5miles · 07/05/2021 13:49

Why oh why do posters say things like "ooh that's loads i get 20p a month for 7". It is entirely unhelpful and is frankly ignorant.

Graphista · 07/05/2021 14:02

No. The cms amount is a MINIMUM required amount, he agreed to pay more that was his choice he has no right to ask for it back now. Also cms amounts are pathetic anyway

If he's a keyworker do you know what his salary is? If so you can check on the cms calculator yourself what he should be paying as a MINIMUM.

Stand up for your dc and yourself

Bibidy · 07/05/2021 15:04

I think the best thing you can do is go to CSA yourself and have it assessed officially, but obviously beware that it could go up or down for you. There is no way you will be asked to pay back something he gave you voluntarily though, definitely not.

He said he couldn't afford to, he's struggling financially because of Covid (he's a keyworker so no change in wages and he has no mortgage or rent).

I don't think you can assume his financial situation to such an extent really, he could have had a paycut/change in hours like you, or any number of other things.

I think potentially you might also need to look for some light on the horizon with your own job - maybe contact HR and question them about when/whether they intend to increase your hours again, or start looking for something else.

Realistically the CM you receive from your ex doesn't depend on what you earn, he's not really responsible for making up the wages that you've lost, in the same way he shouldn't have to give you less if you got a payrise.

ivegotthisyeah · 07/05/2021 15:17

Wow I am in this exact position but scared to go to CMS incase I have to pay back his voluntary payments which were more that cms calculated so I'll be even worse off as my ex has made up a figure and that's what I now get. I have messaged Cms to ask this very question so will update you all!

JustLyra · 07/05/2021 15:19

@ivegotthisyeah

Wow I am in this exact position but scared to go to CMS incase I have to pay back his voluntary payments which were more that cms calculated so I'll be even worse off as my ex has made up a figure and that's what I now get. I have messaged Cms to ask this very question so will update you all!
CMS categorically don’t get involved with anything before you open a case.

Can you imagine the outrage if it was possible for a RP to suddenly put in a backdated CMS claim chasing years of non-payment or under-payment?

It’s the same thing. Until you open a claim they don’t have any involvement or care of what went on between you.

Bibidy · 07/05/2021 15:44

@ivegotthisyeah

Wow I am in this exact position but scared to go to CMS incase I have to pay back his voluntary payments which were more that cms calculated so I'll be even worse off as my ex has made up a figure and that's what I now get. I have messaged Cms to ask this very question so will update you all!
I honestly don't think there's any way you would have to pay voluntary payments back.

The only way I could ever see any money going back in the other direction is if it was in a case where CMS was taking the money from the NRP and they had accidentally taken the wrong amount.

knittingaddict · 07/05/2021 15:47

@ivegotthisyeah

Wow I am in this exact position but scared to go to CMS incase I have to pay back his voluntary payments which were more that cms calculated so I'll be even worse off as my ex has made up a figure and that's what I now get. I have messaged Cms to ask this very question so will update you all!
We already know the answer, thanks. You won't have to pay it back.
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 07/05/2021 16:12

Go through the CMS and if he asks why 'oh, well, I thought it would be best for them to adjust for any overpayment rather than risk them making a mistake and taking too much from you'

As though you actually believed the bollocks that was coming out of his mouth and it's all his fault that you went to them...

Original poster
ConfusedCarrie · 07/05/2021 19:34

Silly man! It's not a debt, it's him giving maintenance. If it went any further a solicitor would point out that he voluntarily gave this amount each month to support his son. No one forced him. If he'd felt he couldn't afford it he could have got CMS involved earlier.
I didn't think of it that way

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedCarrie · 07/05/2021 19:49

LaurieFairyCake

OP can you come back when you've opened a CMS case and got your first payment please?

We could run a book on how much you get

I'm picking £550 a month ..

Definitely.

For everyone saying why am I believing him, everything Google showed me backed him up but logic told me no. He is adamant I would have to pay him.

He has no other kids. My other DC father pays nothing (CMS do a direct pay and he quits) and he has just found out. Tonight I've had the whole "I'm not paying for them" speech Hmm

I have phoned the CMS and no I don't need to pay it back but I can't claim underpayment either. I have given them all his details as far as I know them (he is very secretive). Claim started so watch this space Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedCarrie · 07/05/2021 19:52

@NeverDropYourMoonCup
I have asked "is that what you want to do?" And he has said yes that way I get what I'm entitled to Hmm. He send the message via WhatsApp so I have it in writing Grin

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 07/05/2021 20:06

He will have to provide his P60 to the cms so it won't just go on his say so.

Good for you for putting a claim in. My ex moaned like a good un when I did it, but it saves any arguments and meant when he argued the toss I said it wasn't my decision it was the cms's

CombatBarbie · 07/05/2021 20:15

He doesn't have to provide his p60, they go direct to HMRC, one of the benefits of the new system so there is no attempts to delay or fudge figures.

I think your in for a nice increase OP. I went from voluntary 170 to CMS 289 a month.

Thepennyhasdroppedq · 07/05/2021 22:36

YABU. You shouldn't of asked him for more money. £350 is a lot of money each month.

Thepennyhasdroppedq · 07/05/2021 22:39

So you can't buy your child clothes out the £350 he pays you each month? Where are you buying your clothes from designer village? Sorry to be rude but asking someone for more money while they are giving you £350 a month and struggling themselves is ludicrous

Wishitsnows · 07/05/2021 22:40

He sounds like a complete nob. Glad you are going to CMS, yes he will pay the government bare minimum requirement rather than do the best for his child but its so laughable that he thinks he can get back payments.

Hawkins001 · 07/05/2021 22:49

All the best op

Rejoiningperson · 07/05/2021 22:54

The CMS is not a ‘fair division’ of what it costs to bring up a child.

It is the minimum enforceable amount.

That is a key difference and it’s crazy that anyone would actually think the CMS is able to calculate what a child needs in terms of costs. It doesn’t. It’s just a fail safe for people who are too mean to pay more!

Rejoiningperson · 07/05/2021 22:58

@Thepennyhasdroppedq

YABU. You shouldn't of asked him for more money. £350 is a lot of money each month.
I cannot believe that in modern times people would be openly trying to reduce financial security for any child, and to enable men to scrape the bare minimum for their kids, and prop up misogynistic and evasive funding of the costs of children.

If he could afford to pay it, why should he hang onto his money and not fund his children’s upbringing? You couldn’t rent a room for £350 in most places in the UK let alone feed, clothe etc

Unbelievable that anyone would prop up men keeping their money for themselves and not their family.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 07/05/2021 23:20

Glad you're not letting him bullshit you and you've gone to CMS.

Don't let anyone tell you you're being greedy. The money is for your child. Children of high earning parents should not have to scrape by.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/05/2021 08:21

£350 isn’t just for clothes. It covers any costs of a child, things like the extra bedroom, a proportion of the utility bills, the drop in income to work around them, childcare, food, travel etc etc.

Please do update us when you get the CMS calculation. It’ll be based on HMRC data so should be accurate.

Original poster
ConfusedCarrie · 08/05/2021 08:58

So you can't buy your child clothes out the £350 he pays you each month? Where are you buying your clothes from designer village? Sorry to be rude but asking someone for more money while they are giving you £350 a month and struggling themselves is ludicrous

He's not struggling. That I'm sure of. Things like his car, his clothes, his shoes being new or nearly new show it. I am still wearing clothes I bought 3/4/5 years ago. He's not. His car was bought new less than 3 years ago. If I believed for one minute he was genuinely struggling, I wouldn't have asked him.

@Thepennyhasdroppedq
Why shouldn't I ask him for more money? My name is not Mary and I didn't get pregnant by immaculate conception. He is just as responsible for DS as I am. If I took all bills, gas, water, electric, mortgage, food etc and divide them by 4 (me and 3 DC) then added on clothes, shoes and clubs for DS. I bet I get to more than £210 per month. So I struggle pay the majority of the costs for DS and go without, XH gets all the luxuries?

Anyone know how long it take to get an assessment?

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 08/05/2021 09:00

From phone call to first payment I was about 6 weeks OP.

MarcelinesMa · 08/05/2021 11:49

@ConfusedCarrie

So you can't buy your child clothes out the £350 he pays you each month? Where are you buying your clothes from designer village? Sorry to be rude but asking someone for more money while they are giving you £350 a month and struggling themselves is ludicrous

He's not struggling. That I'm sure of. Things like his car, his clothes, his shoes being new or nearly new show it. I am still wearing clothes I bought 3/4/5 years ago. He's not. His car was bought new less than 3 years ago. If I believed for one minute he was genuinely struggling, I wouldn't have asked him.

@Thepennyhasdroppedq
Why shouldn't I ask him for more money? My name is not Mary and I didn't get pregnant by immaculate conception. He is just as responsible for DS as I am. If I took all bills, gas, water, electric, mortgage, food etc and divide them by 4 (me and 3 DC) then added on clothes, shoes and clubs for DS. I bet I get to more than £210 per month. So I struggle pay the majority of the costs for DS and go without, XH gets all the luxuries?

Anyone know how long it take to get an assessment?

Damn right OP. 100% agree. If a parent is doing well for themselves, say, earning decent money, they should want to share that with their child, improve their child’s life. Sadly far too many NRP seem to go out of their way to avoid financially supporting their children properly/to the best of their ability. And an overwhelming number of those NRP seem to be fathers, at least in my experience and from what I’ve seen.