To expect men to take a genuine interest in me?

[JadedStrumpet]

Separated from DH for 18 months. I've been out on a few dates with a couple of guys in the last six months. Slow going obviously due to covid.

Guy 1 messages me yesterday asking how I am. I told him I was ill with a bad throat infection and my DC have it as well. He replies telling me all about some issues he has at work. Makes no reference at all to the fact I've just said I'm unwell.

Guy 2 also messaging last night. We get chatting about when he separated from his ex. He's talking about it and I'm responding. I'm asking questions but also mentioning bits and pieces about my own separation. He answers my questions but totally fails to comment on anything I'm saying about my own experiences.

Both conversations left me feeling really deflated. I then spoke to a good friend of mine who told me not to take it personally and its just what men are like AIBU for expecting a guy who alleges to be interested in me to actually take a real interest? Last night I wanted to say to them both "Do you realise you're not taking any notice of anything I'm saying about myself?"

It's just SO exhausting!

[quote JadedStrumpet]@vivainsomnia I wasn't wanting to make a conversation of it. It's the fact he didn't even acknowledge the fact I was ill.

A bit at the people here who seem to think expecting a bit of common human concern is too much. I wouldn't ignore someone I didn't like saying they weren't well...let alone someone who's knickers I was trying to get into. Surely a "Oh no, hope you're better soon" isn't too much to expect?[/quote]
It’s not you OP. MNers can be strange.

It’s perfectly normal to say “oh no, sorry to hear that” etc in response to someone informing you they are ill. It’s universally rude not to acknowledge it at all and witter on about oneself. Perhaps the posters who don’t see it as a problem are themselves problematic in their communication styles.

Yup, it all comes down to serious weeding out. Exhausting and only worth it if you really DO want a relationship with a cock-haver :)

The sad truth is that nice, normal, grown-up ones who have conversations like Human People and are genuinely pleasant and kind are in the minority. They really, really are.

So yup that is a bit what 'men' are like - you can find a good one, but it takes effort.

Simply delete the ones you mentioned.

It's not you, and it's not all men, but it is very common. I've been on two dates with a guy recently (met OLD but turns out I already knew him from elsewhere iyswim!). Last week I had the most awful bout of tonsillitis and I wasnt making a big fuss or anything, but he offered to drop anything I needed at my door, take me to an out of hours gp cos of the bank holiday, and when I slept a lot later than usual one day checked up that I was ok as I hadn't replied to his text as normal

Normally I'd make allowances in your case as I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels they've lost their social skills over lockdown, but tbh I've come across this way before the pandemic. Some people only care about themselves. It's a good thing really that they show this so early, as they make terrible partners

Block delete and move on.

Is it enough to have a laugh? I think you want to meet a nice person who isn't displaying signs of extreme selfishness in the first instance. They take a while to find and a lot of knowing what you want to weed out all the dick heads who want to sleep with you. Listen to your gut and simply block delete, no explanation or conversation with them requires.

I do think it's funny that you are moaning about the men whilst simultaneously texting two blokes on the same night.

If they ignored you so much, why bother responding? Just ignore them too. Or pull them up on it? 'I'm too ill to out up with you wittering on dickhead, good night'

If I'm honest, if I was texting someone I'd recently met or had just been on a couple of dates with I wouldn't really want to hear about their illness. Conversation is still light and superficial at that stage. It's not that I don't care, and if someone was genuinely unwell then of course I'd want to know they're okay, but a throat infection isn't exactly great chat. I remember I had norovirus about four weeks after my first date with DP and he was texting me asking how work was and I was like 'oh yeah, fine' cos I didn't want him picturing me on the loo.

YANBU to expect a man you're in a relationship with to be genuinely interested, but you may be expecting too much from someone you're seeing or talking to.

@HenryHooverIII What's wrong with texting two blokes at once? I'm not in a relationship with either of them so why shouldn't I?

@ashmts So if someone you were speaking too said they were ill you wouldn't even reply with "Oh dear, hope you're better soon"?

I would expect a man to show basic manners and empty towards a fellow human or he's not going to be in a relationship with me. Are you saying all conversation should be superficial and light until you're in a relationship?

This thread is definitely an eye opener into how people some think

@JadedStrumpet It would depend on the situation, I'd probably have taken it as a conversation ender and maybe said hope they feel better, text me tomorrow if they feel up to it. Or something. Either that or it would have put me off them. It would probably depend how I'd been feeling about them up until that point. I was OLD for a year or so (yes I know you're not OLD but most people are so any dating/communication is similar now) and with hindsight I can tell who I really wasn't that into cos yes I only wanted superficial conversation. DP and I got into a relationship fairly quickly so we weren't in that stage for long. If they're annoying you and don't seem that interested, you're probably just not that into each other.

@ashmts but that's not what happened here. He literally ignored me and continued to just talk about himself. Then asked me if I want another drink some time soon. So he clearly is 'interested' at least in his own mind.

That's what I don't get here. How someone can claim and interested in you but not actually seem to care about your life. If I like someone I'm interested in them. Whereas these guys just seem to be ticking off some superficial list. It baffles me.

@JadedStrumpet He's interested in meeting up for a drink and enjoying your company and passing the time. You have no idea if he's interested in you/a relationship with you yet. It helps not to get too invested in people until they show you that they are interested in those things. Course, everyone is doing the same thing and holding back so it becomes a bit of a game. Until you meet someone decent and everyone can just be honest.

Honestly I find a lot of people are self absorbed, male and female. Over lockdown there are a few friendships I've let drift because the person only wants to talk about themselves. So I don't think it's a male thing (nor is it an OLD thing), although I have chatted with numerous guys who have been like that!

I'm just not interested in spending time with people anymore who can't have a decent 2 way conversation. I have better things to do with my time, harsh but true!

Interesting thread OP and I totally agree with what you're saying here. (A few strange opinions too). I've had similar experiences to you. A guy I was seeing and have known for 10 years, told him one night that i'd tested positive for Covid and that my son was worried and that I felt like sh*t - well he genuinely had no idea what to say, like he was completely emotionally stunted or just completely lacked empathy. I've blocked him and won't be seeing him again. How difficult is it to say 'I hope you feel better soon' or 'sorry to hear that'. It's basic human empathy. These guys make crap partners and it all seems to be about themselves.

Another guy I was seeing a few years ago didn't give a single ounce of concern when I told him I was stuck in another city at night on my own because i'd missed the train. I had no idea how I was going to get home. His answer was to 'LOL'. So he was dumped too. BASIC HUMAN EMPATHY.

I don't think you're expecting too much. I just don't know what is wrong with a lot of guys these days. A lot of women too. All you seem to find is that people want to talk about themselves all the time. As an introvert I find interactions easier in this respect but I can't help but think to myself 'Do you know how self absorbed you sound'. Sometimes I even give a little laugh to myself.. but they don't seem to notice.

Strange times we live in.

I would say in answer to your question about why they keep asking you out on further dates when they don't seem to be showing any interest, it could be for a variety of reasons but likely that narcissistic selfish types love to have an audience for their conversations, so you are fulfilling that requirement for them. Plus with them also being men they probably want to keep you in the loop as a possible sex partner. But will throw you crumbs to keep you interested. Both of them seem to be a waste of time tbh, and boringly self centred.

Obviously there are self-absorbed people of both sexes, but women are still socialised to be socially-attuned to the person they're talking to, to mirror their concerns, to think about the impression they're making, to prioritise the other person's concerns over their own, to a far greater extent than men.

Older relationship books aimed at women used to say that the greatest compliment a man could pay you was to monologue at you about what he was really feeling, because it meant he was letting his guard down and paying you the compliment of confiding in you!

Fuck that shit, obviously.

OP, they probably are 'interested', but whether you would want any further contact with someone who is so deaf to the most obvious social cues is another matter entirely.

I think you are right OP and I also think they need telling - if only as a favour to help them out in life! ‘Do you not realise how one-sided this conversation is because you don’t engage with anything I say about myself?’ would do nicely. Self-absorbed buggers.

@ashmts He is interested though. We have a mutual friend and he's told her he'd like relationship with me!

Also I'm not invested. I'm not interested in pursuing anything with either guy due to their behaviour. It's just just behaviour itself that I don't get

@JadedStrumpet

Also I'm not invested. I'm not interested in pursuing anything with either guy due to their behaviour. It's just just behaviour itself that I don't get

Sounds like they're just not capable of anything else.

You can't fit square pegs into round poles. Can't turn a pig's ear into a silk purse, etc..

@wobblywinelover Absolutely gobsmacked at your examples. Wtf responds 'Lol to someone stranded in a strange place?

I know the sort of books you're on about. Tbh I still see a lot of YouTube channels etc. peddling that sort of shite now!

@CirclesWithinCircles Don't think I could even turn these pigs ears into a polyester purse

Someone on here recommended female dating strategy on reddit.

Wow, im been using the stuff they talked about.

First chat eith guy on OLD after bit of chit chat I judt went for it, so do you alone, he lived with his parents. He is 35. So I said oh okay so is it because your waiting to meet someone before moving out. Nope he feels its his duty to look after his parents as the only boy in the family and would want me to move in.

I said thank you but that's not for me and moved on.

Thank god I didnt waste more than 1hr on this guy, otherwise I'd have wasted so much time chatting and meeting him.

I remember this so well on the school run!

If I happened to walk with another mum it would be:
Me: How was your weekend?
Her: Oh great, we did XYZ. How was yours?
And so begins pleasant conversation.

Whenever it was a dad the response was almost always "Yeah good. We did XYZ yaddayaddayaddayadda. Silence. Every time I felt compelled to ask them another question about their weekend rather than talk about my own, as they'd shown zero interest in it.

However, I do wonder if it's a manners thing, and the women are no more interested - they're such reared to appear so...

She looks how I want her to look, she makes me feel good in her company, no other input required.

Well I think you may have hit the nail on the head there. I've had four long term relationships including DH. All pretty good, but I think your quote sums them all up!

Woman are just a lot more curious than men in general.

Op I agree with you. I think men and women do this, but men are worse. Women have got so used to listening, that men have got accustomed to just talking and dominating conversation. I’m not sure men do it to other
men they just seem to talk at women.
How difficult can it be when someone says they are ill to respond by saying ‘sorry to hear that, hope it passes quickly’. It’s not rocket science. Why do men love talking about themselves and think you love it too. The unfortunate thing is once you’ve noticed they do it, you’re always on your guard with them. And as soon as they start you think they’re off off one again

Date women
You get the sort of conversation you are after

@nitsandwormsdodger

Date women You get the sort of conversation you are after

But not the sort of physical attraction or sex we are after?