To expect men to take a genuine interest in me?

[JadedStrumpet]

Separated from DH for 18 months. I've been out on a few dates with a couple of guys in the last six months. Slow going obviously due to covid.

Guy 1 messages me yesterday asking how I am. I told him I was ill with a bad throat infection and my DC have it as well. He replies telling me all about some issues he has at work. Makes no reference at all to the fact I've just said I'm unwell.

Guy 2 also messaging last night. We get chatting about when he separated from his ex. He's talking about it and I'm responding. I'm asking questions but also mentioning bits and pieces about my own separation. He answers my questions but totally fails to comment on anything I'm saying about my own experiences.

Both conversations left me feeling really deflated. I then spoke to a good friend of mine who told me not to take it personally and its just what men are like AIBU for expecting a guy who alleges to be interested in me to actually take a real interest? Last night I wanted to say to them both "Do you realise you're not taking any notice of anything I'm saying about myself?"

It's just SO exhausting!

@nitsandwormsdodger I'm actually bi and would love to date a woman. I just don't know where to start. I was on a female dating app for a bit but getting anything going was so hard!

[quote JadedStrumpet]@ashmts but that's not what happened here. He literally ignored me and continued to just talk about himself. Then asked me if I want another drink some time soon. So he clearly is 'interested' at least in his own mind.

That's what I don't get here. How someone can claim and interested in you but not actually seem to care about your life. If I like someone I'm interested in them. Whereas these guys just seem to be ticking off some superficial list. It baffles me.[/quote]
They confuse "being interested in you" with "having someone to listen to me so my flagging ego is boosted". Zero EQ.

We live on a very sexist society, men are raised to think they are important and that what they have to say is interesting. It seems only a handful have a clue that they're as ordinary as everyone else.

If I ever get divorced or become a widow I will never be bothering with these turds again. Dull as dishwater and not a bloody clue.

They just want fun and attention and sex

Not stories about sore throats and snotty toddlers

I guess

@ForwardRanger Ain't that the truth! I feel like so many guys seriously over estimate how interesting they are. While I know so many woman who genuinely are fascinating but depreciating as hell.

@Zerrin13 I wouldn't blame you at all!

@ChubbyLittleManInACampervan If you think that mentioning that you and your children have been ill equates to 'telling stories about snotty toddlers' then you might be part of the problem.

Ppl who go into their minor health issues when you just know them is one of chief irritants . The answer to the question is fine unless you know them better.

Oh for fucks sake @Torvean I've been on three dates with the guy and known him longer than that as he's a friend of a friend.

Mentioning you're not well is not 'going into your health issues' it's a response to someone asking how you are. If you would find someone saying that off putting then that says a lot about you.

Some of the responses on this thread are unreal!

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Love how this thread is another example of people just talking and not listening

OP - “I didn’t meet them on OLD”

Everyone else - “well that’s the trouble with OLD”

Only men do this, don'tcha know? Oh wait...

The irony of it.

Men expect women to be sounding boards providing empathetic understanding and support. They do not expect to return the favour.

I find men utterly boring as they have zero clue how privileged they are. And zero EQ.

Thankfully I'm a lesbian and live a woman-centred personal life.

Well, at least you know now before you wasted more time on them. DH was incredibly thoughtful, kind and attentive when I went out with him 20 years ago. He's a bit less so now, of course, but is still a kind and thoughtful person. If they can't be bothered now, then they never will be bothered.

I do resonate with what you are describing OP- especially that they seem to be just wanting to fill a woman sized space in their lives. A man who is genuinely interested in women or indeed any other people, is rare as hen’s teeth. There always always has to be something in it for them. They seem to think that genuine meaningful conversation is a huge wasted investment unless they are going to get something out of it- usually a shag. Disappointing but no longer surprising.

[quote JadedStrumpet]@ashmts but that's not what happened here. He literally ignored me and continued to just talk about himself. Then asked me if I want another drink some time soon. So he clearly is 'interested' at least in his own mind.

That's what I don't get here. How someone can claim and interested in you but not actually seem to care about your life. If I like someone I'm interested in them. Whereas these guys just seem to be ticking off some superficial list. It baffles me.[/quote]
It doesn't baffle me, although it does depress me. It's surely part of the general conditioning that leads to research findings about the way men and women do conversation generally - women tend to build on each others comments, build a dialogue with give and take, men tend to make statements, interrupt more, don't build on what the previous speaker has said. No "not all men" and not all women, but in a sexist society its how we're all socialised and you're just experiencing the result unfortunately. And maybe because you're not particularly invested in these guys you can see it more clearly.

Also not mysterious why they want more dates with you. They want someone to listen to them and be girlfriend shaped.

Presumably you won't be giving them any more of your time. What's in it for you

If I happened to walk with another mum it would be:
Me: How was your weekend?
Her: Oh great, we did XYZ. How was yours?
And so begins pleasant conversation. Whenever it was a dad the response was almost always "Yeah good. We did XYZ yaddayaddayaddayadda. Silence

This is me but I'm the Dad in this scenario! I find it incredibly hard to converse/ask questions with someone I don't know well. Fine once I know them but a school run mum, stranger or similar I would just clam up after factually answering the question. My DH is way better at this sort of chat than me! I don't recognise the sex divide described on this thread although I do definitely know people who are only interested in talking about themselves.

I'd point out politely to them that the conversation was one sided and probably move on until you find someone genuinely interested.

@Notagain20 That's really Interesting about the research findings. I'm going to look into that.

Perfect example of it is last night. Guy 2 sent me a link to a Dragons Den episode with a single mum on it. He said her determination a day selflessness reminded him of me. I suppose that was a nice thing to say. One of my friends once had a fling with one of the Dragon Den guys. I told him a really funny anecdote she'd told me about him. Every woman I've told the same anecdote has ended up having an amusing conversation about it and how ridiculous said Dragons Den guy is. Guy 2 literally responded "Haha x" and that was it!🙈

I've met lots of women who wouldn't ask you how you were at all ! Only interested in themselves or would turn it back onto how they are feeling.
My friend is OLD at the moment and she says the same thing so I do think it's just a general thing that others are not interested that much and not good at small talk or any empathy.
On an app for work once one or two people wished me happy birthday , apart from the supervisor who ignored it all. Sounds petty , but then she is.
She wouldn't ask you how you were if you were dying in front of her.
People are mostly selfish and self serving , men and women.

Oh and no, I won't be seeing either of them again. My DM is telling me to let them take me out because it 'gets me out of the house'. She couldn't make me feel more of a lonely single mum if she tried

See that's just not my experience of women at all @the80sweregreat most of the women I know take an interest. Not all, but definitely more than not!

I must know a lot of self centered women. I can think of about five that honestly never ask how you are or care a jot what your going through.
It's not just men.

Yep, I had the woman who always wants to talk about her neighbour issues, I had a marriage breakdown in that period and not once did she ask if I was coping ok.
Ditto the woman who always wanted to talk about her dating experiences. That was in the same time period.
Then there’s a couple more women who just want to talk about their work. If I try and steer the topic elsewhere they steer it right back.

Yes they might ask me “how are you” but in the way they just want me to say “fine” so they can get on with talking “at” me. I guess I’m unlucky in that I seem to meet a lot of these women. If I say I’m not fine, they may make sympathetic noises for a short time, but the next time I see them it’s like the previous conversation never even happened and they don’t “check in” with how I’m doing. If someone comes to me with a problem and i next see them I always ask “and how is x going”. I remember and care to ask. To me that’s a basic standard in any friendship/relationship.

I suppose when you’re chatting to a man who wants to date you, then there obviously is that added layer. They say they’re interested in pursuing a relationship with you but don’t seem that interested in anything about you. I have experienced that a lot. But it does mean you can weed these men out early on! It’s a bit trickier to try and weed out friends!

Honestly, a few women I know honestly do not care about your well being at all or even ask the basics!
I do feel that some women have morphed into men over the years. Toxic and uncaring.
I'm starting to think I may as well join them .. .. ... ( although I do care and will ask and worry about my true friends)
I guess it's good to be this way sometimes: they seem to get on better in life oddly enough.
Karma never gets them!!

This thread has made me wonder about my own interactions. I am crap at small talk and text conversations but I am very caring and empathetic. I am going to try a bit harder but it doesn't come very naturally to me - I usually leave small talk and polite interactions to my DH and I just smile and nod and hope I don't need to say anything!

In a text conversation I would think 'Haha!' was an ok response to a funny story...

I'm not in any way defending these guys and clearly the OP is not feeling it from them.

It's not that they can't do ' small talk ' it's the fact they can talk , but only about themselves !
Or turn it around ( to talk about themselves)

It could be a lack of interest in a "real relationship" but also.loyd of people (women too) are just like this.

I suppose they're on a spectrum of personality disordered behaviour.

I was in a relationship, and it was a fairly long relationship in which we were talking marriage and cohabiting etc, with a widower with quite a large family of teenagers; he used to phone me for a 'catch up" and aside from a perfunctory, fairly meaningless "how are ya", he would talk about what each of his children was doing and what was happening in his household and having gone through that summary, would then wrap up the phone call.

It's very common behaviour, I see it and head of everywhere, some people are just very noticeably like this. I'd say the people who can have truly two sided interaction are in the minority.