Children apologising: who IBU in this situation?

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

Disclaimer: I’m neither family in this but my friend is.

A year 2 (age 7) girl gets shoved in the playground by a boy when they were playing cops and robbers. This really upsets her but she's not forthcoming with standing up for herself. When she gets home, because she knows the boy lives around the corner, she gets her (6ft tall and stocky - this is relevant) dad to take her to his house so she can knock on the door and ask him to apologise. The boy’s mum is a widow, an older mum (early 50’s) and it’s just the two of them living there. The dad/family of the girl know this.

When the girl and her dad arrive and say Thomas shoved her today and they’d like him to come to the door and apologise, Thomas’ mum says no because “it’s just what happens when children play sometimes they get shoved” and that the dad was out of order to come round as it’s intimidating for her living on her own to have an unexpected and ‘burly’ man knock on her door making demands.

The family of the girl say they think this is out of order and an apology should have been given, they’re trying to teach their daughter to stand up for herself especially when it comes to boys being rough and crossing physical boundaries.

Who is in the right?

Lunar- the police! Dear god! Don’t be ridiculous ! What would you say? Someone knocked on the door and spoke to me?!

School should sort it out - the dad is a dick and the mum is right, it is intimidating

I've had two boys go through school and I can't remember a single time that a parent went around another parent's house and confront them like that.

You don't go knocking on someone's door like that over a playground fight, he was being ridiculous.

Both unreasonable as is school for allowing contact group games which, since the dawn of time, have ended up with someone getting hurt, and then not dealing with it at the time.
The girl is also unreasonable for asking her dad to go and essentially intimidate a woman. The woman is unreasonable for not making her son apologise. The son is unreasonable for not having done so at school.

I also agree with pps about the language used to describe the boy. The girl's family sounds arguably far worse.

The dad was out of line for going round to the other parents house and would be in the wrong irrespective of his size although there also was an intimidationary aspect in this case. I wouldn't entirely trust the girls version of events either. As a teacher I have had parents mouthing off about events and throwing their weight around and when investigated it has been found the child has been less than truthful.

How awful for the mum of the little boy. Should have been dealt with through the school, and this is definitely not how you teach children to stand up for themselves.

School issue, unless school not dealing with a recurrent situation.

The Dad's behaviour is so weird and aggressive it's hard to believe.

Plenty of ridiculous leaps being made by posters here - I’m talking about the ones concluding that the boy is a bully etc 🤨

Also who are these apologists for the dad “he can’t help his height” 🤨. No he can’t, but he can help how he uses it.

Parents taking matters “into their own hands” outside of school tend to do so when they fail to follow up through the school properly.

As for the mum (is that you OP?) well, what could she do? I would check with my son what happened and yes have a conversation about how to play - and ask him to speak to the girl and say sorry at school. I wouldn’t do it on demand when someone turns up at my doorstep as it doesn’t give time to find out a more rounded view!

It happened in school. Even if she came home and told the parent what happened it is still the school's responsibility to deal with it to stop situations like this happening.

The girl needs to learn to tell a teacher, even if it is the next day or have her parent tell the teacher just to make them aware it happened.

Going round to some mother's house to get her child to apologise is madness. The girl's family are very much in the wrong.

The dad taught the daughter a lesson, just not the one he intended.

Agree dad is being weird and aggressive. Stepping outside social norms. The correct response is to go in and speak to the teacher surely?

The mum is in the right and if anything was the one to demonstrate good boundaries to the girl.
The dad handled it terribly. Girls family are unhelpful at best.

@Mumbot345635

Lunar- the police! Dear god! Don’t be ridiculous ! What would you say? Someone knocked on the door and spoke to me?!

Don't be so rude, if you read my reply again, I said it would depend on the dad's behaviour on the doorstep. If he was at my door in a threatening manner then yes, it's entirely appropriate to contact the police.

There isn't enough information in the op to know exactly how he behaved.

The dad has done a good job, the little boy won't push his daughter again. He wasn't violent and as far as we've read he wasn't rude when he went over. It's so easy for school bullies as nothing comes back to them and they're rarely confronted. The boy's mum should get over herself and raise her child better.

Ridiculous situation

If the girl had told a member of duty staff what had happened they would have called the boy over and asked him to say sorry ...after explaining the girl was upset ...and then maybe a little chat along the lines of ....even if we do things by mistake it's always a good idea to say sorry
Over done finished with
Playtimes can get rough ..people do fall over during games of catch,a 'tag' can be harder than needs be in a fast paced game etc ....it isn't always malicious !!!
Resilience is key !!!!

As a small single woman with some health issues, if a big man I didn't know turned up on my doorstep and started making demands I would be absolutely terrified. Maybe that's not entirely mentally healthy but its the truth.

@Lullaby88

I beg to differ with most people! If my daughter was bullied at school and came home to me truly upset i would take matters into my own hands. Schools can be very ignorant of bullies we have seen this in media when kids commit suicide because of bullying and the schools apologies come after its way too late. Its not the dads fault he is 6ft and a man who cares for his daughter and is being a proper father to his child. As long as he spoke to the mum with respect its fine. Sounds like the mum is twisting it into something it isnt. If he threatned her or was violent, verbally abusive then yes its intimitading. But if hes 6ft and a man then shes being ridiculous im afraid. If her son is a bully she needs to have words its parental responsibility not just upto the school. Its a shared duty.

Where is the bullying ??? They were playing a chasing / catching type game by the sounds of it ...she got shoved.... This is NOT bullying !!!!!!!

both unreasonable as is the school for allowing contact group games
It's highly unlikely that the school 'allowed' the game. The usual scenario is, harmless chase game in progress, child needs attention of supervising staff (football to face, coat zip stuck, all the usual) and the harmless game goes off piste instantly. The other is that a game the DC know to be forbidden is quietly started at the furthest point from staff, who the instant they spot it swoop down and end it.

Oh, and the father was very U. He needs to teach his daughter to stand up for herself, and tell staff at the time.

Of course the dad was unreasonable. Interesting choice of words, Op, suggesting that it was the 7 year old girl's decision for her dad to go round too.

Totally agree with Lulu1919's reading of Lullaby88's post.

There's no hint of bullying in the op's post. I think that a few posters are massively overprojecting.

This is mental. My daughter is the same age if she said anothet child had shoved her during a game and I wanted her to stand up for herself, I would tell her to tell the boy not to push her and to go and tell the teacher. That is standing up for herself. Dad going round to the house later that day is mental. It was quite a minor incident that should have been dealt with in school. If someone knocked at my door I would not be getting my child to apologise. I would thank them for informing me and would speak to my child afterwards about what happened.

She’s not standing up for herself she’s getting a bigger man to do it for her. I’m with the boys family in this. It’s a way over the top reaction

People making assumptions is exactly why it should be dealt with by the school, preferably at the time. It could easily be nothing and an accident, seven year old boys can be clumsy. Maybe it’s more and a pattern, either way the school are best placed to deal with it. And I agree, turning up on someone’s door step is intimidating and a completely disproportionate to the event.