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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can my ex claim back maintenance?

145 replies

ConfusedCarrie · 06/05/2021 21:32

My DS is 10. His DF left in 2013. When he left, he contacted the CSA and told me he would voluntarily pay me £350 per month. I have no idea what he earned. He did say that he had rounded it up to make it a better number. By how much, I don't know. FF to 2021 and I am struggling financially. My hours have been cut drastically and my DS has outgrown all his clothes and I have our mortgage to pay. I asked if ExH would just consider an increase in his maintenance. He said he couldn't afford to, he's struggling financially because of Covid (he's a keyworker so no change in wages and he has no mortgage or rent). He says he has been in contact with the CMS and he has been overpaying me, I'm entitled to £210 per month. The CMS have said he can claim back all the money he has over paid.

YABU - of course I should pay it back, I wasn't entitled to it.
YANBU - he knowingly and voluntarily overpaid so I should not have to pay to back.

OP posts:

ElphabaTWitch · 07/05/2021 07:55

Have CMS actually been in touch with or confirmed this with you?

PicaK · 07/05/2021 07:59

There is a calculator online
Ask him to put his details in and send you the breakdown it produces.
You can see if he's picked eg less than 1 night a week, 1-2 nights, etc
You can see what his wage is (after pension deductions are taken off).
If he won't supply that then he's something to hide and you can put your claim in
But he must be talking rubbish about reclaiming because he didn't even go through them in the first place and it was voluntary.

cupoftea2021 · 07/05/2021 07:59

The don't rock the boat comments are not supportive at all. More like play down to this man- NO!
Any parent is allowed and entitled to ask the dad for help as he is the person who should be helping.
His choice to overpay".
Your choice to ring and ask the facts.
Never believe it until it's in writing with a ex-child- money.
Do you have a layby Afterpay you could get your child a few things through?

Lessthanaballpark · 07/05/2021 08:00

OP tell him ok, you need to go through CMS to verify. That will scare the life out of him because his money will be assessed and he probably knows he should pay more.

But no, he can’t make you pay it back.

MarcelinesMa · 07/05/2021 08:11

Pretty sure he’s bluffing about over payments being paid back. For a start the amount set by CMS is a minimum amount of money the NRP should pay- they can always pay more if they want to. If you want reassurance phone up CMS though.

Your ex is a cheeky grasping shitbag.

purplebagladylovesgin · 07/05/2021 08:23

If CMS get involved they only act from the date they are involved. So anything that has been arranged privately, prior to this is irrelevant.

He's given you money to support his son and you've used it to support his son.

The CMS are only concerned with you getting maintenance going forwards.

Reading between the lines, I think you've asked him for more, he's typed in his income to CMS and realised he's been paying you more than the minimum. He now wants it back.

He can't get it back, how can he? It's been spent on his son as it was given for this.

Silly man! It's not a debt, it's him giving maintenance. If it went any further a solicitor would point out that he voluntarily gave this amount each month to support his son. No one forced him. If he'd felt he couldn't afford it he could have got CMS involved earlier.

Don't give it another thought.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/05/2021 08:24

I don't think he's telling the truth. This was a private agreement not an assessment.

ALevelhelp · 07/05/2021 08:25

Crikey liar liar pants on fire!!

Honestly as if CMS would say that?! He's trying his luck on that one I'd say. What sort of Dad asks for money back?! I can understand him reducing down to the CMS required amount (assuming he really cannot continue the £350), but asking for money back from your own child is bloody low..!

MarcelinesMa · 07/05/2021 08:28

Also can I say how much I hate comments like “what are you complaining about getting x amount for one child (when the amount is probably less than it should be) when I only get y amount (a pathetic sum) for 4 kids from my ex? Count yourself lucky!”

Just fucking stop. No one should be considered “lucky” when their ex is paying in full on and on time- that’s the bare minimum of what the NRP should be doing. Equally if your ex is paying a paltry pathetic amount (mine is too these days) then that bloody sucks but it’s not a race to the bottom. The expectation should be that all NRP should be providing properly for their children. No need to tear other resident parents down for getting more money.

TDMN · 07/05/2021 08:33

Wow he sounds awful, he's an area manager for a supermarket and he thinks he can try and claim Covid impacted him financially when the supermarkets have been the one thing open??? Even putting that aside, if he's an area manager its salary not hourly, so how exactly would he have been a position where it dropped? He wont have been furloughed! He's playing you, but ring CMS to put your mind at rest anyway. And no, he cant claim it back, he volunteered the money plus its been spent on you raising his child, no court is going to look kindly on him only ever bothering to have him every other weekend (and not even that reallty) when he's unlikely to be doing randomised shift working that position so no excuse not to have him more!

GappyValley · 07/05/2021 08:34

Reading between the lines, I think you've asked him for more, he's typed in his income to CMS and realised he's been paying you more than the minimum. He now wants it back.

Nah, I think it’s the other way round. He has typed his income in to the calculator and seen he should be paying more, and should have been for a while

So he is now shitting it that he will have to pay back the under payments for however many years, and he doesn’t want to use up his nice holidays/gadget/car savings pot on something as boring as his own child, so is now trying to shit up OP into staying away from CMS

Call his bluff OP. I will eat my hat if it doesn’t turn out he has been underpaying you

skirk64 · 07/05/2021 08:34

It's unlikely that you will be expected to pay him anything back.

However: if you get CMS involved and his minimum payment is actually lower than £350 (which is a hell of a lot actually compared to what many SPs get) he will be perfectly entitled to lower his contribution.

It's your gamble really, if you are sure he should legally be paying more then get them involved, otherwise it's a risk.

BrimFullOfAsher · 07/05/2021 08:35

Obviously you need to speak to CMS yourself, they are the only ones who can advise.

It's extremely unlikely you have to pay anything back howeve, if indeed their calculations are lower than the £350 voluntary, he would be within his rights to reduce to that amount.

I'd be weary of this if there IS a risk it will be lower.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 07/05/2021 08:36

He's lying. It was his own choice to pay you the £350. It was not a legal agreement and not forced upon him so no, he can't claim it back.
He now fancies reducing the amount so is bullshitting you about contacting them.
Contact the CMS and sort it out yourself.

knittingaddict · 07/05/2021 08:40

[quote ConfusedCarrie]@mainsfed 1p a week. I can do that 🤣
@BoomBoomsCousin He works for a supermarket as a area manager.

He has DS 1-2 nights a month. The arrangement is every other weekend but he never has him Friday. He picks him up Saturday and brings him home Sunday. He often bails on at least one weekend overnight and sees him for a couple of hours instead.[/quote]
You definitely should be getting more then. I know someone with an ex in a similar job and she was getting £850 for 2 children with 100% of care. It has been reduced to £650 now that he is in a lower paying job and he has the children more than your ex sees his - the standard 2 nights every other weekend.

He is lying and I would go through CMS now.

MarcelinesMa · 07/05/2021 08:41

@GappyValley

Reading between the lines, I think you've asked him for more, he's typed in his income to CMS and realised he's been paying you more than the minimum. He now wants it back.

Nah, I think it’s the other way round. He has typed his income in to the calculator and seen he should be paying more, and should have been for a while

Call his bluff OP. I will eat my hat if it doesn’t turn out he has been underpaying you

Agree completely with this. Definitely call CMS you have nothing to lose and possibly more money for your child to gain.

MaryMow22 · 07/05/2021 08:41

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with such a jerk :( Could you speak to some of your friends and see if anyone has any second hand clothes your son could have? I LOVE getting handmedowns and also always pass along all of my children's old clothes to friends who could use them. Zero shame about that - the kids don't mind either they are always happy to have new things!

knittingaddict · 07/05/2021 08:50

The person I knew in that job was on more than £60,000 plus bonus. It's definitely worth going through the CMS.

ALevelhelp · 07/05/2021 08:50

Do you know which store he works for? We might be able to work out roughly his yearly salary..

harknesswitch · 07/05/2021 09:12

My exdh had me thinking he was on about 30k a year. For 4 years he paid cm based on that. I eventually went via cms for various reasons, he was earning 64k strangely enough when he found out how much he'd have to pay he suddenly wanted 50/50 care. It never came to that once he realised he'd actually have to 'care' for his dc. But I'll never trust a word he says, he wanted me to close the cms case once it had all been settled, I'm presuming because he doesn't want them to check each year and include any bonus or salary increase. I told him to bugger off.

ALevelhelp · 07/05/2021 09:27

My Ex has conveniently not got his tax form in on time 2 years in a row, so when the annual CMS renewal comes in it's always zero! . Out the kindness of his heart, he gives a set amount a week - lucky me. He's always been a bit of a wheeler dealer so I'm sure he's working on the side, I just can't prove it and TBH can't be bothered to prove it - I'm lucky to be in a position that I don't need his sodding money to live on. It's his ex wife I feel for, she has two children with him and I hope he pays more to her

ALevelhelp · 07/05/2021 09:28

@harknesswitch

My exdh had me thinking he was on about 30k a year. For 4 years he paid cm based on that. I eventually went via cms for various reasons, he was earning 64k

strangely enough when he found out how much he'd have to pay he suddenly wanted 50/50 care. It never came to that once he realised he'd actually have to 'care' for his dc. But I'll never trust a word he says, he wanted me to close the cms case once it had all been settled, I'm presuming because he doesn't want them to check each year and include any bonus or salary increase. I told him to bugger off.

I'd be so ashamed of myself, who do these "parents" think they are?

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/05/2021 13:36

[quote ConfusedCarrie]@mainsfed 1p a week. I can do that 🤣
@BoomBoomsCousin He works for a supermarket as a area manager.

He has DS 1-2 nights a month. The arrangement is every other weekend but he never has him Friday. He picks him up Saturday and brings him home Sunday. He often bails on at least one weekend overnight and sees him for a couple of hours instead.[/quote]
According to Glassdoor, typical salary for an area manager for Morrison’s is £120k+ a year (plus bonus)

The CMS calculator gives a payment of £850 a month on that base salary even if he had your DS 1 night a week. £1k a month if you use the actual number of nights DS stays.

Now he may not be on quite that much, and if he pays maintenance for other kids or lives with someone with kids then that could reduce things a bit. But seems highly unlikely it would be pulling the number down close to the £200 a month he suggested.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/05/2021 13:41

OP can you come back when you've opened a CMS case and got your first payment please?

We could run a book on how much you get

I'm picking £550 a month ...

19lottie82 · 07/05/2021 13:42

I googled the average salary for a Tesco area manager and it’s 50k ish. Then put it into the CMS calculator based on your circumstances, he has no other kids, 1 child stays with other parent less than one night a week and it says he should be paying £477 a month. Go to the CMS and put in a claim.

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