To expect men to take a genuine interest in me?

[JadedStrumpet]

Separated from DH for 18 months. I've been out on a few dates with a couple of guys in the last six months. Slow going obviously due to covid.

Guy 1 messages me yesterday asking how I am. I told him I was ill with a bad throat infection and my DC have it as well. He replies telling me all about some issues he has at work. Makes no reference at all to the fact I've just said I'm unwell.

Guy 2 also messaging last night. We get chatting about when he separated from his ex. He's talking about it and I'm responding. I'm asking questions but also mentioning bits and pieces about my own separation. He answers my questions but totally fails to comment on anything I'm saying about my own experiences.

Both conversations left me feeling really deflated. I then spoke to a good friend of mine who told me not to take it personally and its just what men are like AIBU for expecting a guy who alleges to be interested in me to actually take a real interest? Last night I wanted to say to them both "Do you realise you're not taking any notice of anything I'm saying about myself?"

It's just SO exhausting!

[quote JadedStrumpet]@JustAnotherOldMan But then why keep messaging me/asking me out?

I genuinely don't get it[/quote]
Because they want sex, they want to be entertained, they want to kill time. Men don't care as much about a respectful committed connection with somebody who fits in to their life etc... They're happy to coast and just get a shag here or there.

This is why I gave up on OLD.

I was in my forties when I did it and the men were appalling, they love bombed and discarded, or they were avoidant but never actually rejected me, so confusing, or they lied and killed time with me while secretly scanning for a younger version of me. Just a cess pit of dysfunction and I was a ''wholesome'' trusting optimistic happy newly single person who just assumed I could read people but often, people don't even know what they want. But they'll stand in the door way of your heart blocking better people coming in while they dither without a second thought.

I know that it's hard to know where else to meet somebody though. I met a man at work six years younger than I am which was surprising after all these men on line were so determined to only commit to a woman a decade younger than themselves. To meet somebody in real life who lived by the philosophy of take no shit but do no harm was a shock to me after having my faith in men ground down to nothing after a few years of OLD. We know that men behave badly to get sex, we all know that, but the levels to which they will lie and cheat online are even worse imo. They think this is a transaction they effected.

I'd work on being braver. Actually make being braver your mission. Forget about meeting a man.

Be brave enough to do what you want to do on your own and when people know your brave and not nervous they will come up to you and talk to you.

@SelkieFly I didn't meet them on OLD. Everyone is assuming that but I met them in RL. They both made the first move. I'm not on OLD at all.

I've also made it clear sex is not on the agenda at the minute yet still they persist. They've both asked to take me for another drink but surprisingly I haven't agreed

Glad things worked out for you:)

@JadedStrumpet,
Your talking to at least 2 guys, each of those is probably talking to 2 or 3 different women, some they will be more interested in, some less,. Your probably at the less end, sorry.

It may seem like one 2 one for you, but in reality OLD is a massive room full of people all talking to each other,
At some point you find someone who is more interested in you.

It’s the same from a male POV, it’s pretty similar, lots of flaky women to get through, not sure what the male equivalent of kiss a lot of frogs is, ‘kiss a lot of Divas’ maybe,?
Chin up and keep moving forward

To be fair, you don't sound that interested in them either. If there's no chemistry and you don't like them, just stop replying to them?

This is normal. I have been on a lot of dates with a lot of men and almost all of them just talk at you. If you smile, nod, and react appropriately, they go home thinking they've had a wonderful time and really connected you with and want to see you again. Personally I can't be bothered at all any more.

You want a conversation about throat infections?

@Pyewackect

You want a conversation about throat infections?

I imagine just a “ah hope you’re feeling better soon” would do!

Love how this thread is another example of people just talking and not listening

OP - “I didn’t meet them on OLD”

Everyone else - “well that’s the trouble with OLD”

Gosh don't talk to me about people who don't listen. Like when you are saying something and they are kind of looking around, then they respond with something unrelated to what you have said. Happens too often. As someone said , most people aren't interested in an equal conversation. They're just waiting for their turn to speak.

It's a deal breaker for me.

[quote JadedStrumpet]@Ponoka7 I met both these guys in RL. If they aren't interested then why keep getting in touch? Both have them have asked me out on dates again too.

I just don't get it. It baffles me.

I agree I need to be more ruthless though. Might just tell them straight that they aren't actually taking an interest in me and have they realised that?[/quote]
They keep getting in touch because they're getting a good listener in you. It's a one-way street and they've got the cushy direction.

I don't know if it's just men as I know many people like this. My parents in law are the absolute worst, they are incapable of uttering a single word that isn't about them. I am not dating though, so maybe it is more prevalent on the dating scene.

Maybe it would be good to be more upfront though OP, just pointing out to them that the conversation had been totally one sided and they hadn't even wished you felt better, or whatever. Stretching the benefit of the doubt maybe they are OK people but have lost the art of conversation a bit, or not too good at texts. Maybe they thought 'im going to tell OP about what happened today at work' and texted you with that as the purpose of the chat. Some people can get a bit of tunnel vision.

Maybe they are just self centered! I don't know. I don't envy you as it sounds draining. And I hope your sore throat gets better soon

[quote JadedStrumpet]@Ponoka7 I met both these guys in RL. If they aren't interested then why keep getting in touch? Both have them have asked me out on dates again too.

I just don't get it. It baffles me.

I agree I need to be more ruthless though. Might just tell them straight that they aren't actually taking an interest in me and have they realised that?[/quote]
They think they're interested in you but in fact they are only interested in themselves. Very common, very boring. But good to find out so quickly!

There’s something quite ironic about the fact the OP is complaining about the fact these men don’t take in interest or pay attention to what she has to say, and the fact that many posters on this thread are also completely ignoring or not listening to what she’s saying regarding the fact she is not doing online dating.

I’ve never either OP, and the kind of scenarios you are describing are pretty much why I’m single. I’ve been on first dates where in two hours, the man has not asked me a single question about myself. I’ve also had situations where men have cornered me at parties or men that have had an interest in me have phoned me and basically “monologued” at me and I’ve had to put up with 30 minutes of them just talking AT me about their lives, interests, views etc and paying no attention to the fact I’m bored stiff, physically obviously uncomfortable and that I’ve made multiple attempts to get away from them. They always, the complete dickheads, end it with “this was a great chat, we should do it again sometime ”.

I so relate to what you’ve said about feeling like it doesn’t really matter who you are or what you are about when you are with these men. As long as you look good, they don’t give a fuck about the rest. My first ever boyfriend, at 15, had first of all been my best friend for a couple of years. Soon after he asked me out, he was always putting me down and telling me to shut up whenever I tried to join in a conversation. He said “You are my girlfriend now and your job is to shut up, sit there and look pretty! No one cares about your opinions.” Needless to say I dumped him and that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing since. I’ve a beautiful female friend who is eternally single because men really don’t care who she is, just how she looks. Shut up and look pretty. Don’t have thoughts, or needs, or dreams or worries or ambitions. Just sit there and look pretty for me. Nod and agree with everything I say. Make me feel good. Want and need nothing from me.

It’s not just men in a dating sense though. I also find this with some of my family members which has left me feeling like I really don’t matter at all in my family. They will never ask how I am, even when they know through my parents I’ve been having tests to see if I had cancer and will only communicate with me to tell me to show up to things or about their lives. It’s men and women in this context.

There ARE some good ones though. Just a bit harder to find. As I say I’m not OLD, but I am pretty ruthless in cutting men out who don’t have the qualities (mutual respect, empathy, genuine interest) that I’m looking for. Don’t waste your time on these guys. Move on.

And I hope you and your family are recovering well from your recent illness .

I have met both men and women who just talk about themselves or it’s just a bit of a one way street, They are just socially inept or nervous or both.

PLEASE please please will you at least read the OP's posts. She did NOT meet these men OLD! Far out...

Oh dear OP, seems the not listening is a bit of a theme...

Dump them. Seriously they’re not worth your time and effort and sincere interest.

I really like what pp said - focusing on being brave and doing what you want on your own. The right kind of man will find you or you will find him, but these are definitely not him.

Even if the OP didn't meet these two men that the she is describing on OLD, it's quite likely that they do, or have done OLD, as their way of communicating seems standard for OLD type exposure.

When I was single, I formed such a bad impression of OLD that I asked any man I was talking to whether he had ever done it in the past, and if the answer was yes, or even cagey (ie still using it), I dropped them like a stone. Though to be honest, many men who have used OLD turn into such walking clichés that it's easy to accurately predict past usage without even asking them.

Perhaps unfair, but it puts me right off. It's all too much easy come, easy go for me.

@Pyewackect Obviously not. A "hope you're feeling better soon" would have been appreciated though.

@ForwardRanger. Yes they probably are doing me a good turn by showing their self absorption so early on

@NameChangedForThisFeb21 Slightly speechless at your first boyfriend story. What the actual fuck?
Yeah I definitely get strong 'you are a woman shaped space to project my wants onto' vibes from them both. It's so off putting.

@CirclesWithinCircles I know guy 1 definitely doesn't OLD. He's really against it for some reason. I'm not so sure about guy 2.

And yeah, totally loving all the people not taking in the fact I didn't meet these guys on OLD

Both these guys ex partners have the same name too, which I find slightly freaky

It’s definitely not just OLD as some of the men I’ve met who are worst for it are quite vociferous in their hating of “what OLD has done to romantic relationships” and have refused to ever take part in it.

The opposite is even worse, love bombing, finding out every single detail about you, all to be used against you at a later date.

Some people can get quite nervous in these situations, and spend a lot of time thinking about what they are going to say, rather than listening. Which isn't necessarily an indication they are a dick, & only time will tell if they are arrogant and self involved or nervous. Dating can be fairly high stress for all involved.

Guy 2, I’d give another chance but probably get rid of if the same happened again.

Guy 1 I think you might be a bit unfair. I would assume that if some can manage a conversation with me, they were not that poorly. What is there to discuss? I’d expect a sorry, hope you feel better soon but not make a conversation of it.

@vivainsomnia I wasn't wanting to make a conversation of it. It's the fact he didn't even acknowledge the fact I was ill.

A bit at the people here who seem to think expecting a bit of common human concern is too much. I wouldn't ignore someone I didn't like saying they weren't well...let alone someone who's knickers I was trying to get into. Surely a "Oh no, hope you're better soon" isn't too much to expect?

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea I'd actually find love bombing easier to deal with because then I would just know they were a faker and act appropriately.

It's harder when someone is talking about themselves but then throwing you the odd crumb as well. You start to second guess yourself and wonder if you're asking too much.