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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect men to take a genuine interest in me?

106 replies

JadedStrumpet · 06/05/2021 08:19

Separated from DH for 18 months. I've been out on a few dates with a couple of guys in the last six months. Slow going obviously due to covid.

Guy 1 messages me yesterday asking how I am. I told him I was ill with a bad throat infection and my DC have it as well. He replies telling me all about some issues he has at work. Makes no reference at all to the fact I've just said I'm unwell.

Guy 2 also messaging last night. We get chatting about when he separated from his ex. He's talking about it and I'm responding. I'm asking questions but also mentioning bits and pieces about my own separation. He answers my questions but totally fails to comment on anything I'm saying about my own experiences.

Both conversations left me feeling really deflated. I then spoke to a good friend of mine who told me not to take it personally and its just what men are likeConfused AIBU for expecting a guy who alleges to be interested in me to actually take a real interest? Last night I wanted to say to them both "Do you realise you're not taking any notice of anything I'm saying about myself?"

It's just SO exhausting!

OP posts:
apricotparfait · 06/05/2021 08:27

Yup I've found this kind of exchange fairly standard I'm afraid. It's exhausting and I just can't muster up enthusiasm for OLD anymore it's just so draining. I deleted all apps around 2 years ago and decided to focus on other aspects of life (work, kids, home etc)

I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well OP, hope you feel better soon 💐🍇

Good luck with the OLD.

Ponoka7 · 06/05/2021 08:31

Neither are particularly interested in you. With OlD it's important to decide what you want and be ruthless about ending contact with people who don't give you what you want. If you want an occasional chat and company, then you carry on, if not move on.

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 06/05/2021 08:31

@apricotparfait The level of self absorption genuinely staggers me. I couldn't take such little interest in anyone, let alone someone I was hoping to get something started with.

I met these guys in RL too! Which just goes to prove its a barrel wasteland both on OLD and in the real worldAngry

Don't blame you for deleting the apps. Probably the best thing for your sanity.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 06/05/2021 08:33

Cross post. It applies to men you meet in rl to. Sometimes it can just be a bit too easy for them, so they go with it for sexual contact. Also don't listen to your friend, men aren't like that if they are interested in picking someone to have a relationship with.

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 06/05/2021 08:34

@Ponoka7 I met both these guys in RL. If they aren't interested then why keep getting in touch? Both have them have asked me out on dates again too.

I just don't get it. It baffles me.

I agree I need to be more ruthless though. Might just tell them straight that they aren't actually taking an interest in me and have they realised that?Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 06/05/2021 08:35

Oh and neither of them will be getting any sexual contact. They are most definitely cock blocking themselves...

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 06/05/2021 08:38

I agree you just need to be more ruthless and block and delete earlier.

I met dh on plenty of fish about 15 years ago so it can be done (!) after an awful divorce but I blocked and deleted about 20 people in a week or so before I met up with Dh. Some real weirdos out there- including one who just wanted to talk about vegemite (yep I kid you not) and another who seemed okay and then said he was hoping to set me up with his Dad.. who was 80. I was 32.

So anyway, keep going.

If these were female friends or people you’d meet in the street you’d just think there were a waste of time and move past. You need to adopt the same mindset with men online.

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 06/05/2021 08:42

@Bagelsandbrie Vegemite? What woman wouldn't be swept off her feet by that?🤣

I didn't meet these guys on OLD though. One is a friend of a friend and the other I met through work. I'm not on OLD at all.

The guy who is a friend of a friend has told her how much he likes me. Just not enough to really ask me about myself apparently...

OP posts:
BringMeTea · 06/05/2021 08:44

YANBU. Not at all. Keep your standards. Better to be single than settling. This is their best selves too. Throw them back. Good luck!

Flowers500 · 06/05/2021 08:45

Keep going, 80% of men are substandard. Have to turn down/block a hella lot of frogs!

JovialNickname · 06/05/2021 08:45

Your instincts are bang on, it shows these ones have no real interest in you. In my opinion this doesn't change - a man won't suddenly change and show interest/ caring if he's not that bothered to start with. Drop anyone that acts like this and keep looking for someone that's genuinely interested in you and engaged with what you have to say!

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 06/05/2021 08:46

Neither of them are bad guys as such. I've had a laugh when we've met up in RL.

It's just this weird lack of deeper interest that baffles me. Almost like men think " She looks how I want her to look, she makes me feel good in her company, no other input required" Almost as if you're not a real person, just filling the woman shaped gap in their lives.

OP posts:
Quincie · 06/05/2021 08:48

But are you being polite and waiting for them to ask when you could just tell them what is or isn't ok with your life and why.
I mean they are boring you - I don't think it's just OLD.

I was in a shop for the first time in a year and the owner kept asking me how has it been for you, how are you. And once I'd left I realised he'd had a hoarse voice and looked poorly - he was fishing for me to ask him, which i hadn't.

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 06/05/2021 08:48

@Flowers500 Only 80%? Sounds like an overly generous estimate thereGrin

OP posts:
Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 06/05/2021 08:52

@Quincie I wasn't waiting for them to ask though. Guy 1 asked how I was, I said I was ill and he ignored what I'd said. Guy 2 was talking about his separation and ignoring any comments I was making regarding my own separation.

If I messaged a friend and they said they were ill then there's no way I would just continue to talk without acknowledging them. It's just weird.

I didn't meet them on OLD. I'm not on OLD. I (incorrectly it would seem) thought there might be more chance of meeting decent guys organically.

OP posts:
Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 06/05/2021 08:53

But perhaps I should just have said "do you realise how one sided this conversation is?" and noted how they reacted.

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 06/05/2021 08:54

Sorry, They are not that interested in you, so neither are putting much effort in.

OrchestraOfWankery · 06/05/2021 08:56

@JadedStrumpet

Neither of them are bad guys as such. I've had a laugh when we've met up in RL.

It's just this weird lack of deeper interest that baffles me. Almost like men think " She looks how I want her to look, she makes me feel good in her company, no other input required" Almost as if you're not a real person, just filling the woman shaped gap in their lives.

I agree! Grin

Also, a lot of men like this use women as free therapy/counselling.

You want a partner, not a project.

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 06/05/2021 08:56

@JustAnotherOldMan But then why keep messaging me/asking me out?

I genuinely don't get itConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 06/05/2021 09:00

@OrchestraOfWankery Guy 2 was telling me how his ex critiscised him all the time and he just couldn't be himself. Part of me was thinking "this could be genuine" and the other part going "RED FLAGS FOR MILES"Grin

OP posts:
toodleloooo · 06/05/2021 09:01

Unless you can account for it with something like nerves, or they're not very good over text but better in real life, I agree about moving on from them. Your time is worth more than than!

Not sure if it's any consolation, but I think some people are just like this. In my first year of work I had to do a year long professional qualification with the same people. Not sure what it was with that course but the people I came across only wanted to talk about themselves. I would often just observe "conversations" where two people would effectively be monologuing about their own experiences without attempting to relate back to the other person. Like you I found it so odd that you would be so interested in yourself and seemingly not at all interested in others. No idea why it happened so much on that course but it really hit home that those people are out there and are not my people 😂

apricotparfait · 06/05/2021 09:01

Who actually does that? How can you ignore someone when they tell you they haven't been feeling well? It beggars belief! Sounds like the RL men aren't much better than the OLD ones!

Jeez @Bagelsandbrie you must have felt so special with the offer of an 80 year old😳. It's staggering, it honestly is.

Sexnotgender · 06/05/2021 09:03

[quote JadedStrumpet]@OrchestraOfWankery Guy 2 was telling me how his ex critiscised him all the time and he just couldn't be himself. Part of me was thinking "this could be genuine" and the other part going "RED FLAGS FOR MILES"Grin[/quote]
More red flags than a communist March.

Just block them and don’t compromise your standards.

I met DH OLD and was ruthless with the morons.

DH is a good one though, they are out there, just few and far between.

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 06/05/2021 09:08

@toodleloooo I know exactly what you mean about the one sided conversations. I've been in that situation a few times myself and it always staggers me.

@apricotparfait Because talking about his important menz work trauma was far more relevant than me being illGrin

@Sexnotgender Yes. It made me think how my ex would probably say the same about me. Yes I critiscised...because he was lazy, uncaring and showed no interest in me or our DCHmm

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 06/05/2021 09:09

@JadedStrumpet

Neither of them are bad guys as such. I've had a laugh when we've met up in RL.

It's just this weird lack of deeper interest that baffles me. Almost like men think " She looks how I want her to look, she makes me feel good in her company, no other input required" Almost as if you're not a real person, just filling the woman shaped gap in their lives.

I think this sums it up tbh. Filling a woman shaped gap!